Ductcha, you correct me if my impressions are wrong ok?
I perceived this thread as Ductcha wanting quick validation.
- That yes, that call was stupid talk. (And it was.)
- And it is ok to feel hurt that she's thoughtless. (It is.)
- And no, he doesn't have to put up with that again. (Which he doesn't)
Even if you initially agreed to do this many calls? You can change your mind and tell her you are not doing them. She can keep doing them on her end, but she can expect some of them to go to voicemail because you are not up for this many and are not always gonna be available.
Or put up with it since you agreed and maybe the trip is almost over anyway. But having learned from this experience that you don't actually like it? Don't agree to do that again if it feels sucky and you'd rather spend your time doing something else.
thanks …I’d use stronger language than could. for reasonable chances of success it requires a maximum effort/ good faith effort on all parts. “ Could “ doesn’t cut it.
Dingedheart, I think it does require max effort and good faith on both parts. And both partners could attend to that if that is a shared value.
(I do Non Violent Communication, "could" is part of that.)
If I changed to "I think it does require max effort and good faith on both parts. And both partners SHOULD attend to that if that is a shared value." it doesn't really change the practical things in this situation.
- Ductcha can only control his own behavior.
- Wife controls her behavior.
- Ductcha cannot MAKE wife do anything.
- Wife cannot MAKE Ductcha do anything.
Spouse and new love interest communicate pretty much nonstop or without many limits but feel infringed upon during “ their “ time. It’s the insult more than anything.
I think it is an insult to the established partner who is making space for NRE in a show of good faith if the hinge just takes that for granted and "phones it in" and doesn't do their own part in maintaining continued time/space/connection with the established partner.
Like "I have to do MORE work to get LESS of your time and attention? Plus deal with you being NRE drunk? Who loves dealing with drunks around the house? What kind of business is that?"
I'd hope she'd have the sense to wake up and smell the coffee already and starts doing her fair share of the work and fix her time management and hinge skills, but apparently she's long been in the habit of taking Ductcha for granted.
if you deem whatever is being said in these phone calls as silly and superfluous and without any value other than woobie blanket then yes it could be considered nitpicking to discuss them. HOWEVER if he feels rejected / unimportant and a place holder she might need to know that just to avoid making that mistake again. WOULDNT YOU WANT TO KNOW THAT ?
Yes. But that's a longer conversation that Ductcha could have with her when she comes home and he's not feeling sensitive/hurt. Not try to squish it into the limited time dog walk conversation to have it with her right then.
If this call upset him in the moment? Keeping it going just keeps it in the upset. Better to hang up and take a time out to cool off. Prioritize himself FIRST. Deal with her second.
I also think it is better for Ductcha to take the time needed for serious conversation with her like he's a valuable person. Not be fitting himself into her "scraps of time" windows. He could value himself
way more than that.
2) Gala you speak and think like a person who’s arranged / constructed her life and marriage with a level of detanglement or detachment you’ve never been the struggling spouse being subjected to a NRE drunk spouse transitioning into a new poly marriage. AGAIN it sounds like she made the call using a very limited window of time and she chose the words she used during said call…ALL OF THAT CAME TO HIM. words matter and actions matter instead of letting all her calls go to voice mail so he can screen and compartmentalize in some box maybe she needs to rethink how her words and actions might affect her spouse ??? Maybe take some responsibility for saying something stupid.
Correct. I'm one of the few who on this board that doesn't/didn't deal in that. We didn't come into "poly awareness" after marriage. DH and I sorted all that out well before marriage. But even when we were sorting it out when we were dating, and both saw other people? I didn't treat my partners like this. Double standards, talking stupid, NRE obsession, etc. I think that's a poor way to behave and treat people. DH didn't treat me that way either.
I do sympathize with a struggling spouse, but that's my point. There is some inherent struggle to changing the relationship model and marriage agreements if a couple come to poly after marriage. That's plenty load right there. Why struggle
extra? One doesn't have to let their soft feelings for a spouse lead to doing stuff they really don't want to be doing or lead to being the spouse's doormat. Say "no." A person has to be able to say "I love you a lot, but no. Not even for you am I going to do stuff or put up with stuff that hurts me."
I wasn't suggesting voicemail like compartmentalizing so Ductcha can endure this wonky longer.
I was suggesting saying "Nope. Not taking this call" and letting it go to voicemail because words DO matter and he's decided he's not putting up with wonky things any more. Exercise stronger personal boundaries with wife.
I’ll reiterate ….was That the intention …to quick call while the bfs in the can or taking his dog out to pee. I only have 45 seconds to say in still alive …why ?? what makes vinny time so valuable and my time so cheap and disposable.
Exactly. Ductcha
himself could decide his time is NOT cheap and NOT disposable. Not be so available.
When he decides for himself that his time is valuable? And he stops taking her calls because she talks stupid to him and he's tired of it? That could help reduce his stress. He does not have to be available for stupid, or "scraps of attention" if he doesn't want to spend his valuable time on that.
It's ok to put his foot down on things like that if he wants their dynamic to change. Not be a doormat.
And in changing his behaviors? It might make her rethink how she talks to him. Ductcha's not sitting around by the phone waiting with bated breath. Not being mean, but also not holding his breath. And no, not always available at the drop of a hat. Because he goes out to do his own things. He's not accepting double standard crap either.
Because in the past in the other posts it sounds like Duchtcha bent over backwards. Doing TOO much. And just let her talk to him however, even rude or stupid, and run roughshod over him.
This is not a newbie couple just opening up. This ugh has been going on for several
years. From the other thread about
hyperspeed couple? They already had other attempts at poly that went sour. And cheating affairs. They also broke up once.
They got back together and this is the "last chance." Or at least I perceive it as such because he said
divorce is on the table.
So I think this time around? If divorce is on the table? Duchtcha could do a whole lot less to reduce his own stress. Put up with less stupid and just cut the crap. Nip any time wasters in the bud. Say "No, thanks" more often.
If she wants Open for just her and not Duchtcha? He can say "No, thanks. Won't be doing that." Ductcha doesn't want to deal in double standards any more. So will now be just doing his thing and going out too.
As they continue their talks? She either gets it better together and starts doing her fair share or she doesn't on THIS side of the V. Time will tell.
But Ductcha?
He's finding out that he does better and feels happier detangling and doing his own stuff and not putting up with wonky any more.
Ductcha, I think you could carry on with that and keep learning to say "No, thanks. Not doing that" when she suggests doing things that are not in your best interest. Keep going with the detangling so you can live a more balanced life for yourself.
So that if you and her stay married or divorce? Either way, YOU are a healthier, happier person who can stand on your own two feet more.
Galagirl