How do i cope with a hyperspeed new partner

[GalaGirl]

So what happened in the past is I would start warming up to someone new. Every single time as I would start to form real Romantic attachments the wife would have some huge emotional disaster, and basically say "I require all of my husband's time and energy for the next several weeks while I am recovering from a break-up" (she has acknowledged that this isn't cool after starting in therapy) but it would come out as "you can't leave! You can't just go"

What stops you from saying "I'm sorry you struggle. I have a prior engagement. I'm happy to talk with you when I get back. I honor commitments in the order made" to her?

And then you go. Because

1) You CAN leave. You CAN just go. Your wife is not an infant. How would she be coping with a break up or whatever if she were single?

2) She has a therapist already? She can make a therapist appointment. Sheesh.

3) You have a prior commitment. A break up is not an emergency. It's a bummer, but not an emergency. She is safe. She might not be comfortable, but she is safe at home. And whether you go or not, she's still gonna be sad since it takes her X weeks to get over a break up. That is not your fault nor your other partner's fault.

4) Detangle. You can care about your wife. You cannot do her processing FOR her. Let her do her own emotional management. You can do appropriate level kindness and support and stop being her emotional crutch.

5) If you want an equal relationship, just BE equal then. Do less work. Only do your fair share.

6) Only deal with reasonable and rational requests. This? Making jobs or drama right before you go out just so you don't go out? That is not reasonable.

7) If you have allowed yourself to become too enmeshed here, isolated, not doing balanced living? Return to that.

And by respect I mean simply I asked to leave, like "would it be ok if you left so he can call" as opposed to "he's calling. Get out".

Your wife talks to you like that? "He's calling. Get out" and you are ok with that?

Strongly suggest you both look into non-violent communication. There are several books, but I like this one best.

Because I handle stress exponentially better

So what? Just because you handle stress better doesn't mean you feel like doing it all the time. I thought the original post was to help you think of ways to REDUCE your stress load?

How is wife supposed to learn to handle stress any better if you never let her deal with her own stressful moments? If this is supposed to become more equal? Let her deal with her own stresses.

Dealing with a break up is a reasonable risk of dating. Cuz not everyone one dates is a runner.

She doesn't want to deal in that stress? She could not date then.

Again... work on detangling.

It's like the letter "A." That's like two people holding hands and leaning in. So if one is gone the other collapses.

Be more like the letter "H." That's like two people holding hands and also standing on their own feet. So if one is gone, the other is fine standing on their own feet.

Galagirl

 

[dingedheart]

Going down this path there are going to be lots of cost / sacrifices one has to make. If one wants cultivate a relationship “ with the one “ who happens to be 150 miles away theres travel time and gas money longer stays because of distance , etc etc etc….cost and considerations. Stress and emotional management as mentioned by icesong and evie is just one more cost or element for her to deal with to get those biweekly hook ups.

 

[Ductcha]

Took your advise. Working on detaching. Working on some corrective thought (admittedly easier said than done.) She is gone for the weekend and I'm planning a hang session with a friend later in the week.
I had a sudden ability to humanize her guy which almost instantly calmed me down. Is that normal?

 

[GalaGirl]

Glad you are going out with a friend later in the week. Returning to a more balanced life and not all in isolation.

I think feelings ensue after action behavior or thinking behavior.

If you were thinking he was a monster? And that thinking behavior got you all anxious and upset?

And now you are thinking more like "Well, he's human. He can be compatible for dating or not compatible for dating, but he's just some other human. And I'm not the one dating him. So I don't have to deal in that." And now you feel more calm?

Yes, that's normal. One feels better if one doesn't go around cranking one's own self up.

Makes sense to me you were more able to relax and calm down. She's gone out before. She comes back. She can figure out how to vet her potentials.

This area of compatibility? You aren't the one dating him. So not your area of concern. You can be appropriate level kind/supportive of her. "Hope you have a nice time. Drive safe. See you later!" and then you detach from it.

Not like you don't care about her at all. But more balanced living -- where things are more equal and less stressful for you because you STOP doing so much extra work. You deal with your stuff. She deals with her stuff. Both do "our shared responsibilities."

But not this any more ---

"I require all of my husband's time and energy for the next several weeks while I am recovering from a break-up."

She might want it. But YOU are in charge of your time management. ALL your time and energy? Is that a reasonable or rational request? No.

You aren't gonna quit your job. Stop seeing your friends. Stop having dinner. Not use the bathroom. Just give up ALL things in your life because she wants ALL your time and energy for the next X weeks?

You can't do her recovery FOR her. Some reasonable time for kindness to a spouse? Ok. But ALL your time? No.

You are not a CoupleBlob.

Galagirl

 

[Ductcha]

So...it's been a while. Detangling is going well. I never did go out though, mainly because of money (gas) and the wife was initially angry...so what I did was go to an old happy spot. She at least got her date (she planned it to happen while I was out) and I did leave the house. We talked about that problem. I explained I couldn't afford to pay for her to continue driving up there two+ times a week, so he has started coming down here some. Sex life is royally destroyed, but that's simply bc she is all nre so by the time we have time, she passes out. Honestly not unexpected nor too rough, though my ego and drive took a hit. I figure that this stuff will have to calm down eventually. In the meantime I'll focus on me, and rediscovering more things about me. Found my writing again, music, my love of fantasy. I have been destroying the local library's reference section...all things I had basically lost while being a "blob".
Truth be told, I couldn't be happier overall. I am finding me again. Trying to rebuild my circle. (Going very poorly but to expect results in days is unrealistic)

Edit: She called me just now, he is starting to worry about me! (He could easily be heard, I pointed it out, but they both seemed to not much mind) He was apparently worried about me getting left behind and dumping my wife. (Becouse she has been gone so much) Just nice to know the guy who knows nothing of poly is like hey! Let's try to remember there are other partners. Increases my hopes for the future.

 

[kdt26417]

Sounds like things are looking up; that is good to hear.

 

[GalaGirl]

I never did go out though, mainly because of money (gas) and the wife was initially angry...so what I did was go to an old happy spot.

Why does she have so much gas money for travel and you don't? What is she mad about?

I explained I couldn't afford to pay for her to continue driving up there two+ times a week, so he has started coming down here some.

If you haven't already? Consider at least three checking accounts. One for the house bills. One for your personal expenses. One for her personal expenses. And either of you dating comes out of your own personal account, not the joint house account.

She can deal with her dating expenses herself. Not your problem. Not your budget or expenses to deal with. And yeah, if she's low? Sometimes that means her other partner comes here or they meet half way or see each other less or whatever. They work that out.

Whoever manages the house money? Just feed the accounts. Over here I manage it. All our stuff goes in main joint, and then we each draw the same "personal allowance" into our personal accts. I finish dispensing into savings and pay the various bills. But me and DH are free to spend our personal allowances however we each want without it messing up the house bills. And if I choose to spend all mine on shopping, and friends, and Starbucks? He doesn't say boo. If he wants to spend all his on music, and video games, and his friends? I don't say boo either.

That too is part of detangling.

Sex life is royally destroyed, but that's simply bc she is all nre so by the time we have time, she passes out. Honestly not unexpected nor too rough, though my ego and drive took a hit. I figure that this stuff will have to calm down eventually.

If she wants to maintain more than one partner? Then yes. NRE will calm down and she figures out her time management to fit all partners.

In the meantime I'll focus on me, and rediscovering more things about me. Found my writing again, music, my love of fantasy. I have been destroying the local library's reference section...all things I had basically lost while being a "blob".
Truth be told, I couldn't be happier overall. I am finding me again. Trying to rebuild my circle. (Going very poorly but to expect results in days is unrealistic)

Glad you are reconnecting with yourself, you past interests, and are working on rebuilding your social circle and keeping realistic expectations. One doesn't rebuild overnight. Glad you are detangling and moving away from being a CoupleBlob all the time so your stress can reduce and things can be more equal.

Edit: She called me just now, he is starting to worry about me! (He could easily be heard, I pointed it out, but they both seemed to not much mind) He was apparently worried about me getting left behind and dumping my wife. (Becouse she has been gone so much) Just nice to know the guy who knows nothing of poly is like hey! Let's try to remember there are other partners. Increases my hopes for the future.

Good that he's trying to be polite/consider others. You could be basic polite back, but not get deeply involved with him.
Because your choices are not really his business. And it's not your job to assuage his worries. You aren't dating him. His worries aren't your area of concern.

If you decide to end it with your wife because she stinks as a hinge? Has poor time management? She has unrealistic expectations? Wants Open for her but not for you? And whatever else? That's between you and wife.

If you get tired of her behavior? You CAN leave. Your consent to participate in things belongs to you. You don't have to put up with anything you don't feel like doing. That's not you "being left behind." It's you not wanting to deal with the stress any more.

Galagirl

 

[Ductcha]

Why does she have so much gas money for travel and you don't? What is she mad about?

She basically failed to consider me. But after I sat her down and explained that the expense she endured was so great I basically was screwed over, she started talking about the splitting travel up and we have discussed the allowance as you suggested. She is slightly uncomfortable with it for now as she isn't working. (Makes her feel juvenile) But she has agreed to discuss these matters more and to revisit issues of allowance in a week or two after we know the results of a few interviews. I consider this acceptable for a week or so while she straightens out.
Plus no one of us is ready for "group time" and she had him come up for the time I was meant to be out. She was just afraid it would prevent her from having the date. Right now, and only for now, while I'm "ripping off the bandage" and forcing myself to deal, I was willing to go out to a nice spot and relax, contemplate.

Good that he's trying to be polite/consider others. You could be basic polite back, but not get deeply involved with him.
Because your choices are not really his business. And it's not your job to assuage his worries. You aren't dating him. His worries aren't your area of concern.

That just proved to me he is aware. Neither of us is ready to be "friends". I figure it isn't worth it. I view his anxiety as his and wife problem. She worries. I offer moral support but I'm limiting there as advised by like half the articles you linked. It's hard but I'm dealing well.
I feel like wife is trying. She is showing empathy. She has a long journey, but so do I. I figure the chips will fall as they may and I'll deal with that if it happens. Right now I'm really trying to focus on me and less on her. I agree that if I decide to leave, that is my choice and others considerations are really irrelevant. I appreciate all of your help. The references and articles have been a miracle. As has been stalking the forums. Having the right tools for a job makes it much easier to do.

 

[GalaGirl]

Is it the word? Could call it "personal checking account" then.

Whether both partners work or one stays at home putting work into managing said home, both spouses could have their own accounts for personal spending. Each of you could have your own money set aside for your individual pursuits.

I don't fine it juvenile to have separate personal accounts to prevent personal overspending in a shared joint acct.

Sharing an account can work for some people if they are neat and good about keeping a check book balance, but a great way to fight and argue about money if they don't balance the checkbook and lose receipts and overspend. Because if everything comes out of the same place, the overspending behavior messes up everyone else on the account and messes up the house bills too.

When you all can open however many bank accounts needed to be better organized... Why fuss? Reduce the stresses.

Galagirl