Questions about my role in this relationship... Please advise❤️

[HarleyDavidsonPinUp]

I apologize in advance for my naievety...
So, within the passed month I started seeing an attatched man who is in an ethical non menogamous with his wife who lives across the country.
This is my first experience with this, and it seems to be what I am looking for in my life right now after ending a 17yr strictly monogamous relationship about a year ago. (He cheated on me the last 3 months I was with him, so it was monogamous on my part at least... 😳)
Quick set up to give a background story...
Met on Bumble. He was 100% honest with me from the start, and in fact it took me a month or so to step away and consider it, before meeting him. He works a month in my state, then a month back home.
What he was looking for was a situation where he had a primary besides his wife when he is here, but that when he was back home, obviously his focus would be on his family. He also said he wanted the option to have another on the side for a "back up" when his primary here was on a date or away for a weekend with someone else.
We quickly hit it off, and had some pretty intense conversations that surprised us both, and really built trust and openness with eachother. Chemistry is incredible, but our conversations were what really bonded us quickly.
After a few weeks, I divulged to him that although I completely respected the fact that his wife is his soulmate and comes first, and that I'm not disillusioned into thinking or even wanting to change that, (because I am on my own path of finding my soulmate, so to speak) I felt like I would be uncomfortable being considered his "back up" when he is here, based fully on the fact that I feel like we developed a unique and special relationship of our own, and wanted to be his, for lack of a better term, "primary" when he is here.
His reply was that he felt comfortable with however serious I wanted to get, with the option of a backup to have fun with when I'm busy.
I found that fair.
He also said he didn't want to JUST be my "back up' but wanted to continue to develop a relationship while helping me navigate my search for someone to take a more permanent place in my life, as well as help me to learn more about myself and what I want and deserved.
Here's where it gets confusing to me... He informed me that he made plans with a girl he's been talking to for the weekend, but didn't mention it until AFTER I stayed at his place, actually the morning of his plans with her...
Am I misunderstanding this? Because my interpretation was that this person was only for when I wasn't available...
I'm overly sensitive to sounding like I'm jealous, bc I don't feel like I am? But, that being said, I guess I don't know what I'm feeling. If I'm just hypervigilant about proving I can handle this lifestyle so I'm overlooking a red flag?
I kind of feel like it chipped away at my faith in his words, because he was so nonchalant about telling me and had an "ooopsie, I'm sorry, didn't really think about it" attitude about it.

I included a screenshot of our conversation. He is in the black on the left of the screen.

I would appreciate some clairity... Thank you in advance. ❤️
View attachment Screenshot_2023-05-06-21-39-00-31_0ce57feeccaa51fb7deed04b4dbda235.jpg

 

[Evie]

So he made plans to see her after seeing you? Did you think your date was going to last longer than he thought? You were still available so you assumed he'd spend that time with you, even though it wasn't actually explicit? He was nonchalant because he didn't see it as encroaching on your time together because as far as he was concerned your date was going to be over before his date with her began?

It sounds like you need to ask for greater clarity about beginning and ending times so you don't end up feeling displaced.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Why are you comfortable with anyone being thought of as back up?

I think the guy just wants to be poly and have full relationships with others.

 

[GalaGirl]

I apologize in advance for my naievety...

It's ok to be new. You don't have to apologize for that.

We quickly hit it off, and had some pretty intense conversations that surprised us both, and really built trust and openness with each other. Chemistry is incredible, but our conversations were what really bonded us quickly.

Was that love bombing?

He also said he didn't want to JUST be my "back up' but wanted to continue to develop a relationship while helping me navigate my search for someone to take a more permanent place in my life, as well as help me to learn more about myself and what I want and deserved.

What is with this "backup" business? You can polydate people. He can polydate people.

But him calling them "back ups" kinda makes it sound like he needs constant "entertain me" people because he can't be on his own alone to me.

Why's he so eager to be your "poly coach" helper? Not his job. You can just poly date and find your own people yourself.

Why's he so eager to be like your "free therapist" or "poly guru" to help you learn about yourself and the ways of poly? Not his job. Esp when he ALSO wants to date you. It's not like he'd be impartial.

To me that screenshot feels like he's telling you whatever to gain access to dating you. So because you are new? Be careful. Just like in any other kind of dating? Not everyone is nice. You have been dating him what? 2 mos. And half the time he was at his location for work, right? Slow your roll.

Him texting you don't have to be the back up, you can be the primary, however you want. But either way, HE expects to be your primary and NOT a back up? It's... weird. Like he's being "so generous" that you can date other people. When really? You CAN date other people ALREADY!

I'd find him a bit much. But that's me.

He informed me that he made plans with a girl he's been talking to for the weekend, but didn't mention it until AFTER I stayed at his place, actually the morning of his plans with her...
Am I misunderstanding this? Because my interpretation was that this person was only for when I wasn't available...

So he can't just end the date with you at X o'clock like he planned with you?

And then move on with his day? Or was the end of the date not clear?

What actually happened? I cannot tell. Are you saying that you feel annoyed you spent the night, shared sex, and then he's like "Ok, scoot, cuz I got a date later?" like you were a booty call after all his talk about you becoming his primary?

I'm overly sensitive to sounding like I'm jealous, bc I don't feel like I am? But, that being said, I guess I don't know what I'm feeling. If I'm just hypervigilant about proving I can handle this lifestyle so I'm overlooking a red flag?

You do not have to prove anything to him. He's just some dude you just started dating.

Poly date how YOU want to poly date. And if this guy isn't a match, it's not a match.

You would not keep dating a dud just to prove you can handle monogamy, right? Why keep dating a dud just to prove you can handle polyamory?

I kind of feel like it chipped away at my faith in his words, because he was so nonchalant about telling me and had an "ooopsie, I'm sorry, didn't really think about it" attitude about it.

Well, you have no reason to have super high faith in his words. You are just barely starting to build trust with a new potential you haven't known very long.

Might be true. And an honest mistake.

Or he's "testing" you to see how much you will tolerate or believe after coming on strong and kinda love bombing maybe? I can't tell from reading what you actually have on your hands.

So I think if you want to keep dating? Tread with caution, go slow, and don't put all your eggs in this basket. Take some time to poly educate yourself.

You are free to poly date whoever you want. SOMEONE has to be the first person you poly date. It doesn't automatically mean you are gonna be deeply compatible just because of that. YKWIM?

 

[HarleyDavidsonPinUp]

All great replies and gives me alot to think about... Obviously I have a lot more to learn about myself in order to be confident in my choices, and learning to take the lead in my own love life, whatever that ends up looking like.
I think I'm still approaching this from the point of view of not understanding my own expectations, and need to explore that. Obviously if I'm not clear with myself about what I require, I'll be unable to be clear with anyone else.
I think I'll take a step back from the situation and give myself some room to think.
Whatever it is or isn't just doesn't feel like is clear, or possibly was understood fully on my part.
Again thank you for some clarity. ❤️

 

[HarleyDavidsonPinUp]

So he made plans to see her after seeing you? Did you think your date was going to last longer than he thought? You were still available so you assumed he'd spend that time with you, even though it wasn't actually explicit? He was nonchalant because he didn't see it as encroaching on your time together because as far as he was concerned your date was going to be over before his date with her began?

It sounds like you need to ask for greater clarity about beginning and ending times so you don't end up feeling displaced.

My uneasiness was that I thought his backup was only for when I wasn't available, if that makes sense? Meaning that it felt flip flopped bc I was being set aside for her, when I was clear from the jump about not being a "back up".

 

[Evie]

I wish you all the best in stepping back and working out if you do actually want to date someone who is polyamorous. Many of us see two partners on one day. It's not uncommon to wake up with one person after a lovely night, but then go our separate ways and see another partner (or have a random date) later that day. He's nonchalant about it because to him, it's no big deal, not that he's trying to deceive you.

 

[Tinwen]

My uneasiness was that I thought his backup was only for when I wasn't available, if that makes sense? Meaning that it felt flip flopped bc I was being set aside for her, when I was clear from the jump about not being a "back up".

Uhm, well, I get it, but I think what you're proposing and expecting here is a bad agreement.

Nobody likes when they make weekend plans with a partner and then he tells them mid-weekend that he also has other unexpected commitments. Need not be another partner.

(Hint: The question if you're jealous can be answered by asking yourself "would I be also bothered if there was no other partner involved?" like, it would be a football match to watch with his friend. I think in that case you'd be either ok or enjoyed or angry, but not so hurt. So yes, you're jealous. Nothing wrong with that, we all have it.)

It may be a reasonable to expect him to keep the time you scheduled. It may be reasonable to ask to be notified about other plans he makes for "your" few weekends together. It's also ok to ask more time than you're getting (although he's very free to decline).

However, I find it is generally not reasonable to ask a third partner to subjugate to your schedule. Become a "backup" as you write. I don't understand why you'd be willing to impose that upon anyone. (Heh, the very rare occasions when I agree with @SEASONEDpolyAgain on this forum).
If he's got another relationship - even if it turns out to be far less frequent, intense, committed, or whatever, and thus could be called secondary - it is a relationship with a person. She has her own schedules and priorities. Their relationship will have it's own needs. You just will have to compromise and share time sometimes - scheduling conflicts are unavoidable. The question is, how all people involved - and the hinge in particular - handle them.

That being said, seeking to add someone new when you're just two months into another new relationship is... well... to the very least, he's not as much immersed in NRE as you are. Or is she a preexisting partner?

 

[GalaGirl]

All great replies and gives me alot to think about... Obviously I have a lot more to learn about myself in order to be confident in my choices, and learning to take the lead in my own love life, whatever that ends up looking like.

It's YOUR life. You get to pick how you want to be.

I think I'm still approaching this from the point of view of not understanding my own expectations, and need to explore that. Obviously if I'm not clear with myself about what I require, I'll be unable to be clear with anyone else.

Yes. Figure out what it is you want. On your own, or with someone actually impartial like a trusted friend. NOT some guy who also wants to date you and might have an angle.

You are are recently out of a 17 yr monogamous relationship that ended with partner cheating. And you are new to polyamory. So you might think about going slow as you figure out this new chapter of your life.

I think I'll take a step back from the situation and give myself some room to think. Whatever it is or isn't just doesn't feel like is clear, or possibly was understood fully on my part.

Yup. If you are going to keep on dating him, get clear on his expectations and state your own expectations.

It's fine for both sides to date other people. Even on the same day. But how he talks about them, how he talks to you, being respectful, etc? Matters.

Calling people "back ups" is off putting. You seem to not like it -- you don't want to be "the back up" person yourself. So... why are you ok with him treating others like that?

People are not disposable or interchangeable.

 

[HarleyDavidsonPinUp]

Uhm, well, I get it, but I think what you're proposing and expecting here is a bad agreement.

Nobody likes when they make weekend plans with a partner and then he tells them mid-weekend that he also has other unexpected commitments. Need not be another partner.

(Hint: The question if you're jealous can be answered by asking yourself "would I be also bothered if there was no other partner involved?" like, it would be a football match to watch with his friend. I think in that case you'd be either ok or enjoyed or angry, but not so hurt. So yes, you're jealous. Nothing wrong with that, we all have it.)

It may be a reasonable to expect him to keep the time you scheduled. It may be reasonable to ask to be notified about other plans he makes for "your" few weekends together. It's also ok to ask more time than you're getting (although he's very free to decline).

However, I find it is generally not reasonable to ask a third partner to subjugate to your schedule. Become a "backup" as you write. I don't understand why you'd be willing to impose that upon anyone. (Heh, the very rare occasions when I agree with @SEASONEDpolyAgain on this forum).
If he's got another relationship - even if it turns out to be far less frequent, intense, committed, or whatever, and thus could be called secondary - it is a relationship with a person. She has her own schedules and priorities. Their relationship will have it's own needs. You just will have to compromise and share time sometimes - scheduling conflicts are unavoidable. The question is, how all people involved - and the hinge in particular - handle them.

That being said, seeking to add someone new when you're just two months into another new relationship is... well... to the very least, he's not as much immersed in NRE as you are. Or is she a preexisting partner?

Great response. I didn't even realize I was being dismissive of the secondary relationship by labeling it how we did. That would be hurtful, if I was in her situation.
Thank you for being so up front about what I'm not understanding. I definitely have some soul searching to do if I am unintentionally coming across how I am. Even just using correct verbiage would never have crossed my mind, so thank you.

 

[HarleyDavidsonPinUp]

It's YOUR life. You get to pick how you want to be.



Yes. Figure out what it is you want. On your own, or with someone actually impartial like a trusted friend. NOT some guy who also wants to date you and might have an angle.

You are are recently out of a 17 yr monogamous relationship that ended with partner cheating. And you are new to polyamory. So you might think about going slow as you figure out this new chapter of your life.



Yup. If you are going to keep on dating him, get clear on his expectations and state your own expectations.

It's fine for both sides to date other people. Even on the same day. But how he talks about them, how he talks to you, being respectful, etc? Matters.

Calling people "back ups" is off putting. You seem to not like it -- you don't want to be "the back up" person yourself. So... why are you ok with him treating others like that?

People are not disposable or interchangeable.

I honestly didn't even think about the wording used, but it being brought to my attention really makes me disappointed for not realizing how disrespectful of a label it is. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. I obviously have a lot of maturing to do while exploring this lifestyle...

 

[HarleyDavidsonPinUp]

It's YOUR life. You get to pick how you want to be.



Yes. Figure out what it is you want. On your own, or with someone actually impartial like a trusted friend. NOT some guy who also wants to date you and might have an angle.

You are are recently out of a 17 yr monogamous relationship that ended with partner cheating. And you are new to polyamory. So you might think about going slow as you figure out this new chapter of your life.



Yup. If you are going to keep on dating him, get clear on his expectations and state your own expectations.

It's fine for both sides to date other people. Even on the same day. But how he talks about them, how he talks to you, being respectful, etc? Matters.

Calling people "back ups" is off putting. You seem to not like it -- you don't want to be "the back up" person yourself. So... why are you ok with him treating others like that?

People are not disposable or interchangeable.

I agree with you completely.

It's YOUR life. You get to pick how you want to be.



Yes. Figure out what it is you want. On your own, or with someone actually impartial like a trusted friend. NOT some guy who also wants to date you and might have an angle.

You are are recently out of a 17 yr monogamous relationship that ended with partner cheating. And you are new to polyamory. So you might think about going slow as you figure out this new chapter of your life.



Yup. If you are going to keep on dating him, get clear on his expectations and state your own expectations.

It's fine for both sides to date other people. Even on the same day. But how he talks about them, how he talks to you, being respectful, etc? Matters.

Calling people "back ups" is off putting. You seem to not like it -- you don't want to be "the back up" person yourself. So... why are you ok with him treating others like that?

People are not disposable or interchangeable.

You're 100 percent correct. And I'm going to take a little time to educate myself on things before I inadvertently use offensive labels... I sincerely feel horrible for being so focused on how I was feeling that I didn't think about the bigger picture. Normally I do alot better at learning new things, but I can tell this is going to be something more difficult. Especially when other people's feelings are involved. It is something that I want to explore, so I need to be responsible enough to take the time to really understand the dynamic.
I'm really used to jumping into things head first, but I can see where this is more complex than I thought.
Again, thank you for taking the time to respond. ♥️

 

[HarleyDavidsonPinUp]

I wish you all the best in stepping back and working out if you do actually want to date someone who is polyamorous. Many of us see two partners on one day. It's not uncommon to wake up with one person after a lovely night, but then go our separate ways and see another partner (or have a random date) later that day. He's nonchalant about it because to him, it's no big deal, not that he's trying to deceive you.

Exactly. I think I'm still associating previous relationship norms without realizing it. I need to be more conscious about exploring all of this and what it entails.

 

[Tinwen]

Great response. I didn't even realize I was being dismissive of the secondary relationship by labeling it how we did. That would be hurtful, if I was in her situation.
Thank you for being so up front about what I'm not understanding. I definitely have some soul searching to do if I am unintentionally coming across how I am. Even just using correct verbiage would never have crossed my mind, so thank you.

No worries, I'm sure you're a well-meaning person. I hope you sort out your situation.

In fact, it's extremely common for people to try and put restraints on prospective relationships that are just too much. If you want more insight, there's a famous article called "so someone called you a unicorn hunter" concerning one particular flavor of this dynamic (long-term couples opening up). You may want to come back to it when your current relationship turmoil slows down, as you may as well find yourself at the other side of the coin:

Unicorns-R-Us

The two of you have a preexisting relationship, and you have talked about all of this, and you have set a boundary (hint: as stated above this isn’t a “boundary”, it’s a “rule”), and you are “notifying” the new person of how things will be. You aren’t pressuring them into anything, they are free to take or leave it. However if U sees the two of you presenting a united front, it will be extra difficult for her to argue for a different situation. Also, this begins a pattern that is often the greatest source of problems that Unicorn Hunters face. You are negotiating the terms of your relationship with U before U is even a person.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

While it's true that its not nice to think of other people as back ups, there is another reason embracing this approach is unwise. If you allow someone to be "back up" when you're not around, you invite the potential of being the back up to someone else more favored than you are.

If you're okay with constantly having to compete to sustain top spot, then it doesn't matter as much. But if you'd prefer that you could relax and not feel like you're under threat of replacement any time you can't be present, then I'd say to shed that thinking from your relationships.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello HarleyDavidsonPinUp,

It sounds like the main difficulty you're having with this situation, is that he gave you his word that he would only see the other person when you weren't available -- and then he turned around and made plans with the other person for a time when you were available. In other words, he was not true to his word. Under that circumstance, I think it is very natural for your trust in him to be eroded.

Now whether it was the best agreement to start with is a separate matter. You might want to discuss with him whether you and he will change the agreement. But first he needs to understand that he broke his word to you, and for that he owes you an apology (and not just a flippant apology).

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.