Screwed up and would like advice

A

Asparagus

New member
My partners and I have been talking future, and we've all come to the conclusion merging households is not practical in any kind of near-term or mid- range future. I've been quietly heartbroken about this, and have been checking in to make sure my assumptions about what they think/ want are accurate, and have come to a place of acceptance over the last couple of months. I'm realizing I still want the possibility to live with someone, and told them both that to be fair to me, I have to assume I may be living with someone not them in the future. Logistically, I need space and time to date more (juggling them and my other partner takes all my kid-free time), so I've been trying to get us to sit down and have a conversation, and it didn't happen, and finally, I brought up what I wanted to talk about and again asked for a time, and huge emotions broke loose. It sounded to them, I think, like I was callously saying, "you're replaceable" because I was past the heartbreak into the practicality and I suck at reassurance, quite frankly

Can you help me do damage control? Besides listening, and reassuring where I can, and bringing the emotions I have felt back into the conversation so they know they are not being blithely replaced (which is, it seems, what came off)- that this is not ideal, but I still need to, and it's not a replacement for what I want but a second best, any ideas?

I made the mistake of assuming they got the implications; I think we all need to mourn our lost future together (we may still move in, after my young kids are grown, but not without me dating around a bit with another primary partner on the table.)
 
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To add- I asked for the freedom to move our expected weekly individual dates to biweekly, keeping our together triad time, and adding in extra individual time where I can. Or mentioned that as a possible solution. That, I think, was the sucky bit from their perspective.
 
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You need to provide more specific details if you want any kind of decent advice. I understand keeping go vague generalities to protect your identity. ... but I really don't know what's going on. Based on what you've said, the requests you made seemed very reasonable...I don't understand what caused the flurry of emotions.

What happened with the couple?
 
Hi Asparagus,

I'm not sure I have the whole picture of what's going on. It seems that the main facts of the issue are, for whatever reason, you can't move in with your partners until your young kids are grown, and, while this saddens you and you wish you could live with them, you still have a need to live with *somebody* for now, and that's what you're trying to convey to them, but they're upset with you because they don't think you're very broken up about not being able to live with them. Is there anything important I am missing or misunderstanding here?

Perhaps an email or even a snail mail would allow you to explain your feelings to them without a sudden burst of upset from everyone. You need to explain to them that your first choice by far would be to live with them right now and nobody else -- yet, that you also have a need to live with *somebody* and that's why you're talking about it. Tell them you need their understanding and compassion right now, and ask them what you can do to reassure them of your love for them.

We can't always be sure that every conversation, or even every relationship, will turn out alright, but those are my initial thoughts about what you can do.

If I can think of some other ideas I'll let you know. Any further details you could provide about the situation might help me think of some other ideas.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I sound so reasonable when you put it that way! I think I'm seeing emotion, and thinking I must have done something wrong on the one hand, and if I didn't, my partners are wrong on the other. But life doesn't work like that - I have the right to change my mind about the future, and they have a right to get upset for the ways it impacts them.


I think my assumption has been if I provided the right reassurances, it would all be smooth and happy. I know, though, from the shoe being on the other foot, that isn't so. Reassurances make things easier , but things still have to be processed.

A big thing is that I've been asking for more time, and overnights, really as a temporary substitute for living together, and they've given it. So asking for potentially less time, especially when that's a reaction to what they felt was clear all along, and I'd been in denial about- living together isn't in the immediate cards- feels hurtful to them. Because it all came up at once, they feel like I want to replace them with model 2.0. And no one wants less time with me now, after working to find more time, which involved coming out (sort of) to relatives, dog-sitting, that kind of investment. I don't want less time either, but with 2 kids and 3 partners, time is just short.
 
When you can see it from the logical, objective side, you can avoid some of the panic that arises when things get very emotional. Let your partners feel what they need to feel, let them know you feel disappointed too, and let them know you want to maintain a primary relationship with them no matter what happens.
 
Let me repeat back what I understand. You correct me if I get anything wrong ok?

Partners cannot live with you in short or midrange future. (To me that's next year or in 5 years.)

You asked for more time, overnights, etc with as a temporary substitute for living together, and they've given it. It took some effort to make more time, which involved coming out (sort of) to relatives, dog-sitting, that kind of investment. In short -- WORK. Call this Plan A.

What is the time frame around that plan? Try this plan on for 3-6 mos and then evaluate? Something else?

And now you want something else to be the plan? You want less time to free you up to date someone else who might cohabitate? Call this Plan B.

I am not clear what you are asking. You are at which of these?

  • You thought you wanted Plan A, but want to chuck it. You prefer Plan B now. Do not want to try on A.
  • You still want to try Plan A on for 3-6 most or whatever the timeframe was. But want to talk out Plan B so in case Plan A folds, Plan B is ready to go.

Could you be willing to clarify? :confused:

Ultimately I think being up front and honest is best, but it's hard to suggest how to broach it when I don't get which approach you are aiming for.

Galagirl
 
I think that was a pretty good clarification. I'd like to have the option to pursue plan B, while doing plan A, because plan A doesn't seem to be working without having plan B as an option which I could take of and when I felt like it, but plan A is pretty good for me. No wonders partners feel disposable- I think I would too under the circumstances. I really like- and love- my partners, so honestly I think there's a good chance we'd still be dating when living together WAS an option, but it might not be for 14 years, and that seems intolerable without looking around. Honestly, and without editing, that is how I feel. Doesn't really make me the best of partners, though. I can see why they feel like a back-up. I don't know what to do about it, though. I feel what I feel. I agree that it's not in the best interest of the kids to live together, even though it might be in my best interest kid-free.
 
You know, that is actually probably what I need. This is a kid issue. Not a how-much-I-love-and-enjoy my partners issue. I think bridging that might help us all.
 
The only thing a potential new partner would bring in that my partners wouldn't i wanting to live with my kids. My kids deserve to be wanted, so this is a deal-breaker for me.
 
Thanks for more details.

Let me try to sum up again... And you correct me if I am off base.

So you want to live with partners, but they prefer kid free. You have kids and will not be able to offer child free for at least another 14 years. That is a long time to you.

You guys were in a Closed model before, when you thought living together was like 1 to 5 years out.

But now that it is looking like 14 years out? You want to Open it to free you to date other people who are more able to cohabitate sooner than 14 years out.

Is that it? If so, could be up front about the 14 years out being a long time to you and that you want to be free to date others if that is the case. Nobody is "bad" here. Just not compatible living arrangements at this time.

Galagirl
 
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We're an open model. We all have one other partner each, and spend the most time with the three of us.

So opening up is not new. Opening up to potentially another primary, as much as I hate to use the word, as I don't considers other partner secondary, just more part- time - that is new.

I'm not sure about preferring kid-free, but there is a pet/kid compatibility that is likely to be there a while, andy kids are generally too high energy for at least one.
 
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And, yeah, I think that I need to be up front that I'm also not seeing kid/partner compatibility (I've been suspending judgment) and 14 years is a long time.
 
Sounds like you know what you need to cover then in order to be up front and honest about where you are at today. Don't NOT say it just because all could have to digest some disappointments.

Hang in there!

Galagirl
 
If your partners were (or are) willing to live with you *and* your kids, would you be willing to have them live with you, or would you be unwilling because you sense that they don't like your kids, or that they can't handle your kids, or that they have pets that wouldn't mix well with your kids?

This matters because it determines whether living with you is a standing invitation. Is it you that's saying, "No I can't have you guys living with my kids," them saying, "No we can't live with your kids," or both?
 
Asparagus, something about your partners and you strikes a chord with my own experiences with my ex.

Things seemed so wonderful at first, but after NRE wore off (after a year), I realized we had very different r'ship goals. This did result in me wanting to see less of him; when what I really wanted was more.

In our case, it wasn't that he didn't like my kids. It was various other things. But yeah, it must be tough to tell them, even with more dates, your needs (for a live-in partner who wants to be like a parent to your kids) are not being met. You didn't screw up. It just took time for you to realize this.

Next time, I guess they need to look for a child-free unicorn...

Family comes first! It is admirable, not a fuck-up, to want someone who loves your kids.
 
Magdlyn said:
Family comes first! It is admirable, not a fuck-up, to want someone who loves your kids.
Click to expand...

Amen to this. Your kids are your highest priority, just like it should be.

Also, I do understand the need for a live-in partner - heck, I have two myself and love it! It is a different dynamic when you cohabitate and it is definitely okay to want that.
 
We talked. We're still talking, as there's a lot that came up, but looks like there was a lack of or miscommunication about time frames, and willingness, and what would be needed to merge, and we're all feeling it can be done, but will take a reasonable while. Independently, we all have the same general time frame.

I want to just, in their defense, say that they weren't and aren't looking for a unicorn. I looked for them, not because they were a couple, but because I liked one of their profiles online, and when clicking on the link to partners, realized they were equally appealing.

Family does come first. Both groups are my family, though. Thankfully, they also get that children need to come first, and are totally on board with whatever needs to be done being done for the kids. I got to feel their support for that in a way I hadn't before, but also that they still very much wanted me with them. All of us, I think, haVe put kids' best interest first, but we forgot to talk about us in this equation. I think a lot of the misunderstanding could have been because they don't have kids, and it's my first time dating with them, we're new at this. As my girlfriend pointed out, I have needs as a parent that others might not, and we've not really talked about them. I also have needs as a person-outside-of-parent that need to be met in Order for me to not be resentful of the kids, which is the last place I ever want to be, and I'm aware of that, which is why I'm dating in the first olace. The biggest being partnered in the first place, or at least having the option to partner. And that including eventual changes in the household if I can find the right situation.

Thank you for your support- all of you. It as nice to know that I was being reasonable.
 
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