Relationship advice

[Findingit]

I’ve never written on any forums before, but I feel like I have no where to turn to. My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years. Over the past year to maybe 6 months he has been expressing he has been poly and that is why he tends to reach out to other females, including getting caught bong on tinder. He says it was to seek out some validation and he does not feel complete on our relationship even though besides all that it is going good.

So recently he asked to start training a friend from his job at the gym. At first it was hard for me but I figured we can start building our trust this way. He told me they were only friends and she has kids. I had a gut feeling but I agreed to it. Now my boyfriend is expressing how he feels being poly is not by trying to sleep with everyone but by wanting to add just another person to our relationship. He expressed he has been having feeling towards this girl at work he has been training and she feels the same way. I am monogamous and completely unsure how to feel. I just run through the what if’s but him dating another girl who’s not be okay with me. I am slightly open to seeing if a throuple would work but can not promise this to him, because for me this is nothing I thought I would have to experience or think about. Does anyone have any suggestions or views from someone who has always been monogamous and how that can work out ?
Another point is my boyfriend and I have already agreed we did not want to have kids and he does not understand how dating someone with kids makes you another parental figure.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggling.

I could be wrong in my impressions.

It sounds like you've been dealing with a BF for a while who kinda sneaks around. Then trying to decide whether to end it or go along with his poly suggestion to see if that "solves" the poor behaviors and he stops sneaking and starts behaving more trustworthy. Even though you are monogamous and not poly. Is that it?

If so? It just doesn't sound deeply compatible me.

Over the past year to maybe 6 months he has been expressing he has been poly and that is why he tends to reach out to other females, including getting caught bong on tinder.

Was this BF cheating on monogamous agreements with you?

What's up with the Tinder thing? Was that him cheating on your shared agreements?

What kind of character does this BF have? Is he a person of his Word or he just says whatever in the moment?

Cuz it is possible to realize things about yourself later in life like being poly and not be sure how to handle it and make some mistakes.

It's also possible to try to "explain away" bad behavior when caught so one avoids taking personal responsibility and so one can keep on "coasting" through life without really changing.

He says it was to seek out some validation and he does not feel complete on our relationship even though besides all that it is going good.

I would say NOT going good, since "emotional honesty" seems to be missing. "Trustworthy behavior" also seems to be missing.

Your relationship with him is not supposed to "complete" him. It's to share love together. Does his behavior seem loving toward you?

He's supposed to do his work on himself HIMSELF. Not use people to fill whatever "holes" he's got. Is that what he does?

So recently he asked to start training a friend from his job at the gym. At first it was hard for me but I figured we can start building our trust this way. He told me they were only friends and she has kids. I had a gut feeling but I agreed to it.

If you had a feeling he was just "saying whatever" to you to get his foot in the door with dating her? And now that he's found out she likes him and willing to date him? But he's not actually in an Open relationship so he's kinda cheating on agreements? Then he's putting cart before horse.

You were right. It was NOT "just friends." And he couldn't be trusted to be honest with you from the start.

So... you have to decide what to do with this BF if that's how it played out.

• You could keep dating him, and accept he's just not to be trusted at his Word.
  
• You could call it enough times giving him chances to build trust by being up front and honest. And you could stop dating him if this is all he brings you now -- headaches and lack of trust.

Now my boyfriend is expressing how he feels being poly is not by trying to sleep with everyone but by wanting to add just another person to our relationship.

That's nice. He can want whatever he wants.

And you can say "No, thanks. I don't want to do that. I don't want to add people. So best we part. We have become incompatible."

He expressed he has been having feeling towards this girl at work he has been training and she feels the same way. I am monogamous and completely unsure how to feel.

You might feel sad, angry, disappointed, tired... or all the above or more.

Keep it WAY simpler on you. If you are monogamous? You don't sound like you want to participate in any poly things.

If he wants to date her on the level?
He could do so by being clear with you that he wants to open the relationship first before approaching her.
Or ending it with you respectfully first because he wants to and you don't before approaching her.

Rather than cart before horse/ stringing you along. Like you are the "safety net" if his "extra" doesn't pan out.

I suggest some soul searching and taking a step back.

Fine, he has this big poly revelation. But to sneak around on Tinder? Is that even healed yet?

Then him try to get you into throuple with the gym lady? For WHAT? To assuage his guilt for starting it with gym lady all shady to begin with? (Who knows what stories he tells her. )

I am totally guessing. But if that's what's going on here -- there is a lack of emotional honesty and he's just not treating you well. So YOU could treat YOU well.

You could do your soul searching and decide that you could be up for poly. But that still doesn't mean you want to do poly with HIM because he behaves poorly toward you.

I am slightly open to seeing if a throuple would work but can not promise this to him, because for me this is nothing I thought I would have to experience or think about.

But do you even WANT to do a throuple with someone you aren't sure you trust? Do you WANT to experience that or think about it?

I think open relationships / poly happens best when it comes from a "joyful yes!" place.

It's ok to be newbie. We all are at some point. But usually people WANT to go there and are looking forward to it.

You do NOT sound happy. More like kinda railroaded along because you don't have time to process and digest the last headache with him before here comes a new one. You don't sound like you want to go there.

You say you are monogamous. At the same time, you might not be ready to end it with this BF, even though it sounds like he's been behaving kinda iffy for a while now. You need time and space to think and maybe grieve ending this (if you are going to end it). If he's making flurries of activity, it's hard to do that because you are constantly off balance.

Maybe take a weekend off on your own to think? Get to some quiet space before making any decisions?

Another point is my boyfriend and I have already agreed we did not want to have kids and he does not understand how dating someone with kids makes you another parental figure.

That is correct. Dating a mom is different than dating child-free adults. But you know what? You have ENOUGH on your plate without taking on board this problem. That's the mom's problem -- who she allows around her kids.

YOUR problem is dealing with a BF you don't trust because he behaves like this towards you. And deciding what to do about it.

Does anyone have any suggestions or views from someone who has always been monogamous and how that can work out ?

You mentioned dating him for 3 years and it starting to get wonky after about 2 years in.

There's a name for that -- New Relationship Energy. It lasts 6 mos to 2 years, and then you REALLY find out if you are compatible or not. The pink fluffy lala clouds lift and you see the person's true colors. If you are finding out that this BF is not deeply compatible when his true colors came out? That is a bummer. And it hurts to realize it. Nobody LOVES breaking up.

But again... don't make single load bummer into double or triple. Sometimes in dating that happens. People who are initially compatible are not DEEPLY compatible. They part ways. That's part of what dating is FOR -- to find the really really really compatible ones.

Do your soul searching and remember to be true to your values and what you want from your relationships. If he no longer makes the cut? He just doesn't make the cut. It's a bummer, but you do not have to bend yourself into pretzels just to hang on to this dating partner. It's ok to break up respectfully so both people can come out of that with some dignity.

I think if you are monoamorous (want one sweetie) and relationship shape flexible and can do either monogamy or open/poly models as an end point to a V or similar - then it might be ok. Provided you WANT to participate joyfully in it. AND if the mix is compatible.

Cuz it depends on the mix of people. Just all three people being joyfully up for poly doesn't change the fact that "initially compatible" does not automatically mean "deeply compatible" in poly dating. Just like it doesn't in monogamous dating.

I think if you are monoamorous (want one sweetie) and monogamous (only want 1:1 relationship shape), then as much as it hurts?

You might be best off being emotionally honest with yourself first:

• He doesn't meet your personal standards for what behavior you expect from a partner and how you want to be treated.
• And now he's asking you to do stuff you are just not into -- throuples.

Then be emotionally honest with him:

• A throuple is NOT what you want in life.
• Poly is NOT for you. You prefer monogamy.
• So you are ending it with him so he can be FREE TO pursue whatever poly things he wants. And you can be FREE FROM poly stuff you do not want.

I can only imagine how tough the feelings are right now -- but keep your actions and behaviors simple. Align them with the things YOU value.

If things are in an UGH place and things stink? Go for the least stinky choice rather than piling on extra UGH.

I'm sorry this is happening.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Findingit,

It sounds like you are in a mono/poly relationship ... and, you are wondering if that kind of a relationship can work. I'm here to tell you that it can ... if all the necessary elements are there. It takes communication and compromise (on the part of both parties). Also it takes honesty. Is your boyfriend being honest? Has he been honest?

Here are some resources that may help.

• How to Love a Polyamorist
• Is Polyamory with a Monogamous Partner Possible?
• As someone who is monogamous, how can I be okay with the fact that my girlfriend is polyamorous, and how can I get over my feelings of inadequacy?
• What If I Get Jealous?
• Jealousy and Insecurity
• The Struggling Mono Thread
• Mono/Non-Mono - Struggling to Accept
• Poly/mono advice wanted: about not feeling "enough"
• mono/poly
• Franklin Veaux's Mono/Poly Pages
• Mono/Poly Yahoo Group
• YouAreHere
• Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
• Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
• The Mono Bill of Rights

Hopefully you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[FallenAngelina]

.... he has been expressing he has been pol...getting caught bong on tinder.

Being poly doesn't simply mean that one has feelings, being poly means that one is honest. "Getting caught on Tinder" implies that he was deceiving you, that you had no knowledge of his active profile, that you had not agreed to this. This isn't polyamory, this is just plain ole sneaking around. Lots of people do it, they may or may not call it cheating, but it is not polyamory. Having feelings for multiple people also isn't polyamory. Lots of people have those feelings - it's not all that unusual. What sets polyamory apart from simply having those feelings is awareness and consent of all the partners. You are marginally aware and you certainly don't consent right now. Therefore, there's no polyamory. He hasn't "always been poly," he's had the feelings.

It's really important that you know that your consent is essential to this becoming a polyamorous situation. Good that you're here and informing yourself about your options.

I am monogamous and completely unsure how to feel. .... I am slightly open to seeing if a throuple would work but can not promise this to him, because for me this is nothing I thought I would have to experience or think about.

I would say that you do know how to feel, but you're afraid to say so. You seem to be in a "I'll do whatever it takes to keep him" mindset, even if that means contorting yourself into a relationship that is not reliable and a model that is not what you'd prefer. Mono-poly relationships indeed can work, but everyone needs to be on board with that joyful yes that GalaGirl spoke of. Accommodating your BF's cheaty, flirty, oblivious-to-the-kids-involved, validation craving whims just to keep him in your life is a recipe for disaster. Instead of pretzeling yourself to fit his desires, ask yourself what your own priorities are. What do you value most of all in a relationship?

 

[Amygdala]

I'm sure there are many paths to discovering one is poly, however...

I also wonder at times whether ''poly'' gets used as a nicer way of saying ''I want to have sex with another or others''... Sort of a more palatable way of asking for permission or excusing some level of cheating.

One of the hardest conversations a couple will ever have is when one says '' Honey I love you and I want to be free to have sex with other people''... The response might likely be ''No way"!

Saying ''Honey I love you and I have discovered I am 'polyamorous' sounds a lot safer to the relationship, as in, ''I can't help this, it is who I am at the core''....It explains my chasing others" might be more likely to cause the other person to feel they cant say no or they risk squashing the now revealed 'authentic self' of the other.

(Speaking for myself, I 'owned' my wandering eye many years ago to my wife and my desire to experience other women as nothing more than that. I was getting on and wanted to have some outside fun, I have never been monogamous in my head, I have never been polyamorous either. Once we established an open relationship we knew very early that Minxi was poly if sex was to be in the air).

Polyamory seems to legitimize some level of outside interests to society in my opinion. For example, If Minxi told her family I just liked to have sex with other women the reaction will be very different to if she fibbed and told them i was polyamorous. Sex says 'bad man' poly says 'built that way', he 'cares' almost like an orientation.

 

[Amygdala]

Does anyone have any suggestions or views from someone who has always been monogamous and how that can work out ?

My wife and I were monogamous for 11 of our 14 years together. We never discussed non monogamy until 3 years ago when I asked to open the relationship for sex with others (not poly).

It is real hard for the other person to deal with and we took 3 years to get to the destination. The golden rule was baby steps at HER PACE not mine. We looked at all the pitfalls we could think of BEFORE doing anything. My wife's first poly experience on the other hand happened rapidly and BEFORE we were prepared for what happens. And it was bloody hard. Now she is seeing no one and we are doing all our homework and such BEFORE it comes back.

I pushed too hard for my wants in that time and all I did was make it worse. The more I backed off the easier it was for her to move forward.

I've become quite fine with my wife's poly nature and what is making that easier for me is her willingness to not do anything romantic or sexual with someone again until we have worked out an arrangement that suits us both rather than trying to sort of the basics when she is in NRE.

Perhaps you can ask him to stop seeing this woman for now and spend time working out what both of you want now and for the future. If your Boyfriend is willing to back off from what he wants and focuses on what you need to make it happen, you might be able to move forward with it. But only if you want to. Like many have said, it is also perfectly Ok if this is not what you are willing to have in your life.

Hope my two cents worth helps.

 

[Magdlyn]

I am going to paraphrase your post a little.

I'm sure there are many paths to discovering one is poly, however, I also wonder at times whether ''polyamorous'' gets used as a nicer way of saying, ''I want to have sex with another, or others." It's sort of a more palatable way of asking for permission, or excusing some level of cheating.

One of the hardest conversations a couple will ever have is when one says, ''Honey, I love you, but I want to be free to have sex with other people." The response might likely be, ''No way!"

Saying ''Honey, I love you, but I have discovered I am polyamorous," sounds a lot safer to the relationship, as in, ''I can't help this, it is who I am at the core." It might be more likely to cause the other person to think they can't say no, or they risk squashing the now revealed "authentic self" of their spouse.

I quite disagree with that. People are only using the "polyamorous" word now, because it's trendy. It sounds less shallow, nowadays, than just saying, "I want to sleep around." Prior to this millennia, swinging, free love (which usually meant sex), and just dating and having sex with whoever you want, was much more common.

Since oral contraceptives were invented, and diaphragms and safe IUDs become available to all (at least in the Western world), and not just to married women, and men became more willing to use condoms, we have all been able to have sex much more freely, with a good degree of safety from STDs and pregnancy. But marriage was still always seen as a goal. Monogamy was ideal, but if you really wanted sex with multiple people, you could swing, while always "putting the marriage first." Hence, the "No falling in love!" rule that is so common with swingers, even today.

But having been practicing polyamory, and not being a swinger, and not being monogamous with my live-in partner, and dating using dating sites for over 10 years, I have definitely run into hundreds of men who think they are good dating partners for me, because they do not understand polyamory.

They might actually be looking for a wife, but want to fuck me until they find Ms Right. They might think I am just a slut who will fuck anyone. They often think they can have sex with both me and my gf/life partner, to fulfill their FMF fantasy. It's quite annoying.

We need to keep putting the correct information out there.

(Speaking for myself, I owned up to my wandering eye many years ago, and to my desire to experience other women, as nothing more than that. I was getting on, and wanted to have some outside fun. I have never been monogamous in my head; I have never been polyamorous either. Once we established an open relationship, we knew very early on that Minxi was polyamorous, if sex [with others] was to be in the air).

Polyamory seems to legitimize some level of outside interest to society, in my opinion. For example, If Minxi told her family I just liked to have sex with other women, the reaction would be very different than if she fibbed and told them I was polyamorous. Sex says "bad man," poly says "built that way," almost like an orientation.

Again, up until just recently, a man who wanted to sow his oats and fuck as many women as possible, was lauded and applauded in our culture. "Boys will be boys," women told each other. "Just wait it out, he'll be back," we said. "Keep yourself looking good, honey, keep a nice house and cook good food, be a good mother to his children. He will get it out of his system and be back."

A guy would say, "But she meant nothing to me baby, it was just sex," and, most of the time, be accepted back. (Divorce was a huge scandal and to be avoided at all costs!!!) But if he fell in love with another woman, that was seen as much more tragic. It threatened the holy institution of marriage much much more, and indeed threatened our whole social fabric.

Think about it. What was seen as worse? A guy who had a string of casual relationships with "sluts," or a guy who had a secret "second wife," and maybe even fathered some children?

My wife and I were monogamous for 11 of our 14 years together. We never discussed non monogamy until 3 years ago, when I asked to open the relationship for sex with others (polysexuality, not polyamory).

It was very hard for my wife Minxi to deal with, and we took 3 years to get to the destination. The golden rule was baby steps at HER PACE, not mine. We looked at all the pitfalls we could think of BEFORE doing anything. Minxi's first polyamorous experience, on the other hand, happened rapidly and BEFORE we were prepared for what happened, and it was bloody hard. Now she is seeing no one and we are doing all our homework and such before NRE comes back.

I pushed too hard for my wants at that time, and all I did was make it worse. The more I backed off, the easier it was for her to move forward.

I've become quite fine with Minxi's poly nature. What is making that easier for me is her willingness to not do anything romantic or sexual with someone again until we have worked out an arrangement that suits us both, rather than trying to sort out the basics when she is experiencing NRE.

Perhaps you can ask him to stop seeing this woman for now, and spend time working out what both of you want now, and for the future. If your boyfriend is willing to back off from what he wants and focus on what you need to make it happen, you might be able to move forward with it. But only do it if you want to.

 

[apexcone]

Wise responses from some good people. I'm afraid you guy sounds sounds like a bum. Time to either face him up with it or walk.