davidisfun67
Active member
Good morning all, just a quick question, how long has everyones polyamory relationship been going. Or how long does most relationship last?
Relationship lengths
- Thread starter davidisfun67
- Start date
Good afternoon!
You ask about "polyamory relationship," but if you're polyamorous, generally the goal is to have more than one relationship.
The lengths of my relationships, and my partners' other relationships, are in my sig line.
16 years with Pixi
4 years with Aries; our anniversary is today
Pixi and Malachi, 8 years
Aries and Sadie, 1 year
It would be impossible for me to say how long "most relationships" last. Like monoamorous ones, it varies widely.
I've been in many relationships that only lasted a few months to two years. But I consider that "dating," where you have to wait and see if you're just initially compatible, or long-term compatible.
davidisfun67
Active member
That makes great sense to me, thank you for letting me know, I am in a dating status right now. And I have other dreams in my life. And I like dating her, just not sure how long it could last. And I feel maybe I'm not doing this right. And everything is so new to me.
My two primary relationships are in my signature, but since I've been on this site, I've had a variety of shorter relationships (5 months, 11 months) and a lot more that have never moved past friends with benefits (I love my friends deeply, but I do not entangle my life with them) and most are still are friends, although currently I'm not engaging in said benefits (sex) with them at this time. I could if I wanted to, but my sex drive has tanked in perimenopause. I tend to ascribe to the "reason, season, lifetime" model of relationships. I have and have had a number of lifetime friendships (their lifetime, not mine), and I am currently deliberately working on my two primary relationships to aim towards lifetime (mine and theirs, I hope). But sometimes, someone comes into your life for a shorter time, and then departs again. I don't consider those failures. Once I've healed and have a little more perspective, I look at what I have taken from that experience. How has it helped me become who I am today? Was there a clear reason for it? What have I learned about myself? What might I do differently in the future (better boundaries!).
If you feel you aren't doing "this right" - examine your beliefs about what "this" and "right" mean to you. Do they mean the same thing to your dating person, or do you need to find some compromises? Will those compromises be good for you? Or will they mean you're trying to fit yourself in a box that isn't right for you? To my mind, the only thing that you can do that is actually wrong is stay stuck in a situation that is harming yourself or your dating person. Stuck being the keyword. You can move out of being stuck together, or you can move out of being stuck by walking away. I generally try the former first, but sometimes you just have to know when to leave.
If you feel you aren't doing "this right" - examine your beliefs about what "this" and "right" mean to you. Do they mean the same thing to your dating person, or do you need to find some compromises? Will those compromises be good for you? Or will they mean you're trying to fit yourself in a box that isn't right for you? To my mind, the only thing that you can do that is actually wrong is stay stuck in a situation that is harming yourself or your dating person. Stuck being the keyword. You can move out of being stuck together, or you can move out of being stuck by walking away. I generally try the former first, but sometimes you just have to know when to leave.
Hey Kevin, are you still communicating with Roxanne?
Roxanne and I are still friends, and communicate once in a while, but the romantic part kind of fizzled. The long distance was probably the main reason, plus I think she tends to back away from romance after a while. I don't mean to speak badly of her, everyone has their own quirks and that is okay. Overall, my romance with her lasted a few months. It was super nice while it lasted, and I have no regrets.
davidisfun67
Active member
I want to thank you all for helping me with polyamory things, it put a better insight to what I am thinking and wondering about
For me, because I tend to feel poly during times of life-transitions, my poly/open r'ships have historically maxed out around 2-and-a-half to 3 years. After the NRE winds down, I start to want something more than I feel poly/open offers. Or, their NRE for me winds down, their attention shifts to someone else, and I don't adapt well to the change in dynamics.
In my early 20's, I was seeing a guy, we both met a girl in our friend group, we became a "throuple" that was also part of a much larger polycule. We were together almost 2 years. The guy and girl got married a few months after I left them (I had started feeling secondary) and they are still together 30 years later!! Of course I have no idea if they are still poly....
Later, I had smaller, shorter MMF and MFM polycules lasting 8 months to a year. I married one of those guys and we were monogamous for over a decade.
One of my post-divorce open r'ships (FF) was 2+ years on-and-off, though we only had casual sex once or twice with others.
I got serious with a poly person for the last time in the years around me turning 50. We lasted just short of 3 years, falling apart when he got serious about a secondary as I was longing for long-term monogamy.
I personally know one MF couple and a few MM couples who have successfully practiced hierarchical ENM long-term (where they have casual sex with others together or separately.) We're talking 20+ year marriages/relationships. But I don't personally know anyone in a long-term poly r'ship.
In my early 20's, I was seeing a guy, we both met a girl in our friend group, we became a "throuple" that was also part of a much larger polycule. We were together almost 2 years. The guy and girl got married a few months after I left them (I had started feeling secondary) and they are still together 30 years later!! Of course I have no idea if they are still poly....
Later, I had smaller, shorter MMF and MFM polycules lasting 8 months to a year. I married one of those guys and we were monogamous for over a decade.
One of my post-divorce open r'ships (FF) was 2+ years on-and-off, though we only had casual sex once or twice with others.
I got serious with a poly person for the last time in the years around me turning 50. We lasted just short of 3 years, falling apart when he got serious about a secondary as I was longing for long-term monogamy.
I personally know one MF couple and a few MM couples who have successfully practiced hierarchical ENM long-term (where they have casual sex with others together or separately.) We're talking 20+ year marriages/relationships. But I don't personally know anyone in a long-term poly r'ship.
Jeambo
New member
My last relationship lasted 10 years, 3 yrs mono + 4 yrs OR + 3 yrs poly (since when I finally knew the idea of poly).
In fact it's not ten yet. It's nine and three quarters years. We had a lot of talk about whether to break up or not, and finally decide to do it before the ten year anniversary.
When I was in that relationship I feel the length is really important, and I was really proud of having a "long and stable" boyfriend (in China it's hard to maintain a long relationship for gay people, because there are too many disruptive factors everywhere).
But now I try to forget the length, and feel the relationship itself, to feel what I can get and give in the relationship. A short but spendid one is great, a long and peaceful one is also good. Forget about the destination, just see where it goes naturally
In fact it's not ten yet. It's nine and three quarters years. We had a lot of talk about whether to break up or not, and finally decide to do it before the ten year anniversary.
When I was in that relationship I feel the length is really important, and I was really proud of having a "long and stable" boyfriend (in China it's hard to maintain a long relationship for gay people, because there are too many disruptive factors everywhere).
But now I try to forget the length, and feel the relationship itself, to feel what I can get and give in the relationship. A short but spendid one is great, a long and peaceful one is also good. Forget about the destination, just see where it goes naturally
davidisfun67
Active member
Thank you, that was amazing, and I felt it in my heartMy last relationship lasted 10 years, 3 yrs mono + 4 yrs OR + 3 yrs poly (since when I finally knew the idea of poly).
In fact it's not ten yet. It's nine and three quarters years. We had a lot of talk about whether to break up or not, and finally decide to do it before the ten year anniversary.
When I was in that relationship I feel the length is really important, and I was really proud of having a "long and stable" boyfriend (in China it's hard to maintain a long relationship for gay people, because there are too many disruptive factors everywhere).
But now I try to forget the length, and feel the relationship itself, to feel what I can get and give in the relationship. A short but spendid one is great, a long and peaceful one is also good. Forget about the destination, just see where it goes naturally
LaminarFlow
Well-known member
Have two partners that I'm in relationship with for almost a decade and one partner since 2023. In between I had a handful of relationships that didn't work out because of incompatibility.
Relationships will last how long YOU want it to last. It also depends what you are looking for and if the other person you are dating is looking for the same thing.
Relationships will last how long YOU want it to last. It also depends what you are looking for and if the other person you are dating is looking for the same thing.
SlowPoly
Active member
Been with Woof since 1994 and with Mitch since 2009 (or off and on since 1988, depending how you count). Nested with one or both (separately) for 30 years now. There were a couple of very short and shallower relationships along the way. And one intimate friendship that deepened and grew over … maybe 15 years? … but ended with his death before our ideas of growing old together could be enjoyed or disappointed.
Longevity in a relationship can definitely come with perks. But what matters, and what we really *have* in relationships, is the day-to-day love.
Longevity in a relationship can definitely come with perks. But what matters, and what we really *have* in relationships, is the day-to-day love.
davidisfun67
Active member
Thank you all for sharing you experience. I am learning a lot from you all