Quick advise on phone calls

[GalaGirl]

I hope you feel better for the vent.

I'm so sorry her behavior is so disappointing. I hope over time, as you rebuild your social circle, you will have IRL people you trust and can turn to when things are rough.

This is bullshit and I refuse to accept it.

If you are done here? Be done. Don't drag out a break up. Then you don't have to keep doing this or feeling this over and over.

At the same time? Continue to detangle. I still think it is healthier for you not to be so wrapped up in her, or in any future partners. Stand on your own two feet more.

And start counting strikes. I go with 3 strikes. You pick whatever. But I'm sure if divorce is on the table and this is supposed to be her last chance to get it together? It's not gonna be 50, 500, 5000 more second chances right? Whatever reasonable number you pick? Start counting.

If she hasn't used up all the strikes yet?

Put some of this in perspective.

What have you learned? Don't make dates with her on the same day as her traveling home day because she's a flake with her Word and it becomes a PITA for you.

You also don't go all out.

You also don't expect anything.

Me? How I handle my stress and anxiety around people who don't keep their Word? I just decide to expect nothing. I don't bother to take them at their word. Then when nothing happens? I'm not disappointed.

If something does happen and they DO actually follow through? I take it medium chill like "Oh, that's nice." Like a pleasant bonus. I got a donut.

But not super excited like "WHEE! You made my YEAR!" I won a round the world trip ticket with all expenses paid and I can bring 6 people with me!

How much sorrow, disappointment, ect. Like I put out all this effort, I got candles ready, and this is how I am repayed? (She doesn't know I dressed up and all that stuff. But still?) Pay me little mind right now. I'm basically venting to strangers bc I trust no one in real life enough.

I mean this kindly, ok?

If you big main goal is to do less and stress less... you have to align your own behavior to the goal. Not pile on extra work for yourself.

While nice that you got all dressed up and all that to welcome her home? I think it was too much for what it is. It's def. extra work.

Like you were trying to making it "special" when really? It could just be "ordinary" coming home. Or a "smaller" special -- like maybe you got donuts for dessert and that's it.

She doesn't know you were going all out getting all dolled up and everything. If you did extra work when you are supposed to be resting and doing less? And then she flakes and you end up disappointed big because you did all this stuff? Well... who made you do it? You?

Could have been disappointed smaller by skipping all this extra work and sticking to your big destress goal.

Could have gotten or get on with making "ordinary dinner" and eat on time like usual without waiting around on her. Then if she makes it? Great. Pleasant bonus to cook/eat together. If she doesn't make it? Oh well. Small bummer, but no surprise, and it didn't put you out any.

Because your expectation is that she's flaky with her Word. And YOUR dinner is still fine and on time.

Her dinner? She can microwave some leftovers or make a sandwich or figure it out herself.

I'm not angry, I'm so low that any lower would be dangerous to my life. I won't let her push me that far.

Please call a helpline, seek professional care and/or check into ER if you start feeling suicidal.

But if you are this low? It's ok to be done here. And not try any more with her. No relationship is worth killing yourself over. You have to be able to say "I might love you, but not even for you will I do stuff or stay in stuff that hurts me."

If being here hurts you? It's ok to end it and walk away so things can REALLY get better for you. Rather than same ol' song, different day.

Galagirl

 

[Ductcha]

Please call a helpline, seek professional care and/or check into ER if you start feeling suicidal.

Fear not. I won't allow myself to fall that low. It happened to me before and I have relentlessly worked to make sure I recognize my limitations and to pause before acting on that, make sure I never get too close to that line. Hence why I'm debating going. I was simply stating how low I felt in the moment. I am cooled off quite a bit. I remembered my choices can enable her or protect me, but rarely are those in line.
I'd call the hotline if I was at risk.

 

[kdt26417]

Yes. Right now you need to make choices that protect you.

 

[Marcus]

(She doesn't know I dressed up and all that stuff. But still?)

I get that her time management is irritating; people who consistently can't or won't show up when they say they are going to will prompt me to adjust my expectations of them. Once someone shows that they aren't going to do what they say they're going to do, I just make that decision for them and do it alone (or with someone else).

However, it sounds like you got yourself all set up for a super romantic evening with cute clothes and candles, and there was quite a bit of weight put on it being successful and her being on time, but you never told her this was happening? Is it possible that she didn't think it's a big deal because this is something you guys do frequently?

If you have expectations that are not expressed and people don't meet those expectations, that's on you. She is clearly not a mind reader (or she just really sucks at it) so I encourage you to not set both of you up for failure like this.