Relationship Hell

L

LostandConfused23

New member
I am currently a third to my two married partners. This relationship has been a rollercoaster to say the least. My partners have been married for many years (10+). In the beginning things were great, but I noticed that some things seemed off about my female partner. The longer we all have been together it became very clear that there were major relationship issues between the both of them and that they were caused due to the female partner’s mental illness. The more things have progressed it has spilled over into our poly relationship too. It has gotten so bad that she tries to control the entire relationship and talking to her is nearly impossible. I understand that jealousy is normal and that fights happen, but this isn’t that at all. It ties into her mental illness issues that she refuses to seek help for. This puts a strain obviously on the entire relationship. I don’t want to leave them, but I am feeling as though no one can freely be themselves (including the kids) without my female partner’s issues creating so much pain/hurt. What would be a safe way to broach this conversation with her? Should I try having the conversation at all? I think at this point I am just feeling rather alone and don’t want to burden my male partner with this because I know he is feeling the impact of her instability as well. Any advice/help would be greatly appreciated.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

People with mental health stuff are not bad people just because they have mental health stuff. That said? I have a personal boundary. "I will not hang about a person who is not doing their management plan."

I am too full with my own anxiety management and then the dementia elders I have to look out for to take on MORE mental health people in close proximity to me, esp unmanaged ones. I am full.

So I think you could have the talk. Tell her you notice her going unmanaged. And you experience pain and hurt. And see others in the family hurting. Ask her if she's willing to seek health care and make her patient care plan with her doctor and then do it. Whatever it is -- therapy, meds, etc.

If she's doing her patient care plan? Has a slip here and there? Alright. Slips happen. You can forgive because she gets back to the plan. You see she is trying.

But if she is doing nothing for herself and her health care? While making life painful and hurtful for everyone else?

You may have to choose to walk away so you have less pain/hurt. You don't have to keep standing there like you are her punching bag.

You have to be able to say "I love you a whole lot, but not even for you will I keep me in things that are hurting me."

Galagirl
 
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Thank you for the advice.

She isn’t currently in treatment or taking meds. She has been diagnosed, but refuses to accept it. I have thought of an intervention type conversation, but honestly...terrified of living under the same roof dealing with the aftermath if it goes badly. I might suggest the treatment plan conversation with my male partner and see if we can’t both sit down with her.
 
LostandConfused23 said:
Thank you for the advice.

She isn’t currently in treatment or taking meds. She has been diagnosed, but refuses to accept it. I have thought of an intervention type conversation, but honestly... I'm terrified of living under the same roof dealing with the aftermath if it goes badly.

I might suggest the treatment plan conversation with my male partner and see if we can’t both sit down with her.
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Sounds like a good plan. Do it. If it doesn't go well, and she acts out? Your safest bet is to walk away. I hope you're not already cohabiting.

Polyamory takes a certain degree of maturity, and healthy clear communication, respect, etc. Well, any good relationship does. If she can't even handle the husband and kids, having another lover in the mix is way out of her zone.

Try not to endanger yourself because you have soft feelings remembering the first few romantic months/weeks/whatever. That seems like it was an illusion.
 
LostandConfused23 said:
Thank you for the advice.

She isn’t currently in treatment or taking meds. She has been diagnosed, but refuses to accept it. I have thought of an intervention type conversation, but honestly...terrified of living under the same roof dealing with the aftermath if it goes badly. I might suggest the treatment plan conversation with my male partner and see if we can’t both sit down with her.
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An intervention type plan sounds good; I'd start with having a one on one with your male partner first. Talk about it, heart to heart, and what's going on.

The treatment plan idea is a good one for sure.

If she doesn't do something to help herself, walking away may be the safest bet.
 
ElMango said:
An intervention type plan sounds good; I'd start with having a one on one with your male partner first. Talk about it, heart to heart, and what's going on.

The treatment plan idea is a good one for sure.

If she doesn't do something to help herself, walking away may be the safest bet.
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I have discussed things with my male partner this morning. His concerns are that she may feel ganged up on and not be able to receive the information no matter how gently or thoughtfully we tried to discuss it with her. I’ll be honest and say that it breaks my heart if I do have to leave not only because I love them both, but especially because my male partner has done absolutely nothing wrong. I am also going to start going to a support group for family members/loved ones with this type of illness and see if I can’t get some advice on how to handle this particular situation.
 
LostandConfused23 said:
I have discussed things with my male partner this morning. His concerns are that she may feel ganged up on and not be able to receive the information no matter how gently or thoughtfully we tried to discuss it with her.
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So if that is his intuition, he can handle it himself. Although I'm thinking they are stuck in their roles of ill patient and enabler, so I wouldn't hold my breath.

I’ll be honest and say that it breaks my heart if I do have to leave, not only because I love them both, but especially because my male partner has done absolutely nothing wrong. I am also going to start going to a support group for family members/loved ones with this type of illness and see if I can’t get some advice on how to handle this particular situation.
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Your male partner has probably "done something wrong," hon. He's living with a mentally ill person who sounds (at least borderline) abusive to him and to their innocent children. He could get some professional help himself, to see what can be done in their dynamic.

I have no idea what would lead a couple like this to think they can handle polyamory.

You could walk away... take a break. I'd like to suggest remaining in relationship with him, but not her. But that would probably be disastrous for their home life.

I understand it really hurts. It hurts very much to dearly love a mentally ill person whose illness isn't well managed. People like this can have a very sweet funny lovable side, as well as that irrational almost demonic side. Sucks for their loved ones for sure.
 
LostandConfused23 said:
I’m not the same person, but those behaviors sound incredibly familiar. I don’t like diagnosing others because that is not healthy to do, but it does sound to me as though there might be more going on with her individually.
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My meta has a diagnosis as well as meds. But due to the high cost for them & her thinking she has a handle on her anxiety/panic episodes. What had happened over the weekend was going to happen sooner of later.
 
Hello LostandConfused23,

I think you should start by having your male partner talk to your female partner without you being present. Then, if that doesn't work, stage an intervention. The goal here is to convince her to get treatment for her mental illness. Therapy, meds, probably both. This needs to happen for the sake of the kids, as well as for all three adults. If the intervention fails, I'd suggest that your male partner should divorce your female partner, and separate himself and the kids from her. I hope it doesn't come to that but. :(

I hope the situation improves, that sounds awful.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
Hopefully you are not living there. If the intervention conversation goes poorly? Def do not move in. Maintain your own space.

You attending support group is a good idea.

She has been diagnosed, but refuses to accept it.
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Refuses? Or unable? Among his many dx, my father has anosognosia. A condition where the patient cannot see that they are ill.

In the end? The married spouse may have more options than you, in the sense of involuntary hospitalization and being legal next of kin. He will have to investigate his option for how to get the spouse care. It's not fun. It can feel like you are "betraying" the person somehow but really?

If things are bad? And there's kids to boot? NOT doing anything is bad too. :(

I hope you all get help. It sounds like a tough situation to be in. :(

Galagirl
 
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