Reinvestigating ENM

P

polynewb

Member
I have stepped back after a not-so-great trip into poly. I need some advice about a guy who says he is ENM. He wrote this. I just want an opinion, as all he has talked about in his texts is what he likes to do sexually with women.

"I think it’s possible we might be looking for different things. My life is really busy and I’m quite time-poor at the moment- it sounds like you are looking for a sustained intimate connection that builds over time. I don’t know if I can realistically offer that. I love great sex and intimacy too, but between work, parenting and other family commitments, I would struggle to be available on a regular schedule."
 
That seems like a very honest, very real thing. He's identifying himself as ENM, not polyamorous. He has commitments that limit what he's able to offer new people, realized you want something he's not able to offer, and made sure you knew.

Sounds like he can find time for some fun sex and hangouts but can't guarantee emotional intimacy/availability on a regular basis. Seems reasonable, just isn't what you want.
 
As all he has talked about in his texts are what he likes to do sexually with women.
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Are you even up for that, or was he being too forward?

"I think it’s possible we might be looking for different things. My life is really busy and I’m quite time-poor at the moment- it sounds like you are looking for a sustained intimate connection that builds over time. I don’t know if I can realistically offer that. I love great sex and intimacy too, but between work, parenting and other family commitments, I would struggle to be available on a regular schedule."
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I think that's where you text him back something like:

"Okay. Let's just call it here, since we want different things and this isn't compatible. I wish you well on your future connections."

Then block him, so he can't bug you.

Even for casual ENM, have high personal standards.

Galagirl
 
"It sounds like you are looking for a sustained intimate connection that builds over time." Is he right? Are you? :)
 
I've been doing my reading on ENM & CNM. I don't think he is either of those. Both require some form of commitment, especially where it comes to allocating time. Safe to say, he is just on a sexploration. The possible sex antics sound amazing. Do l ask him what can he give me? Or just put it down as someone who doesn't actually know enough re: ENM & CNM.. He is a newbie too.

I want a sustainable intimate relationship.

Thank you for all your insightful advice.

I love Alwaysgrowing saying, "Sounds like he can find time for some fun sex and hangouts, but can't guarantee emotional intimacy/availability on a regular basis."
 
When I was dating around looking for "Mr Right," I was also willing to date a few "Mr Right Nows," just to satisfy my sexual appetite, which is kinda off the charts. I checked people out to make sure they were respectful, decent, kind, dependable as far as it went, to satisfy my needs in that area, and also to have fun and try out new sexual/kink activities. But I wouldn't expect too much. I'd learn to protect my heart and not let my feelings grow inappropriately, if I ended up wanting more than I knew they could give.

I don't know if you're tempted in that way.
 
Hi Tania,

It sounds like you are giving ENM a second look. You want to know if ENM is right for you. I would say a poly partner might be doable -- if, and only if, he made you a priority. That is to say, as long as he didn't spread himself so thin that he couldn't date you at least once a week. And don't be led on by vague reassurances. Base your actions on what he actually does, rather than what he says. As the old saying goes, talk is cheap.

The guy you are currently talking to sounds nice enough and sincere -- but he is saying right now that he would not be able to give you the amount of time and attention that you need. It's nice of him to share what he likes sexually, but I don't think sex is all you need. My vote is to thank him for being honest, and then move on. There are guys out there who have time to devote to you. Hold out for those guys. Don't compromise on your wants and needs.

You already know what it's like to date a guy who won't make time for you. It just sucks. Don't get pulled down that rabbit hole a second time.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks, Kevin.. He isn't the only one. It's awfully tempting. But l accepted crumbs the last time, and it broke me.

I don't think l am emotionally strong to just do the sex thing, let alone that l have him do the same as the last guy.
 
No problem -- you did the right thing.
 
Hey Kevin,
It's promising. I am chatting with a guy who is serious about long-term poly, with interest in an intimate & meaningful connection. He has done his research. Hope to meet face-to-face soon. I know it's not just about words, but a strong commitment to showing up. It's an exploration for both of us. But it feels honest.
 
Sounds promising. I hope he proves to be a keeper.
 
Hey Kevin. I will keep you updated. I've had great advice from all of you here. The proof is in the eating. Lol
 
Hi All. Is there a place l can look for a worksheet that outlines practical steps on needs & boundaries, like a checklist in establishing a poly relationship? Please?
 
Needs and boundaries are present in all relationships, polyamorous as well as monoamorous. You can find a list of needs here, for example:

www.veronika-amaya.com

Relationship Coaching For Couples: When Is It Time To Get Help — Veronika Amaya

Relationships are the foundation of our wellbeing - we need people around us that love us, care for us and that we can belong with. If we’re experiencing ongoing problems within our primary relationship, it’s like the foundation of our house is crumbling - leaving us shaken, stressed and unsupporte
www.veronika-amaya.com www.veronika-amaya.com
 
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