Requesting Advice: STIs and Figuring Out My Own Boundaries (Please Help!)

strugglebus

New member
Hello all,
I've been having a bit of an internal dilemma and would really appreciate some advice and support. For context, my partner is considering hooking up with a new datemate, who has disclosed to her that they have HSV-2. Before having sex, my partner consulted me on my feelings about things, as we had never really discussed our boundaries regarding STI risk before. Now, I believe wholeheartedly and strongly that herpes is an overstigmatized infection with little-to-no serious health consequences for otherwise healthy individuals, and people with herpes should be able to have fulfilling sex lives without having to face shame for having a very common infection. I also believe that my partner should have the ultimate decision making power when it comes to her own sexual interactions. However, I have OCD that makes me have a very extreme amount of anxiety around medical things, and it has gotten much worse ever since a recent viral infection got me hospitalized for sepsis and nearly killed me. In recent weeks I have sometimes found it difficult to even be in the same room as other people, so the thought of risking another infection makes me very emotional. The rational part of my brain wants to tell my partner that I'm okay with anything so long as she communicates honestly and uses protection, but my OCD makes it very difficult to actually be comfortable with that, and the cognitive dissonance is tearing me apart. If anyone could offer advice on resolving this dissonance, or setting boundaries healthily, or just about anything really, I'd appreciate it a lot.

TL;DR: My partner wants to have sex with someone who has HSV-2. I want to support her in that decision rationally, but my OCD makes it very difficult to actually feel comfortable with it. What do I do?
 
For the record, I am also seeking treatment for my OCD, but for now it has a significant impact on my emotional health. I guess my main worry is that if I said I was okay with things, it might turn out later that I actually wasn't, and then all of a sudden I would be too anxious to have sex with my partner.
 
You sound like you have a healthy, rational foundation to all this and you're taking steps to address your OCD.

It's okay to decide that this is too much for you at this time. While exposure therapy has its benefits, from my understanding, the idea is not to create a situation of prolonged panic because that can be traumatic in itself.

How does your partner feel about all of this at this point? Like the potential of your OCD actually limiting who you can have in your proximity as a sexual partner?
 
Hello strugglebus,

I wonder if your partner would be willing to hold off on sex with her new datemate, until you have gotten some help for your OCD, and have got it under control. I assume you are seeing a therapist for it? someone who can prescribe medication for you in case you need it? I assume you have talked to your partner about the OCD, and that she understands your feelings and your dilemma. I would think she would be willing to wait at least for your OCD to get a little bit under control, perhaps that would take a few months.

Sorry you are going through this.
Kevin T.
 
You sound like you have a healthy, rational foundation to all this and you're taking steps to address your OCD.

It's okay to decide that this is too much for you at this time. While exposure therapy has its benefits, from my understanding, the idea is not to create a situation of prolonged panic because that can be traumatic in itself.

How does your partner feel about all of this at this point? Like the potential of your OCD actually limiting who you can have in your proximity as a sexual partner?
She has said that she would be a little disappointed, but that ultimately not having sex with one person is not a big deal. I don't know if she's thought about it in terms of the general pattern/limitations it would represent, so we will likely have to have a more in depth conversation at some point. I haven't wanted to bring it up again too soon after our last conversation since I kind of spiralled out of control emotionally last time and I think she found it kind of taxing.
 
Hello strugglebus,

I wonder if your partner would be willing to hold off on sex with her new datemate, until you have gotten some help for your OCD, and have got it under control. I assume you are seeing a therapist for it? someone who can prescribe medication for you in case you need it? I assume you have talked to your partner about the OCD, and that she understands your feelings and your dilemma. I would think she would be willing to wait at least for your OCD to get a little bit under control, perhaps that would take a few months.

Sorry you are going through this.
Kevin T.
I've just started to see a therapist about it and I asked her to at least wait until my session this week, so I can do some processing with the help of a professional before making any definitive decisions. I think what you're suggesting might be what I ultimately go for, but I've also been considering telling her that at the end of the day I'm pretty uncomfortable, so if she goes forward with having sex with this new person she should do so with an understanding of my current lack of control over my emotional responses to medical things — and so it would carry with it some risk that we would end up having to use protection with each other or abstain from sex for some time. At the end of the day I still don't want to be too in control of her sex life, but I also want to be honest with myself and with her about my emotional needs and struggles.

I do think that she would be willing to meet me where I'm at and make sacrifices for my emotional health, but I just can't help but feel a little bit like I'm letting her down I guess.

Also thank you for your supportive words!
 
I guess the heart of the matter is that we haven't really cemented any clear agreements on what we consider acceptable risk, and what expectations we have of each other when it comes to safer sex practices. For example, I have gotten tested after each new sexual partner, and she has not as of now. We're both relatively new to non-monogamy, and it has proven something of a learning process. I think I might be worried that this is something I care about more in general, though — like, in my ideal world we would only be having sex with people who actively know their STI status, for example.
 
I actually think it makes sense for two people to get STI tested before they have sex with each other, so I guess I side with your way of thinking in that respect. You do need to have an in-depth discussion with your partner about expectations around safe/r sex.
 
Just a suggestion because I don't think you explicitly mentioned this: do you and your partner use condoms with each other? If not, maybe doing so would make you feel better and lower your risk of infection?

I mention this because sometimes poly couples focus on having safer sex with new partners (always using condoms with new partners, for example), while never using barriers with each other. Sometimes it can feel like "downgrading" a long-term relationship to start using barriers...but it shouldn't feel that way...condoms do not need to have any emotional significance attached.

I don't know that that would actually help manage your OCD or if condoms are even helpful at preventing HSV (I claim no knowledge on this subject).

However, worth a thought maybe?
 
so if she goes forward with having sex with this new person she should do so with an understanding of my current lack of control over my emotional responses to medical things —
I read this and I thought well you'll just have to control yourself and have an appropriate emotional response. What do you mean? You'll punish her in some way if she goes through with it?!

But then you go on to say:
and so it would carry with it some risk that we would end up having to use protection with each other or abstain from sex for some time.
which is hardly an emotionally irrational response at all. Quite the opposite. This is you owning your shit, as the cool people might put it.

It feels like someone has gaslighted you into believing your perfectly rational behaviours are problematic.
 
Let's call your partner Day and her dating partner Cabbage. I'm guessing you're male (or at least have a penis which you use for sex) and Cabbage has a penis too. I also assume by protection, you mean condoms.

It sounds like you and Day are both having casual sex with multiple people. And Day has never been tested for STIs. So you are both running a great risk of catching a STI, even something more serious than herpes. You're also at extra risk for covid, etc., and whatever it was you got that got you hospitalized.

Most successful poly people do test before each new partner, and require their new partner to be tested too, before having sex. I'm surprised you have not set that boundary with Day: "I'm not having sex with you, much less be fluid bonded, until you and your new dating partner are both tested."

STIs can not show up for weeks after transmission, so getting tested before having sex is more useful than getting tested right after a one night hookup with a new person. Condoms are no protection against herpes, since it can be on areas other than the genitals: the mouth, the anus, the upper thighs, the lower back, etc.

Maybe you have had OCD your entire life. I wouldn't think that polyamory, or an open relationship with lots of casual hookups going on, would feel very safe to a person with OCD around catching infections. From my understanding, OCD doesn't go away, even with treatment, although it can be managed to an extent. You might have intrusive thoughts for the rest of your life. So making sure your partners are all tested before you have sex with them, or they have sex with others, would be extra important, not just for your physical health, but your mental health, as well.
 
So you are both running a great risk of catching a STI,

I think we should be careful with language here.

Condoms are very effective protection against most STDs. The things they are less effective against can't be reliably tested for, especially in penis owners.

The fact they are using condoms for said casual sex means that using "great" to describe the risk level is both presumptive and highly subjective.
And Day has never been tested for STIs.

Sorry I missed this. He said she hasn't been tested after every sexual partner. That's quite reasonable given that condoms are highly effective against everything you can be reliably tested for. It's not feasible to test after every sexual partner if you're relatively promiscuous.
Most successful poly people do test before each new partner, and require their new partner to be tested too, before having sex.

I have two issues with this.

1) I'm not actually sure self identified "poly" people are those having the most sexual partners. The people I know who have a lot of sexual partners (poly or not) test on a regular schedule that corresponds with their risk level. Condoms will be part of what provides some reassurance between testing periods regardless of the number of partners they have.

2) What are you counting as successful? When it comes to this subject, I'd say those successful are those who have multiple casual sex partners with minimal (or hopefully no) transmission of sexually transmitted infections and timely diagnosis. Again, I wouldn't group those people as "poly" so much as " people who regularly have casual/recreational sex". Some of those are poly. I think most are not. But as a group, this "casual" bunch are most relevant to this topic.

I agree that the OP might be too far stretched with someone who wants to have (in my opinion, relatively safe) casual sex and partners who do the same. At this time, at least. However, I wouldn't blend that with some form "poly elitism", for want of a better term. Exaggerating the level of risk involved here seems to give that tone.
 
Thank you for all of your responses, everyone. They have been helpful in sorting out my thoughts and feelings about everything. I think I will probably stop checking this thread regularly, since I think I have gotten what I need and worry that engaging too much in further reflection and speculation could somewhat complicate things for me, but I appreciate the thought y'all have put into this.
 
Glad we could help. If you ever do want to check this thread again, you are certainly always welcome. I hope things work out for you with your partner.
 
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