Question for guys and the gals

Cabinlife2020

New member
Just wanting opinions on what the guys here felt if asked or told this question and maybe what reactions gals got from their guys.

if the guy ask if you got off are you honest and say no and do they get upset that you tell them the truth

or

If your not getting off do you let them know and again do they get upset or are understanding

and

if not getting should you let them know or does it do no good or no point to saying anything
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
The language confuses me. Are you talking about orgasms?

Like...

Your partner asks you if you orgasm with your other lover... how do you answer?

1) Yes, you orgasm. You tell them honestly. (Do they get upset hearing it?)

2) No, you don't orgasm. You tell them honestly. (Do they get upset hearing it?)

They don't actually ask.

3) Should you be telling them if you do/don't orgasm with the other lover anyway? Or is there no point in saying anything?


Is that what you are asking?

Galagirl
 

Cabinlife2020

New member
No sorry if I was confusing
if hubs asks me if I had orgasm after him and I having sex am I honest and say no

or

if I am not getting an orgasm when hubs and I have sex do I tell him hey I am not getting orgasm or getting off

Guess just wondering do the men get mad or hurt or upset when you tell the truth or is better to not say anything

hubs prob won’t ask if he got me off so more of the 2nd question that he is not getting me to orgasm once and a while yes but usually he is done in about a minute to minute and half I need a little longer
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Thank you for more info.

Basically your husband gets you to orgasm once in while. But you need longer to be able to orgasm and aren't sure how he will take you giving him that feedback?

I'd just go with honesty.

"Hon, can we talk about sex? I need more _____ to be able to orgasm during partnered sex. Can we try that next time?"

If something is going on in your shared sex life you would like to change or improve? Tell him. He's not a mind reader.

Guess just wondering do the men get mad or hurt or upset when you tell the truth or is better to not say anything

Mine doesn't get mad. What's there to be mad about?

A long time ago when we were first together I told him I'd just tell him what I like and don't like. And he could tell me about his likes and dislikes. We were just starting to learn about each other. I remember telling him I'm not a fake orgasm kind of gal. Why would I fake pleasure only to get MORE of stuff I don't like?

Orgasm isn't the GOAL, but it's nice to have them. And over the course of a life together things changed. What used to get me off as a young adult with him? Was not the same as while pregnant. Or right after birth. Or the same as in perimenopause. Or while healing from various surgeries on either of us. So why wouldn't we talk about it and just adjust whatever needs adjusting if we wanted to share sex, but had to accommodate for ____?

If I want to orgasm during partnered sex I ask for what I want. If after we're done I want another? I masturbate. He pats my behind and goes "Atta girl." If he wants to masturbate he can too.

If I just want an orgasm NOW? Using a toy is faster for that. But that's not what I wanted from partnered sex. It's nice to orgasm, but the partnered sex for me is about being there with that partner. Enjoying the kissing, the touching, all of it. I cannot get that out of a toy.

Galagirl
 

Arc

Member
No sorry if I was confusing
if hubs asks me if I had orgasm after him and I having sex am I honest and say no

or

if I am not getting an orgasm when hubs and I have sex do I tell him hey I am not getting orgasm or getting off

Guess just wondering do the men get mad or hurt or upset when you tell the truth or is better to not say anything

hubs prob won’t ask if he got me off so more of the 2nd question that he is not getting me to orgasm once and a while yes but usually he is done in about a minute to minute and half I need a little longer
As a guy, no I have never gotten mad about that, and I don't take it personally. I want my partner to orgasm so I do what I can to help that to happen. There are lots of ways of doing this that don't involve an erect penis.

If I could guess (based on how I might feel in his shoes), I'd say hubs is self-conscious/insecure about finishing prematurely, and you telling him you haven't had an orgasm reminds him of that. The insecurity gets acted out as anger towards you.

That is his problem, not yours though, I think you you a right to be honest just like he would probably be honest and tell you if he hadn't finished.
 

Cabinlife2020

New member
I know how long a man goes can be touchy so wasn’t sure saying something would hurt or not, I have mentioned I want more intimacy time but he said that makes him feel like I am pressuring or forcing him to do it so maybe that is why I am leery

and W2 does orgasm quick ( only reason I know is she told me hey I get off quick only takes me a minute or so but hubs didn’t get off before I was done so he might need relief} and hubs has told me W2 gets off quick, now good for her but I am not her,

now hubs has said because it feels good he cums to quick with me which I should take as a good thing I still feel good lol

but as I said don’t need orgasm every time but when it’s been a few weeks since having one ( we have had sex just not me getting off) getting little down but worry he will say I am pressuring him or forcing him to make me have ine

I do have toys still learning with those but haven’t figured out how to get me off with them yet
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
... if my partner didn't prioritize me having an orgasm to the point where they didn't have to ask, they knew, I'd not be sleeping with them without some conversation first. And if they got upset by me being honest about that, well... that's a bigger problem involving them either being selfish or overly sensitive. I mean, PIV aside, he has hands and a tongue, you should not be left wanting, unless you're deliberately making him think you came when you didn't and at that point you can't expect mind reading.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I have mentioned I want more intimacy time but he said that makes him feel like I am pressuring or forcing him to do it

Ok, if this is communication issue...

When he says that, you respond with what? Maybe you could say "Ok. I'm wiling to try something new. How would you like me to tell you about the things I like, so it doesn't come across like I'm pressuring you or forcing you to share sex right now? And more about improving the sex we have when we do have it later down?"

now hubs has said because it feels good he cums to quick with me which I should take as a good thing I still feel good lol

So... what things can you do together that helps you orgasm that doesn't make him orgasm?

Galagirl
 

Cabinlife2020

New member
... if my partner didn't prioritize me having an orgasm to the point where they didn't have to ask, they knew, I'd not be sleeping with them without some conversation first. And if they got upset by me being honest about that, well... that's a bigger problem involving them either being selfish or overly sensitive. I mean, PIV aside, he has hands and a tongue, you should not be left wanting, unless you're deliberately making him think you came when you didn't and at that point you can't expect mind reading.
No don’t fake it as for hands and mouth he is to tired during the week to do extra weekends depends for example Friday was my night but we had if office party and he got little to drunk so nothing happened Friday’s since he works that counts as to tired too I haven’t had a Saturday due to W2 changing nights due to this or that so she has had the last six saturdays with him
 

Cabinlife2020

New member
Ok, if this is communication issue...

When he says that, you respond with what? Maybe you could say "Ok. I'm wiling to try something new. How would you like me to tell you about the things I like, so it doesn't come across like I'm pressuring you or forcing you to share sex right now? And more about improving the sex we have when we do have it later down?"



So... what things can you do together that helps you orgasm that doesn't make him orgasm?

Galagirl
I usually say sorry not wanting to make you feel that way, I told him I would like more foreplay and toys but still says makes it feel like I am telling him he has too, he said he would like me to get new sexy lingerie so I did do that for him and he gets blow jibs and gets off that way least once a week cause I know he likes them

I think if we had more foreplay that would get me closer so when do have sex I am amped up to go
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
he said he would like me to get new sexy lingerie so I did do that for him and he gets blow jibs and gets off that way least once a week cause I know he likes them

And you didn't take it like he was making you do this and that?

I usually say sorry not wanting to make you feel that way, I told him I would like more foreplay and toys but still says makes it feel like I am telling him he has too

Have you asked him what he IS willing to do? Because right now I hear you suggest some ideas and he suggests nothing.

Otherwise the only thing left is to say point blank -- "Yes. If you want me to orgasm when we share sex together, you kinda have to work with me here and do some of the things I like. If you don't want to work with me on that, just say so. Stop flipping it around like I make you feel this and that."

Galagirl
 

Cabinlife2020

New member
I didn’t mind new lingerie haven’t had any in long time now I have lost weight feel more comfortable wearing it, guess not asked what he is willing to do, always been me trying to communicate thinking he would want to know if something bothering me, guess I will need to ask
 

TXretired

Member
I focus on my partner first. Typically nothing is off limits. Until she is “satisfied” I hold off. That may mean that I do not penetrate until after she has finished.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Cabinlife,

If you are not getting to cum as often as you would like to, your husband should *want* to know that, so he can take steps to amend the situation. He certainly should not be getting angry at you. He doesn't have to take the news as good news, but he definitely ought to take it as news he would want to hear.

Maybe he could alter his technique so that he doesn't cum so fast. Maybe he could go down on you before intercourse. Maybe he could use a toy on you before intercourse. Whatever he does, he does have a certain ethical responsibility to want to please his wife. I mean he does care about you, doesn't he? If he does, then getting feedback from you about how to please you should be something he wants you to do.

I don't think you are forcing him to do anything, and it is not cool of him to imply that you are. You are not telling him, you are asking him. "Could we please do some things different during sex, so that I could cum more often?" That is not telling him, that is asking him. And if he really cares about you, he should *want* to say yes.

Such is my opinion,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
No don’t fake it as for hands and mouth he is to tired during the week to do extra weekends depends for example Friday was my night but we had if office party and he got little to drunk so nothing happened Friday’s since he works that counts as to tired too I haven’t had a Saturday due to W2 changing nights due to this or that so she has had the last six saturdays with him
... that’s not _extra_, that’s _basic_ _courtesy_. Sex isn’t all about orgasms, sure... but it sure as hell should include the offer of one if your partner wants one, whatever that takes. Is he the one saying he’s too tired or is that an excuse you’re making for him being inconsiderate of your needs?
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
It's just a given that the lady gets to cum first. I am 65, I have had good few dozen lovers, and I have never had a male partner try to put his dick inside me before I have had a sufficient number of orgasms. (And if he did, I stop him and tell him I wasn't ready yet!) Some women rarely or never cum. Personally, I am multi-orgasmic. If I ever had a lover who did not make sure I had cum enough before attempting intercourse, I would not continue to date him.

I'd only make an exception if he was super good at fucking, and with lots of stamina. I do cum well from intercourse. But I know lots of women don't. That said, I want to be fully wet and aroused before I fuck, even if I haven't already cum. Sexting for a while before a date can get me to that point, where actual foreplay when we meet is less necessary. Sexting IS foreplay for me.

I thought this issue went out of people's mindsets back in the 1970s! Yes, some men have premature ejaculation, and can't fuck for more than a minute before they pop off. That's not MY issue. That is THEIR issue. If they KNOW they have pre-e problems (and it sounds like your partner does) that is all the more reason for him to learn how to pleasure you with his mouth and hands.

He should be learning how to massage your body with oil, kissing your mouth and neck, stroking your hair, playing with and sucking your nipples, squeezing or slapping your ass (if you like that), fingerbanging you exactly how you like it (asking you if this or that motion feels good), giving you oral sex, letting you blow him (if you like to do that). I personally love to give oral to a guy, it excites me. I can even cum from just blowing a guy, but I PREFER to be touched on my pussy too.

Your partner sounds extremely insecure and selfish and lazy af. I don't know if he's trainable. No man should be telling his female partner, "I feel like you're telling me what to do," and at the same time, telling her what to do to please him! What kind of bullshit double standard deal is this you are settling for? You're valuable, you're beautiful, and you deserve to be pleasured in just the way you desire.

By the way, I reported your thread to be moved to another section, since it's just a basic sex question, not a "poly relationship" problem.
 

Cabinlife2020

New member
... that’s not _extra_, that’s _basic_ _courtesy_. Sex isn’t all about orgasms, sure... but it sure as hell should include the offer of one if your partner wants one, whatever that takes. Is he the one saying he’s too tired or is that an excuse you’re making for him being inconsiderate of your needs?
he is saying he is to tired or if I mention what I would like I am pressuring him
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
..... if I mention what I would like I am pressuring him


As has been said, f*** that.

"Guys" don't have this attitude, your guy has this attitude. There's an avalanche of crap behind this way of thinking and you're not going to correct it, only he can make those changes. Why are you in a sexual relationship with someone who has this attitude?
 

breathemusic

Active member
You're allowed to ask for what you want, and he's allowed to say no. And if he's tired, there are ways that take little physical effort on his side that he could use. If you can orgasm with a vibrator, then that takes little more than him literally holding a toy against you, so there really is no excuse. Really this is his bruised ego making him get defensive instead of listening to you. If he's not willing to listen, then start giving what you get. He gets an orgasm after he's given you an orgasm. Let him experience what it's like to be that selfish and maybe he won't be so selfish. It takes WORK to get me off if a toy isn't involved. Sometimes my partners are down for that, sometimes they get tired and reach for a toy. But I'm not impossible to get off. I know it's not required, and i don't need it every time. But I also know that I'm not the sort of person for whom orgasms are elusive. So if my partner isn't willing to put in the effort, that's them being lazy. Cause if they don't even want to try to put in the effort, then as far as I'm concerned they don't want to have sex at all. Their orgasms aren't more important than mine! We both deserve to have them.
 
Top