So what happened in the past is I would start warming up to someone new. Every single time as I would start to form real Romantic attachments the wife would have some huge emotional disaster, and basically say "I require all of my husband's time and energy for the next several weeks while I am recovering from a break-up" (she has acknowledged that this isn't cool after starting in therapy) but it would come out as "you can't leave! You can't just go"
What stops you from saying "I'm sorry you struggle. I have a prior engagement. I'm happy to talk with you when I get back. I honor commitments in the order made" to her?
And then you go. Because
1) You CAN leave. You CAN just go. Your wife is not an infant. How would she be coping with a break up or whatever if she were single?
2) She has a therapist already? She can make a therapist appointment. Sheesh.
3) You have a prior commitment. A break up is not an emergency. It's a bummer, but not an emergency. She is safe. She might not be comfortable, but she is safe at home. And whether you go or not, she's still gonna be sad since it takes her X weeks to get over a break up. That is not your fault nor your other partner's fault.
4) Detangle. You can care about your wife. You cannot do her processing FOR her. Let her do her own emotional management. You can do appropriate level kindness and support and stop being her emotional crutch.
5) If you want an equal relationship, just BE equal then. Do less work. Only do your fair share.
6) Only deal with reasonable and rational requests. This? Making jobs or drama right before you go out just so you don't go out? That is not reasonable.
7) If you have allowed yourself to become too enmeshed here, isolated, not doing balanced living? Return to that.
And by respect I mean simply I asked to leave, like "would it be ok if you left so he can call" as opposed to "he's calling. Get out".
Your wife talks to you like that? "He's calling. Get out" and you are ok with that?
Strongly suggest you both look into non-violent communication. There are several books, but I like this one best.
Because I handle stress exponentially better
So what? Just because you handle stress better doesn't mean you feel like doing it all the time. I thought the original post was to help you think of ways to REDUCE your stress load?
How is wife supposed to learn to handle stress any better if you never let her deal with her own stressful moments? If this is supposed to become more equal? Let her deal with her own stresses.
Dealing with a break up is a reasonable risk of dating. Cuz not everyone one dates is a runner.
She doesn't want to deal in that stress? She could not date then.
Again... work on detangling.
It's like the letter "A." That's like two people holding hands and leaning in. So if one is gone the other collapses.
Be more like the letter "H." That's like two people holding hands and also standing on their own feet. So if one is gone, the other is fine standing on their own feet.