Relatively New to ENM: Finding Other People Attractive?

U

unconventionalmono

New member
Hey everyone,

I wanted to reach out to this community for some advice and maybe even a bit of encouragement.

Apologies in advanced if this has been multiple times, but I still struggle with this issue.

I (cis person and straight, not that this is important to know, but maybe it is 🤷‍♂️?) have been together with my partner (let's call them Carrotcake) for 5+ years. We have been in an ENM relationship for a bit over two years. I have always been the monogamous person in our relationship, but never had an issue with my partner seeing other people. I'm really happy that they have the freedom to explore connections outside of our relationship. However, I've recently realized that I too would like to explore connections with others. This has in turn led me to start looking into some dating apps.

My issue now is that I find it difficult to feel excited about the possibility to meet new potential partners. So what I'm wondering is how long it takes for someone to truly open up to the idea of finding more people attractive, after being the monogamous person in a relationship for so long. Has anyone else experienced a similar transition? How did you navigate this shift in mindset and begin to feel more comfortable exploring connections with others?

Have a great day and week!
 
You would like to explore others, but yet, you're not excited about doing so. Why are you interested in it, then? Just to have something to do when your partner is away? Just to create some "balance," or "fairness"?
 
Magdlyn said:
You would like to explore others, but yet, you're not excited about doing so. Why are you interested in it, then? Just to have something to do when your partner is away? Just to create some "balance," or "fairness"?
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I am mostly curious, but also open to become potentially a more poly person myself. I have no problem of being alone while my partner is away and I don't this a "balance" or a "fairness" thing.
 
So you're just casually curious about practicing poly for yourself. Why are you curious?

I don't think there is any set time to go from curious to excited. Maybe you're just a chill person. And in your case, trying poly is a choice you want to make. For others, like myself, it who I am. I am inevitably drawn to loving more than one. So I was VERY excited to do so when I finally got to a point in my life where I felt free to do it (without feeling like a bad person, a horrible disloyal slut, etc.).

I guess one can go into polyamory just mildly curious about it. If you're not excited though, you might get turned off to it quick. Dating is hard, full of potholes and roadblocks, pleasure, but also rejection, frustration, downright pain.
 
To add what Mags said, you also might not have so many pitfalls because you aren't desperate to find a partner.

Women get TONS of matches. Weeding through them and eliminating them one-by-one is work, but so much easier when you have your full faculties. Accept that almost all will be duds, but when you meet the one worth your time you might be pleasantly surprised at the attraction that comes.

Don’t try to find a partner. Instead just try to meet cool and interesting people, without the pressure. True attraction is rare, poly or not, at least for me. I'm very attracted to personalities, so it takes time to see if there's attraction there or not. I could go out on 100 dates and only find 2 or 3 attractive and one worth dating. I'm not saying it will take you that many dates. My life partner was my third date after becoming poly. I have been on over 100 first dates since, and have only dated two of them. (I'm still dating one of those three years later.)

Just sit back and try to enjoy dating until you find someone worthy. It is work, and time-consuming, but worth it when you find someone special.
 
Hello unconventionalmono,

I think patience is the key here, also you might want to approach this in a different way. Rather than going straight out to start dating people, look into making platonic friendships first. Then in time, one or more friendships can evolve into something more. I mean this is just an idea, of something you could try, since you are having some difficulty getting excited about anyone so soon.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
My issue now is that I find it difficult to feel excited about the possibility to meet new potential partners.
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So maybe you don't go into it looking for a long-term partner. It's okay to go into it just seeking a nice date. Maybe that's a good enough toe in the water to start.

It could also be that you aren't into apps and online dating, and would prefer to meet people in person instead. You could join things -- be in a play, do a river clean up, start attending a knitting club, whatever it is you like. See if there's a poly meetup you could visit -- not looking for dates, but to start getting to know the poly community where you are.

Galagirl
 
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