lostinlove16
Member
If it was about making the cake, he lives with his parents and his grandmother was visiting. He doesn't have any other relationships besides with my wife.
Sanity check?
- Thread starter lostinlove16
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I don't think it's an issue to have a younger lover. (Although I admit gender bias here. I'd be way more worried about a 20-yr old girl.) But I do think it makes things more risky in terms of family life. I don't see him as a kid. He could be a capable adult. But deliberately call him 'lover,' not partner, because with the different life-stages, I don't see them on par either, nor do I think their relationship is mature enough to warrant that label. It's a way more accurate term for the NRE stage and the original sexual intention. They can't keep their hands off of each other, so lovers it is. 
I don't know whether, being friends with your wife, your kids knew Leo before he started dating your wife. I'm not sure about the timeline - weeks, months? But I think it's too early in any relationship that hasn't lasted a year or two to count on a long-term perspective. I mean, it could last. He could continue to poly-date, find a more age-appropriate primary, but continue seeing your wife 20 years from now. He could even integrate way more into your homelife in due time. It's fine to discuss options, of course, but not base anything off the assumption that this is gonna last. Chances are, they'll have two great years of NRE and post-NRE glow, then in the third year he meets someone mono.
Which would mean, shield the kids from the effects of potential breakups. It's not fun to have your favourite uncle suddenly gone.
There's a blog here by Stevek, who has started dating a young girl in the past year. It's different genders, but you might be interested in some topics in there. (Or you might not. It does contain some potential TMI.)
I don't know whether, being friends with your wife, your kids knew Leo before he started dating your wife. I'm not sure about the timeline - weeks, months? But I think it's too early in any relationship that hasn't lasted a year or two to count on a long-term perspective. I mean, it could last. He could continue to poly-date, find a more age-appropriate primary, but continue seeing your wife 20 years from now. He could even integrate way more into your homelife in due time. It's fine to discuss options, of course, but not base anything off the assumption that this is gonna last. Chances are, they'll have two great years of NRE and post-NRE glow, then in the third year he meets someone mono.
Which would mean, shield the kids from the effects of potential breakups. It's not fun to have your favourite uncle suddenly gone.
There's a blog here by Stevek, who has started dating a young girl in the past year. It's different genders, but you might be interested in some topics in there. (Or you might not. It does contain some potential TMI.
)I'm glad you took it in the spirit intended, and you seem willing to own your parts in this.
My point was you can leave because you have adult abilities kids do not have. Small kids don't know how to drive or take a bus to get themselves out. Kids that small may not even know how to walk around in the neighborhood alone without getting lost a few streets over.
After this, you do not have to be ok with it anymore. Even if she asks, you can say, "No, I'm not up for your new BF Leo hanging out with the kids this soon," instead.
Why would the kids have to get used to Leo being around this early in their relationship? Are you and/or your wife imagining this "Like us before, but with 3 coparents!" or something?
Maybe you don't want KTP or blended poly families this soon, with this partner, or at all. There is nothing wrong with parallel poly. Or a garden party version of this, where it's largely parallel, but Leo can be invited to the annual backyard BBQ/pool party y'all throw for friends/the neighborhood. But only that event. He's not invited to all family events. It doesn't have to be that Leo regularly hangs out with you/your family/kids. He's not dating you or the kids. He's dating your wife.
Get your parenting boundaries and agreements sorted with your wife. Prioritize the children.
You could have dropped the kids off at their event with Mom picking them up. Split the load that way. Then you know they have their stuff for the event. You packed it yourself. You don't have to be anxious about it.
Or you gave them a leg up by packing it up and loading Mom's car before you left. Then you know they have their stuff for the event. You packed it yourself. You don't have to be anxious about it.
Find better ways to manage your anxiety.
But if Mom was dropping them off, what happens if she forgets? It's on her to come all the way back to get it, get a new one at the store, or live without it, depending on what the thing actually was.
You let Mom deal with the kid stuff without reminders from you. Doesn't she usually take her fair share of the parenting load?
A reminder text to Mom would have been enough, whether or not she texts you back. A phone call would have also been direct and skipped the camera peeking.
You might review with a counselor what smartphone use is ok, and not ok, now that you are moving towards open marriage.
Using devices to "hover around" is not great, be it in-house cameras or smartphones.
You could say, "Wife, can we limit this to Leo only? No more dating people this young for either of us? I get being a newbie hinge and getting caught off guard. Now this Leo thing has started, I'm not going to ask you to break up with him. But you aren't going to keep going after more people who could be our own kids, right?"
Three of you who? Leo doesn't get a vote in parenting your children. They are not his kids.
If you and your wife update your agreements on how soon dating partners can meet kids, and Leo is/was premature, it's on your wife to say, "Leo, I got carried away as a new hinge. You are great, but I've realized it's not a great precedent to have my new dating partners meeting and hanging out with my kids this early in the relationship. So let's walk that back. You can meet them more after we've been dating X months/years." And then she holds the line.
Even if nothing is creepy about Leo, it's not wise to let kids get attached to people who might not last, like, wife and Leo break up, and now the kids are all sad he doesn't come play any more. Parents can't cushion kids from all losses and all sads, but some of this can be spread out.
Slow things down.
You might bring that up in couples counseling. "I'm tired of my wife saying 'It just happened' to avoid taking personal responsibility for her choices/behaviors and how it impacts me/the family. Intent does not erase impact. Lack of planning or foresight does not erase impact. I'm tired of getting dinged this often. I would prefer if she owned it more and worked to learn needed skills so I stop getting dinged."
She can't go around acting all "NRE drunk" with Leo and whoever else she might date next, dropping the ball on her parent responsibilities or dropping the ball on the marriage with you.
In case it helps you find a counselor.
Galagirl
My point was you can leave because you have adult abilities kids do not have. Small kids don't know how to drive or take a bus to get themselves out. Kids that small may not even know how to walk around in the neighborhood alone without getting lost a few streets over.
After this, you do not have to be ok with it anymore. Even if she asks, you can say, "No, I'm not up for your new BF Leo hanging out with the kids this soon," instead.
Why would the kids have to get used to Leo being around this early in their relationship? Are you and/or your wife imagining this "Like us before, but with 3 coparents!" or something?
Maybe you don't want KTP or blended poly families this soon, with this partner, or at all. There is nothing wrong with parallel poly. Or a garden party version of this, where it's largely parallel, but Leo can be invited to the annual backyard BBQ/pool party y'all throw for friends/the neighborhood. But only that event. He's not invited to all family events. It doesn't have to be that Leo regularly hangs out with you/your family/kids. He's not dating you or the kids. He's dating your wife.
Get your parenting boundaries and agreements sorted with your wife. Prioritize the children.
You could have dropped the kids off at their event with Mom picking them up. Split the load that way. Then you know they have their stuff for the event. You packed it yourself. You don't have to be anxious about it.
Or you gave them a leg up by packing it up and loading Mom's car before you left. Then you know they have their stuff for the event. You packed it yourself. You don't have to be anxious about it.
Find better ways to manage your anxiety.
But if Mom was dropping them off, what happens if she forgets? It's on her to come all the way back to get it, get a new one at the store, or live without it, depending on what the thing actually was.
You let Mom deal with the kid stuff without reminders from you. Doesn't she usually take her fair share of the parenting load?
A reminder text to Mom would have been enough, whether or not she texts you back. A phone call would have also been direct and skipped the camera peeking.
You might review with a counselor what smartphone use is ok, and not ok, now that you are moving towards open marriage.
Using devices to "hover around" is not great, be it in-house cameras or smartphones.
You could say, "Wife, can we limit this to Leo only? No more dating people this young for either of us? I get being a newbie hinge and getting caught off guard. Now this Leo thing has started, I'm not going to ask you to break up with him. But you aren't going to keep going after more people who could be our own kids, right?"
Three of you who? Leo doesn't get a vote in parenting your children. They are not his kids.
If you and your wife update your agreements on how soon dating partners can meet kids, and Leo is/was premature, it's on your wife to say, "Leo, I got carried away as a new hinge. You are great, but I've realized it's not a great precedent to have my new dating partners meeting and hanging out with my kids this early in the relationship. So let's walk that back. You can meet them more after we've been dating X months/years." And then she holds the line.
Even if nothing is creepy about Leo, it's not wise to let kids get attached to people who might not last, like, wife and Leo break up, and now the kids are all sad he doesn't come play any more. Parents can't cushion kids from all losses and all sads, but some of this can be spread out.
Slow things down.
You might bring that up in couples counseling. "I'm tired of my wife saying 'It just happened' to avoid taking personal responsibility for her choices/behaviors and how it impacts me/the family. Intent does not erase impact. Lack of planning or foresight does not erase impact. I'm tired of getting dinged this often. I would prefer if she owned it more and worked to learn needed skills so I stop getting dinged."
She can't go around acting all "NRE drunk" with Leo and whoever else she might date next, dropping the ball on her parent responsibilities or dropping the ball on the marriage with you.
In case it helps you find a counselor.
Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory
Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory
www.polyfriendly.org
Galagirl
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Lostinlove16, you can start a new thread here in the Relationships section, with more background, or you can just add it here on this thread, so it's all in the same place for the members who are following along. If you do start a new thread, please add a link to this one.
Or, you can start a blog in our section for that. It's more just for journaling for yourself, to get things out in writing, to help you organize your thoughts. There is less feedback allowed, unless you request it.
Or, you can start a blog in our section for that. It's more just for journaling for yourself, to get things out in writing, to help you organize your thoughts. There is less feedback allowed, unless you request it.
More background to lostinlove's relationships here:
lostinlove16
Member
Thanks, I linked to this from the other post but didn't think to do the reverse here!