Redpepper's journey

redpepper

New member
I ended my relationships with Derby and Brad this week. The extent of Mono's actions have been revealed as he starts considering dating. He was with a woman from LBs school. LB and his gf are considering monogamy and I am unable to carry on balancing four relationships right now. I am concentrating on home and me instead. I am completely unsure if concentrating on my relationship with Mono is the best plan. Time will tell. I could very well end up facing my biggest fear. That of being alone.
 
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BoringGuy

Banned
I ended my relationships with Derby and Brad this week. The extent of Mono's actions have been revealed as he starts considering dating. He was with a woman from LBs school. LB and his gf are considering monogamy and I am unable to carry on balancing four relationships right now. I am concentrating on home and me instead. I am completely unsure if concentrating on my relationship with Mono is the best plan. Time will tell. I could very well end up facing my biggest fear. That of being alone.



What what, huh? Isn't "LB" your abbreviated nickname for your son?
 
I ended my relationships with Derby and Brad this week. The extent of Mono's actions have been revealed as he starts considering dating. He was with a woman from LBs school. LB and his gf are considering monogamy and I am unable to carry on balancing four relationships right now. I am concentrating on home and me instead. I am completely unsure if concentrating on my relationship with Mono is the best plan. Time will tell. I could very well end up facing my biggest fear. That of being alone.

Did you mean your husband and not your son?
 

nycindie

Active member
RP, I don't understand - your last post is a little confusing.

Why did you feel it necessary to break up with Derby, whom you've been with and loved for a long time, and Brad, whose company you seem truly enjoy? Was that a reaction to Mono embracing polyamory now? Do you feel like if you focus more on Mono, he might not "stray" and pursue anyone else? Are you strategizing to reach an outcome you would be happier with? You want him to stay monogamous to you? How did Brad and Derby take it?

I wonder if you're scrambling out of feeling a bit desperate for things to be the way they once were - and familiar. You know, nothing will ever be the same, hon. Also, why do you say you'd be alone if you have PN? It sounds like you're really upset - or did you mean to write that PN and his gf are thinking about monogamy?
 

FullofLove1052

New member
I ended my relationships with Derby and Brad this week. The extent of Mono's actions have been revealed as he starts considering dating. He was with a woman from LBs school. LB and his gf are considering monogamy and I am unable to carry on balancing four relationships right now. I am concentrating on home and me instead. I am completely unsure if concentrating on my relationship with Mono is the best plan. Time will tell. I could very well end up facing my biggest fear. That of being alone.

Well, that was unexpected. :(

Do you mean that Mono was with a woman from your son's school, and you just found out about it? (I am assuming you also meant another one of your loves and his girlfriend are considering being mono.)

Balancing four relationships, parenting, and a full-time career has to wear you out. It seems like you still have some years until your child is out of the house. The older he gets the more independent he will be, but that would have still left four relationships.

Are you having a hard time adjusting to Mono exploring poly and being ethically non-mono as opposed to straying? It sounds like you are struggling and having a hard time with more than one thing. I am sorry for that, and I do hope it gets better. Sending you hugs. :(
 

opalescent

Active member
Oh RP, you sound so sad. I don't know what it's like to have 4 relationships but I do know what it's like to suddenly have a stable life just dissolve. Sending you well wishes and strength. You will survive, and eventually thrive, even if you are on your own.
 
:(

I hope that you're feeling okay just now.

Reading your blog tells me that you are a strong woman and I don't think you have much to fear from the possibility of ending up alone - I think you would be fine if that happened.

I do feel sad that you have broken up with Brad and Derby. You have written so often about the love and support that they provide you - Derby in particular has been mentioned frequently as a source of support and kindness to you. It sounds like you need love and support in your life more than ever and I'm saddened that you feel unable to continue in relationships that were providing so much of those things.

IP
 

Derbylicious

New member
For the record. I will still be a source of support for RP. There have been changes in the way our relationship is defined and there will be a period or readjustment as we figure that out. It's been a rollercoaster few weeks and the dust hasn't settled yet. RP is a part of my world and one of my closest friends and I don't see that changing.
 
yes. Sorry. PN.

I've never really understood your dynamic with PN, but figured you guys were much more comfort based than passion oriented, sexually and romantically at least. Would his monogamy with another be that much of a change for you? It has always read like Mono is the true time intensive relationship, and all others are more part time, or situational (parenting/friends based relationship with PN, etc).

Anyway, you can't reason or objectify emotions. There's no science or long dialogues required to understand what you're feeling unstable about, just a question of how you intend to act. For my two cents, I don't give a rip if you're in a single, plural or no relationship status. That shouldn't define your value, if you think about it.
 

redpepper

New member
I'm not worried about PN. I love him and want him to be happy. If monogamy creates more of that then I will be at peace. He is more of a comfort to me than intense relationship.
 

redpepper

New member
Brad and Derby expressed interest in one another and I couldn't take on anything else on top of everything else. I thought it best to let it go and concentrate on my home life without feeling responsible for anything but that.

Mono has made plans with his new lady and I barely staying afloat. So begins the NRE at a time when we have no solid foundation any longer.

Going home to bed now. Left early from work.
 

nycindie

Active member
Brad and Derby expressed interest in one another and I couldn't take on anything else on top of everything else. I thought it best to let it go and concentrate on my home life without feeling responsible for anything but that.

Mono has made plans with his new lady and I barely staying afloat. So begins the NRE at a time when we have no solid foundation any longer.

Going home to bed now. Left early from work.

Awww, it seems like the big poly tribe you often said you wanted is forming itself among the people you love and care about!! A loving family/tribe - isn't that what you always dreamed of? Brad and Derby - wow! And I would think that you'd be happy Mono is now open to poly, especially since you often said you could not understand his mono ways and could not relate to monogamy. He's willing to walk a few miles in your shoes and see how love can be expansive - isn't that a good thing? PN having a gf for the first time in a very long while, and feeling so close that he's considering being mono with her, wow again. The paths of love just keep growing and evolving. All we can do is roll with it and see where the river's currents take us. How powerful and uplifting that you are surrounded by such a beautiful loving network!

Are you feeling a bit like things are spinning out of your control? Is that why it's so overwhelming for you? Maybe the exhaustion is coming from trying too hard to preserve the same position you once had with all your loves. You were this impressive force, a woman who manages having many relationships, and now those relationships are expanding beyond your grasp, and you are one of many. But you are not less than you were before - you are still loved and wanted and valued!!

I know you are strong and definitely can handle some of your loves having new relationships, even with each other. The dynamics have shifted and changed, but it's not necessarily a bad thing! It looks to me like your poly dream coming true!

Get some rest, RP. Maybe sleep and a new perspective will help.
 
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LovingRadiance

Active member
I just want to send you hugs.
I remember when Maca was telling me that it was too much, trying to learn poly while still healing from the pain of GG and I cheating on him.
VERY valid issue.

But, my redhead love is much like you, and with time and effort we managed the transition. It WOULD have been so much easier for him AND the rest of us if GG and I hadn't broken his trust and his heart first.
I am SURE it would be easier for you if Mono hadn't broken your trust and your heart first.

Take some time, work on yourself, give yourself the love and space you need. Take some walks by the water, they always make you feel better.
Vent when you need.
Cry when you need.
Laugh when you are ready.

Most of all-remember, you do have friends who love you and care for you and are willing to listen, support and help in any way we can.

HUGS!
 

BoringGuy

Banned
Awww, it seems like the big poly tribe you often said you wanted is forming itself among the people you love and care about!! A loving family/tribe - isn't that what you always dreamed of?

I say this non-judgmentally and simply as an observation:

Yes, I think you always dreamed of that. However, it seems as if you saw your "poly family" like a solar system, with yourself as the sun around which the planets (your partners) and their moons (your metamours) revolve. Now it seems as if you're just noticing that everyone has their own little solar system.


I'm not trying to start a debate; this is just the way it looks from what i've read, and what i recall.
 
I think of you lots and wish strength for you.

I look forward to you getting through all of this and regaining your balance in all of it - I enjoy your posts about being a relationship geek and about the joy you find in being with your loves. I hope that you can get back to that place - if not - move on to a place that is equally thrilling and fulfilling for you.

xxx
 

redpepper

New member
After a week of not sleeping or eating (I am here at 4.30 am) I am finding myself no closer to accepting. I have moments but I get set back easily. I'm hoping that eventually I will come here and be able to say that I have but right now I just grieve and continue breathing.

Mono invited Derby and Brad and others over tonight. It was great to see them but painful for all of us I think. There was a silence and vacancy that set a tone for the evening even though there was laughing and joking around. Time. It will take time.

Mono is making slow moves but I can tell is falling deeper into his connection with T. They write each other all day and plan to meet for coffee once a week for awhile. He wants more but is gracious enough to allow some time for me to catch up. My connection with him is lost and with all the changes going on I find it hard to grasp the last little bit.

Its been a week of talking and being silently overwhelmed with Mono. PN walks around silently going about his business also. The only time we manage to be normal is when LB is around.

Order of business:
Sleep
Eat
Work on taking care of me
Get over cheating (stop paranoia, trust)
Find my connection with Mono
Work on friendship bonds with Derby
Work on friendship bonds with Brad
Have fun again
Create happiness, comfort and contentment for myself
 

redpepper

New member
Awww, it seems like the big poly tribe you often said you wanted is forming itself among the people you love and care about!! A loving family/tribe - isn't that what you always dreamed of? Brad and Derby - wow! And I would think that you'd be happy Mono is now open to poly, especially since you often said you could not understand his mono ways and could not relate to monogamy. He's willing to walk a few miles in your shoes and see how love can be expansive - isn't that a good thing? PN having a gf for the first time in a very long while, and feeling so close that he's considering being mono with her, wow again. The paths of love just keep growing and evolving. All we can do is roll with it and see where the river's currents take us. How powerful and uplifting that you are surrounded by such a beautiful loving network!

Are you feeling a bit like things are spinning out of your control? Is that why it's so overwhelming for you? Maybe the exhaustion is coming from trying too hard to preserve the same position you once had with all your loves. You were this impressive force, a woman who manages having many relationships, and now those relationships are expanding beyond your grasp, and you are one of many. But you are not less than you were before - you are still loved and wanted and valued!!

I know you are strong and definitely can handle some of your loves having new relationships, even with each other. The dynamics have shifted and changed, but it's not necessarily a bad thing! It looks to me like your poly dream coming true!

Get some rest, RP. Maybe sleep and a new perspective will help.
yes. Sleep.

This has given me some well needed perspective. Thank you. I will read it over and over again. I will not be abandoned. I will be surrounded by love and give love. Faith. I need some faith.
 

redpepper

New member
I just want to send you hugs.
I remember when Maca was telling me that it was too much, trying to learn poly while still healing from the pain of GG and I cheating on him.
VERY valid issue.

But, my redhead love is much like you, and with time and effort we managed the transition. It WOULD have been so much easier for him AND the rest of us if GG and I hadn't broken his trust and his heart first.
I am SURE it would be easier for you if Mono hadn't broken your trust and your heart first.

Take some time, work on yourself, give yourself the love and space you need. Take some walks by the water, they always make you feel better.
Vent when you need.
Cry when you need.
Laugh when you are ready.

Most of all-remember, you do have friends who love you and care for you and are willing to listen, support and help in any way we can.

HUGS!
Thanks LR.

I am taking note that you too got through this also. Did you feel your love shift away from what you knew it to be when Maca decided to try poly? I am finding I don't even recognize Mono yet he says the change occurred over a year ago and he just let me in ane admitted it entirely these past two weeks. I've always seen him as all eyes on me and now the shift to all*eyes*on whomever and specifically T is frightening and foreign. I can't believe that he still loves me in that yet I know it isn't rational. Of course he does. I am just so used to hearing him say I am his one and only.... time I guess. Time and experience.
 
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