question on dating sites

greymall

greymall

New member
you know it's really weird you join a dating site fill out all the information. fill in that one box that asks what you're looking for and the first question you get asked by the other person is what are you looking for?or what are you doing on this site? is it just me or do people not understand what a dating site is for? half the time you're lucky to get an answer back, most profiles just say they are there to try out the site but don't seem interested at all and then if you do get an answer back it's a scammer. the weirdest thing I ever got told was when I asked someone "why I wasn't their type?" and their answer was "it's because I know what I'm looking for" but isn't that why you're on the site it's because you're looking for something specific?or there's not a lot of people in your area on the dating site? does anyone else go through this?
 
We're vague because we don't want the rude retorts. Most women have had the, "well you're too [insert adjective of choice] anyway" and that's more likely to happen if we give specific feedback, even worded as an I statement.
 
Evie said:
We're vague because we don't want the rude retorts. Most women have had the, "well you're too [insert adjective of choice] anyway" and that's more likely to happen if we give specific feedback, even worded as an I statement.
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it doesn't just happen to women I've had some pretty rude retorts from women
 
Then do you already know the answer to your own question?

Speaking of not a lot of people in your own area... that's why the best thing to do is get out and about in your own area. Go to meet ups, join clubs, volunteer. Way more successful than dating apps.
 
Evie said:
Then do you already know the answer to your own question?

Speaking of not a lot of people in your own area... that's why the best thing to do is get out and about in your own area. Go to meet ups, join clubs, volunteer. Way more successful than dating apps.
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no I don't know the answer to my own question that's why I'm asking here to see if anyone else can give me some answers on how to fix it not rude rhetorical answers. I live in a small town where I'm related to half the town the next town or city is over 2hrs away so the dating sites have become a bit of a necessity to meeting people
 
Hello Chris,

Dating sites aren't very productive nowadays, you are probably better off getting out there and meeting people in person. Unfortunately you live in a small town where dating sites are your only option. I don't really have a solution to your dilemma, all I can think of is that you'll have to be very patient, and you are already doing that. What dating sites have you tried so far? What about the idea of moving to a bigger city? I hope we can be of help.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
There are two main reasons I personally always asked when someone is looking for when i was online dating:
1 - A lot of people make the profile then never update their answers.
2 - Different people interpret things in different ways. If you say you're looking for a long term relationship, what does that actually tell me? Only that you hope to meet someone that will be in your life for a long time. It doesn't tell me your communication preferences, your ideal length of time between dates, if you want to live together eventually, your stance on legal marriage, etc... lots of things need to be actually talked about before we determine if we're compatible.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello Chris,

Dating sites aren't very productive nowadays, you are probably better off getting out there and meeting people in person. Unfortunately you live in a small town where dating sites are your only option. I don't really have a solution to your dilemma, all I can think of is that you'll have to be very patient, and you are already doing that. What dating sites have you tried so far? What about the idea of moving to a bigger city? I hope we can be of help.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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kdt26417 said:
Hello Chris,

Dating sites aren't very productive nowadays, you are probably better off getting out there and meeting people in person. Unfortunately you live in a small town where dating sites are your only option. I don't really have a solution to your dilemma, all I can think of is that you'll have to be very patient, and you are already doing that. What dating sites have you tried so far? What about the idea of moving to a bigger city? I hope we can be of help.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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Hi Kevin,
yeah I've tried every dating site that exists(yahoo dating, bumble, plenty of fish,eharmony,match, zoosk,etc) with no change it's always the same thing. yeah the dating sites aren't very productive never have been. right now moving isn't an option. I've been traveling to the bigger cities going to different events but that get's expensive. how has your experience on dating sites been do you get a mixture of different reactions?
 
AlwaysGrowing said:
There are two main reasons I personally always asked when someone is looking for when i was online dating:
1 - A lot of people make the profile then never update their answers.
2 - Different people interpret things in different ways. If you say you're looking for a long term relationship, what does that actually tell me? Only that you hope to meet someone that will be in your life for a long time. It doesn't tell me your communication preferences, your ideal length of time between dates, if you want to live together eventually, your stance on legal marriage, etc... lots of things need to be actually talked about before we determine if we're compatible.
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thanks that's helpful. one of things I keep running into is that I ask to do video chatting so we can see each other and talk so we both know we're dealing with a real person but they seem to be very against that, why are people against the video chat?
 
Hi Chris,

My main experience with dating sites has been with OKCupid. That was in 2008 I believe. I got so disgusted with the lack of interested women that I just gave up on dating sites altogether. I doubt I would try again today, I have a partner and that's good enough for me.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
So you're specifically looking for long distance? But you're not having any luck getting people to shift from texting to calling. Is that right?

I have a long distance partner. We emailed for about 8 months before our first call. Of course , we weren't actually trying to date at that time, we just clicked on another website and started writing, first DMs then emails. Online slows everything down. Trust is built in totally different ways. I'm guessing you're trying to shift from messaging to calling quite quickly and it's giving red flag.
 
greymall said:
one of things I keep running into is that I ask to do video chatting so we can see each other and talk so we both know we're dealing with a real person but they seem to be very against that, why are people against the video chat?
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I haven't used dating sites in quite a few years, but chatting on the site, then texting on another app was always good enough for me. Videocalls were less common back then, so I didn't get asked to do that, but occasionally I had men ask to do a regular phone call. I always refused. I didn't want to give out my number and tie up an hour or so talking to a guy I might not like.

The one time I did agree, the call was really boring and he just monologued on and on. I didn't meet up with him.

On the other hand, chatting every day here and there, or every other day or so, for a week or two, at least showed he was being persistent, that he was interested, but not desperate. Some guys would chat for a few days and then ghost. So a call would've been a waste of time.

My current male partner and I chatted on Fetlife for close to three years as friends. He was in a mono relationship and it was also during the pandemic. Finally his partner passed away (she had an incurable illness/condition) and we met. The three years of casual chat paid off. Now we've been together almost three years. He is happy to be practicing polyamory with me. He'd always felt poly, but never really knew it was a workable option.

I used to get annoyed that men wouldn't bother to look at my profile essays. They'd just check my pix and message me, sometimes asking, "What are you looking for?" I'd then just ask them to read my detailed profile and then get back to me.
 
Magdlyn said:
I haven't used dating sites in quite a few years, but chatting on the site, then texting on another app was always good enough for me. Videocalls were less common back then, so I didn't get asked to do that, but occasionally I had men ask to do a regular phone call. I always refused. I didn't want to give out my number and tie up an hour or so talking to a guy I might not like.

The one time I did agree, the call was really boring and he just monologued on and on. I didn't meet up with him.

On the other hand, chatting every day here and there, or every other day or so, for a week or two, at least showed he was being persistent, that he was interested, but not desperate. Some guys would chat for a few days and then ghost. So a call would've been a waste of time.

My current male partner and I chatted on Fetlife for close to three years as friends. He was in a mono relationship and it was also during the pandemic. Finally his partner passed away (she had an incurable illness/condition) and we met. The three years of casual chat paid off. Now we've been together almost three years. He is happy to be practicing polyamory with me. He'd always felt poly, but never really knew it was a workable option.

I used to get annoyed that men wouldn't bother to look at my profile essays. They'd just check my pix and message me, sometimes asking, "What are you looking for?" I'd then just ask them to read my detailed profile and then get back to me.
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yeah I'm going through the same thing on the sites but they don't seem to want to read the profile. I've been trying to change things on the profile to see if that would change the interaction even changed how I send messages but nothing seems to change. did you change anything on your profile or interaction process that help improve the conversation
 
greymall said:
yeah I'm going through the same thing on the sites but they don't seem to want to read the profile. I've been trying to change things on the profile to see if that would change the interaction even changed how I send messages but nothing seems to change. did you change anything on your profile or interaction process that help improve the conversation
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I just wrote a thorough essay and updated it as I changed my views or to add something new.

It's just a sign of the times and people's intelligence levels that they don't want to read. I only dated men who actually read my profile and were able to comment on things I said. One thing I like in a dating partner is literacy.

How did you change how you send messages? Some guys just use a generic message and spam it out to hundreds of women. I found I liked men who sent out messages tailored specifically to me. Those were the guys to whom I'd talk and that I'd consider talking to off-site, and perhaps even meeting up with.

As a woman, no, I didn't change anything on my profile to improve the interaction process. But the process is entirely different for women than it is for men. My issue was only getting responses from horndogs who wanted to meet up for a quickie that very night, as if I'd drop everything just to go get laid by a random stranger.

BTW, I wouldn't date a man who didn't use proper punctuation, i.e.:
greymall said:
Yeah, I'm going through the same thing on the sites, but they don't seem to want to read the profile. I've been trying to change things on the profile to see if that would change the interactions. I even changed how I send messages, but nothing seems to change. Did you change anything on your profile or interaction process that helped improve the conversation?
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I live on a small island. Nonetheless, most of my r'ships in the past decade have come from either okcupid or facebook dating. Here's some tips:

1. Have several good pics of you. Seriously, if you don't know how to take a good selfie, google it. I hate to say this, but: Smile! A close up of your unsmiling face in unflattering light is unlikely to score you dates. Women are visual creatures too! Get pics of you looking well-groomed & put-together, doing things you enjoy. Not sitting in your car (why do people do that?)Not standing in the bathroom mirror. Not holding a dead fish/deer/drugged baby tiger. At least one pic of your face with no sunglasses or hat. At least one full body pic. This might sound weird, but I personally like to see people's hands. I have to be able to look at their hands & think yeah, I might like those on me. I'm sure I don't have to tell you, but don't send dick pics unless she asks.

2. Be thorough & specific in your profile. Yes, not everyone will read them, but you'll have a better shot at getting the right match and conversation will flow much faster if someone reading your profile can understand what it might actually be like to hang with you. No, I won't "just ask." I shouldn't have to ask what you're looking for, what you do for fun, any important religious or political affiliations: your profile should tell me. And please, be honest! If you're just looking to hook up, don't hint you're open to a r'ship.

3. NEVER start an interaction with soul-crushing time-wasters like "Hey." "How r u?" or "How are you doing?" Unless someone who addresses me like that has a bangin' profile, I'm going to ignore it. Women receive 8 million of these a day. Instead, say something specific to her profile so you have a place to start a convo. "I also love bridge-jumping and what a cute pug dog!" or whatever.

4. Don't be pushy if a woman is hesitant to move the chat to off the app. Letting internet strangers into your life is dangerous. Not just in a they-might-ax-murder-you kind of way, but the little aggressions; The man who writes you a 2 page essay on what a bitch you are because you declined to meet in person. The guy who sees you on okcupid then uses your pictures to find your facebook account and starts showing up where you hang....etc..(All women have these stories.) If I'm chatting with someone who I can't easily meet in person because of distance, I DO insist on videochat after after a couple weeks of talking. Personally, I don't videochat OR give out my phone number, etc, until I've either decided to meet or have met the person.

OLD is a numbers game. In order not to waste time, I don't respond to anyone who I don't think might be a match. If someone is vague, hard to get answers out of, or flaky when it comes time to meet, they're done. If someone local isn't able or willing to meet up after weeks of talking, they're done. Likewise if they're pushy or trying to move too fast, done with them.

Good luck out there.
 
LoveBunny, I was once chatting with a local guy who asked me for a first date. He asked me to meet him in the night, in the woods where there were hiking trails! lol Can you believe it? This was a while ago, but apparently he didn't want to meet in a restaurant for some reason (probably broke), and couldn't host in his apartment. Oh my fucking god.
 
Magdlyn said:
LoveBunny, I was once chatting with a local guy who asked me for a first date. He asked me to meet him in the night, in the woods where there were hiking trails! lol Can you believe it? This was a while ago, but apparently he didn't want to meet in a restaurant for some reason (probably broke), and couldn't host in his apartment. Oh my fucking god.
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That's insane. And of course, if you HAD gone and were raped or murdered, people would say it was somehow your fault for not knowing better. Are men truly that clueless, or just that one?
 
Online dating is a mess, yes. It also really really favors people who are attractive AND good at texting. Even then, it's a lottery. That said, I have gotten dates from it (if trying hard enough, I can probably get a couple a month). The pictures advice above is great.

Once you get a match, ask them about something in one of their pictures or their write-up. Did they seem to go on a trip in a photo? Ask the about it. Did they mention something they like? Ask about it. This is a new person you are trying to get to know. Find out their interests. Don't lead with "What do you want from a relationship?" You don't even know if you want a relationship with this person. Get to KNOW them first. The relationship will follow, if it feels right.
 
Haha, I once was talking to this younger guy, and he was asking me about my interests. We talked for a couple days, and then he basically told me, "Okay, we've covered the 'talking about our vanilla interests' part, now let's get to talking about having sex. When and where will this be happening?"

Delete and block.
 
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