Reconnecting with primary after new partner?

S

Sabriana

New member
My husband Kurt had sex with his new partner, Dora, last night. I didn't ask for details about their interaction and I don't want any.

I had intimacy not resulting in sex with my new partner Colby (Dora's husband) last night. I am feeling an incredible amount of closeness to him afterwards. I feel his skin against mine every time I close my eyes... I feel his lips on my shoulder, my breasts, my leg... every time I brush against something or the air hits me. I'm pretty much on Cloud 9 about it.

The problem I'm having now, is that I feel kind of... distanced? from Kurt. He wants to reconnect after last night, and I just don't want him touching me. I want my new guy to touch me. Obviously I can't say that to Kurt, because it would hurt him, but I don't want it. I don't want to kiss, to hug, to be touched by his hands... I'm hoping that this feeling will fade in a day or two, or that I'll find a way to understand it.

Has anyone else experienced this? I feel a lot of guilt about feeling this way, but it's how I feel.

Kurt and I have not always been on the best terms regarding poly. I had a boyfriend before, and Kurt was hurt by the amount that I loved him. He never told me until the very end. I left my love for Kurt's comfort (among other more logical and very valid reasons) a year ago. Then he had someone, and during their relationship he lied to me, and broke agreed-upon boundaries over the remaining year on at least 3 occasions.

I'm confused. Not sure why I feel this detachment. Is it because I feel this overwhelming new attachment to Colby? Or is it because of Kurt being with another woman after he hurt me so much with the last one? I just don't know. :(

**edit** Sorry, I just wanted to apologize for not introducing myself before making this, my first post. I have not posted here before, but was desperate to find feedback from people who might understand and yet wouldn't be read by others in my circle.
 
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Validity!

You were hurt, and healing that injustice is hard. As much as people think they can move on, it doesn't always happen. Also, do u think that knowing Kurt's had intercourse relations with another woman while you refrained from intercourse with Colby could be adding a hint of jealousy? Are you thinking you should have just gone all the way? It's normal. Those are called human feelings! Everyone is conflicted with strong emotional attachments to new and exciting avenues!

Fear not! You are not alone. And no, I don't mean the aliens are coming. :p
 
Malfunktions, thank you for responding. Things with Colby and me are just kind of progressing at a slower rate. The first time we split off for separate dates with each other's spouses, he and I drove around for 5 hours, way into the early morning, and did nothing more than talk, which was amazing, because it's hard for me to feel that comfortable with someone. We just had 2 quick kisses.

That same night, they'd stripped completely naked, grinded all over each other, and both got off twice. They did everything they could, short of switch body fluids or have sex. It would have been easier for them if I'd had sex with Colby, maybe easier for me and Kurt, but not easier for my new relationship (if that makes sense) because it wasn't right. I spent the first hour just awed and amazed at how good his skin felt and how he looked without a shirt on. :) I savored every experience and every moment and we just were in a better spot only doing those things.

So more of a conundrum, but not one I know that I would have changed just to make things better in another relationship, at the risk of cheapening the amazing experience and resulting connection itself.
 
Welcome to the forums. Sorry you're a little confused and guilty. Part of what you're dealing with is NRE (New Relationship Energy) with your new partner. The NRE makes you bond with your new partner and that can make you feel as if he and he alone is the one for you, and can make you blind to the needs of your primary. That's why you see a lot of advice to people in the grips of NRE to make a conscious choice to make sure they are at least giving their primary some of that energy.

Your situation is more complicated because of the hurt involved. Your primary lied and crossed boundaries. Is it possible that you need to slow down on the polyamory until these hurts are better healed? Have you and your primary worked on these issues and worked to improve the openness and honesty between you?
 
Welcome.

It could be both. Kurt hurt you and you lost your trust. Of course you feel disconnected and insecure around him. You definitely need to work on this and tell him what is going on right now.

And you are totally lost in NRE with Colby That's normal, as well. In addition to this emotional state, Colby hasn't hurt you yet (I guess) and it's just all new and shiny. It's impossible that you won't see him in a brighter light than your husband.

I would regard those two relationships separately. The relationship with Kurt needs work! Do the work and try to reconnect. But for this to happen he has to earn your trust first.

The relationship with your new partner is just that: new. Start slowly, see where it goes, try to not compare him to your marriage, and try not to think of the new relationship of your husband's too much. That's no game score the both of you need to achieve and settle. Take your time and try to solve each matter in the given context.

Good luck. :)
 
Hi and welcome,

Why is it obvious that you can't tell Kurt that right this minute you don't want his touch, and that you want Colby's touch? Maybe Kurt feels the same way, and won't be particularity hurt or upset. AND it's the truth. Honesty is a critical component in poly relationships, no matter how painful some things are to hear. Wouldn't you want to know if Kurt were forcing himself to be intimate with you, doing mind tricks to be able to perform?
 
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learninginTN, we should have worked through this before moving forward. We had actually decided to focus on us instead of outside relationships this year, after having had to ask our third to move out in a really unpleasant situation. We'd decided to just have fun together.

So Kurt set up a double date for us with a friend and her husband. "Hey Sabriana, we never hang out with other couples. Why don't we ask Dora and Kurt if they will go have dinner with us?" Somehow, within a matter of days of that discussion, Kurt fell for Dora, and she fell for him. They'd been talking for months already, but I had thought it was platonic.

Also, Kurt had apparently liked me for quite some time, which I hadn't been aware of.

I wasn't prepared for this, but I like them and was hoping to make it work. At first I felt like being with Kurt was like a... "have to"? because my husband and his wife were together, and I was pretty resentful of that. But the more I talk to him, the more I like him for him, and in spite of the situation, not because of it. I really never expected to have "NRE" issues with Kurt, because we've both gone really slow as far as dating without much intimacy, prior to last night.

I guess I just don't know how to tell my husband that I don't want him right now. I don't think it's just because I had a good night with
Colby, as much as the fact that Kurt was with someone else, and I've withdrawn from him about it. I was afraid that I would not be able to handle it, that I'd have some severe emotional response and want to pummel him or something.

Not that I'd actually do that, I just figured that amount of anger.

I thought I'd call an end to the whole thing if I couldn't handle it. But I don't feel that way. I feel almost... numb to them being together. Not happy about it, not sad about it. Just separated from it. The only thing I feel like I need a break from is the unwanted attention of my husband.
 
Is your husband aware of the forum or your involvement here?

Why not invite him to read this thread?

Also, there are several threads written about this reaction of not wanting to be sexual with a spouse after the intro of a new partner. I'm not sure how you'd find them, but they're out there. And you're not alone.

I would warn against doing things out of obligation, or as some here have suggested, fake it til you make it. Unless you're exceptional at faking it, that could create its own negative spiral.
 
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I guess I could have just searched the past threads instead of looking for a personal take on things. I hope that was not out of line. I looked, but I did not look really hard, because I was trying to understand it myself.

My husband is not on this forum at all, that I'm aware of. I talked to him last night about this whole thread and my feelings. I told him that I feel very distant from him, that I didn't want him to kiss me, or touch me. But I asked him to do those things with me last night anyway, thinking that I could just move through it and the distance would dissipate. Instead, he touched me sexually and I just (completely unexpectedly) burst into tears. I had been so busy trying to be "ok" with things, that I hadn't even figured out what I was feeling to begin with.

So much for being good about "faking it," huh? I was totally in shock. I cried, and we talked and talked. And then we had sex. I had an orgasm, and yup, cried again. I am someone who very seldom cries, so the whole thing took me immensely by surprise.

I'm still feeling a little less good about being with him than I wish I did, but better overall. It ended up not being about Colby at all, but about Kurt being with someone again after he hurt me. The second he touched me I had a flash of him with Dora and it hurt... way more than I could have ever anticipated (and I've been poly with him before this).

I wish I was over him hurting me already. It's getting old, even for me.
 
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Hi, Sabriana. I just wanted to add a little to your thread, if you wanted to read it. A few things struck me:

You both slept with a new partner, for the first time, on the same night? Presumably a scheduling thing, or with the idea that it would be easier to cope with jealousy if you were both distracted in your own NRE?

I think that can be a good tactic. But it can have pitfalls. Not only do you have to deal with your own Cloud-9 buzz, and coming back down to earth, back to your established relationship, you also have to deal with subconscious or very obvious stress about Kurt's poly event. That's two different kinds of emotions swimming around inside you.

I think it can work very well to arrange dates on the same night, but it helps if you do that when you are in a position to be ready to re-bond afterwards. Otherwise, you may enter a pattern of increased bonding with the new partner and negative bonding with your existing partner.

I think maybe there are a few issues to break down here:

Touching Boundaries

Everyone is different.

After being on a date myself, I want to connect to my primary girlfriend by chatting, hanging out, holding each other, kissing, sex... whichever of these feels good. Not always sex. Not often, actually.

After my girlfriend has been on a date, I often want to close up. I definitely hate the thought of having sex with her. Sometimes, I avoid interaction with her, because she can carry a lot of visible arousal and excitement that scratches at my insecurity triggers. I'd often rather wait until the following day. That's just how I am.

Her husband, on the other hand, always wants to have sex with her after she's been out with someone else. Especially if she's had sex with them. Sometimes, my girlfriend likes this too. Sometimes, my girlfriend really doesn't want this.

In time, I'm sure you will figure out what you want in regards to touching.

Attraction

The other obvious element here is:

Are you still attracted to your husband? Are you still in love with him? Do you still enjoy sex with him?

If so, your reaction is likely to be down to the point above (touching/personal space/Cloud 9 private time) - OR - the point below.

If the answer is 'no,' obviously there might be something here you need to look at. For example, that you are actually preferring your new guy to your husband, for whatever reason, that you will either want to work towards re-balancing, or work towards understanding and coming to a decision point.

Trust and Hurt

There is a cycle of resentment here.

You fell in love with a boyfriend. Kurt felt hurt.
You then dumped boyfriend. You felt resentment.
Kurt then got a girlfriend. Did you feel resentment about that?
He then lied and broke boundaries. Was it from revenge, or bad behaviour caused by his own resentment about how he felt you treated him in the past?
You are now wrapped up in NRE with Colby. Do you feel deep-seated resentment about the way Kurt treated you? Are you having your head turned by someone who seems so much better, someone who hasn't hurt you? Are you subconsciously punishing Kurt by withdrawing?

You said yourself that possibly the reason you recoiled at his touch was because you felt betrayed yet again. You had flashes of him with Dora.

I wish I was over him hurting me already. It's getting old...
Click to expand...

Hurt takes time to heal. Too often, we go looking for new relationships before we are really there yet in our existing one. How long has it been since Kurt broke the boundaries with his ex and then started seeing Dora? How long before you started dating Colby?

How are you and Kurt working on your own relationship? How much time and attention are you each giving to your new relationships? Are you each letting yourselves emotionally hide 'inside' other people, instead of facing each other?

I ask because I went through this pattern myself last year. My girlfriend dated like a maniac last summer and I felt that her behaviour during the first year of our poly relationship was hurtful. So, I threw myself into dating other people. I didn't realise it at the time, but I was trying to distract myself and, in a very subconscious way, punish her by saying "Fine, you want to go out and break our boundaries, do whatever you like? Watch me do it too."

I actually went and put myself on a poly dating ban for about 5 months, starting in the Fall just gone. I stopped looking online, stopped seeking other partners and forced myself to be 'single' in terms of partners outside my girlfriend. It helped so much. Instead of a constant whirlwind of each of us dealing with our own NRE, emotional spikes and lulls, jealousy, insecurity, balancing, nurturing, etc., we just focused on one thing at a time. She started a relationship with someone and we worked through that slowly together, whilst I remained on my self-imposed poly ban.

Being on the ban helped me to deal with my past issues regarding her behaviour, my hurt, any resentment, etc. It helped me to focus on our relationship and be able to better re-focus her attention. She wasn't distracted with jealousy over my relationships - so she only had to deal with the balancing and nurturing side of the poly coin. 5 months of this and she has become more honest, patient, warm and caring than I've ever seen before.

I started to feel secure and strong in myself and in her love for me again, and so, I am now going to slowly start looking for dating potentials again.

Incidentally, in terms of resentment cycles and hurt...

Like you, I had ideas about how my girlfriend had hurt me in the past. I too broke up with lovers because of her. (not because she forced me - but because it all got too much for her, and for myself). I realised, through conversations with her, that she had her very own list of ways that I'd hurt her in the past. Things I hadn't even thought about. If you can accept that humans do hurt other humans at times without realising it, or being equipped to stop it straight away, it can be easier to move on from this and avoid continuing the cycle.

GalaGirl once gave me an analogy of poly being like a waterbed. If it's rocky between the people already on it, adding extra bodies is only going to make it wobble all over the place.

Overall, I'm not suggesting you each break up with your other partners - you're already invested now. But, it would be worth doing extra work on your own relationship. Making time (or more time) for dates together, perhaps even poly marriage counselling for a short while to help iron out the kinks. Recognising when you feel the pull of NRE and using that feeling as a flag, telling you to refocus on your existing relationship. Perhaps, if either of your outside relationships end, consider a 3-6 month period of only one of you continuing to date your existing other partner, so that you can deal with one poly-related issue at a time until you are in a more healthy couple environment.

If you start looking at the *cycle* of resentment, rather than what *he* did to cause *your* resentment, it might start to help you to gradually let go of the hurt and reconnect in the right way.
 
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After re-reading your thread, it seems as if the hurt your husband caused is the bigger issue with your reluctance to be intimate than the NRE issue. That kind of broken trust hurt runs deep, and can take a long time to heal. Therapy helps. Are you and hubby pursuing MC? It can be an enormous help, and sometimes becomes essential. A good therapist can help with the communication and keep things moving forward in a positive, loving atmosphere.
 
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