Same old questions . . .

[Ice9]

I’m involved in three relationships. I think I’m not capable of dealing with three relationships. To be honest I don’t think I’m not capable to be in any kind of relationships . . . mono or poly. Why do I have three relationships? I have no idea.

I was in a swinger home party. We all had mask on our faces. There I met N. Things swingers do in swinger party . . . We did . . . blah blah blah . . . When we finally took off our masks I was looking at my friend’s mother. Well this and that then few weeks later we were in a relationship. I got my ass kicked by my friend which wasn't surprising to me. My friend lives abroad. N is divorced and lives with her girlfriend. Even though my jaw had to suffer I think my friend is happy that he doesn't have to look after/worry for his mother anymore because of me in her life. I wasn't looking for any kind of relationship in that party.

I’m a medical student. I work in a hospital which specializes on diabetes and related diseases. Most of the patients are older. The hospital is overwhelmed with patients. I helped a patient personally for over a month because he only had two sisters who didn't know how to push around people. When the patient was released from the hospital I also checked on him for few more weeks. This and that I became involved with one of the sisters, S. I thought her husband knew about me. He didn't . . . now he knows. After my jaw suffered one more time I and the husband fella are in good terms, though we aren't friends. Now he has a girlfriend. I wasn't looking for any kind of relationship in that hospital.

I’m involved with R long before N or S came to my life. R is a bit of moody. She doesn't like to tell that she’s annoyed or something is bothering her. She wants me to find out by myself. According to her, if I fail then I don’t care. I knew she was moody and different before I became involved with her. But it was her who pushed herself in my life. As William Somerset Maugham said in The Luncheon, "I was too young to say no to a woman".

R is five days younger than me. Both N and S are significantly older than I am. I didn't expect or planned to be in any of these relationships. I’m busy with other things in my life. I’m a student, I play guitar with guys, I work etc. etc. etc.

On Christmas eve N gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. My son ! Like any one of my relationships I wasn't planning for any child at this moment of my life. But my son decided to show up. His mother also wanted to let him come even though she was surprised herself because we took all kind of "protections". She also didn't want any child at her age. I’m still trying to grasp the whole thing of me being a father. I’m spending a lot more time at N’s house.

R is upset. I’m not sure if I’m still her boyfriend or not. N required a lot of my time during the pregnancy. After my son is born . . . I’m always there. To be honest it’s fun to explore that little guy. Most of the nights, N wakes me up from the floor next to my son’s crib. R says I’m ignoring her. I was very active with her. We did all kinds of things together. We both love to play tennis. Nowadays I don’t play tennis anymore . . . For last three days R hasn’t returned any of my calls. May be she’s left me . . .

S is not happy in her married life. She has two sons at home. I listen to all her troubles at home . . . Sometime I wonder why people get married after listening to her. She also has a terrible body image issue. I think she’s looking for things from me which she didn't find in her husband but wanted very much. She’s very much dreamy. Other day I spend an entire afternoon in a tub with her. I've never spend that amount of time in a bathroom before. She loves to talk. Today she cried because she thinks I’m fading away from her life. I had to cancel my gym, one of my classes and my gig with guys. I was holding her while she was crying. Honestly I hated being there. I hated her crying. I hated all her emotions. But I was there trying to be a man which my father had failed to become. I always tell myself that I’ll never become my father. But I hated all those crying and emotions. But again, the way, the voice she used to say thank for being with her . . . I think I’ll do it again if necessary.

Since I become involved with N, she left the swinger lifestyle. One or two times she did go to some parties though. She has some kinks. She has submissive tendencies. One of my favorite positions is cowgirl (any variation). But that’s not her favorite, though she plays along time to time. When we go out instead of me asking her where we want to go she prefers I tell her where we want to go. I’m tall and have muscles, though I’m no Schwarzenegger. I do have Vin Diesel voice. My friends say I've a tough guy face. Thus, it is not surprising to me that most people think I’m a tough guy. Well I play tough guy role since I wear spectacles. I’m from a country where men have to act tough to move forward in life. People here really don’t believe in standing in line. So displaying toughness is necessary for us guys who wear glasses. I dominate when I’m around guys. I had/have to. It has become my nature, since I am always the youngest student in all my academic classes. But I’m no Dom. N wants me her Dom. I have no idea how to play that role. Rough sex is fine but I’m very uncomfortable when she is tied to bed. But after all the sex things over I like it when she takes rest on my chest. It makes me happy when she is happy.

I always thought lesbians have cold character. Surprisingly N’s girlfriend, a lesbian, has become my best friend. None of my friends knows I’m poly or from a poly family. None of them knows I've a son. I’m a closet poly. I've my reasons. N’s girlfriend P knows everything about me. She knows all my dirty secrets. She has a great sense of humor. She loves to laugh and when she laughs she can’t control herself. P and I were kicked out of theater once because she couldn't control her laugh. Most of the times, I’m the butt of her jokes. But she is a very good friend. She told me I’m not ready for poly relationships because of my present life situation. I’m also not ready for mature women . . . women who have bigger baggage. We all have baggage and as we grow old baggage become bigger. I should be mingling with girls in my age group, hopping bars, clubs. Instead of doing those I’m in a position which requires much more responsibility, patience and calmness.

R and I are both from ploy families. Both of our parents are poly. Her mother has a husband and two boyfriends. My mother is divorced. She is involved with four men. Two of them are long distance. All of them have great impact on my life. I've learned a lot from them. I’m grateful that they are in my life. My mother is a school teacher. In addition of the classes she takes she does a lot of other things for the school and students. She is also a very active social worker. She also raised me and two daughters. Sometime I wonder how she does it.

Ladies and gentlemen, how do you do it? Do you think one has to be at certain age before starting any kind of poly relationship? How do you handle all the emotions you receive from all your relationships? What do you do when you find yourself in a tight spot? How do you move forward when things get tougher? What do you do when you have to take detour from your plan? What do you do when you just can’t manage your time for some reasons? Have you ever thought poly is not your thing? Have you ever considered to hide somewhere for a period of time?



If you've come this far after reading my babbling . . . Thank you.

http://youtu.be/cmSbXsFE3l8

 

[FallenAngelina]

.....I’m also not ready for mature women . . . women who have bigger baggage. We all have baggage and as we grow old baggage become bigger. I should be mingling with girls in my age group, hopping bars, clubs. Instead of doing those I’m in a position which requires much more responsibility, patience and calmness.

You've got a lot goin on in your post here, but I'll just address this point, which is absolutely not true. Perhaps some people aquire more unresolved and messy situations, feelings and drama as they go through life but everyone in my world is progressing the opposite way. The people that I know (myself especially) become increasingly better at discerning what they will include in their lives and what is unwanted, so messy situations fall away or never gain momentum. End of story. Many younger men are deeply drawn to older women for the very reason that many older women have a clarity and confidence regarding what they do and do not want that only experience can bestow.

My bit of advice to you personally is: Stop the madness and focus on your child.

 

[Bluebird]

I'm 37, and I'd say I have much less baggage than I did in my 20s. I've had time to own my shit and deal with it.

If you aren't happy with your relationship with S, then end it. With R leaving you, then you're down to only the one relationship - with your baby's mother. Concentrate on providing and caring for your child.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am very sorry you struggle.

If it helps, here is my opinion. Some might not be easy to hear, but I mean it kindly, ok?

Ladies and gentlemen, how do you do it?

I take responsibility for where my life goes so it unfolds with purpose. You seem to... "float along."

Do you think one has to be at certain age before starting any kind of poly relationship?

For me? It was best in my 20s (solo poly) and hopefully again in the empty nest stage of my life where I have more time again.

I don't see it having a place during my active parenting years because THAT is the relationship I need to spend most time on. Care and keeping of children I bring into the world.

By that standard, you are overloaded dude. But that is my standard for me. It is not yours. What IS yours?

How do you handle all the emotions you receive from all your relationships?

What do you do when you find yourself in a tight spot? How do you move forward when things get tougher?

I reduce input variables so I'm not stretched so thin. Hopefully that helps me see clearer.

What do you do when you have to take detour from your plan?

I do not know what that means in your context. What do you mean?

What do you do when you just can’t manage your time for some reasons?

I think you mean "when I don't manage my time for some reason." You are perfectly capable.

I would reduce variables. If I were you? I'd break up with moody R because she's a drain on my resources. Try that on for a while. Then if I had to reduce further, I would break up with S. Try that on for a while. I would stick with N who is mother of my kid and my kid. If she has to go, she goes last. We'd still have to figure out a fair coparenting gig, because I would not let go of my kid.

But that's the order I'd start simplifying my relationships. Let some of them end.

Have you ever thought poly is not your thing?

Yes. Active poly is not my thing when I'm full of other stuff. Like parenting years. I am poly, but I don't have to be practicing poly relationships.

Have you ever considered to hide somewhere for a period of time?

Sure. I take a time out and think out the plan. A time out for that is good. I do not run away from my problems. A time out for running away is just running away.

But to me there isn't much thinking to do here - it is clear to me that you are stretched too thin, and because you choose to be in the poly closet, you do not have local support to help you think things out when problems arise.

You did not plan this out well. You did not plan it at all. It all points back to "floating along" rather than taking more responsibility for how you want to arrange the things in your life.

I think you could reflect on all that and decide what you want to do about it. If you are this stressed now, it seems the laissez faire way you have been going has NOT been serving you well.

Now that you are a parent -- you might want to think about changing your way of going.

Remember -- seek to REDUCE your stressors and simplify. It might stink in the short run, but hopefully it leads to better in the long run.

Let me ask you this... would you be sad but RELIEVED if R or S broke up with you?

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Ice9,

Sounds like you have a really full plate, especially with a young son you need to help take care of. You mentioned that R may have broken up with you. I don't mean to make light of that, but that may actually simplify your life a little. Maintaining two relationships (let alone with a child) is hard enough to do.

As for your age, I don't put too much stock in that. You should be with the people you want to be with, whatever their age. Just don't overload yourself!

The others have already gave good advice so I'll keep my post fairly short. Good luck to you and keep us posted if you can!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Bluesun]

I have no advice or answers. Just wanted to say I loved reading your post and learnt quite a bit from it. Thank you

 

[Magdlyn]

Congrats on the birth of your baby boy. I always advocate for the children first, as GG said.

He is your priority. Your other gfs need to be made aware of this. If they have no compassion for an infant and his mother who are working hard to nurture him, I'd have no time for them, and tell them gently that I need to choose the baby over them. It's that simple. Babies and toddlers and preschoolers' needs always come first.

Now, you are definitely spread way too thin, yourself, young man! A medical student is a very busy person. Many people who are students can't do a good job even dating one person, let alone 3, plus caring for a new baby!

 

[Ice9]

First of all I apologize for my late respond. I did come here twice to respond but I was dragged to some other things which needed me. This is my third attempt.

Thank you HappyFallenAngel, Bluebird, GalaGirl, kdt24617, Bluesun, Magdlyn for your replies.

Perhaps some people aquire more unresolved and messy situations, feelings and drama as they go through life . . .

Yes they do. I’m one of the witnesses to that. People I know in my world first feel they need to fix things, then try to adapt to new situations and finally they gave up or accept as it is. In the long run it hurt them the most. It is just my observation. When people are younger they fight it and refuse to follow this "tradition". But when they get older they just accept it as if there is no other alternative. This is one of the reasons I'm lurking here.

Many younger men are deeply drawn to older women for the very reason that many older women have a clarity and confidence regarding what they do and do not want that only experience can bestow.

I don’t know why I am drawn to N and S. Believe me I’ve never considered their age when they become part of my life. Age issue came later but not during the consideration phase. But their confidence and sense of humor ( ability to make fun of themselves ) were the most attractive characteristics for me. They have never treated me as an immature kid. R has who is in my age group. I have to admit maturity and clarity which you’ve mentioned always get my attention. Girls around my age group really don’t see life after graduation. I always have. I once had a plan for my life. Now I lost the blueprint somewhere.

My bit of advice to you personally is: Stop the madness and focus on your child.

My child has all my attention. But I’m numb at that "stop the madness" part. This is why I came here. To find the way to stop or bring order in this madness.

I'm 37, and I'd say I have much less baggage than I did in my 20s. I've had time to own my shit and deal with it.

You could be my mother’s good friend. She talks and thinks like you except she won’t use the word shit while talking to me. I want to be you . . . Now.

If you aren't happy with your relationship with S, then end it. With R leaving you, then you're down to only the one relationship - with your baby's mother. Concentrate on providing and caring for your child.

I think I can’t say I’m unhappy with S. I didn’t expect that kind of emotion from anyone. My child has my attention.


GalaGirl

Thank you for answering my questions directly and clearly.

I take responsibility for where my life goes so it unfolds with purpose. You seem to... "float along."

I gave a lot of thought and tried to make that "float along" part false. But I couldn’t. You are right I’m floating along . . .

For me? It was best in my 20s (solo poly) and hopefully again in the empty nest stage of my life where I have more time again.

I don't see it having a place during my active parenting years because THAT is the relationship I need to spend most time on. Care and keeping of children I bring into the world.

I wish I had your sense before all these . . .

By that standard, you are overloaded dude. But that is my standard for me. It is not yours. What IS yours?

Again, you are correct. I’m way, way, way, way, way overloaded. My standard? I'm still searching.

I reduce input variables so I'm not stretched so thin. Hopefully that helps me see clearer.

I should have come to this message board in the beginning . . . But I thought I had all the answers.

I do not know what that means in your context. What do you mean?

I had a plan. A life plan. At this point I’m (I have to) taking a different route and hoping to reach the same very destination.

I would reduce variables. If I were you? I'd break up with moody R because she's a drain on my resources. Try that on for a while. Then if I had to reduce further, I would break up with S. Try that on for a while. I would stick with N who is mother of my kid and my kid. If she has to go, she goes last. We'd still have to figure out a fair coparenting gig, because I would not let go of my kid.

It is not impossible for me to walk in that path. But it is kinda hard for me.

I won’t let go of my kid.

Yes. Active poly is not my thing when I'm full of other stuff. Like parenting years. I am poly, but I don't have to be practicing poly relationships.

Can't poly be helpful in parenting? I always thought poly is much more helpful than mono when it comes to parenting.

I still have a room in my mother’s nest. She still takes care of that room as if I’m still in the high school and I haven’t left her nest. On the wall there is a picture me sitting on her boyfriend’s shoulder. The picture was taken at the zoo. I was less than two feet tall. Her boyfriends are part of my life. They all have contribution in my life. They taught me how to swim, ride a bicycle, drive a car, or play various sports. They were very strict when it came to my study. They even punished me time to time. One of them even slapped me when he discovered me smoking a "thing" in an ally. I was less than four feet tall then. My childhood was colorful and fun !

It is my own theory that the children of poly families are much more outgoing and socially very active than the children of mono families. It came from my own observation.

Sure. I take a time out and think out the plan. A time out for that is good. I do not run away from my problems. A time out for running away is just running away.

Yes. I want to run away . . . But sometime that child wraps his fingers around my index finger. It’s kinda hard to run away when a child does that.

But to me there isn't much thinking to do here - it is clear to me that you are stretched too thin, and because you choose to be in the poly closet, you do not have local support to help you think things out when problems arise.

Are you a psychic? Nowadays I do that "think things out when problems arise" thing a lot. Lately, I have lots of things to think. So I have this policy "I’ll deal with it when it comes/happens". I know very well that policy of mine is the worst policy.

You did not plan this out well. You did not plan it at all. It all points back to "floating along" rather than taking more responsibility for how you want to arrange the things in your life.

Yes. I didn’t plan it at all. Again, "floating along" is very much applicable.

I think you could reflect on all that and decide what you want to do about it. If you are this stressed now, it seems the laissez faire way you have been going has NOT been serving you well.

No, it has not.

Now that you are a parent -- you might want to think about changing your way of going.

I wish I and N had planned it just like any couple. But the child was unplanned and I'm lost my since then.

Let me ask you this... would you be sad but RELIEVED if R or S broke up with you?

I will be sad and NOT relieved if R or S leaves.

You mentioned that R may have broken up with you. I don't mean to make light of that, but that may actually simplify your life a little.

You are probably right. But . . . I don’t have any proof but I think it won’t simplify my life.

As for your age, I don't put too much stock in that. You should be with the people you want to be with, whatever their age. Just don't overload yourself!

I don’t know. I am thinking lots of things in lots of ways. Sometime I think I should go back in time force myself to be a single unattached asexual guy. Probably I’m not thinking anything at all. But sometime I think age is an issue here. It’s not their age . . . the issue is my age. I needed a little more life experience not just romantic or poly experience.

I have no advice or answers. Just wanted to say I loved reading your post and learnt quite a bit from it.

I’m glad to help.

Congrats on the birth of your baby boy.

Thank you. You are the fifth person who congratulated me. I heard something like . . . "how the hell it happened", "you stupid horny boy", "No offense . . . Guys like you keep brain between legs" . . . etc. etc.

Thank you again for congratulating me. It feels nice.

I always advocate for the children first, as GG said.

My child has all my attention.

He is your priority. Your other gfs need to be made aware of this. If they have no compassion for an infant and his mother who are working hard to nurture him, I'd have no time for them, and tell them gently that I need to choose the baby over them. It's that simple. Babies and toddlers and preschoolers' needs always come first.

They are aware of that. They also acknowledge the boy needs me more than they need me. But they also say I’m almost ignoring them. They are somewhat correct. I’m with that boy even when I’m not needed there. It’s like a preschooler with a new toy. I never had a child before.

Now, you are definitely spread way too thin, yourself, young man! A medical student is a very busy person. Many people who are students can't do a good job even dating one person, let alone 3, plus caring for a new baby!

I want to disagree with what you said. Too bad . . . I can't disagree.

 

[Ice9]

I didn’t plan anything. I wasn’t even thought about poly life.

I was introduced to R when we were in diapers. In my childhood most of my weekends were at her grandparent’s house. They had two ponds with ducks in their estates. We used to run around there. Whenever she came to my mother’s home she would work on my wardrobes. We "lost" our virginity to each other. Whenever she needed to cry she had my shoulder. During summer she always came to watch me play sports. After the games whenever I lied down on the grass she would turn my thigh into her pillow for afternoon nap even though she knew I hated that. We had lots of memories together.

The way S treats me is different than anything else. She has made me the center of her universe. She has changed herself a lot for me. I didn’t ask. I have to say a lot my maturity have come from her. I learned to do things for others, sacrifice a little bit here and there for others, be passionate for others and few other things from her. I think she made me a better person. I also think I’ve learned love (romantic kind) from her.

N made me a man. I had confidence in me but it was her who made me strong. She showed me I had capabilities which I wasn’t aware. I have learned to be responsible from her. She showed me instead of anger there are other ways to deal with uphill tasks. She showed me instead of being an arrogant and ignorant guy I can be much more. To be a man one doesn’t have to insensitive. I leaned that from her.

I won’t force anyone to be with me. If anyone decides even N . . . I would let go her/them. I will be sad if anyone of them leaves but I won’t be an obstacle in their path.

R hasn’t called me back yet and still not answering my calls. But she did send me some texts which were very touching. I was with S when she had good times. Now she is going through tough time. It is kinda hard for me to be a person who only stays with a woman in her good time but not the bad time. I can’t leave N. She is the mother of my child. Because of her I’m still functioning even though I am almost smashed.

R has a rare form of disease which is very uncommon. She requires regular blood transfusions and folate supplements. It is one of the gene things. The disease is passed from parent(s) to child. R has decided not to have a birth child. She has also decided she won’t get married ever. Her boyfriend is married. He doesn’t know she has Thalassemia. Only her parents and I know. I think she has a right to be moody.

I don’t have any memory of my father. My mother had a very tough time when I was a little boy. I saw her crying time to time. She was alone. She was emotionally broke. There was no one else around her then. I would ask her whether she had headache or stomach ache. I would offer massage even if she said it was stomach ache. Massage was the only thing I could do. A son is not enough to support a mother in a situation like that. Although S is married she is alone. Her children have failed to bond the marriage. Both she and her husband are in that marriage because of those children. She cheated her husband with me. She was all alone. A large portion of her prime was wasted on loneliness. She had lots of dreams. I understand when she opens her emotion bottle with me.

I always thought Both S and N would say goodbye sooner or later. I have never imagined they will wrap around me. R, N and S all were involved in relationships when I become tangled with them. I didn’t think my poly relationships would be complicated. I thought I’d be a secondary in all my relationships. Poly people I know make their relationships look . . . simple. They all look happy.

I don’t believe I owe R, N and S anything. Granted N is mother of my child. Still I think, I may be wrong, I don’t owe her. I do owe my son. I can’t leave him. I don’t want to be a holiday/weekend father. I also want both his parents to be with him. I had a gaff-rigged schooner (a gift from my grandfather). I had to let it go. Because I didn’t and still don’t have sufficient income to support a human child. I hope N’s income and the money I have will be enough till I become a licensed physician. My son is my priority. I refuse to become my father. I know I am spending a lot of time with the infant even when I’m not needed there. I know I’m neglecting others. Well this is a new experience to me. I’m still at shock that this little thing is my son.

They all have put up with me . . . my mucho obnoxious moments. Now they have opened their luggage. Yes, it is getting tougher for me. I enjoyed the moments when they only showed their happy side. Now they are showing their entire packages and I see those are not filled with flowers only. So . . . it’s time for me to leave . . .? ‘Cause I am too weak to handle when things are tough . . .? Am I only good for good times?

I have read all kinds of human emotions in books and made fun of those with friends. But when I felt those emotions and other kinds of emotions which are not stated in books . . . I didn’t know what to do or how to react. To me, women were for sex, to go out, and to do other fun things only. But when these real life flesh and blood women, of course, with sex organs along with personalities and emotions came to my life, when I became involved in solid serious relationships, I truly felt the gravity. The emotions they brought in made me realize the true weight of those emotions I made fun. For the first time I’ve realized what "lean on someone" means. Yes I’m overwhelmed. I’m stretched too thin. I don’t know how to deal with all these emotions or all those expectations they have. I can’t recognize the image they’ve made of me. In their eyes I'm something, something far better than who I really am. Yes I’m floating along. 'Cause I have no idea how to react in this unknown territory.

I know I can my life a lot easier. But those required steps will be hard for me. It will be also difficult for me to move on from there.

I don't what I want at this point.

 

[Dragonlady]

hey congrats on the little fellow, dont have much advice for you, you got some great advice already.
My mom always said if your not happy with you life chance it!
So a little advice after all, try to figure out what you want and strive for it. if your current relations are to much, give them up (keeping in mind the mother of your child off course)
Good luck! hard choices

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Ice9,

Your relationships are important to you, and you don't want to be the guy who bails when the going gets tough. That makes me think you'll have to bite the bullet and find a way to give all four relationships -- R, S, N, and your son -- the time and attention they deserve. When you are with each person, make sure that person gets your full attention and that your mind is not wandering.

If all five of you (plus their other partners) lived in the same house, you could all pitch in together to help take care of your son. However, you are attempting to keep all these relationships going separately, and in separate domiciles. That makes it harder, not easier, to raise your child. You probably don't have any choice but to keep the relationships separate, but it still makes things hard.

Something's got to give in order to keep up with everything you have to do, and I suppose your "me time" is what will have to go. I'm sure you'll have to sacrifice some sleep as well. I don't mean this in a stern way, I'm just observing that there's only 24 hours in a day, and right now you have more than 24 hours per day of work to do. If you don't want to give any of your relationships up, you'll have to find something else to sacrifice.

One obvious bit of advice is, don't add anything more to your life. It's already as full as possible. No more new romantic partners, no more pregnancies, etc.

Keep us updated whenever you can.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.