Regarding kissing/making out

[AnnabelMore]

Is "romantic" love in fact stronger than "family" love? Would a parent reliably choose the life of their partner over the life of their child?

Poly has not suddenly come along and changed romantic love. The idea of nonmonogamy is far from new, poly is just a more honest and egalitarian way to think about it. And it's a tiny movement -- people are still free to be monogamous and most are (in theory, if you don't count cheating, divorce and remarriage, etc.).

If you knew us and our stories, you would know that we love with the same intensity that monogamous people do, and treat our love as just as special.

Is there anything other than your own theory about how love works that makes you think that poly love is less special? Have you ever known a poly person personally or been in a poly relationship? I'm still very curious and don't feel as if my question had been answered in terms of what brought you here. Did you just read about poly somewhere and decide to put in your two cents?

 

[StumblingAlong]

I have romantic love for both of my partners. That is why I would have a very hard time with that rule. I want to be intimate in all ways with both my partners.

 

[Hannahfluke]

Red Pepper,

Do you really have a restriction that you can't kiss Leo but you can have sex with him? That was what I understood the original poster was saying, that she'd be okay with sex but not okay with kissing. That's totally different than what you've described your relationship with Leo to be.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Red Pepper,

Do you really have a restriction that you can't kiss Leo but you can have sex with him? That was what I understood the original poster was saying, that she'd be okay with sex but not okay with kissing. That's totally different than what you've described your relationship with Leo to be.

Yeah, her situation is a little different than that LOL! She wishes

In all honesty I think agreements, rules, compromises or whatever are great for a certain amount of time. But even needing to have them means someone is holding back and that is no way to live in the long term. What's more important is knowing what we need and understanding the impact and possible costs of achieving them. If everyone goes into situations with that in mind then no one should be surprised. The biggest failing I see around these types of things is one partner wanting change and not being willing to accept that other change will likely occur.


From my perspective as a Mono...if you are going to sign off on your partner's desire to be physically intimate in any way, kissing, cuddling or whatever, you may as well accept the idea that you are saying ok to any form of intimate expression including all of the above and good old fashion screwing. Your just putting off the inevitable to say "you can do this, but not this"....we're all adults, adults don't "make out" like kids, we use every part of our bodies in whatever way we can.

Is your partner aware of possible changes if this boundary or rule is broken? Will he accept that possibility?

 

[polychronopolous]

By your logic, if your partner has ever kissed anyone but you then there is less "special" left for you. So, unless we can assume you did met somewhere in elementary school and have been steadfastly monogamous ever since, the notion that someone's romantic gestures toward others somehow robs you of specialness dictates that your specialness was already in the red at the onset of the relationship.

 

[polyq4]

Glad to see I'm not the only one who views kissing as more sacred and intimate than sex. I thought I was a weirdo lol. As for why I am anti-poly, I am anti-poly because I believe it denotes romantic love and takes away the "specialness of it" what made romantic love stronger than any other type of love was precisely because it was reserved just for one person. Now with this whole Poly thing, people are making romantic love on the same level as platonic and family love and I just hate that there's no longer a "special" love anymore.

Also to everyone else that was wondering, I am no troll, I am just genuinely curious on this topic.

OK, so i have multiple loves. Each one is unique and special to me. That is the joy of being Poly. I have come to realize just how much this can be a good thing, There is no way that loving another takes away from the other, in fact I have found quite the opposite. "Romantic" love is not finite, and I am enjoying it with both of my current lovers (My wife and my GF). As far as kissing goes, with both of them its special to me. they kiss differently and thats also special to me. in fact they do everything sexually differently. but thats a whole nother story.

 

[redpepper]

As for why I am anti-poly, I am anti-poly because I believe it denotes romantic love and takes away the "specialness of it" what made romantic love stronger than any other type of love was precisely because it was reserved just for one person. Now with this whole Poly thing, people are making romantic love on the same level as platonic and family love and I just hate that there's no longer a "special" love anymore.

So you would put your version of what you believe to be true on everyone else, just because of how YOU feel. How is that fair? We are all different, diverse, this is what makes for peoples uniqueness. That is a good thing to me. We need to be different and diverse. The goal for me is to be just who I am and that is a person who loves tremendously and is abundant in love.

My love spreads beyond the confines of one person. Yours doesn't. Nice to meet you now lets chat about something else. End of story. Why the concern about it? Is is confusion? Did you think that everyone was like you? I'm not trying to be a troll either, I genuinely want to know because if you can let go of whatever attachment you have to being right about this then I suspect it might not bug you so much that other people don't think like you. Just a thought.

For the record, I don't love my family like I do my partners. EWWWWWW. BLah. Yup, nope.

 

[Arrowbound]

Frankly I expect him to kiss his OSO. Sure, they can be intimate in other ways but usually kissing is how it starts. The fact is, he's going to want to. Not allowing the space, imo, is basically like telling him to not bother having sex with her either.

I mean.........it's just not fair. Or realistic.

 

[AntiPoly]

So you would put your version of what you believe to be true on everyone else, just because of how YOU feel. How is that fair? We are all different, diverse, this is what makes for peoples uniqueness. That is a good thing to me. We need to be different and diverse. The goal for me is to be just who I am and that is a person who loves tremendously and is abundant in love.

My love spreads beyond the confines of one person. Yours doesn't. Nice to meet you now lets chat about something else. End of story. Why the concern about it? Is is confusion? Did you think that everyone was like you? I'm not trying to be a troll either, I genuinely want to know because if you can let go of whatever attachment you have to being right about this then I suspect it might not bug you so much that other people don't think like you. Just a thought.

For the record, I don't love my family like I do my partners. EWWWWWW. BLah. Yup, nope.

Hmm I suppose you have a point... I'm actually more worried about Poly taking over and becoming the mainstream instead of monogamy. And before you know it the whole definition of romantic love will be changed and will be be just like platonic love.

 

[Derbylicious]

Hmm I suppose you have a point... I'm actually more worried about Poly taking over and becoming the mainstream instead of monogamy. And before you know it the whole definition of romantic love will be changed and will be be just like platonic love.

I don't think we're at any risk of poly becoming mainstream anytime soon. For most people monogamy just proves to be a simpler way of living even if they are capable in their hearts of loving more than one.

 

[AnnabelMore]

Hmm I suppose you have a point... I'm actually more worried about Poly taking over and becoming the mainstream instead of monogamy. And before you know it the whole definition of romantic love will be changed and will be be just like platonic love.

Even if poly did become mainstream, there would still be monogamous people -- some folks are just naturally that way. You would still be able to find mono partners, just like we're able to find poly partners now even though we're greatly in the minority. And maybe it would make your monogamous love feel all the more special to you if it were a rare thing.

Either way, I don't see how poly becoming the norm would make romantic love like platonic love? You've gotta understand, my love for my two partners feels exactly to me like my love for my one partner did when I was monogamous. It's very much still special. Taking out that one provision, exclusivity, doesn't make it not special/romantic for me, even though it might for you.

 

[IndieSolo]

I'm actually more worried about Poly taking over and becoming the mainstream instead of monogamy.

So what if it did? Big whoop. No one would be forced to be poly, since it is not only based on honesty, but also consent. So, even if the majority was inclined toward polyamory, and it was absolutely the "norm," you wouldn't have to conform. You could still be monogamous and there would be plenty of mono people out there for potential mates, just like poly people find other poly people now while we are not yet the majority. You would rather monogamy continue to be the norm so that polyfolk are always the outliers instead of you? Is conformity always your preferred state of being?

And before you know it the whole definition of romantic love will be changed and will be be just like platonic love.

I don't know why you aren't getting that polyfolk do not see their romances and intimate relationships as equal to platonic friendships. Love and romance are very special and separate from platonic relationships. We don't all go around hooking up with anybody. We just recognize that it isn't a bad thing to express our capacity to love more than one person - that is, more than one very special person. You seem to be viewing poly from a very uneducated viewpoint and are making rather odd assumptions.

Oh, and there are already many ways to define romantic love. So what if the definitions change. Ask most monogamous people what love and romance means to them and most will have a real difficult time offering any kind of definition, anyway. It's a thing very unique to each person who experiences it. So, why do you see danger in perceptions changing? Life isn't meant to be static.

 

[redpepper]

Monogamy is waaaaay easier. Poly relationships deal with navigating and managing time, investment in many people, interest in exploring and working on relationship dynamics, remaining autonomous and having a knack for all of the above. There are many cross overs with monogamy that are useful too... such as developing and maintaining open and honest communication, practicing compassion/empathy/consideration, understanding that love can be abundant in all its forms rather than scarce and worth coveting.

Most people I think will not be able to achieve poly but see how the theory behind it might be acceptable and respectable and others might try it and fall on their face so much that they give up on it as it causes them too much pain. Some people will never understand it, find it repulsive in some way or a threat (sounds like you antipoly) and others might not care to involve themselves in poly even as an interesting conversation just because it bores them.

Really, I don't think it at all a threat. Love is love and if people want to love a certain way, I figure they can fill their boots. As long as they are happy with that and not hurting others then its not my business to pass judgment. I can even empathize with the love they feel without accepting their truth as my own.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

Well said, everyone. I agree with pretty much all the replies above.

 

[AntiPoly]

So what if it did? Big whoop. No one would be forced to be poly, since it is not only based on honesty, but also consent. So, even if the majority was inclined toward polyamory, and it was absolutely the "norm," you wouldn't have to conform. You could still be monogamous and there would be plenty of mono people out there for potential mates, just like poly people find other poly people now while we are not yet the majority. You would rather monogamy continue to be the norm so that polyfolk are always the outliers instead of you? Is conformity always your preferred state of being? I don't know why you aren't getting that polyfolk do not see their romances and intimate relationships as equal to platonic friendships. Love and romance are very special and separate from platonic relationships. We don't all go around hooking up with anybody. We just recognize that it isn't a bad thing to express our capacity to love more than one person - that is, more than one very special person. You seem to be viewing poly from a very uneducated viewpoint and are making rather odd assumptions.

Oh, and there are already many ways to define romantic love. So what if the definitions change. Ask most monogamous people what love and romance means to them and most will have a real difficult time offering any kind of definition, anyway. It's a thing very unique to each person who experiences it. So, why do you see danger in perceptions changing? Life isn't meant to be static.

I guess I'm afraid that once Poly becomes mainstream there'll be no boundaries regarding sexuality and romance. Pretty soon Pedophillia and Beastiality will also become accepted and mainstream, what do you say to that? Where exactly do we draw the line?

 

[StumblingAlong]

Well said, everyone. I agree with pretty much all the replies above.

I second this. Very well said.

I also feel like many of the others here do.

 

[kamala]

AntiPoly, people have been quite polite to you up until now. You've suggested that poly people have inferior relationships, and when they responded reasonably and thoughtfully with explanations of what poly really means to them, you respond with saying that their poly will eventually lead to bestiality and pedophilia becoming mainstream.

Look, I'm not even sure why anyone's trying to explain/defend anything to you. You clearly have some problems that you've chosen to deal with by coming onto an anonymous board and insulting people. If you have a loved one who wants to try this, or you have had some bad experience in the past, you could have come here and really, actually, truly learned something. But you're a bigot, and you won't learn a thing. Draw the line wherever you want to, but don't pretend that where other people draw theirs has anything at all to do with you

 

[Jericka]

Antipoly, you have brought in the bestiality and pedophilia slippery slope argument and therefore are either missing the HONESTY AND CONSENT part of this or are ignoring it deliberately in order to stir things up.

I suspect it is the latter, that you are ignoring it to stir things up, and that therefore you are trolling; your purpose here is to get people stirred up, and not to actually learn. Your curiosity is only about how far you can push, in my opinion. You are testing boundaries.

You could convince me otherwise, but, you would need to actually pay attention to the concepts of honesty and consent to do so.

I don't think you will.

 

[AutumnalTone]

Hmm I suppose you have a point... I'm actually more worried about Poly taking over and becoming the mainstream instead of monogamy. And before you know it the whole definition of romantic love will be changed and will be be just like platonic love.

I have to say that this strikes me as quite silly. Romantic involvement and platonic involvement are not alike and won't ever be alike simply because they are different forms of bonding. Any serious romantic involvement will also include attachment, which is part of platonic relationships, though that's not to say that the two will be the same. That sort of claim seems to speak of a lack of experience with each or to a bitterness born of a bad relationship ending or both.

I'm also uncertain as to what you think the definition of romantic love is. It certainly doesn't contain any limitation involving the number of people. You may be mono and want only mono partners, sure; that doesn't involve any supposed limitation by definition on romantic love or involvement.

That leads me again ask why you're here. That is an important question. That title up there by my username is one of several. One other I carry is that of Royal Executioner--I'm the guy who will escort you off the boards if I think you're here to troll.

So, if you're mono and expect your partners to be mono, why are you here?

 

[IndieSolo]

I guess I'm afraid that once Poly becomes mainstream there'll be no boundaries regarding sexuality and romance. Pretty soon Pedophillia and Beastiality will also become accepted and mainstream, what do you say to that? Where exactly do we draw the line?

Ah, I see. If you are really not a troll, then you are an [deleted]. You view polyamory as a contemptible depravity. You have the audacity to come to our online poly community and lump poly in with such sick practices as beastiality and pedophilia. I am sure I speak for many members here in saying that ... dull-witted prejudice are not welcome here.