Relationship Structure Changed Without Consent

M

MBgirl

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My husband and I have been married for about 4 years, and accidentally fell into poly last year. It was a good accident at first, but he and I didn't have a healthy enough relationship to support it long term.
I ended up leaving him in April, to be with my boyfriend exclusively, and my husband was with his girlfriend. By June I came to my senses and realized what an NRE junkie I was, and that my new relationship was based on NRE. When hubby and I got back together, I thought we would still be practicing the primary/secondary form of poly; we had a conversation saying we would choose each other if the poly lifestyle wasn't working.

Hubby now says he never said that. That his girlfriend is equal to me. I am supposed to support every choice he makes without batting an eye. I have done well splitting time, supporting him in having her involved in our family, trying my best to support him, when he and her go away for a week and a half on vacation next month, etc.

He and I took a 3 day long trip this weekend during which we finally had time to reconnect and reestablish our relationship and it was beautiful. But after dropping him off at his girlfriends house, I completely fell apart. I know I cannot continue this structure. I know it is breaking me. When things like having a baby are things that have to be discussed as a group, I cannot handle it. I could barely handle being away from him last night.
And it wasn't him being away for the night, or him loving her, but the overall knowledge that I am not first anymore. Having trouble feeling like his wife, despite his efforts and lots of conversations about it.

My anxiety is out of control. And asking to have the structure of our poly relationship go back to the way it used to be isn't an option. He will look at it as choosing, and will leave me if I do, as that wouldn't be supporting him or his happiness. The only option I can see that supports my mental health is leaving him. I am at a loss and could use insight.
 
Unfortunately arrangements set out ahead of time like primary/secondary work fine until they don't for someone. He's sending you a pretty strong message that he won't accept the primary/secondary model. It's up to you if you chose to stay in a structure that isn't working for you. There isn't anything you can do to change him (or anyone else). All any of us can do is to make the best choices we can for our own mental health.
 
My heart breaks for you. I'm sorry you're going through this.

But gently put...no doubt it hurt the girlfriend, too, to know she was never first, to know all her life decisions had to be discussed and approved by someone else, too?

You and DH broke up. It would hardly be fair to put her back on the back burner now because you changed your mind. She's a human being, too.

This is the price of poly....the price of admission, so to speak.

Best of luck to you.
 
Sparklepie - The hardest part of poly is everyone’s mental health affects everyone. If I can't handle it; gracefully stepping out of the picture is probably the most respectful thing I can do for those involved.

WhatHappened - I hardly want his girlfriend to be put on the back burner; I am supporting and encouraging their relationship in ways I was never able to prior; time is split equally, respect is given, and I am pushing my comfort zone in many hard and trying ways. But when my husband says that she needs to feel equal, and at the same time that she will never feel equal, because he and I are married, I don't know what to think.
I am well aware I am the one who left, but she also was aware the whole time I was gone that my husband wanted to get back together with me. Her long term goal is for us all to live together in a house, which I could never emotionally cope with. Yet when trying to compromise, and asking questions about why a house across the street wouldn’t suffice, as to be able to maintain some level of privacy, I apparently become the bad guy, not willing to compromise. My husband doesn’t want to lose either of us, but it is apparent that he is going to, as she isn’t coping with things any better than I am. It feels like an awful game of chicken to see which of us gives up on the relationship first; her or me.
 
Fair enough that you don't want her on the back burner and are allowing her more than she's ever had before.

It doesn't seem hard (to me) at all to understand that 1. she wants to feel equal, and 2. she never will as long as you're married to him, because she obviously is not equal as long as she's the girlfriend and you're the wife...as long as she's expected to live across the street while you get the house with him.

I'm not trying to be cruel, but don't you see that it is NOT equal? If a house across the street is just as good, would you consider being the one to live in that house while she owns and lives in the house with him?

And if wife/girlfriend are equal, would you consider switching places and being the girlfriend while she gets the legal marriage? Could you maybe switch every 5 years?

Yes, it is an awful game of chicken.
 
I appreciate the constructive criticism. Across the board, I am looking for whatever input I can get.

The equality piece absolutely makes sense. I want her to feel as equal as possible. I am trying to process if there are ways to make true equality occur, and if there is, if my mental health can handle whatever those options may be.

But being that my husband and I are married, and have been since far before she started seeing him, I don't know what my place should be to help ease her mind with that equality portion. Am I supposed to divorce my husband so she doesn't feel unequal to me? She doesn’t even agree with or want marriage for herself. It is a confusing position.

In regards to the living situation, time, as it is being evenly split right now, would be no different if she lived in a house across the street. It would just be far easier for them to see each other, since they currently live an hour apart. My husband’s legal address is our home, but he has an equal number of belongings at her place and considers it his home as much as ours. The concern is not where he spends his time or how much time, but that I appreciate my privacy, and couldn’t support every one living in the same house. If that is her deal breaker, I don't know how to handle that. Not to mention she has a boyfriend, who also has another partner. A situation where 6 different people all reside in the same place, and can be a family together, is idealistic, but not necessarily sustainable. I do know she has seen success with that sort of living situation working with her boyfriend, and his partner, and probably assumes it would be possible to add in more partners.

On another note, my husband also has kids, not by me, and even if I could become comfortable with everyone living together, if either of his children’s mother's found out about our relationship style, they would fight in court to get what little visitation he has with them, taken away. A living situation where everyone lives together couldn’t even occur until after both children are out of the house.

It's a very difficult place to process everything when some parts of her feeling unequal are out of my control. And that my husband miscommunicated to her and I, what his expectations were when he and I got back together. I am trying desperately to put the pieces together, and find a balance for everyone; a place where I can still feel like my husband’s wife is some ways, and she can have her own very special things with him too. Again, since the new dyanmic was never even discussed until after hubby and I had been back together for a few weeks, I am still processing if the dynamic is even ok for me.
 
MBgirl said:
Am I supposed to divorce my husband so she doesn't feel unequal to me? She doesn’t even agree with or want marriage for herself.
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Have you considered divorce? If you're considering leaving him anyway, what's the difference whether you divorce him before deciding to leave him or after, if it actually is the final step of giving in to full equality, and you're either on a path to that or leaving him?

If being married to him is the thing that makes you feel special as his wife *and* the thing that makes her feel unequal, then your need to feel special (unequal) is incompatible with her need to feel equal, at least as long as you're both in relationships with the same person. If you're sure he won't leave her if you reject being co-primary, and you are thinking you can't abide the co-primary dynamic, you could push it to the extreme of equality (by divorcing), and have a much easier exit (having already divorced) if you conclude this co-primary poly situation really isn't for you. Not saying you should. But you could.

All of your concerns about cohabiting sound reasonable to me, and living literally across the street from each other seems like a good compromise for someone who wants to be very close but not cohabiting.
 
SlowPoly said:
All of your concerns about cohabiting sound reasonable to me, and living literally across the street from each other seems like a good compromise for someone who wants to be very close but not cohabiting.
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I agree with this. Cohabiting is not a step to be taken lightly. Me and my partners live in a duplex (each guy has his own apartment), and that could be a possibility to think about, too. In our case we operate a lot like one family under one roof despite the two apartments, but this arrangement provides all the privacy any of us might need in the future. No need to share a kitchen, for example. For many people kitchen is a private area not easily shared with a new person.

Also, I have to say that SlowPoly's thoughts about divorce are worth considering. She knows what she is talking about :)
 
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I am so sorry you struggle. To agree to one model an then change without all participants on board is not cool. That said...

Could any of these help?


http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/models-of-open-relationships

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell


http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/poly-living-styles-should-we-all-live-together

Would her living in his legal residence help her feel equal, since you have legal marriage? You stay put, he splits his time between the houses, and changes his legal residence to the other place across the street? You could ask that.

Would you be willing to end the marriage to level the playing field? And since you incline there, make it easier to leave? Separate all finances now? Then if you stay, it is because you want to, not because you have to. You could consider that.

It is ok for you to say "no" to cohabiting. Not everyone gets along as roomies. That is just life. Have you considered those two are wrapped up in their own NRE and it is blinding them to roomie realities?

In the end it up to you to determine what you are up for or not. To help you process that and support your mental health, have you considered counseling?

Galagirl
 
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MBgirl

I understand what you are going through. I am in a similar situation where the relationship I was in was changed without consent. I was the hinge in a co-primary poly relationship with my wife and my girlfriend, and now I am a secondary in a poly with my girlfriend and her new boyfriend. I am still married to my wife but she has pretty much abandoned the poly relationship altogether and sees this more as an open marriage again.

NRE can be a very powerful thing as I am finding out. I am actually talking to therapist who is part of a poly herself in order to cope with how (what I am hoping) my girlfriends NRE is affecting me.

I understand the anxiety and the pain you are feeling. My advice is to look over the links that Galagirl posted. The poly hell one helped me a little bit in that I realized what I am feeling isn't new, just new to me. Also, talk to a friend, or a couple friends, someone, anyone... don't keep the anxiety and emotions inside yourself.

It sucks what you are going through.. Supporting one you love to keep them from making that choice is one of the toughest things you can do. I feel for you and the pain you are experiencing. Posting here is a good start, there are some very knowledgeable and experienced people on this board. I wish I had found it back before I found myself in poly hell
 
Hi MBgirl,

So ... the poly chain you are in looks like this?

  • your boyfriend who is (still?) with
  • you -- who are married to
  • your husband -- who is also with
  • his girlfriend -- who also has
  • her own boyfriend -- who has
  • another partner.
That would make six adults. Am I getting that right? and, your husband has (two?) children from a previous marriage, and the children don't live with you, but he has visitation with them. Is that right?

What about the idea of all six adults pooling their resources to buy a very large house -- large enough so you would still have your privacy, your own bedroom with an attached bath and perhaps an attached kitchen?

Could your boyfriend be your primary partner?

I'm in a three-person V ... and my two companions are legally lawfully married to each other, so I should feel like a secondary, yet I am treated like a primary in every (other) way so, I don't feel like a secondary.

I think of relationships as, not so much that this person is on this level and that person is on that level, but more like, each dyad relationship is unique and you can't really compare which relationship is "superior." It would be like comparing a rainbow to a meal at a nice restaurant. Both are nice, you wouldn't want to skip either of them.

Could you come to an agreement to just not talk about whether this or that person is primary or secondary? to not think of the relationships in those terms? to just know that each relationship is special and unique and irreplaceable?

You have a special relationship as a husband and wife. That can't be duplicated.

I know you are thinking about breaking up with your husband, but just try and think if there are any creative alternatives. And maybe you'll decide you're just not compatible anymore, and that's okay too, but it's just kind of sad.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
And building on kdt's question:

Of these six people, who currently lives with whom?

Does your husband's girlfriend live with her other boyfriend? Does her other boyfriend live with his other girlfriend???
 
Wow. You left him and you still expect to be first? I'm honestly surprised he's willing to even take you on an equal level to the girlfriend.
 
You Don't have to allow her to move in with you. A good compromise is your husband stay part of the week with her. There is no way I would live with a metamore or even live nearby as another poster suggested. HE is the one in the relationship with her, not you. You don't have to have anything to do with her if you Don't want to.
 
And quite honestly if she tried to push herself into my life and husband isn't respectful of my needs for separation I would leave. It just doesn't seem like this situation is going to get better if she's being pushy and he's allowing her to. You made the mistake of breaking up with him for 2 months which unfortunately changed the game. She was the primary and you entered into a relationship with him. You don't have thw right to demand that it goes back to you being primary and her secondary. If you can't handle being a co primary then maybe you should leave.
 
Inyourendo said:
And quite honestly if she tried to push herself into my life and husband isn't respectful of my needs for separation I would leave
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Do we know for a fact that the girlfriend IS pushing? She may simply have offered them living together, thinking it was a way to make a peace offering? It might have been a suggestion instigated by the husband?

I offered to be in a sexual triad with my partner and his wife. I didn't do it because I really wanted it, but because I thought that might make her like me more. She interpreted it as me being pushy as well, and demanding a relationship with her which she didn't want. When in all honestly, I did it at the suggestion of my partner, who thought it would be a good way to bring us closer together (horrible idea, but he had the best intentions and would never have forced her into it against her desire).

I mean, okay, he and I made a mistake. But we didn't do it maliciously, and the girlfriend truly may mean well, too. We don't know.
 
Candiedlove said:
Do we know for a fact that the girlfriend IS pushing? She may simply have offered them living together, thinking it was a way to make a peace offering? It might have been a suggestion instigated by the husband?

I offered to be in a sexual triad with my partner and his wife. I didn't do it because I really wanted it, but because I thought that might make her like me more. She interpreted it as me being pushy as well, and demanding a relationship with her which she didn't want. When in all honestly, I did it at the suggestion of my partner, who thought it would be a good way to bring us closer together (horrible idea, but he had the best intentions and would never have forced her into it against her desire).

I mean, okay, he and I made a mistake. But we didn't do it maliciously, and the girlfriend truly may mean well, too. We don't know.
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Doesn't sound like it to me



"Her long term goal is for us all to live together in a house, which I could never emotionally cope with. Yet when trying to compromise, and asking questions about why a house across the street wouldn’t suffice, as to be able to maintain some level of privacy, I apparently become the bad guy, not willing to compromise"

Sounds like gf wants what gf wants, which is to live with the OP's husband full time
 
1650

Thanks to everyone for their thoughtful responses, ideas, and input. It has given a lot of food for thought.

To answer a few questions, hubby's gf isn't being pushy per say, but has said if the future doesn't involve us all living together, she can't handle it. When my husband and I talked about us all living together, I was initially not receptive to the idea at all. When I brought up the compromise of living across the street from one another so we could all be closer, I was told by my husband it wasn't a compromise because I came up with it... not sure I agree with that thought process, but it is what it is.

The girlfriend currently lives with her bf, and his gf, and since it works out for the three of them, I can see why she has it in her head that it is a good structure. Poly = family to her. I personally, don't even like having roommates, and I cannot get over the lack of privacy. Then throw my husband’s children into the equation, and it isn’t even a possibility at this point in time.

A lot of you brought up fantastic alternatives to outright living together though.

kdt26417 - Yes, you have the relationship chain correct. My boyfriend could be my primary partner. Haven’t really considered it an option though.

Hubby and I do have a very special relationship and I do love him very much. He and I are seeing a therapist who specializes in poly. Hopefully she will help us work on some of these things. I am aware that since I left for 2 months (and for the record, by left, we still lived in my house, and still were friends, just not lovers) it did lead to re-structuring. I am most hurt that hubby didn't tell me these things when we got back together. He waited weeks to mention it. If he and I had spoken about it before getting back together, we may not have. Not that I regret that, it has just caused lots of stress and anxiety.
 
Your husband's GF already lives with her boyfriend and his other GF? But she wants to move out of that place and move in with your husband? With your husband AND you, or just with your husband? Was she planning on moving in with the two of you and bringing along her entourage, too?
 
MBgirl said:
Thanks to everyone for their thoughtful responses, ideas, and input. It has given a lot of food for thought.
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You're welcome! :)

MBgirl said:
To answer a few questions, hubby's gf isn't being pushy per say, but has said if the future doesn't involve us all living together, she can't handle it.
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And that's her perogative to say what she can and can't handle, much as it is yours. She's not saying you have to do what she wants, and even if she did? That's her problem.

However, your husband has made it clear that's his preference. Now it's up to you to decide whether you want to join in on those terms, or move on. It's a harsh decision, I realize, but ultimately you cannot make them do what they don't want to do.

I will say this: Poly=family is a concept I hold strongly to. My partner and I both feel that any serious relationships MUST be part of our family (that does not mean they have to be romantic/sexual with both). But it does mean that in order to get any significant amount of time with either, they really have to be part of our lives (for example, Saturday mornings are spent with him, me, and kids. Not negotiable).

I think it's possible to do network style poly vs. family style, but it can be very hard to reconcile the two.

Maybe you could live in a separate house, to maintain privacy...and then join the poly house when you want to?
 
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