Redpepper,
My name is Jim.
I started reading this blog about a week ago, plus or minus. I started at the beginning and read it through to the current days.
You and I emote in very similar ways from what I've read in your posts. I process things like this very hard and take on feelings from others, as well. It's grueling sometimes. The phrase I use is "big feelings, big bruises." I know you're currently in a crucible of doubt and pain and feeling helpless at the moment. The good news is, I also know from this place you are in right now, an evolution will occur in you.
You will get through this. You will find your way through the "lost" and out of the dark.
Lots of people say we are "never given more than we can handle." The often overlooked and nearly never stated part of that idea is that sometimes we aren't given "any less than we can handle."
Take heart, friend, for this is not your end.
chrysalis chrys·a·lis noun \ˈkri-sə-ləs\
2: a protecting covering : a sheltered state or stage of being or growth- Merriam-Webster.com