I would suggest telling him you're not forcing him to choose anything. You're making your own choice about your safety. He's saying that to be manipulative and make you feel that you're to blame. You are not to blame. He is, 100%.
Absolutely! He doesn't feel in control and is pouty because he is suppose to be the dom in your relationship. I think he lost that right when he put you in jeopardy. Good doms make decisions for subs with their consent and best interest in mind. He did neither.
Lunch went well, but I chose not to discuss what has been going on, because I just get upset and angry I chose to enjoy the limited time we had to see if I could, in fact, enjoy his company once more, and because I care for him so much.
It will be close to two more weeks before we will have the chance to be intimate. I can't tell you how that is going to go. We have set up a few lunch and dinner dates in the meantime. I still have concerns about how I will feel when we finally do have sex, but I suppose I'm willing to risk it (hurt feelings) to at least try.
But HE is the one who abused you and totally fucked you over, not her. She may be an asshole, but he completely disrespected and devalued you. Can't you see that? He is untrustworthy and shouldn't be excused for his behavior. Why in the world would you even remotely think about being sexual with him again? HE LIED TO YOU about something extremely, crucially important. The fact that a guy like that could be domming anyone is another reason why I find the whole D/s scene distasteful. It seems like there should be a test you should pass or an apprenticeship to undergo before being allowed to do it.
But you need to find a way to gather up all your sense of self-worth and look at this objectively. If a good close friend of yours was in your position, what would you say to her? "Oh, no big deal, she's a nutty bitch and he was polite at lunch, so what if you get infected with STDs and STIs? So what if you didn't have all the facts about what risks he was taking? He's the dom, he is in charge. So, why not keep putting yourself in the position of doormat? I mean, you're submissive, right?"
Wrong.
Have a little self-respect, hon. This guy doesn't deserve you.
Have you scheduled an appointment to get tested yet?
Hey, it's your life. You may not have known what you were getting into before, but you're now knowingly choosing to be with somebody who does not have integrity. At this point, expecting him to act honestly and not risk your health is ridiculous. So you're going into this knowing he will lie to you and do things that might subject you to things that could hurt you. If you think he won't, you haven't been listening to your own story.
Okay, I feel the need to mention that we've been kind of inundated lately with stories of cheating and unsafe practices. Most of them have nothing to do with D/s. Yes, that's an aspect of the OP's situation, so it makes sense to factor it in, but most doms wouldn't act like this, and most subs wouldn't take it.
There *are* tons of classes, books, seminars, and web resources out there on how to be a good dom (ALL of which focus on safety, respect, and consent, OP!!!), but I don't see some sort of official licensure process as being a likelihood anytime soon (though that would be interesting). It's just a matter of trust and common sense, the first of which has been broken (as happens with so many couples) and the second of which is being ignored.
NYCindie's suggestion to think about what you'd say to a friend in this situation is a really good one.
OP, please do look out for yourself. He's made it clear that he doesn't have your best interests at heart.
We've been kind of inundated lately with stories of cheating and unsafe practices. Most of them have nothing to do with D/s. Yes, that's an aspect of the OP's situation, so it makes sense to factor it in, but most doms wouldn't act like this, and most subs wouldn't take it.
Oh, I know, I know, I know, blah blah blaf. Calm down, I get it. I was simply stating my opinion, and it is just my opinion, okay? You don't have to go around defending D/s every time someone cites something they don't like about it.
I can hold two opposing views at the same time-- my own personal distaste for it on one hand, and understanding how it can benefit some people on the other. I was basically agreeing with you. Even though I have no D/s experience, it was pretty obvious that he was not domming ethically and with care and concern for the OP as his sub. I don't need to be scolded or schooled if I say D/s doesn't appeal to me because of someone who abuses his dominant position.
It is a factor in this case, because he used it as an excuse to say she couldn't complain about his actions. Guys like him just add to the cringe factor for someone like me, who tries understanding the draw of that kind of arrangement. I cringe not so much about D/s itself, but more about the kinds of creeps and damaged individuals that glom onto alternative sexual practices and wind up doing harm. Because of that, there is an extra need to be careful about whom to be involved with, to stay safe. I can see that with the right people who have their heads screwed on straight, it can be safe and enjoyable. I think it's more a comment on societal attitudes toward sex in general that make practices like D/s (not just D/s, okay) appeal to people who aren't always as ethical or right in the head as they should be, especially before entering into an agreement where they are dominating someone else.
Ugh yourself. You're right, we are totally agreeing. But I feel completely justified defending D/s and talking about the way I see it, if you're going to take the time to tell the OP that you find her lifestyle distasteful on multiple levels ("another reason"). Yes, it's your personal opinion, and you're entitled to it, but I don't see how mentioning your negative feelings about it here on her thread would serve *any* function except to possibly make the OP feel bad because you think the way she does relationships/sex is gross. I've been in her shoes in that regard. It doesn't feel good and it certainly doesn't make anyone more amenable to advice.
...I don't see how mentioning your negative feelings about it here on her thread would serve *any* function, except to possibly make the OP feel bad because you think the way she does relationships/sex is gross.
Now you're putting words in my mouth! I never said nor implied that the way the OP does relationships or sex is "gross." Come on now. In no way was I denigrating the OP.
I don't want to fight. I respect you a lot. I think you're giving great advice, and we're hijacking the thread. You're keeping an open mind such that you can give advice on something you personally dislike to someone who needs it, and that's admirable.
I spoke up because I found the word "distasteful" to be an unnecessary thing to put out there to the OP. It means "causing dislike or disgust; offensive; unpleasant." The people who practice D/s *know* that lots of people feel that way. It seems harsh to point it out needlessly. I am probably being over-sensitive, as you said you felt that way about the scene, not about any particular practice or type of person, but that scene is many people's home, y'know.
For someone who says she doesn't want to hijack the thread, I sure as hell can't shut up. *sigh* Sorry, OP.
I like you. You seem like a really nice person and your screen name warms a very special corner of my fatty fat heart. Because of this I want you to listen to me carefully. I will preface my words with the acknowledgement that sometimes the heart wants what it wants and that no one can tell you how to live your life.
This. Motherfucker. Ain't. Shit. Leave him immediately. He doesn't respect you, your body OR your feelings. His other girlfriend is a straight-up certified bitch, but if he is so easily swayed that a snatch can cause him to forsake all integrity and moral bearings, then guess what? He STILL ain't shit, AND he's weak to boot.
Focus on this: Jesse is a liar. He is untrustworthy. He played with your safety like a cat with a ball of yarn.
I understand that you want to forgive him and pretend that everything will be ok if you can just forget about it. Will you still feel that way if he infects you with HIV? What if you're in a scene and he ignores your safe word because that would spoil his fun?
This has absolutely nothing to do with Blossom. Nothing. It's about the scumbag loser that he is, for lying about something so obviously important to you.
The fact that a guy like that could be domming anyone is another reason why I find the whole D/s scene distasteful. It seems like there should be a test you should pass, or an apprenticeship to undergo, before being allowed to do it.
There are scumbags in every scene, every walk of life. If anything, people in the lifestyle are in a better position to protect themselves, because there is information and education available. Think of all the teenage girls getting convinced by their boyfriends to forego protection, under the guise of "It's okay, baby, I'm a virgin too." When people get involved in the lifestyle, and someone with experience notices how naive they are, it's not uncommon to take them through a crash course of self-protection.
Education is really what's more important than apprenticeship. I mean, electricians and contractors go through apprenticeships, but that doesn't stop some of them from cutting corners to save a buck. At the end of the day, the "consumer" has to be self-educated and aware of the situation.
I'm sorry I haven't replied in a few days, been away from the computer. During this time I had the opportunity to see Jesse. The original plan was to be intimate. As the day drew closer, I found myself torn on the idea of being with him sexually.
I now see that I can handle sitting with him at a restaurant, but even just thinking about being sexual with him had my stomach turning. We ended up just going to the park and talking for a while. We discussed that situation again, but nothing came of it.
He again spent another day that should have been mine with Blossom. I assumed he scheduled it that way since he wasn't getting sex from me.
He's supposed to call in a little while to talk about this again. But I know my stance and how I feel isn't going to change. He just isn't getting it. But I probably added to that by trying to pretend that everything was okay when it wasn't.
I think that for the first time I realized that I will never be okay with this, and that I have to begin the process of moving on.
Good for you, BWC, for listening to your instincts. Still, that doesn't mean it doesn't suck.
Pain does fade, though, and we all have to learn these little lessons. It helps us define our boundaries better, and that helps us choose better partners and protect ourselves better.
It's so hard to find a good Dom. Goodness knows, my gf has been looking for a Master for the almost three years we've been together, on several websites (OK Cupid, collarme and Fetlife) and in real life, and has found nothing but Dom-asses.
We are friends with three couples and one triad, though, who have healthy Master/slave relationships, that are respectful and full of balance and good health. So it's not impossible to find this!
Good for you for sticking up for yourself, Bacon. Keep your standards high!
