I always question whether this was bad enough for me to question the relationship. Additionally my other boyfriend kind of gives me the feeling that he thinks the problem is not as bad as I make it seem.
The way I see it he performed a sexual action on me even though I specifically revoked my consent.
Is this not a big deal 'cause it was just a couple of seconds, 'cause he didn't want to hurt me? I am very confused.
Thank you for your kind reply. I don't think SA couple counseling is common in my country.I am sorry this happened.
I think basic sex ed growing up is lacking for a lot of people. How to deal with SA or be a partner of an SA survivor? That doesn't usually get covered in basic sex ed enough.
It might be that all three could benefit from counseling since you are an SA survivor and they are your partners.
He did. Even the "just a kiss, but oops got too passionate and went back to oral" You wanted full stop.
However he is not a machine like you turn the key and boom. Engine stops. In the heat of the moment, it may take him a bit of time to process what you said and then actually stop.
There is an area in between those two points that you both might have to address.
Over here even when not doing kink, we use colors. And both check in periodically.
There might be others in there like "orange" which is between yellow and red. Or "dark green" for REALLY good and go, go!
- Green is "good to go"
- Yellow is "proceed with caution."
- Red is "stop to discuss, pull back. Maybe continue with some adjustments, maybe not."
- Black is "abort mission." Full stop, everyone stand up.
But that gives some space for people being human. Really hot sex can send people off into floaty head spaces. Only having "green, go" and "red, stop" may not give enough transition space. Sometimes talking to me can be like... my body is here, but my mind is a million miles away having a good time. I have to come back down to earth before I can hear and understand what is being communicated, but using colors I can tell how fast I need to reel it back in.
So maybe something to consider adding if you don't use that already. Using colors for faster/clearer communication during sex.
It could be both.
And... given years of consent issues you still have to decide what to do next about it.
- It IS a big deal to you.
- He didn't want to hurt you.
You also have to decide what to do with other BF. Would he do SA counseling with you?
- Adjust expectations for the stopping period to be more realistic? Start using colors to improve communication during sex? Something else?
- Try SA counseling with him and improve education, communication, and other things between you?
- Or just end it with this guy?
And then if you start seeing someone new? Do the SA work with a counselor with them?