Relatively new to poly.. need help because relationship is a disaster

Shaid

Shaid

New member
Hi, everyone here. I joined this board just a while ago to post about a pressing issue in my life. I have been in a poly relationship for just under a year now. Before meeting my partner, I had never been in one before and had been exclusively mono. To be perfectly honest, I had not even considered poly as an option in my life, but the partner I met is amazing and I fell in love with him. In my regular life I am quite open-minded, so I was not really concerned about poly at first.

However, the relationship has gone downhill very quickly due to events outside both mine and my partner's control. (In some ways, some of the issues are inside their control, but they are not quite sure how to manage them.) My partner is the hinge between me, a meta and the meta's several partners, some casual and one serious.

Due to circumstances and the volatile situation, I cannot say too much on the forum openly. I am not sure if it would be allowed, but perhaps someone might like to send me a private message to talk more? Posting details that could potentially be found by certain people could lead to me being placed in an unsafe situation, both physically and mentally, unfortunately. Bear in mind, it is quite complicated and difficult to explain. As a person not particularly versed in polyamory and what is normal I would especially appreciate advice and a listening ear from someone experienced.

TIA.
 
I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds rough.

I guess this is where you get to evaluate, "Is this a healthy relationship for me to be involved in? Is it harming me? How close do I want to be to all this?" because there's nothing special about polyamory. Yes, it's another type of relationship model, but it still needs to be HEALTHY, not some kind of harmful dynamic. You do not have to tolerate "volatile."

In case it helps you discern:


www.scarleteen.com

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.
www.scarleteen.com www.scarleteen.com

However, the relationship has gone downhill very quickly due to events outside both my and my partner's control.
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You might be new to poly, but you get to decide what you feel like putting up with or not in your relationships. If being here has become blah, or everything is going "downhill," it's okay for you to decide to bow out until the hinge gets their other situation(s) better in hand, if you want that. You could break up permanently, if you want that. You could move on to poly-dating someone else, if you want that. You could go back to monogamy, if you want that. The point is that YOU get to decide your next choices and how you want to handle things.

Nothing says you have to stay with the first poly-dating partner forever. As in monogamy, people don't have to stay with the first person they date forever.

Galagirl
 
GalaGirl said:
I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds rough.

I guess this is where you get to evaluate "Is this a healthy relationship for me to be involved in? Is it harming me? How close do I want to be to all this?" because there's nothing special about polyamory. Yes, it's another type of relationship model, but it still needs to be HEALTHY, not some kind of harmful dynamic. You do not have to tolerate "volatile."

In case it helps you discern:
Click to expand...

GalaGirl said:

www.scarleteen.com

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.
www.scarleteen.com www.scarleteen.com

You might be new to poly, but you get to decide what you feel like putting up with or not in your relationships. If being here has become blah or everything is going "downhill," it's okay for you to decide to bow out until the hinge gets their other situation(s) better in hand, if you want that. You could break up permanently, if you want that. You could move on to poly dating someone else, if you want that. You could go back to monogamy, if you want that. The point is that YOU get to decide your next choices and how you want to handle things.

Nothing says you have to stay with the first poly dating partner forever. As in monogamy -- people don't have to stay with the first person they date forever.
Click to expand...
Hello. The issue is not with the partner themselves, fortunately. They are everything you would want-- understanding, accepting kind, selfless, funny, intelligent, good in bed, attentive, loving, and affectionate. They have only a few bad traits. I am very much in love with them and have not felt a connection to nor have been treated this well before in other relationships. It's a situation where they feel like "the one," if that makes much sense.

Unfortunately, their other partner/my meta is not necessarily easy to get along with and has been - to put it diplomatically - extremely unkind to me and to my partner numerous times in the past. My partner cannot see the problem easily and is much too nice and forgiving to do much of anything at all to ease the situation, because it likely would upset the meta. I do not blame them (my partner) for the situation at all, but it is beyond stressful to deal with.
 
Parallel poly is a thing. You have no interaction with that other partner/your meta (except in case of emergency). That would reduce the opportunities drastically for them to be unkind to you.
 
Yeah, I would stop having any interaction or contact with your meta (your partner's partner) at all. Let your partner deal with that and you stay away from it.
 
Thank you for more info.

I am very much in love with them and have not felt a connection to, nor have been treated this well before in other relationships.
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"Better than past partners" is just "better than past partners." It doesn't automatically mean "treats me well and in healthy ways."

It's a situation where they feel like "the one," if that makes much sense.
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I believe there are "many right ones" out there. I just might not meet them all at once or at the right times. Life is long.
Unfortunately, their other partner/my meta is not necessarily easy to get along with and has been - to put it diplomatically - extremely unkind to me and to my partner numerous times in the past.
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Let's call your meta "Red," and your partner "Blue," just for ease of writing. If you want to use something else, I'm happy to go with what you pick.

Red is not easy to get along with. In the past, Red has been unkind to you, and also to Blue.

Blue is willing to put up with Red's unkind treatment of Blue, and Red's unkind treatment of you. Repeatedly.

This makes Blue a great and healthy partner for you HOW?

You don't have to hang out with Red or be in the same spaces any more. Decline.

You could tell Blue, "I'm not going to tell you who to date. But I don't want hear about Red any more. I just need to know your calendar for our dates, and safer sex basics/practices for maintaining my sex health if I share sex with you. Past that, it's TMI details. I'd rather you skip telling me. I don't care to know about new Red shenanigans."

You can go parallel poly and just not deal in Red. You aren't dating them. You're dating BLUE.

Even after you ask for changes in behavior, Blue might continue to overshare about Red. Well, you cannot choose who Blue dates. They can pick out wacky, if they want wacky. You DO have a say in who YOU date and who YOU allow close to you, so you could stop picking out Blue and be free of them all.

My partner cannot see the problem easily and is much too nice and forgiving to do much of anything at all to ease the situation, because it likely would upset the meta.
Click to expand...

You could give Blue these tools, if you want to:

https://rhntc.org/sites/default/files/resources/rhntc_hlthy_rlshp_wheel_spectrum_10-13-2022.pdf

www.scarleteen.com

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.
www.scarleteen.com www.scarleteen.com

You could say, "I don't like how Red behaves or how Red treats you. I don't know why you put up with poor behaviors. You could think about these assessment tools, because that dynamic doesn't seem healthy. I am going parallel and do not care to hear about Red anymore."


I do not blame my partner for the situation at all, but it is beyond stressful to deal with.
Click to expand...

Okay. But why are YOU keeping yourself here in this beyond stressful situation? Where is your limit of tolerance, or dealbreaker line?

It's okay for you to ask Blue for changes in their behavior. It's okay for you to step back and say, "Blue, I can't deal with this. It is beyond stressful. I'd like to date you, but not if you come with Red. Look me up again if you are ever free of them." And then bow out.

When all the choices stink, you pick the LEAST stinky choice. To me, it is breaking up with Blue, if they are not going to stop oversharing their problems with Red with you. You are not Blue's free therapist, or an emotional dumpster for them to unload in, feel better in the moment, and then go back for ANOTHER helping of Red wackiness. I can see where that might be good for Blue, so they can keep going with the Red wonky. I don't see how it is great for YOU. It sounds draining.

I think you need to be able to say, "I love you a lot. But NO, not even for you will I stay in stuff that hurts me. That's asking too much."

I encourage you to do your soul searching and figure out where your limit of tolerance lies.

Galagirl
 
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While oversharing on the internet about someone else's privacy is not a kind thing to do, if posting details could lead you into a physically unsafe situation, there is nothing normal about that.

We can't tell if there is abuse, mental illness, cheating, or something else/more of the above involved in the poly network, but whatever is going on, you are not obligated to help your new partner through it just because you fell in love and have been dating for a few months. You can distance yourself or run for the hills.

A broken heart is better than dealing with other people's dangerous messes for years.
 
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Hello Shaid,

If you want, you can send me a private message, and I will do my best to help. I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult situation, I hope things improve for you. It sounds like your partner is perfect for you in every way except for this one little thing -- your meta. Let's say your partner is kind to a fault, keeping this meta in his life in spite of the meta's terrible behavior. While this is not something your partner is doing to you directly, it does affect you. What are the chances you could change the circumstances so that you didn't have to encounter the meta anymore? so that your partner handled the meta, but you didn't have to deal with that? and maybe your partner could refrain from ever even mentioning the meta to you.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
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