Sailing Solo

I told the kids that Prof is not my BF anymore but we will still be friends and see him sometimes. In kid-way they were not impacted at all and asked if Mr Dom was my new boyfriend, they said they like his dog. I also told them this was our last camping trip with Prof. I have been working on getting my own camping gear together for a while so it is most certainly not an end to camping, just an end to camping with Prof.
I feel I did a good job in parenting and preparing them for relationship changes in life.
I have been mulling over the things that Prof said and the big one for me was that he didn't want me to depend on him. And I realised that I have never truly felt like I can depend on him. The instability and uncertainty stemmed from subconsciously knowing that I couldn't depend on him. Now I know it for a fact. I am dependable. If I say I will do it then I will do it. My friends and family can rely and depend on my. Work folks say that they can rely on me to get things done. I think that is how to treat people. All the other big words like trust, loyalty honesty, just words unless you can actually believe in the person to follow through.
I have a minor surgery next week. I had asked Prof to do the drop off and pick up to take me home. In my mind I felt that he would do those things but leave after dropping me off. I can't see him sitting with me while I sleep the sedation off. So I changed the appointment and asked Mr Dom to do it. Mr Dom said yes and will spend the night. If I feel bad the next day he will move things around and spend as much time with me as I need. I didn't ask him to do that. He offered.
I am taking Prof to an appointment next week. Same type of sedation. I will bring him home to my house, make him dinner when he wakes up and provide love and care overnight. I said I would do this before yesterday went down. He can depend on me not to flake or do a half-assed job. Fundamental difference.
 
Went camping with Prof and the kids. Prof got the feeling this was our last trip together which I confirmed. After the kids went to bed we had a long talk. Mostly we agreed that our communication is awful.
He used the word "depend" in the previous conversation to mean financial and living together. I used it to mean "trust to support in times of crisis." No match there.
I thought we agreed I would still go on vacation with him in August. The following morning he said I had never agreed to the vacation.
We agree that we love each other and are in love. At least we agreed on that on Sunday.:rolleyes : No idea if we agree on that today.
We have therapy on Weds which is just as well because we have no baseline apart from loving each other. We agreed that we need to define our relationship and what we are to each other. I am going to have a good think about what i want from him.

Mr Dom has been driving me nuts with insecurity. He has so much more free time than I do and apparently has been using some of that time to brood. He explains how he feels and I don't really get it. He explains how my actions affect him and how he feels secondary to Prof. I feel I have done an amazing job of not letting stuff over-spill too much and trying to keep things even. I see Mr Dom a lot more than Prof but Mr Dom doesn't like that Prof gets opportunities to be at my house when the kids are awake and he is limited to after hours. Prof also doesn't spend much time with the kids anymore ( apart from the 2 recent camping trips ) and Mr Dom says he wants to participate fully.
Apparently, I am not dong a great job of having 2 partners. We have agreed that he will not ask, and I will not volunteer, information about Prof for the time being.
I am a bit nervous about Mr Dom finding this blog. He is all over the internet looking at poly stuff. I think he knows about the site/forum but not my actual blog. Makes posting the following a bit risky.
Mr Dom is looking to move closer to where I live, mostly to access the cities nearby but it will put him closer to me. Good and bad right? My main issue is he is at my house a lot. 5 nights this week. I think 3 nights last week. Deep breath. I mentioned rent contribution. He was not happy. He said if I invite him then he is a guest. I offered to let him store stuff in my garage. He helps out around the house. He lets me access his online tv paid website. He is paying for an expensive trip to opposite coast in June. He paid for trip the trip in April. He drives to see me. I drove to his twice on the past 7 weeks.
I think I need to ask him to go home more at night, but it is currently a 50 minute drive one way. I feel bad. I think it is mostly that I don't get much of a break from him. He is intense and full-on. I see why he didn't want a GF for a year.
It is so different to be with an enthusiastic someone than a restrained someone. I feel like Goldilocks, so picky.
 
Very good therapy session.
I am working on understanding Prof. His lateness is not a reflection of our relationship. His wishy-washy wibbly-wobbly speech is not a reflection of our relationship.
He is to work on clear "yes" and "no" and giving non-specific reassurances;" It will be fine,"Things will work out." Currently, when I ask for reassurances, he wants me to define "it" and " things." I am left feeling worse than when I asked for the reassurance.
He pretty much wants to maintain what we have minus the GF label. He wants to remain in the kids lives, he is very fond of the younger one, who is also very fond of him. Prof and the older one are so similar with their mildly Spectrumy ways that they are butting heads more and more. Prof and I have been working on this together but it was good that we both recognized there is an issue during therapy. We will both still want to go camping, both with and without kids and have a summer vacation.
Prof did sort of admit that the monogamy experiment was an experiment that he expected to fail. He said he does enter in things without being committed to the outcome. I said I feel that and it hurts. I put in time and effort only to receive "meh" in return.
The therapist suggested Prof identify himself as Enneagram type. I had a brief look at them last night and identified myself pretty quickly. I am interested to see how Prof self-identifies. It was interesting to see how the therapist gentle guided Prof into some self-reflection and pointed out that his style of communication can be difficult and frustrating for others to deal with. It was interesting to see Prof kind of get the idea that how he functions is tricky to deal with. In his head it has been mostly my problem of not communicating well with him. Good progress.
 
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A weekend of D/S play planned with Mr Dom. He is getting over his grumpyness which was cause by me changing my relationship with Prof. Not exactly sure how that worked, but the upshot is I have pretty much stopped talking about Prof. familiar pattern with me. Partners van;t handle the info about other partners so I stop talking about them.
Prof cancelled our Monday together when he finally got it that I was not available this upcoming weekend. I had told him twice during planning meetings but he blanked and invited me to a weekend event. I didn't even bother to argue that much when he moved to cancel. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Prof does not do well knowing too much about what I am doing. He talks big but his go to reaction right now is to cancel time we have scheduled. I think this is the third time in the past few months. I prefer not to know about Prof's relationships. I enjoy hearing about Mr Dom's early dating but told him I don't want to know much when it gets past the 2-3rd date. Mr Dom can't handle stuff about Prof anymore. At least we are all finding our boundaries on this topic.
 
Mr Dom is moving to town, not to be closer to me but to be closer to the cities with women under the age of 80 in them. 80% of the women he has meet OLD so far have been in my city or further into the big cities. His drive time is 50 minutes to me and another 35+ to the next nearest city. He meet someone nice a couple of weeks ago but she said the time/distance was too much. He has been looking on Craigslist and found the oddest property just outside the center of town. He is on a side street of the same road where, for now, I spend a lot of my work day, the street that leads to my BFF, my gym, my dog friends, and Prof. Mr Dom will be 1.4 miles away from Prof. They will use the same road to access the freeway every day.
 
A fun birthday weekend for with Mr Dom. I baked the cake that he requested. "Baked" is a generous term, he wanted a box cake with ready made icing put on it. I made a reservation and took him out for a nice dinner, all dressed up. And there was sex. Lots of sex, and BD play too. When people called him to wish him Happy Birthday and ask what he was doing, he would reply having a "low-key" birthday. I found that a little offensive in some ways, as "low-key" sounds not unlike "boring," but I don't suppose he can tell most people that there was rope, flogging, toys and mostly we got up to eat and do a few honey-dos then fuck some more.
One of my things for the long weekend was to drive out to Prof's property, load tote-boxes with gravel and drive them back to my place, then carry buckets of gravel up the stairs and into my yardette. I worked my ass off. Iphone fitness app says I climbed 53 flights of stairs. Prof was at the property on one of second trip. I gave him a blow job in one of the out-buildings. Possibly the last sex with him until July. He is away and then I am away, both going to be with other people. I think we will still have a trip together, it was meant to be August but now maybe July. I can't complain if we do or if we don't as the only way it will happen is if he pays for flights and hotels and I get the food. Mr Dom is doing the same for our June trip, he is paying for the flights and hotels, I will get the hire car and the food. On one hand it is lovely to get treated, on the other hand it feels odd but they both say it is more fun to go with me than not, so...
 
Mr Dom is tracking my period on his icalendar. :rolleyes: Am I aware I get a little difficult to deal with? NO!! muthafuka I have never heard that before. Good luck with tracking a menopausal woman. Hahaha If he can develop that app he'd make a million. :D
I popped into see my friend during the day and she said they are getting rid of their hot tub. She will give it to me for the cost of the new pump that they just put in it. If I can work out how to get it into my yardette then I will go for it. Prof promised me some wooden garden things from his new place. a potting table and a wooden arbor. I can hang lights over it for the hot tub and grow some vines up the side. My yardette is looking pretty good considering I have done it on the world's smallest budget. Lots of freebies from Prof to be honest.
The men folk might meet this week. I will put it out there.
I am having a little surgery tomorrow and Mr Dom is hanging around until early evening on Thursday as he will then head into the city to get his daughter. Thursday is Profs last night, so if he wants to check in on me then he gets to meet Mr Dom.
 
I do not remember a thing about the surgery. My little light weight-self took the drugs and slept for 14 hours. All I remember of getting home was Mr Dom stopping in the primo parking space at the pharmacist. It obviously struck me because I never get to park there, apparently I sent him a text while he was in there picking up meds. I have no recollection of getting home or getting into bed. I sent Prof a badly typed 2 word text at around 10pm. Mild pain but the woozy has continued throughout the day.
Still managed to have morning sex with Mr Dom and afternoon sex with Prof, nothing too energetic. It was the last good-bye with Prof. Considering he was being such a grumpy pants and last Thursday was supposed to be the last time that I should have seen him, we manage to squeeze in 4 more visits of varying length. I did offer to take him to the airport but am glad he found/is paying someone else. My boss told me not to rush into work tomorrow. Looks like she wants me to stay later so it is fine.
I am finding that lowering my expectations with Prof is quite successful. I made one attempt to see him between last week and leaving today and that was drop off his planter baskets. I have had them ready for weeks, he has drip lines and I don't, he asked me to plant them for him, they are doing no good sitting in my back garden and are extra work for me. He initiated the other 3 visits.
I may meet one of Mr Dom's sons and his daughter. His son turned up as a surprise addition to the daughter's visit. Mr Dom had planned a trip for him and the daughter but the son's arrival has caused a major, but happy, change in schedule. I offered them the kids rooms for the night. It looks like they make me taking me up on it. Thank goodness I did a lot of house work and the food shopping before the surgery so I will not be too ashamed to have guests. I will probably be in bed though.
Prof did ask me about my bruises. I have a large one on my upper arm which I have no idea where it came from but I have a number on my thighs that I do. I told him they were all fun and consensual. I told him that I wish he would do more BDSM with me but I have stopped asking as it is not an activity that you want to have to nag someone to do. He talked about wanting to set up the play-room in the new house and get it perfect. I said I don't need perfect I need energy and enthusiasm. He understands but but the perfectionist part wont let it go so easily. In the meantime Mr Dom totally out classes Prof with half the amount of "stuff" and 1000x the desire to do it often and hard. Do I want perfect or do I want to be dominated? Not a tough question. For me, the most basic level of BDSM requires attitude. I have told Prof to quit asking me if he can do stuff, do it, and I will let you know if it is not ok.
 
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Mr Dom and his 2 adult children came stay. It was the first time they had ever spent the night under the same roof. I was in bed when they arrived as it was very late. Mr Dom was beyond thrilled by the experience and had a few tears too. the next morning the weather was lovely so we sat out in the yardette and adult kid #1 who is 32, got up and hung out, then adult kid #2 who is 25. I hung around, chatted for a bit and puttered in the garden, then went to work and left them to breakfast. They headed off later in the morning for some sightseeing and will maybe be back tonight. the adult kids will stay in my kids rooms and me, my kids and Mr Dom will "camp" in my room. I think this is quite a good way to have Mr Dom sleep over for the first time, in the mix of exciting visitors. I am doing the 2 boyfriend thing. wow. scary. Just after the 6 month mark too.
Mr Dom has been explaining what we are doing to his kids. His son has known a little more for a while but this is the first time he has told his daughter. She is ok with it if apparently a little stuck on the idea that the "other people" will fade away and it will end up just Mr Dom and me.
I like that this is all happening organically. No planned meeting or lunches simply what is convenient in the moment.
 
Prof is in Europe with whomever he is meeting. I got a text on Monday and it was a gut punch. I didn't know the exact date he was leaving. It is not the going with someone else, it is the punitive response to me being less available than before. A few weeks when I discussed it with the therapist she said it probably wasn't punitive and I should try not think that way. Since he has done the time chop twice since then I think we can update that idea. It is time for Prof to put on his big boy pants and walk the walk. He is very convincing at talking the talk but bottom line is he has canceled three of our arrangements at least due to me seeing Mr Dom. I try not to see everything from a behaviorist leaning, but damn if it not obvious! I am learning form the cognitive therapy approach so am interested in seeing how things progress. Our communication still is awful. It's almost comical how awful.
 
Therapist focused on grief and dealing with grief. First step is admitting. Very sad about Prof and Eurotrip. Very sad about finishing my job. And very sad about saying good-bye to dog that I helped my friend adopt and helped take care of for the past 14ish years.
I was with Mr Dom when the dog news came in. The dog did stay for a week recently while my friend was on vacation and I knew then she wouldn't be around much longer, so that was the opportunity to have a longer goodbye then.
 
Yesterday was tough but onto moving forward...
Mr Dom has his bazillionth OKC meet today. He has had quite a few at this point but the repeating theme is flakiness; a number of last minute allergy attacks and colds have prevented planned meetings from actually occurring. An interesting one was the woman scheduling the second meeting by text while engaged in the simultaneous writing of an email outlining why she couldn't meet but her friend is interested. Hilarious!
We talked a little about whether or not I want to go online again. On one hand I would like to have the option for an occasional Fuck Buddy, but on the other hand seeing 2 people already doesn't leave much time and I won't be bringing anyone else round to my house. Additionally, I plan to go back into the closet again with the having of 2 partners. I stumbled my way around some vacation questions, when I popped into my new work place. I didn't want to say that my trips were going to be with different people, but neither had I thought out what I was going to say if/when I was asked about vacation plans. I think only 3 of the people where I currently know that I have 2 partners and that feels like plenty.
 
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I stayed with Mr Dom last night and we had good evening sex and amazing morning sex, he made me an omelette for breakfast. I left around lunchtime so he could go and meet yesterday's Okcer. I had already planned to go home to have a bit of time by myself so it worked out well. I can go back later. It is quite nice to be home alone though :)

A little later...Mr Dom's meeting went well, looks like they are heading for a third.
 
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Mr Dom is having his 4th meeting today with OKCer. It will be for most of the day and evening.
We discussed a little of how much to communicate about what is happening. He wants to talk freely and openly about everything that he is doing with her. I am projecting my need for privacy and saying he should be a little more reserved in what he shares about her personal stuff. I did ask him to change how my name pops up on his phone so it is not so easy to find me. We use respectful nicknames to protect privacy, he does know Prof's full real name, but I don't think Prof knows Mr Dom's last name. Mr Dom says he doesn't mind if Prof knows. I don't think either of them has ever experienced vengeful exes. I think I have written a little about work-related craziness too, so my paranoia is grounded in reality. As the saying goes, " It is not paranoia if they really are out to get you."
Mr Dom is going the "non-exclusive" dating route and not telling the people he meets that he is in a relationship. It is the route Prof has taken for the past 2 years and it seems to be working fine for him. Prof is currently sticking to his guns that he is not in a relationship with me, or is it just that I am not his girlfriend? I don't remember where we left things. For someone who was very into labeling things I am not so bothered anymore by how people describe or don't describe what they are doing with me, it is their actions and behavior that are important.
 
Mr Dom and I still talk virtually 24/7. We watched the game last night with each other on Facetime. We talked up to the moment he went to meet the OKCer. Should today go well I will give her a nickname. She already has a nickname but it is a 2 letter combination and I know that makes blog entries hard to read.
We talked about "hinging" and how easy it is to make simple errors that one person might not even know is an error. I sometimes put "Prof?" on the calendar. Mr Dom wants to know why I am leaving time open for Prof. I say that if I am home with the kids then it doesn't matter if he comes round or not but I am letting Mr Dom that it may be a possibility. He put "OKCer?" on the calendar for tomorrow. :rolleyes::D Then tried to tell me it was different. :D He started getting a bit defensive when I pointed it out until I stated that I don't want to suck up all his freetime and just because he has an open night it does not mean I expect to see him. but....hahaha, you did the same thing because it we calendar everything. I have even moved my home calendar onto the icloud calendar. so it now has mid stuff and my stuff on it. I know about using the different colors and "hiding" stuff but I cant be bothered. I was running 4 calendars. I may have cut it down to 2. Success! I am hoping new job won't require the same degree of scheduling. Nothing quite like a day when you have 3 meetings scheduled for the same time slot.
I think we are doing ok with the poly things. Calendaring. Maintain separateness. Kid introductions. Kid overnights. Respecting time with other people/partners. Safe sex. STD testing. Meeting family. Meeting friends.
 
Mr Dom's father is in arriving in town either today or sometime in the next few days. They have a rocky relationship, often not speaking for years on end, the lack of communication comes from the dad. He drops out, has been known to move home and not tell anyone where he has gone etc. I told Mr Dom I was not concerned about meeting his dad but Mr Dom replied that he wants his father to meet me. Ah. Ok.
I am sure how the OKCer meet went yesterday but I think well as I got a good night text at 10pmish. I was asleep. Nickname. Back to the alphabet technique. I think I did A and with Prof so Letter C=Carol.

A little hasty with Carol. There will be no more meetings. Carol is looking for a husband.
 
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Anytime I think about giving out a few more details then I see like a post like KC's; someone read her blog and got upset. Such a shame.


Mr Dom and I came to the agreement of not trying to nickname any more OKCers. And when I say OKCers I mean any online dating person. It is simply too confusing!
He had a meeting last night with someone who is open to "non-exclusive" and she is driving to meet him today! 9 hours later...they miscommunicated but are rescheduling.

I haven't heard from Prof since the the 9th. I am hurt by this. I am fairly certain he is in areas with wifi. I am trying not let my mind wander too much with the "what ifs" and other suppositions. It's funny that I didn't mind about the lack of communication for quite a while but now it is close to him returning then I am wondering why the continued silence. I have to remind myself that last time he dropped out without warning was because he broke his phone. But it's hard not to mentally go to unhealthy places. I remind myself that our relationship was mostly good before he left.

My "in-between jobs" vacation is going well. Mr Dom has been round quite a bit. We managed to fuck 4 times in 24 hours which is good, sneaky quiet locked door fucking.:D He did have to pull-out mid-fuck last night to go and meet the OKCer. It was ironic and funny, he wants more sex but stopped having sex to go meet a potential more-sex-person!
 
I am borrowing Mr Dom's computer till I get one from my new job. I am not Mac literate and am back to losing posts on a regular basis, while that is crap the screen really is excellent, it is much faster than my dinosaur personal laptop and I have access to Orphan Black.:D
I need to Command C more often.
The kids went to their dad for father's day so I went to see Mr Dom. I got my ass thoroughly spanked and I mean thoroughly. The bruises are already good and will be quite impressive in the next couple of days.I love the sting when I put pressure on them. Mr Dom promises to come round and work them over again while fucking me. Ah good times. He did make some hurt before, some that Prof left and it was really hot, getting fucked while having another man's bruises pinched and squeezed. I do enjoy fucking and pain. there was also fucking and some restraint. AND a tea break... what can be better thn to need a tea break, then there was squirting, a little bit of fisting and more fucking. All this was interspersed with frequent hand hard spanking. I so prefer a bare hand to any type of paddle or cane. A man's hand whacking your bare ass while he is fucking you. :D:D:D i am a happy sub tonight.
 
Feeling good, the sun is out, I am on vacation and haven't made a packed lunch in over a week!
I messaged Prof over regarding an appointment. I mulled over whether to do it after I knew he was back in this state or nearer the appointment time. I didn't have to send it but I am also fed up of the radio silence. He responded in minutes! It was short exchange but he referred to my line about "see you in july" That actually because he was being weird about catching up between him arriving back tomorrow and me leaving on Friday. He said he would be too stressed and tired to want to see me. Fine! I was really was fine with it. What I didn't expect was the crickets for nearly 2 weeks. Now I get why. If I say I will see him in July then he will put me aside until July. :rolleyes: I feel he has thrown in a little passive-aggressive ignoring to get his point across. Prof is being exactly who he is. If he doesn't need to deal with something until a certain date then he will not deal with until that date.
I am reading Non-violent communication. Prof and I both are awful about communication with each other. I think I do fairly well when not communicating with him. I already use a number of the techniques described. However,
I am super-sensitive to anything I perceive as a criticism because I respect his opinion and take it to heart. It is the same with certain things Mr Dom says. He commented in the park that my kids can't throw a ball. I said yes, but they ride bikes, swim, street hockey, whack a ball at tennis and basically I keep them moving as much as possible. He said he wasn't saying that I should have taught them but either their dad or Prof should have put in the time. I still kept taking it as a criticism of my parenting. That "I" should have done it. I can't throw for shit. I can't throw an American football and I don't play basketball, these are not sports I grew up with. I felt like such a parenting failure. The fairly healthy food, clean home, homework help, school project help, stories, all for naught! My kids can't throw a ball correctly! He says he wants to do that type of "man stuff" with them. I accepted that I misunderstood his point but it smarted on the inside for a while because I am also very aware right now that I am not male. I can model positive adult behavior but not positive adult male behavior.
Mr Dom has a 2nd date tonight, there is talk of hot tubs. I think he will get to spread his non-monogamous wings. I am still bingeing Orphan Black, 2 episodes a night, so decadent :D
I am also back at the gym after putting my membership on hold. It feels great to be working out. My middle age starts to spread at a fairly alarming rate if I don't keep working on keeping it in check. and it really does help with flexibility during sex, things do not stretch and bend anywhere near as far or easily ;)
 
The miscommunication continues. I decided to ask a clarifying question this morning by text after another night of waking up and not being able to go back to sleep. "Did you think I didn't want any contact until July?" The short version of the answer was "Yes." Prof interpreted 2 texts to mean I didn't want any communication.
So much stress and worry over the past few days over yet another communication fail.
I plan to work on some baselines at therapy tonight. examples; I will not break up with you via text or phone. Do not interpret anything to mean I want you to cut off contact or break up apart from the words, "I am breaking up with you." I am working on communication skills, it will take time to develop these skills.

I am currently working very close to the baseline of " it's over." That is not a good place to be mentally as I am interpreting much as various versions of break up.
 
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