Really could do with some advice. Wife just dropped the poly bomb.

[Rigger]

Thanks for taking the time to read this and give advice.

First the story. My wife and I have been together for about 11 years. Completely mono for the first 10 then dipped our toes unsuccessfully in the swinging pool. Swinging just created drama between us as the rules were fuzzy and to be honest my emotions got the better of me. We both stopped about 5 months ago.

After a camping trip on the weekend with my best mate. She told me that she had a chat to him while I wasn't there and discussed the possibility of starting a relationship. Apparently they were both keen to give it a go.

I'm having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that this is what my wife wants and I do not. She has explained that it has nothing to do with our existing sex life nor my ability to love her. Believe it or not I do understand that. That's not what I'm struggling with.

It's hard for me to describe but i am really funding it hard to let go. I love my wife so much and just want her to be happy. That's all I have ever wanted. But when asked if this was alright with me I could not say yes. It just doesn't sit right with me.

I am asking how to deal with these emotions as I need her to be happy and have a underlying fear that If she doesn't do this because of me then she will resent me for the rest of our lives. An equal fear us that If she does, I will not be able to provide her with the same level of emotional support she has become used to in the past.

I feel selfish for even saying that but it's true. I worry that I will not be able to follow through with her new life style and end up leaving her. That's the last thing I want. But would prefer to see her happy then stand in her way pulling her down.

Advice from mono and poly would be appreciated. I'm just so lost right now.

 

[Tinwen]

The answer is, take some time. Hopefully your wife's jump into poly can wait a few more months.

Take time to explore these emotions. Introspect, journal - writing helps a lot.
Get clear about what's important for you in relationships.
Take time to discuss both of your emotional standpoints with your wife. Do some reading about polyamory and think about the practicalities. Don't go blindly without relevant information.

Speak to a therapist (individual or couples) if needed.

It seems you're leaning to say no. There's nothing selfish about not wanting a poly relationship. Poly is a major change which can't really be taken back. You should not be pushing yourself too hard to "get ok" with it, otherwise you could be the one who gets resentful.

Try getting on the same page with your wife. To me it seems important to arrive at a decision - to open, to stay closed, or to part ways - which is a joint one, which both identify with at this point.

 

[powerpuffgrl1969]

Even IF you decide that you can try to give poly a go, you do NOT have to agree that her relationship be with your "best friend." I put that in quotations, because I'm not sure how much of a friend he is if he is willing to go behind your back to discuss having a relationship with your wife.

Many, but by no means all, poly people have what is called a "messy list;" relatives, bosses, teachers, and friends. If they start a relationship and you find that you do not want this in the end, you may have lost your wife AND friend.

If your wife will not agree that the best friend may be off limits, then I think that says a lot about her. It's not all about what she wants; you have to take into account what YOU want as well. There is nothing wrong with preferring monogamy.

Best of luck!

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

She told me that she had a chat to him while I wasn't there and discussed the possibility of starting a relationship. Apparently they were both keen to give it a go.

Why is she feeling out potentials before the marriage is Open? Does that break current marriage agreements? If so, that could be part of why you feel yucky/it doesn't sit right.

If the friend is going along with it, rather than going "Whoa. Wait. Have you run this by Rigger? I'm not gonna help you cheat on my friend." I wonder about the friend too.

I need her to be happy and have a underlying fear that If she doesn't do this because of me then she will resent me for the rest of our lives.

The other way it could go is she's not happy and she breaks up with you. No need to resent. She simply moves on.

I don't say this to be mean. I say this to point out that some of what you feel right now? Isn't logical. And that's ok. Let the whirlwind of feelings be felt, but don't latch on to any particular one. Notice them and then let them pass by.

If you are latching on to each one like "OMG, what if this one?!" and then another "OMG! What if this one!?" you aren't letting yourself come to a calmer space. You keep cranking your own self up.

An equal fear us that If she does, I will not be able to provide her with the same level of emotional support she has become used to in the past.

And that is ok. It would be a "price of admission" she would have to deal with. When a relationship model changes, it changes things.

I worry that I will not be able to follow through with her new life style and end up leaving her.

And that is another possible outcome. It hasn't happened yet, but it's ok to think about saying "No, thank you. I love you a lot. But not even for you will I do stuff I don't want" if it just doesn't appeal at the start.

If you don't know if you can and you think you are willing to try? And later find out "actually, not for me" -- that is also ok. It's ok to bow out.

You JUST heard this news. Spend some time doing self care. Let some of this "whirlwind of feelings" dissipate some.

Then list to yourself what you are and are not up for.

If the swinging thing went so badly that you aren't even up for dealing with a poly thing? BE HONEST FROM THE START.

Then let the chips fall where they may. If you guys have to part ways so she is free TO pursue poly things she wants and you can be be FROM poly things you do not want, so be it.

I think the goal could be "the health and well-being of the people." Not "saving the married relationship." It's ok for the relationship shape to change from "married people" to "good exes and friends" if that is what is healthiest for both.

Sometimes people come on here wanting to do poly even though their heart isn't in it to "save the relationship" which is really "avoid a break up." They don't want to deal with break up sad. But then they get upset or resentful poly-shipping because they really don't want to be doing that.

So instead of one load of yuck (sad) they end up with two loads (sad + upset/resent) or maybe three (sad + upset/resent + kicking myself for going along with something my heart is not in.)

Not all things in life are "win or lose" kind of choices. Some are "This stinks, that stinks, so which stinks least?"

If you have something like that on your hands? Go for single loads, not double or triple.

But first... take a time out. Breathe. Do some self care. You don't have to have your decisions about this sorted out TODAY.

Galagirl

 

[lunabunny]

I agree with the other posters, above. Especially with what powerpuffgrl said about the "messy person list".

Surely a best friend is on that list, if not totally off limits. The fact that they have already discussed a potential relationship BEFORE your wife clued YOU in about it is probably a red flag.

Ask your wife, yourself, (and your friend) some questions:

- Have they fallen for each other already? (If not, there seems no reason your wife needs to be with THIS particular person sexually, except as a matter of convenience or familiarity.)

- If that ends up being the case, and they already have developed feelings for each other beyond sexual desire/lust, they how are you all going to deal with this? Can you see any possibility of one day becoming, if not happy or 100% comfortable about the situation, at least accepting of it without living in a constant turmoil of jealousy or pain?

- Is it "just" sexual variety your wife seeks, or does she believe she is truly polyamorous (i.e. has the capacity and desire to fully love more than one partner).

- What about YOU? You put a halt to swinging, but do you miss being with others and can you see yourself wanting that again in the future? If so, it might be worth working through these issues with your wife now, rather than saying "no" or leaving her because of this current difficult situation.

- What about your friend - does HE already have a partner? Does the partner or partners know he's considering becoming involved with your wife? How is all that supposed to work if he's not already openly non monogamous?

**********

Like the others said, you are not OBLIGATED to accept a non monogamous relationship with your wife, simply because she wants to open up. Of course, you can't force her to remain monogamous either. But you could choose to see this as an unbridgeable incompatibility and agree to part ways amicably.

I can see why, under the circumstances, you would not be eager to do this, as it may mean losing both your wife AND your best friend. I'd advise you to communicate, discuss, think, read, and perhaps seek counselling before making any hasty decisions.

 

[Rigger]

Even IF you decide that you can try to give poly a go, you do NOT have to agree that her relationship be with your "best friend." I put that in quotations, because I'm not sure how much of a friend he is if he is willing to go behind your back to discuss having a relationship with your wife.

Many, but by no means all, poly people have what is called a "messy list;" relatives, bosses, teachers, and friends. If they start a relationship and you find that you do not want this in the end, you may have lost your wife AND friend.

Firstly thank you for your response. I had never heard of a messy lost before. Still confused though. I've known this guy for years. And he is one of the best blokes I know. Back when we tried swinging my wife had a couple of hookups and it freaked me out because I didn't know what the bloke was like. Ie. Is he a asshole? Will he treat her right?

Atleast with my best mate I know he will treat her as I would. And that's a big thing for me.

My wife has always been quiet flirty towards him (all in good fun) and this has been totally fine with me. On occasions I have actually hinted to him that we were swingers but never actually confessed. So apparently when I left on the weekend he asked my wife what's the go with us are we swingers. She basicly said yes and it went from there.

I told no anger toward my friend or wife. And my wife is actually feeling shameful at the moment because she thought I would be alright about it. That's not what I want at all. I never want her to feel shame for the way she feels. I love her too much.

 

[Rigger]

- Have they fallen for each other already? (If not, there seems no reason your wife needs to be with THIS particular person sexually, except as a matter of convenience or familiarity.)

- If that ends up being the case, and they already have developed feelings for each other beyond sexual desire/lust, they how are you all going to deal with this? Can you see any possibility of one day becoming, if not happy or 100% comfortable about the situation, at least accepting of it without living in a constant turmoil of jealousy or pain?

- Is it "just" sexual variety your wife seeks, or does she believe she is truly polyamorous (i.e. has the capacity and desire to fully love more than one partner).

- What about YOU? You put a halt to swinging, but do you miss being with others and can you see yourself wanting that again in the future? If so, it might be worth working through these issues with your wife now, rather than saying "no" or leaving her because of this current difficult situation.

I thank you for your well worded response. This is exactly the dialog I need.

I did ask my wife if she had feelings for my mate and she said he has always been a close friend. As for him I can not say. He has been single for a long time and I know he does find my wife very attractive, which she is.

If they do develop into a relationship beyond sexual gratification I won't know how I will handle that. I think part of me will die for ever but the other part of me will be happy that my wife is happy. After all. That's what i truly want. As for living with the pain I still don't know if that's possible. Depends on the pain at the time. Maybe not. I don't want a diverse as I have kids too. The thought of loosing my family is totally unbearable. I want my kids to have a great life and be with their mum and dad till they are ready to move on themselves. And the thought of loosing my wife is equally saddening. I have been with her for half my life. She is not o my my wife but an extension of my soul. Loosing her would damn near kill me.


Asked her if she is poly or just wants sexual partners and she said she's not sure. Can't think clearly because my emotional state is blocking her ability to think about it. Again not what I want. I want her to be free to make a desision based on what she wants and needs in life. Not how I will feel about it.

I put a July to swinging because it just didn't feel right. The emotions I was experiencing were hurtful and dragging me down. My wife stopped first because she saw how it was hurting me so we both stopped. To be honest I actually thought that was the end of it. Kinda like a "oh well we tried that. Was not our thing. Back to eachother"

I just want her to be happy and free. I liken my wife to a beautiful beautiful rare bird. I feel like I am caging her up while really she should be free to fly at great heights. Letting others experience her beauty. But to see her fly away would be so sad.

 

[powerpuffgrl1969]

I believe you are making the mistake of thinking that your wants and needs are somehow secondary to your wife's. Don't be a martyr; what do YOU want?

A divorce won't kill you. It really, really won't. Saying staying together so that the kids are raised with their mother and father holds no water, not if one or both of you is miserable. I have a blended family, and I guarantee you that our children would have been far MORE unhappy if their parents of origin had stayed together.

There are countless instances just on this site of the mono partner trying to hold the marriage together in the face of somewhat coerced poly, in spite of the pain it causes. Your are responsible for YOUR happiness, and your wife is responsible for HERS.

Poly/Mono relationships CAN work, but only if there is the desire for it by all involved.

 

[GalaGirl]

I could be wrong. But you sound like you are in the habit of subsuming yourself to the relationship. If so? I don't think that's a healthy way of going.

If they do develop into a relationship beyond sexual gratification I won't know how I will handle that. I think part of me will die for ever but the other part of me will be happy that my wife is happy. After all. That's what i truly want.

I get wanting your partner to be happy. But not at the cost of you being miserable, right? Do you not want to be happy yourself?

Selflessness is not a virtue. If you put others first all the time and don't get around to attending to yourself? It is self neglect.

You could meet your own needs first. Not like in a selfish "memememe" way. But in a self care way. Then once that is done...THEN you can contribute to her well being as a gift. You can function from a full tank of gas, not burning out or being sucked dry.

You could ask yourself things like "Is being in a poly thing with my wife and friend what I want for my happiness? Is that honoring my own preferences? Is that taking good care of me?"

As for living with the pain I still don't know if that's possible. Depends on the pain at the time. Maybe not.

What pain are you currently living with or contemplating living with?

Why would you opt to take on pain rather than strive to be as pain free as possible?

I don't want a diverse as I have kids too. The thought of loosing my family is totally unbearable. I want my kids to have a great life and be with their mum and dad till they are ready to move on themselves.

This is possible with divorced parents. Getting a divorce means the parents are not married to each other any more. It does not mean the family ends, or that you both stop being co-parents. You can still do family things together and attend children functions and whatnot.

And the thought of loosing my wife is equally saddening. I have been with her for half my life. She is not o my my wife but an extension of my soul. Loosing her would damn near kill me.

Why this level of enmeshment with your wife? When does she get to be her own person? And when you get to be your own person? Do you find that a healthy way of going?

I want her to be free to make a desision based on what she wants and needs in life. Not how I will feel about it.

And does this apply to you too?

Where you are free to make a decision based on what you want and need in life? Not how she will feel about it?

I put a July to swinging because it just didn't feel right. The emotions I was experiencing were hurtful and dragging me down. My wife stopped first because she saw how it was hurting me so we both stopped. To be honest I actually thought that was the end of it. Kinda like a "oh well we tried that. Was not our thing. Back to eachother"

Well, if that is what you want? No Open things? Just Closed relationshipping?

SAY SO. Be honest and direct with your wife.

I just want her to be happy and free. I liken my wife to a beautiful beautiful rare bird. I feel like I am caging her up while really she should be free to fly at great heights.

So... if you want Closed, and she wants poly? Free the bird. Part ways amicably and work on being good exes and friends.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Rigger,

It sounds to me like breaking up with your wife is just an awful thing for you to think about. Going back to your bird analogy, you cage the beautiful bird because you don't want to lose her. You're afraid that if you set the bird free, she will fly away and never come back. The thought of this is absolutely unbearable. Yet that is exactly what comes to your mind when you think about polyamory. Polyamory may be the absolute deal breaker to your marriage. It may be the one thing on which the two of you are absolutely incompatible. Unless you find a way to be okay with poly, that is.

It may help if you visit the More than Two website. It has many useful articles about what poly is, and about how to deal with the various issues that poly raises. You can also continue to read and post in this thread; as you do, and your situation evolves, people will be able to give you further advice. Explore this forum in general, there is lots to learn about. To some degree, the fear of poly is the fear of the unknown. As you come to learn more of poly, it may become more familiar to you, and that may help.

I'm sorry that you are caught in a difficult situation right now. I hope that you and your wife will be able to work things out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

You said, "In swinging the rules were fuzzy and it created drama." Also, seeing your wife with other men made you nervous because you thought she might get hurt. Emotionally or physically, I am not sure.

So now, the "rules are still fuzzy." You've both "hinted" to your best mate that wife and you were or are swingers. He is confused.

Your wife opened up to him when your back was turned. "Yes, we were or are swingers." Then despite supposedly no longer being a swinger (as you and sh had agreed?), she let him think she was open to a romantic or sexual relationship, right here right now! And your lonely single horny mate was all, Yeah baby! Let's do this thing!

It sounds like you're so afraid of losing her, you're not nailing here down to clear rules or boundaries. She wanted swinging, you both tried it, it made you uncomfortable, you both ended it. Or did you both end it? Why does she now think it's ok to fuck your best friend?

And what about this so-called friend of yours? We have an expression in the States, bros before hoes. Spoken less grossly, "The feelings of my male best friend come before how we operate with women. I don't fuck my best male friend's gf/wife."

It sounds to me like you might be co-dependent. You're desperately in love with a woman who can do about anything she wants with no fear of losing you. There are "fuzzy rules" all over the place. One of the rules seems to be, Wife can do almost anything she wants, and you'll accept it, because you can't live without her, no matter how badly she treats you.

Your wife can't just move from "swinging," ie: fucking random guys with whom she has no emotional ties, to "polyamory," ie: making moves on your best friend, for sex or an actual bf/gf thing, without clearing it with you first!

This is just very rude behavior. And it's not polyamory. Poly is having a relationship with more than one, with the knowledge and consent of all parties. It is NOT, make sex moves on my husband's best friend when my husband's back is turned. That is just cheating and calling it polyamory. No wonder you're hurt and frightened.

 

[sexyserb]

You said, "In swinging the rules were fuzzy and it created drama." Also, seeing your wife with other men made you nervous because you thought she might get hurt. Emotionally or physically, I am not sure.

So now, the "rules are still fuzzy." You've both "hinted" to your best mate that wife and you were or are swingers. He is confused.

Your wife opened up to him when your back was turned. "Yes, we were or are swingers." Then despite supposedly no longer being a swinger (as you and sh had agreed?), she let him think she was open to a romantic or sexual relationship, right here right now! And your lonely single horny mate was all, Yeah baby! Let's do this thing!

It sounds like you're so afraid of losing her, you're not nailing here down to clear rules or boundaries. She wanted swinging, you both tried it, it made you uncomfortable, you both ended it. Or did you both end it? Why does she now think it's ok to fuck your best friend?

And what about this so-called friend of yours? We have an expression in the States, bros before hoes. Spoken less grossly, "The feelings of my male best friend come before how we operate with women. I don't fuck my best male friend's gf/wife."

It sounds to me like you might be co-dependent. You're desperately in love with a woman who can do about anything she wants with no fear of losing you. There are "fuzzy rules" all over the place. One of the rules seems to be, Wife can do almost anything she wants, and you'll accept it, because you can't live without her, no matter how badly she treats you.

Your wife can't just move from "swinging," ie: fucking random guys with whom she has no emotional ties, to "polyamory," ie: making moves on your best friend, for sex or an actual bf/gf thing, without clearing it with you first!

This is just very rude behavior. And it's not polyamory. Poly is having a relationship with more than one, with the knowledge and consent of all parties. It is NOT, make sex moves on my husband's best friend when my husband's back is turned. That is just cheating and calling it polyamory. No wonder you're hurt and frightened.

The above pretty much says it all. You ought to reread that a few times. It appears, and this is a guess, that the ending of the swinging was your idea. But the bigger problem here is that you seem to be compelled to do whatever she says she wants to do and for some reason have basically given her all decision making over your life.

So now she “does not know what she wants to do?” Translation for that is you stay in limbo and when she will decide she snaps her fingers and you say OK.

This thing with you best mate is more than bizarre. Best mates do not discuss fucking your wife behind your back and then tell you about it, and it is even more bizarre that you seem fine with this because he is single and horny. If you are not careful he will be living with your wife, but will he still be your best friend.???

It’s your call what to do, but this is not a healthy dynamic going on here