Questions about being poly in a currently monogamous relationship (with permission)

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DemonicVixen

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Update: I asked him about the whole situation about how I was feeling about that women and he said that if that if it ever happens again I can get the persons number and we can talk together about it he seems supportive thank you everyone for the support I’m so glad it ended up being positive. 💜

Hello. So I am female, my partner is male. We have been engaged for 5 years and dating for longer. I used to, before him, be in a poly relationship and, to be honest, I really liked it. Feeling loved by two people at once and loving two people made my depression feel so light. Some stuff happened with that relationship and now I am with my future hubby. I just feel like I am missing a piece of myself. Idk, it feels so off not having another person to share the love with.

Then the other day at a convention where me and my partner were selling stuff (he is a fantastic artist 💜) I saw this women, and... I don’t know. This whole time I haven’t thought of anyone but my hubby. Don’t get me wrong. I love him so extremely much I could not live without him. 🥰 But oddly, I saw this woman like, love at first sight, which was so weird. Idk, I haven’t felt that in forever.

Then the craziest thing happened. She came over to our booth and asked me for my number, I was so frazzled. I was like uhh umm and I said sorry I can’t, but you can have our business card if you want to order anything or do custom order. She looked hurt and took the card and went off and that freaking killed me. I still hurt from it and I don’t know why. I didn’t even know her. But the impact of her presence was daunting. I just don’t know what to think of that.

I told my partner everything. I don’t hide anything from him, even the fact I thought she was cute. He asked me if I thought she was cute, and I was like yeah, very.

I’m in like this weird mind space now and idk how to get out of it. I didn’t give my number out. But for some reason, I feel like a crappy person. What do I do? I’m scared that telling him all that made him upset. But I keep asking him if he is and he said he wasn’t. Also our business card only has his info on it, since it’s his leather works, so nothing she can get in contact with me.

I just feel like a jerk. I love my hubby so much. I don’t want to make him hurt. Even though he says he is not, I’m worried he is hiding his hurt. What should I do? I know this is long. I’m sorry. Thank you for reading.
 
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Tell your fiance this:

Meeting that woman at the con stirred up feelings in me. I used to, before you, be in a poly relationship and, to be honest, I really liked it. Feeling loved by two people at once and loving two people made my depression feel so light. Some stuff happened with that other relationship and now I am with you. I just feel like I am missing a piece of myself. Idk, it feels so off not having another person to share the love with.

See? Those are your own words. Honesty is best.
 
Magdlyn said:
Tell your fiance this:

Meeting that woman at the con stirred up feelings in me. I used to, before you, be in a poly relationship and, to be honest, I really liked it. Feeling loved by two people at once and loving two people made my depression feel so light. Some stuff happened with that other relationship and now I am with you. I just feel like I am missing a piece of myself. Idk, it feels so off not having another person to share the love with.

See? Those are your own words. Honesty is best.
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Thank you. Yeah, you're right. I just need to sit down and talk to him and not be scared. Just be open as I can be and state my feelings and ask what his are on the matter, too.
 
The woman is gone. Let it go.

I just feel like a jerk. I love my hubby so much. I don’t want to make him hurt. Even though he says he is not, I’m worried he is hiding his hurt. What should I do? I know this is long. I’m sorry. Thank you for reading.
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You could believe him that he is not. You are the one there. You know him. Is he in the habit of lying, pretending and hiding his hurt? Or is this what you do, so you figure other people do that?

What really happened here? Someone asked you out while you were running a vendor booth. You declined. You told fiancé about it. He's fine.

So... why are you not fine? Why do you believe you are a crappy person because someone else asked you out? You could examine that. Monogamous people get hit on and turn it down and then... nothing. Why would you say you were a "good girl?" You aren't a child. You aren't doing anything bad. Maybe you could have been a little smoother. "Aw, thanks for the compliment, but I'm spoken for. I hope you enjoy the convention!" or similar. But you got startled. It's okay. That doesn't make you crap.

Is it that you want to go back to polyamory and don't want this monogamous thing anymore? If so, talk to him. This is the engagement period. You are supposed to be having the deep talks to see if you are actually compatible for marriage or not. Are you doing the engagement work? Why are you scared to have the deep talks with him?

These days you can take an online marriage prep class. Sometimes showing the receipt from prep class cuts you a break on the cost of the marriage license at city hall. Maybe talk to a poly-friendly counselor to cover the parts that weren't covered by class to get into the poly specific bits?

In case if helps you find someone:

www.polyfriendly.org

If you are engaged to consider marriage, I encourage you to do the work of engagement. Lean in and have the needed talks. Assess your deep compatibility for marriage.

Galagirl
 
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Hello DemonicVixen,

Some of us are naturally poly, just as others are naturally monogamous. And there are people who can go either way and be happy, you have tried that but find something missing when you practice monogamy. There is such a thing as a mono/poly relationship, I don't know if your hubby could accept you being poly while he remains mono.

My suggestion would be to sit down with him and have a long heart to heart, explain to him that you don't want to hide anything from him, but you also don't want to hurt him in any way. Emphasize how much you love him, and confess that you are just a polyamorous person inside. Confess that you don't know what to do. Give him a chance to understand.

I have a feeling these poly feelings aren't going to go away. Sure you turned away this one woman, but there are bound to be others. You don't want to get into a situation where what now is just an aching emptiness inside, festers and grows into a resentment towards your hubby. I think it's better to get these things out in the open.

Hang in there,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Some of us are naturally poly, just as others are naturally monogamous. And there are people who can go either way and be happy. You have tried that, but find something missing when you practice monogamy. There is such a thing as a mono/poly relationship, I don't know if your hubby could accept you being poly while he remains mono.

My suggestion would be to sit down with him and have a long heart to heart, explain to him that you don't want to hide anything from him, but you also don't want to hurt him in any way. Emphasize how much you love him, and confess that you are just a polyamorous person inside. Confess that you don't know what to do. Give him a chance to understand.

I have a feeling these poly feelings aren't going to go away. Sure, you turned away this one woman, but there are bound to be others. You don't want to get into a situation where what now is just an aching emptiness inside, festers and grows into a resentment towards your hubby. I think it's better to get these things out in the open.
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Thank you. I really appreciate you. Means a lot, giving me advice. Honestly, you're right. If I feel like this now and it hurts and I get over it and feel better, it can happen again. You're so right, I don’t want to resent my hubby. I will try to sit down and talk with him.
 
I believe that's the right thing to do. Sure he could conceivably get upset, but that's better than hiding things from him. That's my opinion anyway.
 
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