Re-entering the poly world with an ex


New member
Oh boy, I'm in an interesting situation. I will try and keep it short but keep context.

I have an ex who I dated for 3 years, in a monogamous relationship. The relationship was overall really good. We never had bad fights. We communicated really well in the beginning but things started to falter in the last year. He broke it off. I was really torn up about it, but it wasn't a surprise to me when it happened. We both needed to work on our own stuff, and being together was inhibiting growth.

We stopped talking for about 3 months entirely. After that, we visited the idea of becoming friends. I still really valued having him in my life. We also have a lot of hobbies that overlap and communities where it can be hard to avoid each other.

Fast forward to present day. We had been doing a really good job being friends. We started to get a bit comfortable, going out to a movie or having dinner at their house... and eventually maybe exchanging a hug that lasted a little too long.

As soon as I felt the change, I brought it up, and revaluated whether we could still be friends. And if we wanted to. I realized that I wanted more, and wanted to try this again.

The kicker here is that he has started dating and is currently in a poly relationship with someone. I have been dating too, dipping my toes back into that world. I haven't been navigating it well and shifted focus to therapy and my personal goals instead. I had been in a triad and was curious about re-entering the poly world.

We got together and talked it out... I shared how I felt and that I would like to be romantic again. He was open with me about being in a poly relationship with someone. I honestly was really excited to hear about it. I kept thinking how funny it was that we weren't poly in our own relationship, as we both gravitated in that direction. I guess I didn't think it was possible for us back then.

Now I'm here with an other opportunity to be connected to someone I deeply care about in a new way.. I impulsively kissed him and things kind of accelerated from there and we hooked up. I'm feeling a bit guilty for going so fast but I don't regret it. I know there's real work for us to do to understand why our past relationship didn't work and I'm willing and wanting to ensure those cycles are nipped in the bud.

I know I jumped in head first 🙈 and we should've slowed down and included his new partner in the discussion before skipping steps. I'm not aware of their arrangements and was just elated to reconnect with someone I really care about. I'm being mindful now and doing the responsible things (albeit out of order), like sharing STD tests and figuring out my own boundaries and how not to break them as I have done in the past. I'm a lot more grounded and regulated in my life now than I was before and have been really working on communication and understanding myself.

I'm hoping I didn't cause too much drama with his current partner. This is all so fresh and I think I just needed to lay it out there. I understand that I didn't go about it in the best way and I'm trying to learn to slow down and correct the behavior for the future. I'm not sure what I'm looking for here. Words of encouragement? Advice for moving forward?

I've already been reading all the poly books with a friend, as she's been dipping her toes into the world, as well. I'm trying to be informed and make sure I'm putting the effort in to make this work.
I'm hoping I didn't cause too much drama with his current partner.
That is a fair concern... but I might argue that's really his problem to deal with, not yours. :)

Perhaps you've been a bit impulsive, but it sounds like you're happy to have found a new way to connect with your ex. You can always go forward with them more slowly if that's what feels right to you (how you started doesn't have to be how you go on).

Congrats and good luck!
Hello sylvie,

Although it's good to take it slow, I do think you and your ex are made for each other in this poly world. You just need to make sure everyone involved (e.g. his poly partner) knows about it, and consents to it. Good luck!

Kevin T.
How exciting! I have a few former lovers that I wouldn't mind connecting with again...and a few potentials that didn't come at the right time or place that I would give another go. (I wouldn't call them "ex"s because we didn't break-up, we just ... didn't go on.)

I do think that it good to, retroactively now, revisit missed steps - lab screenings, discussion of how each of you approaches polyamory, sharing agreements made with other partners, etc. But, ultimately, HE is the one responsible for his other relationships, and if HE jumped the gun then that is HIS responsibility to sort out - both with her, and with you. Since you are a thoughtful, considerate person it is natural for you to consider effects of your actions on metamours and confirm that the overall network is consensual and ethical for involved parties. (I am not always a thoughtful, considerate person...but I am trying to "Fake it, 'til I make it." :cool:)

Update: We are dating now!

Understandably, his metamour isn't happy with the situation, mostly because of a lack of communication on his part about how close we were getting, keeping her in the loop about what was happening. She was a bit blindsided, and that sucks.

A learning experience and opportunities for growth. 😅 New agreements and clarity to be made with their partnership. I feel bad. But I know it's not my relationship to manage... Some repair needs to happen, and that means some extra time may need to be allocated. I'm totally ok with that, considering the decision to slow down.

The next part is looping my therapist into what has been going on. 😵‍💫

Navigating this requires a lot of self discovery. I'm excited to venture into this new kind of relationship with him.

Thank you all for your kind words and support!
His metamour isn't happy? Do you mean your metamour/his partner? Or are there other people in the polycule?
Hi sylvie,

Thanks for updating us. I am excited for you that you are dating your ex, even though it sounds like ex's other partner (your metamour) doesn't like it. Your ex should have been more transparent and forthright with his other partner from the beginning. He has made the mess, and it's his job to clean it up.

Wishing you well going forward,
Kevin T.