Questioning Polyamory

[InaraWanders]

Hello! I’m glad this forum exists... I’ve been feeling curious about polyamory but do not have anyone to really talk to about it. I am married (together 4 years, married 3) and my husband is very monogamous and has expressed he does not desire that to change.

He is such a great husband and father and I love him. I do think, however, that I am polyamorous. I am really struggling with accepting it because given what little my husband has said about polyamory he is not a fan and he even broke up with a bisexual ex girlfriend who suggested that they have a threesome, so he feels quite strongly about it. I don’t want to not be married to him, but I also have feelings for a friend of mine, a girl, I’ve known since childhood and I know that she has feelings for me, as well. I have been nothing but appropriate when talking to her and have hid nothing from my husband. She knows I am married and respects that, and honestly I don’t know if she would be okay with polyamory, either.

I hate this feeling of having to pick! I don’t want to pick! That’s like asking me to pick one of my children over another. I have two children. I didn’t stop loving my first born because I had a second baby. I don’t see why that is so acceptable but me loving two people at once (actually three, I also deeply love one of my exes and always will) is seen as immoral or wrong by so many.

I feel boxed in and like I don’t have any way to process all of these feelings. Just as fast as they come up, I’m already judging myself, feeling guilty because there is nothing wrong with my marriage or my husband (besides normal marriage stuff) so why does my heart stay open for business? I’m wrestling with all these questions and the only people I have to talk to about it are my mono husband, or my mono friends, who all view, to some degree, polyamory negatively.

What would you recommend for someone in a committed monogamous marriage who is questioning whether she is polyamorous? Any guidance would be appreciated. Thank you.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello InaraWanders,

You definitely want to stay married to your husband, and as long as that's the case, you'll have to honor his wishes regarding poly. Have you told him about the feelings you have for your friend? Have you told him that you would like to act on those feelings? Have you told him that you don't want to pick? If not, these are things to bring up with him in a conversation. You can talk to him about poly from time to time, and maybe eventually, little by little, he'll become okay with you being poly. Even if he doesn't become okay with himself being poly, he may become okay with it for you.

That is if he is willing to talk about it, and stays willing. You do want to stay married to him, and as long as that's the case, you'll have to honor his wishes regarding talking about poly. You can only talk with him about it if he consents to the talking. And, you can only do poly if he consents to you doing it. Poly is all about consent, everyone involved has to consent to it or it is not poly. You can, of course, turn to this forum at any time and talk with us about it. We can't consent for your husband but we can sympathize with your position. There is nothing wrong with poly per se.

Hopefully some of that helps ...
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[vinsanity0]

It's hard for me to relate to a man who would break up with a woman because she suggested having a threesome. It sounds like poly is a hard No for him. That means you will have to make a choice, even if you don't want to.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

It's can be hard when you arrive at the self knowledge of poly AFTER marriage rather than before.

What would you recommend for someone in a committed monogamous marriage who is questioning whether she is polyamorous? Any guidance would be appreciated. Thank you.

Well, first do your soul searching.

What's the main issue? From your post, I would guess....

• Help. I have nobody to talk to about my poly feelings. Everyone I know is monogamous and won't talk to me.

• Help. I want to tell my husband about my poly feelings but I'm afraid he will dump me. I don't want to DO poly. I want to have my spouse understand me in full context so can live authentically and not be hiding parts of me.

• Help. I want to tell my husband about my poly feelings. I want to eventually do poly, and I don't like thinking that it will mean giving up my marriage because I already know my husband isn't into that.

• Help. I don't like feeling love for more than one person like I have to pick one to love. What do I do about my love feelings?

• Help. I cannot just feel my poly feelings and enjoy them while they last and then let them go. Instead I judge my own self like I'm bad for even having them in the first place. Then I feel guilty. I'm a self bully. How do I stop bullying my own self?

Is it one of those? Or something else?

FWIW, there's nothing wrong with loving whoever it is you love. But having chosen to participate in monogamous marriage? You are Closed. You do not date them or do anything about it. You simply experience the feelings and let them pass.

Maybe what you want is Closed marriage, but the ability to talk to your spouse about what is actually going on in your inner life so you aren't walking around clogged up? Is that it? Like the middle place of Closed enough for him because it's not like you are dating other people. You are committed to the marriage. But Open enough for you so you can be authentic with spouse and not be keeping parts of yourself hidden and not like he only loves some "sanitized" version of you. Is that it?

You also have to stop judging yourself. Your heart just works how it works. When you have whatever feelings for whatever people? Be ok feeling that. You are alive!

This thing about being upset your heart stays open for business -- what? You want to NOT be alive? You think marriage means you never notice beauty in the world or never feel attractions to others? Traditional monogamous marriage vows mean you forsake all others. It doesn't mean you went dead and don't have eyes to see or feelings to feel. You simply chose to only feel them and NOT act on them and pursue other people.

Go easier on yourself and be kinder to yourself.

Keep in mind too that at 4 years together with young kids -- some of your stress may be partly from changing to another stage of marriage. Like the honeymoon part is over and you are settling in for the long haul with parenting and you might be like "Aaah! What did I sign up for?" That's normal too.

Galagirl

 

[dingedheart]

I feel boxed in and like I don’t have any way to process all of these feelings. Just as fast as they come up, I’m already judging myself, feeling guilty because there is nothing wrong with my marriage or my husband (besides normal marriage stuff) so why does my heart stay open for business? I’m wrestling with all these questions and the only people I have to talk to about it are my mono husband, or my mono friends, who all view, to some degree, polyamory negatively.

What would you recommend for someone in a committed monogamous marriage who is questioning whether she is polyamorous? Any guidance would be appreciated. Thank you.

I think it’s pretty clear you’re beyond questioning at this point with feeling boxed in or trapped. IMO Id say you’re firmly in the poly camp. The unfortunate part is that it took 4 yrs marriage and family for you to discover it. It would have been much cleaner had everyone known that upfront but that’s water under the bridge now.

My advice is life is too short to live feeling boxed in or trapped. And it’s only going to grow worse over time and you’ll kick yourself of not having done something sooner. If there is a profound compatibility issue it’s better to find out now than limb along for yrs with the same result. I think you need to have that difficult conversation .

Good luck