lostinlove16
Member
So this is the more complete version of my situation that was being discussed here: https://polyamory.com/threads/sanity-check.159512/
About a year ago, my wife (Carrie, female, 39) and I (39, male), after much discussion and a small amount of previous experience, decided to open our relationship to ENM/Swinging. We have been married 20 years and have two kids (8 and 9). It was meant to be purely a physical/sexual thing with no real emotions or relationships being formed beyond anything like a FWB, at most. One of the things we agreed on was that any guy that she sees decides they want to have sex with her, then I have to be involved in some way, shape, or form for one of the first times. I don't have to be there every time and it has to be a full on threesome, but if they want to have my wife, they have to know that I am here and not, for lack of a better description, going to be a cuckold.
She and I were both in agreement on this, and part of the whole reason for opening up was that she knew a threesome was something I have wanted for a while.
Carrie had a guy she was working with at the time who had been flirting with her some and she had been enjoying the attention, and she knew that I enjoyed when she got the attention. So they began a very casual connection, lots of flirting, some "hands on" play, and a bit of oral, as well. It never really went anywhere, as the guy was pretty flaky when it came to making time to spend with her when he had to do any actual work towards it. So after a few months it was pretty much well and done.
A month or so before that happened, my wife was talking to one of her friends from a nursing class (Leo, male, 20) during a lunch together and wanted to tell him something about guy 1. In doing so she explained our open relationship, because otherwise the whole story would have been confusing. A couple of days later, Leo (I think in a text) confessed to Carrie that he had a bit of a crush on her from class, but he never did anything because she was married. Soon after that, knowing she was in an open relationship, he asked if he could take her on an actual date or two. She asked me if that was ok, all the while telling me and friends that "She could never really date him, he's way too young." This was a common sentiment from her pretty much as soon as he expressed any interest. She was adamant that he was way too young and there was no way anything would happen (ominous foreshadowing).
They went on a date each week for the next 3 weeks, and on the second one they kissed; not making out, but apparently more than just a simple peck on the lips. They constantly texted and my wife was in a very giggly and happy the whole time.
She and I were doing amazing in our relationship. She'd come home from work and basically wrap herself around me. To keep TMI down, we really, really enjoyed ourselves during all this.
Then, after about 3 weeks, he invites her to come over and watch a movie. Note: he still lives with his parents; he is fairly independent from what I know, but not entirely. She and I talk about it. I agree, as long as she's coming home right after. Our discussion didn't lay out any hard boundaries, which falls on both of us and clearly was a misstep, but the general implication is that we assume there will be some making out, maybe a little touching, that kind of thing.
That night, she comes home and is definitely in a good mood, but is being kind of quiet and beating around the bush about it when I ask how it went. She mentions they didn't watch much of the movie, they were making out and all that, but then trails off. Having known her for so long and not being completely oblivious, I decide to ask flat out, "Did you have sex?" She says yes, and it hits me hard. Not that I never expected it to happen, but this was way too much, way too fast for me.
She apologizes and is very upset by how I am taking it. I tell her I need some time to process. When I ask how/why it went that far, she tells me, "We were kind of fooling around and all of a sudden my pants were off." She apologized profusely and (it may be a bit of wishful thinking) if I remember correctly, even offered to end things. I could tell how much that would hurt her, and I still wanted to try and explore things, so I told her it was alright. It was just going to take me a bit of time to let all of this settle in my head.
A few days later, I feel better about the whole thing, and tell Carrie as much. She and Leo continue to have a weekly date, one week just a regular dinner/movie, and the next week she goes to his place for a few hours, where they end up having sex at some point. Scheduling is based off of work schedules, as they are both in nursing. She and I are back in "all over each other" mode, and things seems to be going well.
During this time period she begins to develop feelings for Leo; they connect over lots of interests and he just makes her feel happy in general. Very soon after she has this realization, she and I have a long talk about it. She wants to make things with Leo more official, and possibly long term, if it is something that he wants as well. I'm willing to try, although from what I was told of their conversations, Leo is very hesitant, because with her being married, he doesn't think it could be a long-term relationship. But in the end we all decide to try and see what happens.
Another week or 2 go by (about 2 and a half months at this point). He has started coming over every other Saturday so he and I can get to know each other; the kids are not around at this point. The second week things get a bit "hot and heavy" on the couch watching a movie. He gets very into her, so I get involved and after a few minutes I suggest we move it upstairs and continue to see where it leads. We all go upstairs, but almost as soon as we get there he feels uncomfortable and decides he can't go through with it right now. I understand, he's young and this is all very new and imposing, so we stop and go back downstairs.
When it's "bedtime" I go up to our bedroom, and he and Carrie sleep on the couch.
Carrie and I later have a quick chat that it's fine for now, something we can work towards as he gets more used to being a "third" in our relationship. It is sometime later that I find out that he decides he doesn't want to try that again, and even states that he just wants her for himself, like without me completely. I am obviously not happy about it, and make my feelings quite clear. Carrie assures me that isn't going to happen, but asks if it's ok that we keep our relationships separate (sexually). I love my wife, and I love how happy she has been lately, and that has been because of her having Leo in her life; so I agree and adjust my expectations.
About a year ago, my wife (Carrie, female, 39) and I (39, male), after much discussion and a small amount of previous experience, decided to open our relationship to ENM/Swinging. We have been married 20 years and have two kids (8 and 9). It was meant to be purely a physical/sexual thing with no real emotions or relationships being formed beyond anything like a FWB, at most. One of the things we agreed on was that any guy that she sees decides they want to have sex with her, then I have to be involved in some way, shape, or form for one of the first times. I don't have to be there every time and it has to be a full on threesome, but if they want to have my wife, they have to know that I am here and not, for lack of a better description, going to be a cuckold.
She and I were both in agreement on this, and part of the whole reason for opening up was that she knew a threesome was something I have wanted for a while.
Carrie had a guy she was working with at the time who had been flirting with her some and she had been enjoying the attention, and she knew that I enjoyed when she got the attention. So they began a very casual connection, lots of flirting, some "hands on" play, and a bit of oral, as well. It never really went anywhere, as the guy was pretty flaky when it came to making time to spend with her when he had to do any actual work towards it. So after a few months it was pretty much well and done.
A month or so before that happened, my wife was talking to one of her friends from a nursing class (Leo, male, 20) during a lunch together and wanted to tell him something about guy 1. In doing so she explained our open relationship, because otherwise the whole story would have been confusing. A couple of days later, Leo (I think in a text) confessed to Carrie that he had a bit of a crush on her from class, but he never did anything because she was married. Soon after that, knowing she was in an open relationship, he asked if he could take her on an actual date or two. She asked me if that was ok, all the while telling me and friends that "She could never really date him, he's way too young." This was a common sentiment from her pretty much as soon as he expressed any interest. She was adamant that he was way too young and there was no way anything would happen (ominous foreshadowing).
They went on a date each week for the next 3 weeks, and on the second one they kissed; not making out, but apparently more than just a simple peck on the lips. They constantly texted and my wife was in a very giggly and happy the whole time.
She and I were doing amazing in our relationship. She'd come home from work and basically wrap herself around me. To keep TMI down, we really, really enjoyed ourselves during all this.
Then, after about 3 weeks, he invites her to come over and watch a movie. Note: he still lives with his parents; he is fairly independent from what I know, but not entirely. She and I talk about it. I agree, as long as she's coming home right after. Our discussion didn't lay out any hard boundaries, which falls on both of us and clearly was a misstep, but the general implication is that we assume there will be some making out, maybe a little touching, that kind of thing.
That night, she comes home and is definitely in a good mood, but is being kind of quiet and beating around the bush about it when I ask how it went. She mentions they didn't watch much of the movie, they were making out and all that, but then trails off. Having known her for so long and not being completely oblivious, I decide to ask flat out, "Did you have sex?" She says yes, and it hits me hard. Not that I never expected it to happen, but this was way too much, way too fast for me.
She apologizes and is very upset by how I am taking it. I tell her I need some time to process. When I ask how/why it went that far, she tells me, "We were kind of fooling around and all of a sudden my pants were off." She apologized profusely and (it may be a bit of wishful thinking) if I remember correctly, even offered to end things. I could tell how much that would hurt her, and I still wanted to try and explore things, so I told her it was alright. It was just going to take me a bit of time to let all of this settle in my head.
A few days later, I feel better about the whole thing, and tell Carrie as much. She and Leo continue to have a weekly date, one week just a regular dinner/movie, and the next week she goes to his place for a few hours, where they end up having sex at some point. Scheduling is based off of work schedules, as they are both in nursing. She and I are back in "all over each other" mode, and things seems to be going well.
During this time period she begins to develop feelings for Leo; they connect over lots of interests and he just makes her feel happy in general. Very soon after she has this realization, she and I have a long talk about it. She wants to make things with Leo more official, and possibly long term, if it is something that he wants as well. I'm willing to try, although from what I was told of their conversations, Leo is very hesitant, because with her being married, he doesn't think it could be a long-term relationship. But in the end we all decide to try and see what happens.
Another week or 2 go by (about 2 and a half months at this point). He has started coming over every other Saturday so he and I can get to know each other; the kids are not around at this point. The second week things get a bit "hot and heavy" on the couch watching a movie. He gets very into her, so I get involved and after a few minutes I suggest we move it upstairs and continue to see where it leads. We all go upstairs, but almost as soon as we get there he feels uncomfortable and decides he can't go through with it right now. I understand, he's young and this is all very new and imposing, so we stop and go back downstairs.
When it's "bedtime" I go up to our bedroom, and he and Carrie sleep on the couch.
Carrie and I later have a quick chat that it's fine for now, something we can work towards as he gets more used to being a "third" in our relationship. It is sometime later that I find out that he decides he doesn't want to try that again, and even states that he just wants her for himself, like without me completely. I am obviously not happy about it, and make my feelings quite clear. Carrie assures me that isn't going to happen, but asks if it's ok that we keep our relationships separate (sexually). I love my wife, and I love how happy she has been lately, and that has been because of her having Leo in her life; so I agree and adjust my expectations.
Best not worry about it much. Assume she's doing the best she can.