Respect

L

Loz

New member
Hi All,

I would really appreciate some input on my latest relationship hiccup. So here's a short background but my intro has more info: 17 year happy mono relationship, married for 8, three children aged 6,4 and 6 months. My husband last year explained that he needed to explore his poly side last year and though difficult I realised that I need to help him become whole properly by letting him explore this. He found an excellent partner and we worked together every step of the way sharing, communicating to get the relationship off the ground. Now we are in a strong V. I have had to deal with jealousy at points and grieved the loss of exclusivity (won't underplay that - it was really tough) but I have been in a great place and I want to make her more a part of my family and she wants it too. I know he loves me deeply so even when I have a freak out session, that foundation stays strong under the reactions and emotions. The deal is 3 evenings a week with her but he always sleeps at home - we live in flats with his parents and siblings and obviously there are my beautiful boys so it's the right thing and his partner S not only gets that but she also has an issue with close family who have keys to her place so that is all fine. If he did sleep over, my only worry is dealing with all the lying which I hate doing. I know sleeping over does not mean anything particularly frightening for me. Ok so all good right? Yes but one problem. They work together and are in the middle of a campaign right now for the next month so he leaves at 7 30 in the morning and comes back at various hours ranging from 11:30 to 2am. This is part of his job and I have always been fine with it but the problem is, this week on my days he came home really late. I actually went to sleep and then got up at 2am to spend time with him and don't forget I have to feed the baby at night too so not getting much sleep at all and I have to run the household and family alone all the time (taking kids to school which is usually his job for instance). Again I can handle the sacrifice but what has happened is obviously they get at least some non-quality time each day at work apart from lots of whatsapp messaging and because they had a fight on wednesday, he had to go for the fourth night on friday too to fix it. Again I understood but then he came home at 4 cause he fell asleep and this made me very angry because I gave him extra time and I thought once he fixed it he would come home early. He apologized and knows he was wrong but it triggered a fear for me.

I feel like yes, the campaign is the main problem but I feel I am the one being dropped for whatever crisis or issue. Today is her day again and I think he should really say, no I'm staying with Loz today. I have put my entire life into this relationship and picked up the slack so many times, I feel like I should be chosen, not a leftover. He does not believe in primary / secondary and he has not idea of rules / boundaries. It's not how he processes the world. Therefore I guess I need to communicate my needs very clearly. I mean he even mentioned offhand how he didn't use condoms with her twice cause she's on the pill but I had never heard anything about it! He didn't think it was something to think about. Not devastated by this one but it irks me and adds to the sense that I can't trust him to take care of my needs.

This is an issue with time and resource management because I feel I have accepted her in my life. Yes I am a mono so I have resisted at points along the way but the past week I felt comfortable like I made a breakthrough with how I visualised my relationship as a V properly. Like we're a kind of team sharing. I have only warm thoughts about S who seems to respect my boundaries and show a level of respect. She does not ask for more and she checks if I am ok with things. He hasn't told her the truth of my struggles yet but he does tell her when things bug me and sometimes she tells him that she thinks I would be bugged by things - like she knows how I work. I couldn't have a better metamour. It's my husband who I get angry with. Maybe I am overthinking it and letting the irrational little girl take over. Some thoughts from you experts would help.
 
Hi Loz,

I remember your backstory. You said in a different thread that when you first started poly he would come and constantly ask you how you are and if you were alright with the speed of things. If hes not doing that now, maybe he's starting to take things for granted or maybe he's off in polyamoryville. You might need to have a heart to heart to him to pull him back from his NRE. Having a 6-month old baby and other kids at home cannot be fun at all for either of you.

And just a thought to consider. I have seen a few examples on this thread where the poster's rightful anger at a hubby has been misinterpreted by a metamor as a passive-aggressive attempt to control the relationship between hubby and metamor. That's clearly not the case here and you and your metamor seem to get along relatively well, but just a thought for you to consider so that the discussion you have with your hubby won't be misinterpreted.

Good luck! :)
 
For me, it's a moral choice. Children's needs always come first. Yours are very young. They take a LOT of work. I would not accept that my husband had to go off and spend time with his gf when he is also working overtime. His kids need him, and you need help with dinner, cleaning, tons of laundry, bedtime routines.

I see you say you live in "flats" with your parents and siblings, so maybe they help you with the kids? But the issue remains kids need their dad. If he's working overtime, he needs to prioritise you and the kids right now, not new hot chick.

That's my view.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I feel like yes, the campaign is the main problem but I feel I am the one being dropped for whatever crisis or issue. Today is her day again and I think he should really say, no I'm staying with Loz today. I have put my entire life into this relationship and picked up the slack so many times, I feel like I should be chosen, not a leftover. He does not believe in primary / secondary and he has not idea of rules / boundaries. It's not how he processes the world. Therefore I guess I need to communicate my needs very clearly. I mean he even mentioned offhand how he didn't use condoms with her twice cause she's on the pill but I had never heard anything about it! He didn't think it was something to think about. Not devastated by this one but it irks me and adds to the sense that I can't trust him to take care of my needs.
Click to expand...

It sounds like you get along ok with your metamour S, but your husband annoys you when he doesn't think about how his actions affect you.

So yes. You could speak up about your needs and make specific requests. Then it isn't "he didn't think about it." He's either saying "Yes" or "no" to you request.

Then you can pretty much count whether or not you get enough "Yes" times to make participating in the "V" worth your while. If it is always "scraps?" You could decide to stop participating. He might keeping going with S, but YOU don't have to be doing things where you aren't getting much return on your investment. You could choose to bow out of the "V" and perhaps the marriage.

I hope he comes to his senses and shapes it up instead. But if he's just going through the motions/neglecting you, and he doesn't change even after you make him aware of how you feel? and you don't trust him?

I suppose you will have to make some hard decisions. :(

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Hi Loz,

It sounds like you need to sit down and have a talk with your husband. Both telling him how you feel, and what you need. He seems to be somewhat oblivious of your sacrifices and what you're experiencing. Don't let that continue ... Talk with him.

I hope the two (three) of you can work something out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks for all of your feedback. I think the main issue is I feel I need definition as a primary and he does not see things like that. In his mind, he spends most time thinking about me and my needs but he does not rate the practical elements which I count on to process the world. For him, he is prioritizing me and these things that have irritated me are small potatoes for him because he does not see them of representative of his feelings and thoughts. In his mind he says it is more 80/20 how much he has been thinking about me but the practicalities speak to me otherwise because I am afraid of replacement as a mono thinker. I feel a bit stuck because I know if I knew I had primary status I could handle anything like I did for 17 years. It would give me a sense of stability but he can't lie - he just does not understand primary/secondary (even though S said 'You know I will always be the secondary and Loz the primary' to him - see she's a legend!) As I said, I know he loves me, I see it and the time we spend together, little though it is at the moment is wonderful.

Dont see him as a neglectful father - he is excellent. The boys are all happy and they interact with him through photo conversations and yesterday he got home early and they fell asleep on him watching a film. The political campaign is 34 days long, it's unfortunate it has fallen in this vulnerable stage but we've done this before. The boys also get the absence because it is temporary. I am used to running the home show alone - we divide our labour maybe in a different way to others but it has always worked for us for 17 years.

I have adjusted to a lot and I have found happiness where I never imagined I could. I have alway s been adaptable and we have always progressed in our relationship. I just think I have hit a point where I don't think I can break myself by letting go of my desire to be the most important person in his life. Not just because I take care of his basic needs and live in a house with him and share our wonderful children - that is not the primary status I crave. I guess it's artificial, something I am making up in my head because I may not have a written declaration but it's still a reality - we share everything, he calls me when he's weak. In their NRE there is still a lot he does not tell her and he does not let himself be totally vulnerable with her yet. He is still taking care of her. He is with her again today so we have not had a chance to really thrash it out - just a couple of phone and message chats in the day. I wonder if there is a way to compromise - he's not usually one for that with his character but i know he wants to keep me. I want to be with him too. It's frustrating that this theoretical issue is the problem. The title of the first post is the key: 'respect'. It's not an issue of love, or sharing, or loneliness or anything. It's just I feel love is wonderful but not enough - I need practical respect too. Any thoughts?
 
Hi Loz,

Totally on your side. I imagine consenting to your husband developing emotional and sexual attachments to another woman is probably one of the hardest things you've had to do in your life. Wanting to be primary in return is probably a minimum standard for most couples in a long term relationship who are thinking of entering polyamory. Monogamy gives security. Polyamory with a couple-centric focus and primary relationship also gives security and is probably easier for you to do than other forms of polyamory. You have kids, shared finances and shared living arrangements. You gave him polyamory, he needs to give you respect and security. Totally fair.

I have no idea why he's doing what he's doing. I suspect he doesn't know you're hurting. Maybe he feels really secure with you and somewhat paradoxically, takes your security for granted because he feels secure with you. I suggest a chat with him to outline your feelings and concerns. Show him the article I linked earlier to polyamoryville. He needs to be aware of his own emotions and how his fun impacts your world as well.

As for respect... it's a tricky word. I'm not good with words, but I feel respect involves an expectation of others to meet a need of yours. The problem is that we can't always read others' minds. The end result is that one person may feel disrespected whilst the other didn't know there was even a problem to begin with. Sometimes we feel others, especially significant others, should be able to read our minds, but as I pointed out, polyamoryville has a way of clouding our thought processes due to heightened emotions. In summary, you may feel you need respect, but he may not even know that he is disrespecting you because he's just so happy and secure right now.

Hope this helps. Totally rooting for you!
-Shaya.
 
I think the main issue is I feel I need definition as a primary and he does not see things like that. In his mind, he spends most time thinking about me and my needs but he does not rate the practical elements which I count on to process the world.
Click to expand...

To me that sounds like you want "primary status" because then you would get the "practical elements." If you got the "practical elements" would you care about being called "primary?"

For him, he is prioritizing me and these things that have irritated me are small potatoes for him because he does not see them of representative of his feelings and thoughts.
Click to expand...

So if it is small potatoes to him, but really important to you... is he willing to do the "practical elements" in order to contribute to your sense of happiness/well being? Have you tried framing it like that when you make the request?

"Look, I know that X is small potatoes to you. But it is really important to me. Could you please be willing to do X so I can feel respected?"

What does he say / would he say?

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Thanks Galagirl, you always give straightforward, practical advice. You are right and I have left him to mull this over. He needs to show not tell. I guess I have to see things to believe them, especially in unknown territory. Trust needs to grow and it will that way like it did when we started our mono relationship all those years ago. Feeling hopeful as I always do :)
 
Have you heard of love languages? The basic concept is that different people express and/or recognise love in different ways, so if someone who speaks "acts of service" is in a relationship with someone who speaks "physical touch", then they might both be shouting their love for each other from the metaphorical rooftops, but because they're each doing so in a language the other doesn't understand they both feel unloved by the other. If you can work out what primary language you speak and let your husband know, then he can try to learn how to demonstrate his love in a language you understand, and vice versa.
 
Don't get too hung up on labels. When you say you want to be primary, does it mean you want to hear him say it? Because just saying a word won't change his behavior. And I suspect from your posts that it's his behavior, not the lack of label, that's getting to you.

I'd stay focused on his behavior and the things that you need him to do in order to feel like you and his young family are his priority. As long as he is actually prioritizing you, whether he calls you his primary or not doesn't mean a thing.

Meanwhile, you aren't a mind reader. Bully for him that he thinks about you 80% of the time... but if you aren't feeling prioritized, his thoughts don't change squat unless he shares them with you, making you feel loved and prioritized, or backs them up with behavior. Again, it's like the label--nice, but ultimately not a substitute for actions.

Wishing you the best of luck.
 
Thanks Emm. Yes we did the quiz and I had 10 quality time and his highest was 8 words of affirmation so I need uninterrupted physical presence and conversation more and he can be happy with words. There is a slight difference but otherwise, we are the same and I rate words of affirmation highly too. I think we have it sorted now. We all 3 worked on a work project online yesterday and it really strengthened the sense of a team. He came home early and we had some excellent quality time together. He definitely heard me that he needs to think about what works for me, not just follow his intuition which suits him. Gestures is what it's all about. Now I feel strong, settled and no longer angry with him. I will continue to assert myself and my needs when necessary and not expect him to 'just know' what I need because we are different in some ways.
 
Sounds like a positive first step. I hope it continues so you all can continue to work like a team.

Galagirl
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top