Quad Issues
- Thread starter JCN
- Start date
Well this quad is between married couples: one for 28 and other for 38. So if this doesn’t work both couples wouldn’t enter again into a polyamorous relationship. It’s myself and the other husband. I love them both very much. Definitely great friends. But as time goes on, it’s gotten harder for he and I to keep that connection. It feels as if it’s run it’s course. But I don’t want to lose them. I just know how to go about changing the relationship to something else or should I continue trying to make it work? I don’t have anyone else to talk to about this. The other 2 play mediator and I HATE it. Plus the wife can lose her shit when he and I don’t get along. So for quite a while now I’ve just kept my mouth shut. My husband knows it’s been hard. The other husband knows things aren’t great. And I think she does too. But it’s like we’ve gotten into a pattern and don’t want things to change. But frankly I’m miserable at times. Totally unhappy right now.
I'm sorry you're so unhappy. I appreciate not wanting to lose friends while not actually wanting to feel obligated to "connect" with someone just so the other people can have their relationship. I hope the people who are happy can also respect that your happiness isn't going to come about through continuing to force a connection that isn't actually there.
It sounds like you all entered this poly agreement perhaps by way of swinging? So there is an expectation that there remains sense of fairness even if that fairness is making one or two people unhappy.
This isn't particularly healthy or loving behaviour towards every member of the current quad. Again, it sounds like an N shaped configuration would be better rather than trying to force the quad. You sound like you want to withdraw your consent to be with the other husband in this capacity. And you have every right to do so. His wife and your husband don't actually get a vote in your consent.
And you're right, many relationships do run their course. If you and he have but she and your husband haven't, can you all just respect that and reconfigure?
Please don't feel like you have to give your body to someone so other people can continue to do likewise. This isn't supposed to be an obligation. It's supposed to be a loving situation. You and he can stop doing what you don't want to do but the people who want to continue, can. There's no rule that says all relationships have to end at the same time. If you first believed that when you started out, isn't this showing you there's a time for growth past that need?
It sounds like you all entered this poly agreement perhaps by way of swinging? So there is an expectation that there remains sense of fairness even if that fairness is making one or two people unhappy.
This isn't particularly healthy or loving behaviour towards every member of the current quad. Again, it sounds like an N shaped configuration would be better rather than trying to force the quad. You sound like you want to withdraw your consent to be with the other husband in this capacity. And you have every right to do so. His wife and your husband don't actually get a vote in your consent.
And you're right, many relationships do run their course. If you and he have but she and your husband haven't, can you all just respect that and reconfigure?
Please don't feel like you have to give your body to someone so other people can continue to do likewise. This isn't supposed to be an obligation. It's supposed to be a loving situation. You and he can stop doing what you don't want to do but the people who want to continue, can. There's no rule that says all relationships have to end at the same time. If you first believed that when you started out, isn't this showing you there's a time for growth past that need?
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So we actually began this relationship through first friendship. We knew eachother. Then started spending more time together. And one drunken night later…I’d never heard of this lifestyle before. But after lots of research it seemed to fit us then. I did find out about 6 months into the relationship with them that my husband and the other wife had been intimate beforehand. So we’ve struggled truly since then. At least I have, with jealousy. And we found a therapist who helped tremendously early on.
My husband has said to me over and over that if I’m done then let’s be done. He would end it too. But that also bothers me so much! The other hubs and I haven’t been intimate in a few months even though we’ve continued to have our regular sleep overs.
But he’s still committed. I just don’t think I feel the same way anymore. I often feel I need a translator to understand where he’s coming from.
I love your advice. And I appreciate you being here. I’m just feeling so stuck. And absolutely don’t want to hurt others. Im scared of what will happen when I truly say I’m done. Our lives are so intertwined. I’ve started to set more boundaries. My husband sees them as family but I see them more as framily, ya know? Today was the first day I’ve taken off our commitment ring and there’s freedoms in that. Which makes me feel weird and sad. Thankfully we’re out of town for s few days so I have an opportunity to step back easily and re-evaluate. But once we get back home, a decision has to be made. I just am scared of what that is.
My husband has said to me over and over that if I’m done then let’s be done. He would end it too. But that also bothers me so much! The other hubs and I haven’t been intimate in a few months even though we’ve continued to have our regular sleep overs.
But he’s still committed. I just don’t think I feel the same way anymore. I often feel I need a translator to understand where he’s coming from.
I love your advice. And I appreciate you being here. I’m just feeling so stuck. And absolutely don’t want to hurt others. Im scared of what will happen when I truly say I’m done. Our lives are so intertwined. I’ve started to set more boundaries. My husband sees them as family but I see them more as framily, ya know? Today was the first day I’ve taken off our commitment ring and there’s freedoms in that. Which makes me feel weird and sad. Thankfully we’re out of town for s few days so I have an opportunity to step back easily and re-evaluate. But once we get back home, a decision has to be made. I just am scared of what that is.
I truly wish you for you that you can de-escalate your relationship and remain friends (which it sounds like you still are). 10 years is a long time. I like "framily" - that's a good description. I'm glad you've found a new sense of freedom in taking of your commitment ring; please be steadfast in what you need, even if you don't know entirely what you want right now. Perhaps if you can firm up that need as a first step, the wants will more naturally evolve once you've had time to breathe a little.
It's hard to follow with no names. I'm going to use generic ones. If you want to change them I am happy to go with what you pick. You correct me if I get anything wrong ok?
PEOPLE
There's a married couple.
There's the other married couple.
You were all friends.
Unknown to anyone (?) your husband Apple and the other wife Cherry shared sex. Both of them cheating on closed marriage agreements with their spouses.
Six months after that, the couples got drunk and shared sex together.
Then you discovered that Apple and Cherry had cheated prior to the quad thing.
At this point in time, you and Banana?
The two couples lives are very intertwined.
You have started to set more boundaries and step back.
Is that about it?
If so? I think you could just end it with Banana. It's NORMAL in any relationship to break up if a thing has run it's course. So end it.
All this other murky side trip stuff is side trip stuff. There's issues in there, but bottom line?
The bottom line is you are not into it any more with Banana, and you've been "keeping quiet" rather than being authentic you. You are NOT obligated to share sex with Banana or do anything with Banana if you aren't into it any more.
How about being authentic and let the chips fall where they may? You aren't obligated to "keep going through the motions" doing stuff you don't want to be doing just to enable the others to avoid dealing with things in their life.
I suggest you give is some thought while away. And when you get home?
Plump for being true to your own self. Cuz you haven't been lately and it's led to misery.
When all the choices stink? Pick the one that doesn't keep you in the stuck.
Galagirl
PEOPLE
There's a married couple.
- You, JCN.
- Apple, your husband.
There's the other married couple.
- Banana, the other husband.
- Cherry, the other wife.
You were all friends.
Unknown to anyone (?) your husband Apple and the other wife Cherry shared sex. Both of them cheating on closed marriage agreements with their spouses.
- Now you know about it.
- Does Banana?
Six months after that, the couples got drunk and shared sex together.
- You hadn't heard of poly before then. Everyone agreed to try a quad thing.
- You would date both your husband Apple and the other husband Banana.
- Apple would date you and Cherry.
Then you discovered that Apple and Cherry had cheated prior to the quad thing.
- You and Apple started seeing a therapist.
- Was the cheating affair stuff resolved with all parties?
At this point in time, you and Banana?
- You feel it's run its course. You'd like to break up with him and just be friends with the group.
- Banana wants to keep going even though you and him stopped sharing sex.
- Apple says if you are done, he's done too and will dump Cherry.
- You don't like Apple putting that on you. You think if he's done with Cherry that's on him.
The two couples lives are very intertwined.
- Apple, your husband sees them as family.
- You see them as "friend family."
You have started to set more boundaries and step back.
- You took off the quad commitment ring while out of town to try that out. It feels like a relief.
- You are worried about making the final decision once home though.
- You are scared.
- You don't know how to break up with Banana and change to an "N" when Apple says he will dump Cherry if you dump Banana. An N will not be possible like that.
- You also don't like it when Apple and Cherry play mediator, pressuring you to stay with Banana. You hate it.
- Cherry also loses her shit when Banana and you don’t get along.
- It's like nobody wants to talk about the elephant in the room.
- To keep the peace for some time, you keep your mouth shut.
- You are miserable that you are doing that. You want to stop.
Is that about it?
If so? I think you could just end it with Banana. It's NORMAL in any relationship to break up if a thing has run it's course. So end it.
All this other murky side trip stuff is side trip stuff. There's issues in there, but bottom line?
The bottom line is you are not into it any more with Banana, and you've been "keeping quiet" rather than being authentic you. You are NOT obligated to share sex with Banana or do anything with Banana if you aren't into it any more.
How about being authentic and let the chips fall where they may? You aren't obligated to "keep going through the motions" doing stuff you don't want to be doing just to enable the others to avoid dealing with things in their life.
I suggest you give is some thought while away. And when you get home?
Plump for being true to your own self. Cuz you haven't been lately and it's led to misery.
When all the choices stink? Pick the one that doesn't keep you in the stuck.
Galagirl
Banana knew way before I did. Apple finally told me but only because banana threatened to tell me. We all 4 went to a therapist. Sometimes together, sometimes with our spouse. And yes to all of what you’d said. Nicely put together by the way. That’s my last 10 years in a nutshell. How do I “give in” like you said in the last couple of sentences? I don’t want to lose their friendship. But I also don’t know how to re-ignite a relationship that I feel has been lost? The other 3 are committed. I just don’t think I am anymore. They know I’m not. I wish I could be. How do we go back to being friends? Just friends? We even have a beach house rented this summer with our kids and grandkids. I just don’t even know how to deal with that…
So all three of them knew about the cheating affair? And they all kept you in the dark about it for a time? And your spouse was gonna keep it hidden til your BF Banana threatened to tell you?
That's.... messed up.
Assuming you all did the healing work from the cheating start and put it behind you...
It is NORMAL for you to break up if dating someone has come to a close for you.
What do you need to give yourself permission to just break up with Banana and be done?
So drop out, and they can continue being committed as a V thing over THERE.
And you are with your husband over HERE.
Really? You want to be into Banana again?
Or you wish you could be so you didn't have to think about breaking up?
Well, the first step is to break up with Banana.
Then you and Banana have some time apart so you and Banana can be "plain exes" in. You each do your healing in that time.
Then if you both want it, you and Banana can talk once you are both healed. And you figure out how to change again to being "exes and friends."
You could cancel the rental.
Or you could skip it and don't go. Take a vacation your own, do something else.
Or you could split the time. Your family, kids, grandkids go first. Then you all leave. Maybe your husband lingers. And then Banana and Cherry come with their extended family and your husband hangs with them.
Or that family goes first and husband goes on ahead. Then lingers when your side of the family goes up.
Cuz if you and Banana are broken up? You can take a time out and not hang out with your ex.
I get the feelings might be hard. But the actions seem straight forward.
Are you struggling to let go of people pleaser stuff?
Galagirl
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The way I read this was the cheating was over 10 years ago, everyone dealt with it in therapy, since then there's been a lovely, long, quad relationship but for JCN it's just run its course and she's ready to stop seeing Banana romantically. This is causing new feelings of sadness with a little guilt that it will likely break up Apple and Cherry because Apple doesn't want to continue to seeing Cherry unless it's a quad. Cherry can see the writing on the wall and is starting to lash out.
It really might be better to change holiday plans. One couple keep the rental and fill it with other friends/family. Other couple make a different holiday plan.
It really might be better to change holiday plans. One couple keep the rental and fill it with other friends/family. Other couple make a different holiday plan.
SEASONEDpolyAgain
Well-known member
I don't understand why you can't just end it with the husband and everyone else do what they want.
This, except I do understand. Many people, couples, new to poly think they have to both "be on this journey together." They think it's NECESSARY that they both either swap spouses, as here, or that a bi woman and a hetero man both share one bi woman.
This is not true!
Couples do NOT need to share one partner or be in a quad/spouse swap configuration in order to practice polyamory successfully. In fact, most happy poly couples do NOT share partners or do quad-shape relationships. Each partner just dates their own other partner(s). This is my case. I am in a 14 year relationship. I have a bf, my female partner has a bf. We do not go on 4way dates, we do not have group sex. If she breaks up with her bf, I do not need to break up with my bf. lol. I've had a few relationships lasting X amount of time and they have no effect on what my gf does, or whom she dates.
In this case, your relationship began very badly. Yikes. Your husband cheated on you with Cherry, and Banana was informed or found out, and all 3 kept that info from you when you all supposedly swapped partners for the first time and then for 6 months thereafter! Yes, you've had therapy, and you seem to have regained trust in all 3 of them enough to continue on as a quad, rings and all, for 10 years. Yet, once again, those 3 are ganging up on you and trying to coerce you to have sex with Banana against your will, just so that Apple and Cherry can continue to bang? You all are mature adults. This is the best solution you can come up with?
I was in a 30+ year relationship/marriage, and when I was done, I didn't let anyone tell me to continue. They may have thought my husband and I were the "perfect couple," and they enjoyed seeing that. We were not perfect, we'd become unsuited.
It seems like you're dragging your ass through this crap out of some sense of loyalty. I am glad you're letting go of the idea that you need to stay "committed" for the rest of your life just so the other three (who cheated on you at the very beginning) can continue along in some sort of balanced quad.
I agree with the other posters: you should break up with Banana. It's not acrimonious. You just don't see eye-to-eye anymore. You are allowed to feel what you feel. Quads and triads rarely last 10 years. Each person has a right to love or fall out of love, to honor their own feelings. You don't have to fuck someone you're no longer attracted to just because that man still desires you, and certainly not so that Apple and Cherry can maintain a sense of false reality and balance.
Friends often share beach houses/vacations. You don't need to be lovers to share a beach house for a couple weeks.
You could seek therapy again, for yourself, or with Apple, if that would help. Please honor your own feelings. You have a right to have them. Advocate for yourself.
SEASONEDpolyAgain
Well-known member
I suppose I don't understand still feeling like this when you're one of the people who it isn't working for. The OP almost seems like they know another configuration would work better but literally feel like it is impossible. Like flying to work would get you there much quicker but knowing as a human you literally do not possess the ability to fly.
Hello JCN,
I'm so sorry you are going through this, it sounds like your connection with the other husband has run its course. I hope it helps you to talk about it on this forum, I think you are trying to connect with the other husband, and the other two are pushing you to try harder, but it just isn't working. Maybe if you are done, you should just be done, although that makes me sad if it means the whole quad will break apart. The four of you must go back to being friends.
Regards,
Kevin T.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, it sounds like your connection with the other husband has run its course. I hope it helps you to talk about it on this forum, I think you are trying to connect with the other husband, and the other two are pushing you to try harder, but it just isn't working. Maybe if you are done, you should just be done, although that makes me sad if it means the whole quad will break apart. The four of you must go back to being friends.
Regards,
Kevin T.