Rambling?

[evrchanging]

I have only made one post so far, but I've been lurking around. I am a 26-year old woman married to a 55-year old person, Josie, who is transitioning male to female. We have been together 8 years and have 2 children: 2 and 7 years old.

During this last year of transitioning, Josie's libido has just plummeted. We have a friend that we have known for over a year, Jason. We've gotten very close. Roughly 6 months ago, we talked about it, and decided it was okay for me to become sexual with Jason. Josie is my 1st, so Jason is only the second person I have been with.

After smoothing out jealousy, and setting boundaries, all is going great. They are both mono, not wanting anyone else, but they don't mind sharing me. Everyone is good friends, with no weird vibes going on. We help each other out on our farms. Sometimes Josie goes over to Jason's place for a getaway to work on a project or two with him, very nonsexual. We all get together and make dinner together at least 2 times a month. Jason loves playing with the kids, as he never had any.

Josie and I have been 7-year old free for 2 days, but she doesn't want to do anything sexual with me. It hurts that my lover and partner of almost 8 years now is as sexual as a rock. There are so many ways I have tried to get her to be intimate with me. I do not need penetration for a rockin' good time. She is transitioning, so I so respect her space.

I have Jason, whom I see weekly. I sometimes spend the night. Right now, I would like to ring his neck for being such a butt. He is lonely, understandable, but so needy right now it's driving me away. It's so hard to be the spoke in the wheel sometimes. I do love being able to give love and attention to another in need.

I was going to spend the night with Jason last night, but I tapped out. I needed me time.

There is so much I want to talk about and sort through, but I don't have anyone anywhere near my odd situation. Does it even fit in the poly threads?

 

[AutumnalTone]

There is so much I want to talk about and sort through but I don't have anyone anywhere near my odd situation. Does it even fit in the poly threads?

It sure does. Where do you want to start? You can post it in this thread or begin a blog to post it all in.

 

[redpepper]

Part of being a mono in a poly relationship is loneliness. Part of poly is, actually. It sounds like Jason needs to get out and take on hi life. That is not for you to accomplish for tim. All you can do is encourage and not take it on.

Perhaps he should reassess what it means to be monogamous. It doesn't mean sitting at home waiting for your love to come around. Some people think so, but that's programming that might need to be abandoned when in a relationship with someone who is poly.

 

[dingedheart]

Hi. Welcome.

I read your post and I wondered if in these transgender situations, does that person automatically feel bi or gay? Could your wife now identify as hetero? Will she be looking for a man, as well?

I agree with RP that Jason sees this as any other new relationship he has had in the past, and is thinking with the other head, so to speak.

 

[opalescent]

Evrchanging,

You are not the only person on this board with a trans and/or transitioning partner. Magdlyn comes to mind. I would search for her posts and see what comes up. And I'm sure there are others, too. Long story short, your situation is not unheard of round these parts.

I'm sorry your transitioning partner is struggling with a lack of desire/no libido. That is hard on both of you! If you haven't already, search for similar terms on the board. It comes up a fair bit.

I do not want to minimize the specific situation of your wife, but lack of desire is often connected to (in no particular order) 1) stress, 2) medical issues, including medications, 3) physical changes, including hormonal shifts. Your wife is going through all three all at once. There may be something useful in more general advice that you can then adapt.

As for needy guy, yeah, that comes up a lot too. Sometimes in the context of poly/mono relationships, sometimes not. Have you been able to communicate to him how his neediness affects you, how it's driving you away, despite your feelings for him? Holding up a mirror to someone and showing them, lovingly, the effects of their actions is sometimes enough to generate change. Of course, if the neediness is deep seated, internal and not really situational, then what you communicate may not have much immediate impact.

 

[evrchanging]

I wondered if in these transgender situations, does that person automatically feel bisexual or gay? Or could your wife now identify as hetero and will be looking for a man as well?

I agree with RP that Jason sees this as any other new relationship he has had in the past and is thinking with the other head, so to speak.

I think she is more hetero then she wants to admit. I am playfully trying to open that side of her up. I have let her know on more than one occasion that it is okay, and what she does is safely kept quiet with me.

Yes, the other person tends to think with the other head. He can be borderline possessive, which I have nipped in the bud. He also tends to forget how busy I am at home. I am just exhausted most of the time. He does help me out a lot, and is there when I need him, for whatever reason (even babysitting), so there is credit due.

You are not the only person on this board with a trans and/or transitioning partner. Magdlyn comes to mind. I would search for her posts and see what comes up. And I'm sure there are others too. Long story short, your situation is not unheard of, round these parts.

I'm sorry your transitioning partner is struggling with lack of desire/no libido. That is hard on both of you! If you haven't already, search for similar terms on the board. It comes up a fair bit. I do not want to minimize the specific situation of your wife but lack of desire is often connected to (in no particular order) 1) stress, 2) medical issues including medications, 3) physical changes including hormonal shifts. Your wife is going through all three all at once. There may be something useful in more general advice that you can then adapt.

As for needy guy, yeah, that comes up a lot too. Sometimes in the context of poly/mono relationships, sometimes not. Have you been able to communicate to him how his neediness affects you, how it's driving you away, despite your feelings for him? Holding up a mirror to someone and showing them, lovingly, the effects of their actions is sometimes enough to generate change. Of course, if the neediness is deep seated, internal and not really situational, then what you communicate may not have much immediate impact.

Thank you. I will search around the board and see what I can find. I can see that all three are affecting her libido. As for needy guy, well I thought a stick might help. Just kidding kinda, sorta.

It sure does. Where do you want to start? You can post it in this thread or begin a blog to post it all in.

Thanks for the open ears, eyes, and encouragement.

Part of being a mono in a poly relationship is loneliness. Part of poly is actually. It sounds like Jason needs to get out and take on his life. That is not for you to accomplish for him. All you can do is encourage and not take it on.

Perhaps he should reassess what it means to be monogamous. It doesn't mean sitting at home waiting for your love to come around. Some people think so, but that's programming that might need to be abandoned when in a relationship with someone who is poly.

My lover/boyfriend does just sit alone. It's kind of his personality. He does just wait around for my weekly, roughly, love visits. I laughed at that point you brought up because, obvious as it is, I never really put it in that light. I do encourage him to take his stuff on, and do my best not to take it on for him. That’s the hard part. It is where I draw back. I love alone time. Being with two has helped me realize the importance of it.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Part of being a mono in a poly relationship is loneliness.

Perhaps he should reassess what it means to be monogamous. It doesn't mean sitting at home waiting for your love to come around.

I just wanted to comment on the context of the first statement, Lilo. Part of being mono in a poly relationship is being alone. That is much different than loneliness, which is a negative thing. A person who is connected to themselves rarely feels loneliness, even though they can be alone for a long time. Speaking from my own experience, of course.

I think you hit on a great point about some people just waiting for their partners to come around. People need their own interests, for sure.

 

[redpepper]

Jason sees this as any other new relationship he has had in the past and is thinking with the other head, so to speak.

Actually, I didn't really mean it like that, just that when mono people get together they can be known to wait around until they are together before doing things in life. Almost like they think they can't possibly live without the other person being their with them (co-dependent). Like their life being alone ended and now they will sit and wait to do stuff because they have a partner. When they were alone, they got about the business of just living. It shouldn't be like that, I don't think.

Partners are for adding to life, not for completely changing life for. Know what I mean? It sounds like this guy is changing, or has changed his life for you, not healthy, me thinks. He needs to get about living his life and being simply happy that you are there to enjoy time with once a week.

 

[redpepper]

Part of being mono in a poly relationship is being alone. That is much different than loneliness which is a negative thing. A person who is connected to themselves rarely feels loneliness even though they can be alone for a long time. Speaking from my own experience, of course.

I wasn't talking about you. My comments were directed to lots of people who experience the realization that they are sometimes alone in poly relationships, as their partners are out living their lives while they are at home waiting, hence the loneliness. Many mono relationships do not have loneliness in them because they are built on two people who are co-dependent. The point I was trying to make was that in poly relationships people need to transition from loneliness to being alone. Thanks for adding that point. It is about connecting with oneself rather than relying on another. It seems to work best to make yourself your own primary, and everyone else your secondary. Self should always come first, I think.

 

[dingedheart]

I don't want to take a position on the possessive behavior of your bf, but his need for contact may be greater than the once a week visit. His age, activity level and past relationship patterns may play a large role in how he is behaving. Or he could be really, really possessive and immature, hard to say. Has he thought about finding another more primary relationship for himself? Perhaps you might encourage that to take some pressure off. If he spent 2-3 nights a week dating someone else, and once a week with you, there would be no problem.

 

[evrchanging]

It seems to work best to make yourself your primary and everyone else your secondary.

I really like this.

 

[evrchanging]

I don't want to take a position on the possessive behavior of your bf, but his need for contact may be greater than the once a week visit. His age, activity level, and past relationship patterns may play a large role in how he is behaving. Or he could be really, really possessive and immature, hard to say. If he spent 2-3 nights a week dating someone else once a week with you , there would be no problem.

It would be the first situation. His need for contact is greater. I spent the night with him last night and I could really tell he just needed the contact with me. I have tried to get him to open up for another relationship, but he is 100% not going to "cheat on me". I think that is mainly because he REALLY likes me, and doesn't want to jeopardize it (which I highly doubt would happen). Some of the home-front pressure is off me now that the garden is in, and I may be able to spend 2-3 days with him, off and on throughout the week.

 

[dingedheart]

I wanted to make an additional point yesterday but my phone kept ringing with another fire to put out. I was surprised that no one suggested he maybe suffering the effects of NRE. With your workload, family responsibilities and new relationship dynamic with your partner's transition, your relationship with him may look in your eyes more like of a fwb or fuck buddy. He may have developed greater feelings and is suffering from NRE. If that's the case, once a week visits may feel like an eternity the other 6 days. There are lots of NRE experts here. They can help with that.

If you think he may be suffering a higher level of NRE than the relationship warrants, from your perspective, you should explain/define the relationship, and its direction, as you see it. That could throw some cold water on that possessiveness.

 

[evrchanging]

I would love some NRE advice. New relationship energy? I know he has a lot of it (I do too), even though he proudly states he is my "Sex Toy", and wants to believe that is as far as he has taken it.

Also, I have slight twinges of guilt that what I am doing is wrong. Everything is fine, but mono is all one is taught.

I love how everything is going, but I worry on occasion. I have two hearts in my hand and that is a big responsibility.