How do i cope with a hyperspeed new partner

D

Ductcha

New member
Hi. I am having alot of issues, but here I'm hoping for advise on coping mechanisms. Link to intro with abbreviated history.

Ductcha intro

So hello everyone. My real is Brian. I'm 35 and married. My relationship with poly has been complex, rewarding, stressful, and pretty much any other emotion you can imagine. I have been poly for about 5 or 6 years. So some history, I'll not be including new events or stuff. I'll include a line...
polyamory.com
Note this doesn't really mention my mistakes well.
Anyhow my wife just met with a guy 6 days ago for the third time, with the express intent of sex. No big deal. By the weekends end, I was hearing about how he might be "the one" and how she is going to travel to his house bi-weekly (he lives roughly 150 miles away). I haven't met him, spoken to him, I know nothing about him. He will be meeting my children in under an hour. He will then leave before I get home from work.
Here's my issue. This is insanely fast, and a month ago my wife could not handle me having more than 2.5 hours bi-weekly unless it was with a girlfriend for sex. I feel extremely blindsided. The fact that I asked at least a few days ago to be involved in the meeting the children aspect has obviously been ignored. She says she couldn't avoid it...but honestly I feel extremely disrespected. Plus I am sensing a repeat of past patterns where she will rush head long into a bad relationship, it falls apart, usually as I'm just starting to bond with a new partner which ends in breakups and stuff. She swears this time is different, but I have difficulty accepting that, and I'm am incredibly stressed over all of it. So I am stressed over the speed and suddeness, fear that she will enjoy poly while I end up in this strange limbo, and a sense of isolated disrespect. I'm wondering if anyone has a stress relief technique which is not outwardly noticeable and doesn't involve deep meditation or heavy breathing as those actions are increasing my wife's stress levels to a point that she is struggling to deal.
 
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This sounds like a toxic relationship. Your wife's actions are cavalier and aren't taking your feelings into account. This is clearly not consensual, which is a tenant of polyamory.
Make sure your wife understands this is too fast, and you're uncomfortable. She needs to keep her NRE in check and slow down.

You can ask her what her intentions are, and then ask her if her actions are matching them.
If she's intellectually honest, she will recognize the issue.

Otherwise, I'm sorry to say, it sounds like she's just out for herself and using you as an "anchor" to return to should it not work out, and doesn't care how much it bothers you.

Tread carefully.
 
Hello Ductcha,

You need to stop and have an internal dialog with yourself, do not do this in a way that your wife would notice, just ask yourself, "What am I afraid of? Why am I afraid of it? What's the worst thing that could happen here? How would I deal with it if it did happen?" What you might discover is that you could survive the worst thing, and thus, you don't need to be quite so afraid of it. This is just one stress relief technique; there may be others.

Another obvious one is to visit this site often, vent here, and get advice. The only drawback is that your wife might notice you doing that. Whatever stress relief technique you use, it must be something that she absolutely cannot detect. I am assuming that divorcing her is out of the question.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks to you for answering. I will be here, and often I suspect. Wife knows. I won't hide anything from her anymore. Violates my beliefs in regard to poly. But seriously, good advise
Divorce is an ugly option but at this point on the table. Mostly because she does whatever she wants. Promises and swears that I'll be her equal, but I bond slowly, so...
 
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Glad to hear you'll be with us. You definitely shouldn't lie to her, or keep secrets, but your stress relief techniques should be low-key, so as to not be in her face so to speak. As for your relationship situation in general, you definitely need her to play fair, treat you as an equal, and allow you the same kind of freedoms (such as dating and falling in love outside the marriage) that she allows herself. I hesitated to mention divorce, it's such an awful thing to contemplate, but I had a feeling that the thought might have crossed your mind.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

Let me repeat back what I understand. You correct me if I'm wrong, ok? Blue comments are mine.

PEOPLE
  • There is you, Ductcha.
  • There is Emerald, your wife. (I have trouble with just initials. I'm gonna go with colors. If you want something else, I'll go with that.)
  • There is Blue, this new person she is dating.
MAIN PROBLEM
  • This is basically about Emerald wanting open for her, but not for you. (???)
KEY MOMENTS IN TIMELINE

A few years ago
  • You both tried poly and Emerald started to date but when you did, she wigged out and wanted to close.
  • She wanted poly for her but not you.
  • Then while closed, she cheated on closed agreements.
A few years ago
  • Then you tried poly again, and "she lost all contact with earth." (Not sure what that means)
  • You closed for a few more years.
Dec 2021
  • You fell in love, but wife couldn't handle that so broke up with you before Christmas
X months ago ish:
  • You got back together with wife to try poly again.
  • You still had the GF.
  • This time it worked out with her new BF for a time.
  • You also shared sex with her BF.
  • Emerald bulldozed through him and he broke up with Emerald.
4 months ago ish:
  • Emerald was ok with your GF, but not with you having female friends.
  • Some things happened.
    • You end up with just wife, in isolation. No GF. No more friends.
6 weeks ago
  • Emerald starts with a new guy, call him Blue.
  • She meets him for sex on the 3rd date. That doesn't bother you.
  • She arranged for him to come over and will meet the kids in an hour while you are still at work.
    • You are not cool with this as coparent and even though you asked her to change date time/find a sitter and see him elsewhere etc, she would not change the schedule.
    • She says she is going to travel to his house bi-weekly.
      • This announcement annoys you because you have not discussed childcare arrangements. Is her expectation that you just deal with it?
      • This is also annoying because wife said she couldn't handle you having time with other partners biweekly unless it was for sex
PROBLEMS

You don't like Emerald's dating style. You try to bond with her new partners, and then it's sudden break ups.
  • Could stop trying to bond with them. Let them be her problem.
You don't like not having coparenting agreements firmly in place.
  • Could talk and lay those out. One doesn't go off to have fun with other partners while leaving the nesting partner saddled with unfinished home chores or assuming they will take the night parenting. If she wants to go out on a night that is her turn for coparenting? She could make the babysitter arrangements just like she would as a single parent or better coordinate child care with you.
You are stressed over the speed and suddeness of Emerald's NRE lalas.
  • She gushes her NRE lalalas at you and that bothers you and raises anxiety because you remember all the messes before
  • She promises it will be different.
  • Great. If it is to be different, YOU do different.
    • If she starts gushing lalas at you? Say "No, thanks. Too much info. I'm not the right person for this" She can gush lalas at her new dude.
    • Be basic polite, but don't try to be friends with the new dude so fast or at all. Then if it ends up in sudden break up again, you haven't lost a friend.
    • Make your own SEPARATE friends.
    • If she's daydreaming about biweekly dates 150 miles away?
      • Great. You remind her about safer sex agreements.
      • You remind her to get it on the calendar to coordinate child care.
      • You remind her to do her home chores before she leaves.
      • She foots the bills for her gas/dates from her personal account.
      • If you don't already have separate accounts for poly dating expenses, create them. Dates could not come out of "House account" that maintains the family/kids.
You fear that she will enjoy poly while you end up in this strange limbo
  • If this is open on both sides?
    • Date how you please on your side, and maintain your safer sex agreements.
    • Get your dates on the calendar to coordinate child care.
    • Do your home chores before you leave
    • You foot the bills for your gas/dates from your personal account.
    • Remember you are not in a competition with Emerald to see who has the most poly partners.
    • And def don't share sex with any of hers again. Make your OWN connections.
    • It's ok that you bond slowly. You can have your own poly dating style that is different than your wife's. You aren't carbon copies of each other.
You don't like this sense of isolation
  • Rebuild your family and friends circle, and this time keep them.
  • Remember you also date your wife. Like (you + Emerald) as a couple, not as coparents or house managers or roomies doing chores.
You don't like this sense of disrespect.
  • Where is that coming from?
    • She says one thing and does another?
    • You aren't doing self respecting behavior?
    • Something else?
    • Could you be willing to clarify?

Divorce is on the table.
  • Well, you have tried 4-5 times already to do poly with her and you don't sound happy participating.
  • It's wonky and you feel disrespected.
  • Could try couples counseling with a poly counselor, but if that's just a waste of time/money? Could just end it.
  • Because divorce IS one way to reduce your stress load.
    • You let it go. Then you don't have to deal with it. You stop banging head on wall.
    • You only deal with coparenting issues and being a divorced family.
    • You get to do as you please in your own romantic life, and if you poly, it's with more compatible people than Esmeralda.
    • Just because two people are/were monogamously married, doesn't make them AUTOMATICALLY compatible to do poly together.
I'm wondering if anyone has a stress relief technique which is not outwardly noticeable and doesn't involve deep meditation or heavy breathing as those actions are increasing my wife's stress levels to a point that she is struggling to deal.
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I think you could do the work of detangling.

And then do whatever YOU need to destress. Rather than tiptoeing around the wife.

If meditation works for you but bothers her? Just do it in another room then. Could do moving meditation like yoga, drumming, dance, art or other creative practices etc. Maybe this infographic gives you more ideas. Like volunteering could both reduce your stress, give back to your community, and help you make new friends.

My anxiety kid likes this color hue app.

Could post here to air out, talk to a friend, see your own individual counselor.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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Ductcha said:
So I am stressed over the speed and suddeness, fear that she will enjoy poly while I end up in this strange limbo, and a sense of isolated disrespect.
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The thing with her bringing him to meet the kids when you aren't there, and that's something you guys specifically agreed upon is just a blatant breach of an agreement. That sort of stuff doesn't fly, and "it couldn't be avoided" is bullshit. I could easily be avoided by her meeting the rules that the two of you agreed upon.

The other stuff, her moving more quickly than you because you are a slower burn when it comes to that sort of thing, the "suddenness" of it, that isn't really a problem with her as far as I can tell. People build relationships differently and that is just a reality of allowing each other to build relationships. The struggle is your internal issue and I would advise strongly against lumping that in with actually breach of agreement.

And if you guys have agreements about speed of connection, I would advise looking at those closely and soberly because I don't think they are a good idea. This becomes evident when we see that the difference in your preferred speeds are so vast.

Ductcha said:
I'm wondering if anyone has a stress relief technique which is not outwardly noticeable and doesn't involve deep meditation or heavy breathing as those actions are increasing my wife's stress levels to a point that she is struggling to deal.
Click to expand...

Adjusting your self talk with reason and intellectualization would be my suggestion. The instinct during times of stress can be to catastrophize everything, so using some reductive reasoning to view things in their smallest parts, as opposed to a whole that looks like a nuclear weapon.

Also gearing your self talk toward finding areas to be grateful for will be a huge help. This is mainly an adjustment in your framing of what the situations around you mean, and how you internalize them.

In the end though, it really doesn't sound like you two are on the same page, and you have very different expectations of behavior. This sort of thing can theoretically be worked through, but both parties have to be fully on board with sitting down and having honest conversations that are free of blame and drama. If I'm having this much stress about a partner I'm starting to look at what adjustments I need to make to get myself in a place where I feel like I can flourish. That might be having separate rooms, no longer living together at all, adjusting the way you communicate about your independent dating, dissolving the association altogether, etc.

Life is short, I don't recommend spending it in something that is as comfortable as a POW camp.
 
Well. Time for updates! Firstly I lost the girlfriend. She gave me a second chance. Just wanted to clear that up.

We talked and it really seems she doesn't purposely prevent me from going out. I suggested we try detangling but she is very scared of the idea. Afraid we might lose some of our "closeness" and that it might mean im not available when she needs me for something. Point is your advise helped me to get to a point where we can talk a bit. She promised to try allowing me to be involved in boundary setting. I was able to explain to her, finally, that the guy isn't the problem, it was her dictating the boundaries within our relationship.
She also showed me a tad of respect this morning by giving me a chance to leave the bedroom but at least somewhat on my terms. I feel like she tried to show me respect. It will probably still be...interesting and turbulent, but I'm willing to let her have one last chance to show me equality before I throw in the towel. And she will be considering detangling with her therapist as well.
 
Thanks for clarifying.

We talked and it really seems she doesn't purposely prevent me from going out.
Click to expand...

So go out.

I suggested we try detangling but she is very scared of the idea. Afraid we might lose some of our "closeness" and that it might mean im not available when she needs me for something.
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You don't need her permission to detangle. It doesn't mean you don't care about her at all.

It means you do your emotional management. You expect her to do her emotional management. Recognize that yes, sometimes you are a couple. And at the same time? You are also two individuals.

Not some CoupleBlob joined at the hip all the time.

Now if she likes being a CoupleBlob and you no longer do? There's enmeshment or codependence or things that need to be addressed? Address it.

Point is your advise helped me to get to a point where we can talk a bit. She promised to try allowing me to be involved in boundary setting. I was able to explain to her, finally, that the guy isn't the problem, it was her dictating the boundaries within our relationship.
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I could be wrong, but I think you mean you were allowing her to set all the "rules" for how this relationship goes before. And now you prefer to come to "agreements" together for how this relationship is gonna go.

Not like she is the boss of all.

Your "personal boundaries" have nothing to with her. You don't set those for her. You set your personal boundaries for YOU to help keep you safe.

Here's some of mine:
  • I always put on my seat belt when I drive. (Would keep me safer if I end up in a car accident. I have to obey my own boundary.)

  • I don't loan my things to careless people. (Keeps me safer from NEW shenanigans if the neighbor borrows and ruins my lawn mower, then wants to borrow my snow blower without replacing the first thing. I have to tell him "No. Sorry" and obey my own boundary so I don't end up with broken snow blower too.)

She also showed me a tad of respect this morning by giving me a chance to leave the bedroom but at least somewhat on my terms.
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I don't know what that means. Is this an open relationship now on both sides? And you agreed to a some kind of slow ramp up? Like no just taking off on vacations with a new partner? That might be fair enough for now.

Or do you mean she still calls the shots? And it's gone from (open for just her) to (freely open for her, limited open for you like she has to pick your partners for you)?

DH had an ex like that. She wanted to see other people but he was just supposed to see her. And when he said "No, thanks. I do not agree to that" then she wanted to be the one to pick out his GFs because she wanted to make sure they "would not be serious ones" or something. It was weird. There's a reason why she's an ex.

It will probably still be...interesting and turbulent, but I'm willing to let her have one last chance to show me equality before I throw in the towel. And she will be considering detangling with her therapist as well.
Click to expand...

Know your own limit then. What are the dealbreakers? How will you know when it is time to throw in the towel?

And yes, she can talk to her therapist if she's too enmeshed and needs to detangle some.

Galagirl
 
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So what happened in the past is I would start warming up to someone new. Every single time as I would start to form real Romantic attachments the wife would have some huge emotional disaster, and basically say "I require all of my husband's time and energy for the next several weeks while I am recovering from a break-up" (she has acknowledged that this isn't cool after starting in therapy) but it would come out as "you can't leave! You can't just go"
And yes. I mean rules by boundaries. Apologies for the terminology problem.
Last thing. It is open all around. I told her after we tried her open only (asymmetric poly? Is that a term?) And it doesn't work well for me right now. It is too easy to over-attach and become co dependent that way. Then we all know the pain train that follows with poly and codependency.
And by respect I mean simply I asked to leave, like "would it be ok if you left so he can call" as opposed to "he's calling. Get out".
 
Ductcha said:
Hi. I am having alot of issues, but here I'm hoping for advise on coping mechanisms.
Click to expand...

Ductcha said:
So I am stressed over the speed and suddeness, fear that she will enjoy poly while I end up in this strange limbo, and a sense of isolated disrespect. I'm wondering if anyone has a stress relief technique which is not outwardly noticeable and doesn't involve deep meditation or heavy breathing as those actions are increasing my wife's stress levels to a point that she is struggling to deal.
Click to expand...

WE hear and preach all the time that communication is the key. Part of communication is authentic emotional reactions to what is said and activities around us. I’m not sure why hiding you true thoughts or emotions on this situation specifically feeling disrespected needs to be hidden from the person triggering those thoughts and feeling.

why Is your wife’s stress level more important than yours ???
 
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Ductcha said:
So what happened in the past is I would start warming up to someone new. Every single time as I would start to form real Romantic attachments the wife would have some huge emotional disaster, and basically say "I require all of my husband's time and energy for the next several weeks while I am recovering from a break-up" (she has acknowledged that this isn't cool after starting in therapy) but it would come out as "you can't leave! You can't just go"
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That is overt emotional blackmail, and I hope that you find yourself in a place where you can actually start taking care of yourself and refusing to take part in this kind of horrid association.

There is an episode of Rick and Morty where Jerry and Beth go to marriage counseling (Big Trouble in Little Sanchez), where they use sci-fi hijinks to poke fun at codependent and toxic relationships. It seems relevant.

Ductcha said:
And by respect I mean simply I asked to leave, like "would it be ok if you left so he can call" as opposed to "he's calling. Get out".
Click to expand...

I want you to raise your minimum standards of acceptable behavior. Not just a little, but a whole lot.
 
Ductcha said:
What do you mean?
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When two people go into an open relationship, or any relationship really, some aspects of that relationship are gonna be harder for each of them and some are gonna be easier - you're each going to have different skills and different capabilities. But that doesn't mean that you need to limit yourselves based solely on those capabilities as *people can grow*.

She's bad at dealing with stress now. if she wants this relationship to work, that's something she needs to improve at.
 
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