Seeking advice about what is possible with poly vs mono.

[IrishWolfie]

I'm in a decade+ relationship with my nesting partner. We started off mono and became poly about 6 years ago, after much discussion and reading.TBH we did it for the wrong reasons (sexual incompatibility) but we've actually done a pretty decent job making it work. After a lot of growing pains, the two of us are on the surface doing better than we ever have been. My partner has a partner of about 4 years. I, otoh, have never really dated. Turns out I'm not really interested, I'm happy with just him. I don't actually think I'm poly (and if it's relevant, I don't think my metamour is either, but she enjoys playing with others).

And now I'm at a crossroads. The two of them want us all move in together. She wants to live with him/us, and he wants something "different". He isn't satisfied with the arrangement we have now, and wants a poly household. I was excited about the idea at first, but when I dug into my feelings I realized that's not what I want. I like what we have (us having our home together and other partner living in her space). I'm comfortable with him having another partner, but I realized that all moving in together would dissolve any remaining sense of what he would call "mono privilege".

And there's the rub - turns out I like mono privilege. I intellectually understand why it's called "privilege", as someone who definitely leans more toward non-hierarchical relationships in theory. And I of course understand why my metamour might prefer a different arrangement than what we have. But I'm realizing that my mono-ness has finally reached a hard boundary. I WANT to be the most important person in someone's life. I WANT to build a life together with one person. I WANT that sense of each person working toward three entities - "me, you, and us" (if that makes sense). I don't think all these things are mutually exclusive of polyamory (some of them are). But my partner is very independent and has stated that he doesn't understand the concept of two individuals and then also "the relationship" as a thing you build together.

Poly or not, I've learned that this is a really important concept to me, and something that I need. It is not, apparently, something he needs. So I'm beginning to accept that this relationship has probably run its course. But I love him deeply. He is the person I care most about in the world, and I want to think this through as much as possible so I feel secure in knowing I did the right thing. This is definitely a time I need to listen to my heart but use my head.

So what is my question...I guess...I just want to hear from experienced poly people about my need for building something together, something that is just yours and one partner's. Is this incompatible with non-hierarchical poly at a basic level? Is there anything to be done, conversations to be had, alternatives to consider, or is this just not a compatible relationship?

 

[Magdlyn]

If you want a monogamous relationship, where you and your OSO both agree you are and will remain mono, then that's that.

Of course, in this day and age, with gender roles changing, the patriarchy gradually crumbling, birth control abundant, jobs for women paying fairly decently (all this in general terms of course, and for the Western world), modern polyamory is only going to keep growing and becoming more normalized. It is a feminist concept.

So will you ever really meet someone you love as deeply as your current husband, whom you KNOW somehow, deep down, will always remain loyally mono with you? A lot of "mono" people cheat. At least your h is openly poly.

It seems you mostly got triggered at the idea of sharing a house with your meta. Believe me, lots of poly people shudder at the idea of sharing a house with a meta! You could put your foot down on that. Your meta could move closer. Or you all could move into 2 separate but nearby residences, even condos or apartments in the same building. Your h might want the ability to walk to his gf's place in 10 minutes or less, for example. There are plenty of ways for him to be closer to her, but you still get to have your sacred space, unshared by another woman.

 

[Inaniel]

I realized that all moving in together would dissolve any remaining sense of what he would call "mono privilege".

I understand this as a personal statement that you are applying to your own feelings. I do not think this statement is intrinsically true for all.

I live with two partners and I do not feel like moving in together immediately stripped relationships of privilege. If this were a natural rule, a fact of life, mono couples would never be able to have roommates without destroying the relationship...

I think this is more like your "rule", and it sounds like you have thought it out and it is okay that you feel that way.

And there's the rub - turns out I like mono privilege. I intellectually understand why it's called "privilege", as someone who definitely leans more toward non-hierarchical relationships in theory. And I of course understand why my metamour might prefer a different arrangement than what we have. But I'm realizing that my mono-ness has finally reached a hard boundary. I WANT to be the most important person in someone's life. I WANT to build a life together with one person. I WANT that sense of each person working toward three entities - "me, you, and us" (if that makes sense). I don't think all these things are mutually exclusive of polyamory (some of them are). But my partner is very independent and has stated that he doesn't understand the concept of two individuals and then also "the relationship" as a thing you build together.

Poly or not, I've learned that this is a really important concept to me, and something that I need. It is not, apparently, something he needs. So I'm beginning to accept that this relationship has probably run its course. But I love him deeply. He is the person I care most about in the world, and I want to think this through as much as possible so I feel secure in knowing I did the right thing. This is definitely a time I need to listen to my heart but use my head.

So what is my question...I guess...I just want to hear from experienced poly people about my need for building something together, something that is just yours and one partner's. Is this incompatible with non-hierarchical poly at a basic level? Is there anything to be done, conversations to be had, alternatives to consider, or is this just not a compatible relationship?

I am having trouble understanding what "building something together" means to you.
A family?
A home?
A Lego kit?
....

something that is just yours and one partner's.

Philosophically, if what you are building with your partner MUST be exclusive, meaning your partner shall not build something similar with anyone else... I agree that includes some level of privilege and is hierarchal in nature....

However I do not feel like "building something" with someone automatically denotes hierarchy. If your partner were able to build whatever came naturally with you, AND whatever came naturally with his other partner. As long as what each relationship built together had no overlap, and no rules or restrictions you would find yourself in a situation where you have something that is "just yours" with your partner, and your meta has something that is "Just hers" with your partner. No hierarchy in sight...

If you have a hard and fast rule that your partner must live full time with you... If the idea of him splitting residences, or living with his meta (while you have your own place), is a deal breaker for you.

All you can do is tell him where you stand. It sounds like you have thought a lot about what you need already... You can tell him and see if he can give it to you. If not, perhaps like you said, the relationship has run its course...

 

[GalaGirl]

And now I'm at a crossroads. The two of them want us all move in together. She wants to live with him/us, and he wants something "different". He isn't satisfied with the arrangement we have now, and wants a poly household. I was excited about the idea at first, but when I dug into my feelings I realized that's not what I want.

Then say "No thanks" and let the chip fall where they may.

I'm comfortable with him having another partner, but I realized that all moving in together would dissolve any remaining sense of what he would call "mono privilege".

Or maybe you just want your own space? Not all poly people want to be living together.

I asked DH that once, and he said he's not keen to live with metas. He said might reconsider in older age but after getting kids out of here? He wants to enjoy the empty nest with just me for a while - not rush stick new people in here. And I agree with him.

It's been DECADES since we had to deal in adult roomies. And that's "regular" adult roomies and not like poly partners.

Don't assumes the poly people are even compatible for living together.

kathylabriola.com - POLY LIVING STYLES: SHOULD WE ALL LIVE TOGETHER?

INTRODUCTION Over the past 40 years that I have been involved in what is now called the polyamorous community, I’ve seen people try many permutations of multi-partner living. Over the past nearly 20 years that I have been counseling poly people professionally, I’ve noticed there to be a strong

www.kathylabriola.com

I just want to hear from experienced poly people about my need for building something together, something that is just yours and one partner's.

Even in a V, I would want that. I believe a larger polyship is made up of all the little relationships inside, and each dyad in there needs to have its own privacy and its own things.

I would want something special that me and Partner A build together for just us. Whether it's owning a home together, making a garden, making music, whatever it is. The things that make our relationship unique and special. And I would want something that me and Partner B build together for just us.

Is this incompatible with non-hierarchical poly at a basic level?

If what you want is to share a home only with the hinge? I think it depends.

• Is this like you have your home and meta has her home, and hinge shares these homes and travels between the two? Then maybe that works because the hinge has two separate nests.
• Is this like every person has their own flat? And you go visit hinge at his flat or he comes to yours? That could work with three separate nests.
• If hinge wants only ONE nest with all their partners in it? That's not gonna fly here, because you want your own space and you don't want to be in his nest with other partners.

But my partner is very independent and has stated that he doesn't understand the concept of two individuals and then also "the relationship" as a thing you build together.

I don't get that. How does he relate then? You cannot have a relationship dyad without the two people participating in the relationship.

Is there anything to be done, conversations to be had, alternatives to consider, or is this just not a compatible relationship?

Sounds like you mostly accept this has run its course. Just maybe not at final acceptance and trying to make your peace with it.

Now that you have spent some time getting to know him in his poly context? It may be that he goes about his poly-shipping may not be for you as a mono end point.

Like maybe if it was with a poly partner who DID want to be nesting partners with just you and not have other people living there it could work out.

But nope, not in this case.

And if you ultimately want to practice monogamy? You have to go with what you really want, not be "making do" with "close enough" poly.

Galagirl

 

[icesong]

I don't get that. How does he relate then? You cannot have a relationship dyad without the two people participating in the relationship.

I actually see that as a valid phrasing / philosophy. A relationship IS two people interacting and making choices of things to share. It doesn’t exist as a separate, third thing outside the people involved, and thus I don’t think there’s a thing to “build” as it’s own entity.

(Two people can certainly choose to share more things both practical and immaterial, or build more intimacy or commitment into the way they relate. That still, IMO, doesn’t support the idea of an “us” that exists as its own entity. )

 

[GalaGirl]

That helped, thanks. May be one of those "Do we use words the same?" calibration thing.

Galagirl

 

[IrishWolfie]

And now I'm at a crossroads. The two of them want us all move in together. She wants to live with him/us, and he wants something "different". He isn't satisfied with the arrangement we have now, and wants a poly household. I was excited about the idea at first, but when I dug into my feelings I realized that's not what I want.

Then say "No thanks" and let the chip fall where they may.

First of all, thank you so much for your detailed reply. It's VERY helpful and clarifying.

I ended up telling him this weekend that this isn't something I want right now. I don't yet know where the chips have fallen, he felt blindsided and said he had to think about it some more.

I'm comfortable with him having another partner, but I realized that all moving in together would dissolve any remaining sense of what he would call "mono privilege".

Or maybe you just want your own space? Not all poly people want to be living together.

I asked DH that once, and he said he's not keen to live with metas. He said might reconsider in older age but after getting kids out of here? He wants to enjoy the empty nest with just me for a while - not rush stick new people in here. And I agree with him.

It's been DECADES since we had to deal in adult roomies. And that's "regular" adult roomies and not like poly partners.

Don't assumes the poly people are even compatible for living together.

kathylabriola.com - POLY LIVING STYLES: SHOULD WE ALL LIVE TOGETHER?

INTRODUCTION Over the past 40 years that I have been involved in what is now called the polyamorous community, I’ve seen people try many permutations of multi-partner living. Over the past nearly 20 years that I have been counseling poly people professionally, I’ve noticed there to be a strong

www.kathylabriola.com

I've considered this. I really do love having a nesting partner, but we've had sudden housemates a couple times and while those weren't 1:1 experiences to having a meta live with us longterm, I did not love it.

I just want to hear from experienced poly people about my need for building something together, something that is just yours and one partner's.

Even in a V, I would want that. I believe a larger polyship is made up of all the little relationships inside, and each dyad in there needs to have its own privacy and its own things.

I would want something special that me and Partner A build together for just us. Whether it's owning a home together, making a garden, making music, whatever it is. The things that make our relationship unique and special. And I would want something that me and Partner B build together for just us.

Yes - that second part 100%. That's what I want. And I'm afraid that this may be simply an issue with my relationship with him in general. I think I'm clinging to our home together as the only clear thing we have that is our special thing, and if we all move into a new house with the meta that one thing will be gone.

Is this incompatible with non-hierarchical poly at a basic level?

If what you want is to share a home only with the hinge? I think it depends.

• Is this like you have your home and meta has her home, and hinge shares these homes and travels between the two? Then maybe that works because the hinge has two separate nests.
• Is this like every person has their own flat? And you go visit hinge at his flat or he comes to yours? That could work with three separate nests.
• If hinge wants only ONE nest with all their partners in it? That's not gonna fly here, because you want your own space and you don't want to be in his nest with other partners.

But my partner is very independent and has stated that he doesn't understand the concept of two individuals and then also "the relationship" as a thing you build together.

I don't get that. How does he relate then? You cannot have a relationship dyad without the two people participating in the relationship.

The best way to describe it, or at least my impression of it, is that in many ways solo poly is super appealing to him. But he still really wants to share a house with his girls, for physical, financial, and sometimes emotional reasons. A little of column A (independent housemates) a little of column B (multiple nesting partners). And it's just not something I relate to. TBH I've thought about this a LOT over the past 2-3 years, as I've seen him pull away from an "us" mindset in several ways.

Is there anything to be done, conversations to be had, alternatives to consider, or is this just not a compatible relationship?

Sounds like you mostly accept this has run its course. Just maybe not at final acceptance and trying to make your peace with it.

Now that you have spent some time getting to know him in his poly context? It may be that he goes about his poly-shipping may not be for you as a mono end point.

Like maybe if it was with a poly partner who DID want to be nesting partners with just you and not have other people living there it could work out.

But nope, not in this case.

And if you ultimately want to practice monogamy? You have to go with what you really want, not be "making do" with "close enough" poly.

Galagirl

I think you nailed it with his style of poly-shipping. Specifically right now, THIS kind of poly isn't for me. But if he's committed to it, well, that's that.

Thank you again so much. Lots to think about!

 

[IrishWolfie]

It seems you mostly got triggered at the idea of sharing a house with your meta. Believe me, lots of poly people shudder at the idea of sharing a house with a meta! You could put your foot down on that. Your meta could move closer. Or you all could move into 2 separate but nearby residences, even condos or apartments in the same building. Your h might want the ability to walk to his gf's place in 10 minutes or less, for example. There are plenty of ways for him to be closer to her, but you still get to have your sacred space, unshared by another woman.

Thanks for your reply! And yeah, when I really got past the "new place, bigger place, this sounds fun" excitement I really had to question whether I wanted it. And I don't. Unfortunately, an earlier idea (like a year ago) was that meta would buy a small house in the neighborhood that was just hers. That sounded great and suited everyone at the time. But now she really wants to move in with bf and no longer wants to live alone. So I'm not sure anything else is an appealing option. Not that I'm in charge of finding solutions for her, but there are definitely some incompatibilities now, which is a bummer to say the least.

I think the pandemic has reinforced for me how important my home is to me, and that having that space we share, that we've created together, is really special and not something I want to give up.

 

[IrishWolfie]

I understand this as a personal statement that you are applying to your own feelings. I do not think this statement is intrinsically true for all.

I live with two partners and I do not feel like moving in together immediately stripped relationships of privilege. If this were a natural rule, a fact of life, mono couples would never be able to have roommates without destroying the relationship...

I think this is more like your "rule", and it sounds like you have thought it out and it is okay that you feel that way.

Totally, merely a personal statement. I think I'm conflating "mono privilege" with something else - like if he built a home (figuratively) with meta I don't think I'd mind at all. So it's not that the home itself = mono privilege, as you say. It's that, unfortunately, I think our home is the best and perhaps only representation of what is just OURS. He is extremely focused on egalitarianism and stripping any hierarchy, which I think has actually led to removing or diluting, one by one, things that make our relationship special and just ours.

I am having trouble understanding what "building something together" means to you.
A family?
A home?
A Lego kit?
....



Philosophically, if what you are building with your partner MUST be exclusive, meaning your partner shall not build something similar with anyone else... I agree that includes some level of privilege and is hierarchal in nature....

However I do not feel like "building something" with someone automatically denotes hierarchy. If your partner were able to build whatever came naturally with you, AND whatever came naturally with his other partner. As long as what each relationship built together had no overlap, and no rules or restrictions you would find yourself in a situation where you have something that is "just yours" with your partner, and your meta has something that is "Just hers" with your partner. No hierarchy in sight...

This all makes a ton of sense!

All you can do is tell him where you stand. It sounds like you have thought a lot about what you need already... You can tell him and see if he can give it to you. If not, perhaps like you said, the relationship has run its course...

Woof. Yeah. I did bring up to him this weekend that I don't want to al move in together. It was sort of the ice breaker and we'll be coming back to it, so we'll see.

Thanks again for your reply!

 

[IrishWolfie]

I actually see that as a valid phrasing / philosophy. A relationship IS two people interacting and making choices of things to share. It doesn’t exist as a separate, third thing outside the people involved, and thus I don’t think there’s a thing to “build” as it’s own entity.

(Two people can certainly choose to share more things both practical and immaterial, or build more intimacy or commitment into the way they relate. That still, IMO, doesn’t support the idea of an “us” that exists as its own entity. )

That totally makes sense and I appreciate your perspective on it. It could well be this is how he's looking at it and we're just using language to explain our feeling very differently.

This came up when we met a counselor for possible therapy (which he ultimately wasn't into, unfortunately) and the counselor asked what we wanted out of therapy. One of the things I said was that I felt like we both were trying very hard to be better individuals, and learn about ourselves and what we needed. But that it felt like we had retreated to "our corners" to do this work and were neglecting the living thing that is our relationship. A way I phrased it to a friend recently was that we were like two boats tethered together, instead of one single boat with two people on it.

 

[dierdre080]

I'm in a decade+ relationship with my nesting partner. We started off mono and became poly about 6 years ago, after much discussion and reading.TBH we did it for the wrong reasons (sexual incompatibility) but we've actually done a pretty decent job making it work. After a lot of growing pains, the two of us are on the surface doing better than we ever have been. My partner has a partner of about 4 years. I, otoh, have never really dated. Turns out I'm not really interested, I'm happy with just him. I don't actually think I'm poly (and if it's relevant, I don't think my metamour is either, but she enjoys playing with others).

And now I'm at a crossroads. The two of them want us all move in together. She wants to live with him/us, and he wants something "different". He isn't satisfied with the arrangement we have now, and wants a poly household. I was excited about the idea at first, but when I dug into my feelings I realized that's not what I want. I like what we have (us having our home together and other partner living in her space). I'm comfortable with him having another partner, but I realized that all moving in together would dissolve any remaining sense of what he would call "mono privilege".

And there's the rub - turns out I like mono privilege. I intellectually understand why it's called "privilege", as someone who definitely leans more toward non-hierarchical relationships in theory. And I of course understand why my metamour might prefer a different arrangement than what we have. But I'm realizing that my mono-ness has finally reached a hard boundary. I WANT to be the most important person in someone's life. I WANT to build a life together with one person. I WANT that sense of each person working toward three entities - "me, you, and us" (if that makes sense). I don't think all these things are mutually exclusive of polyamory (some of them are). But my partner is very independent and has stated that he doesn't understand the concept of two individuals and then also "the relationship" as a thing you build together.

Poly or not, I've learned that this is a really important concept to me, and something that I need. It is not, apparently, something he needs. So I'm beginning to accept that this relationship has probably run its course. But I love him deeply. He is the person I care most about in the world, and I want to think this through as much as possible so I feel secure in knowing I did the right thing. This is definitely a time I need to listen to my heart but use my head.

So what is my question...I guess...I just want to hear from experienced poly people about my need for building something together, something that is just yours and one partner's. Is this incompatible with non-hierarchical poly at a basic level? Is there anything to be done, conversations to be had, alternatives to consider, or is this just not a compatible relationship?

I have a situation where what you are seeking is totally achievable and all parties would want that while also being poly- but here is the rub of it: I have one partner who wants to build a life with me; and one who wants to be nomadic and do his own thing, and come visit, or meet me in other cities, etc. But the thing is- it doesn't sound like that is what your NP wants, nor his other partner. It is never easy to see the end of a relationship on the horizon, but it is also super important that you are having your needs met- and equally important that your NP and his other partner are having their needs met, also. Sometimes those things become too great of an incompatibility for the relationship to continue the way it has been. Since your NP is so important to you, you might be able to continue to have him in your life as a non-NP if you want to do that, but I think you need to think really hard about whether ENM is a right fit for you. There is nothing wrong with it not being what you want for yourself.

 

[dierdre080]

Thanks for your reply! And yeah, when I really got past the "new place, bigger place, this sounds fun" excitement I really had to question whether I wanted it. And I don't. Unfortunately, an earlier idea (like a year ago) was that meta would buy a small house in the neighborhood that was just hers. That sounded great and suited everyone at the time. But now she really wants to move in with bf and no longer wants to live alone. So I'm not sure anything else is an appealing option. Not that I'm in charge of finding solutions for her, but there are definitely some incompatibilities now, which is a bummer to say the least.

I think the pandemic has reinforced for me how important my home is to me, and that having that space we share, that we've created together, is really special and not something I want to give up.

I liked the point that someone made that the living together piece is the problematic piece. Is there a possibility of your NP sharing his time between your residence and hers? Would you be open to that? Then they get to have the "living together" feeling, and you don't have to give it up entirely.

 

[GalaGirl]

Unfortunately, an earlier idea (like a year ago) was that meta would buy a small house in the neighborhood that was just hers. That sounded great and suited everyone at the time. But now she really wants to move in with bf and no longer wants to live alone. So I'm not sure anything else is an appealing option. Not that I'm in charge of finding solutions for her, but there are definitely some incompatibilities now, which is a bummer to say the least.

Could this still work out?

She rents a flat or buys a house. You have a flat or house too. Also near by. And he lives with you both just splitting his time?

Or are meta and him set on all in one nest? If so, they may have to seek that with someone else and not you.

I ended up telling him this weekend that this isn't something I want right now. I don't yet know where the chips have fallen, he felt blindsided and said he had to think about it some more.

Good. Speak your truth.

He can take some time to digest that and figure out if/how it aligns with what he wants.

A way I phrased it to a friend recently was that we were like two boats tethered together, instead of one single boat with two people on it.

Could that work in your talks with hinge and meta?

Sounds like it's been

(you+ him) in one boat or house. Meta in another boat, connected by a string.

Now he and meta want everyone in the same boat. And you don't.

Could it work if it was two boats -- your boat and meta boat connected by a string and he spends time on both boats?

Or everyone in their own boat/flat? No strings, just sailing in the same direction? Or some other kind of boat combo?

In the end, if what he suggests is not something you want? You may have to part ways because his style of polyshipping doesn't resonate for you. Which is a bummer because no one breaks up like "Hooray! Cookies!" Even when it's the best choice in the situation and wanted, breaking up comes with some grief. But it's better than just going along with whatever just to avoid a break up.

I hope things work out one way or another for you so you can be happy again over time.

Galagirl

 

[MeeraReed]

There are definitely poly relationships where the "hinge" partner maintains separate homes with each of his/her partners. The two metamours live separately and the hinge splits his/her time between the two homes.

It sounds like that could be an appealing option for you?

The obvious obstacle is usually financial. It's not realistic to assume the hinge could afford to contribute financially to two separate houses.

But stick to your guns about not wanting to live with your metamour. Many poly people (myself included) would NEVER want to live with a metamour.

About you and your partner having different views on whether there is a "relationship" to build that is separate from the two of you as individuals. I get where your partner is coming from--I am a really independent person and one thing that always made me shudder is the idea that a relationship is sort of a third entity that exists apart from the two people in it. As if those two people are working to maintain some sort of giant creature or pet together. Like, the idea of going to marriage counselling to save "the marriage" as if that's a separate thing than the two people in it...just never sat well with me.

When I met my partner Eli, we bonded over sharing the same horror of the idea of a "relationship" as a separate entity. That's one of our compatibilities.

However, other people feel differently. Many couples view their relationship as a garden that needs tending and nurturing and weeding and building. It can be a cute and healthy way to view relationships.

I can't assess how incompatible you and your partner are because of your different views. You might be happier with someone who views a relationship the same way you do.

 

[IrishWolfie]

There are definitely poly relationships where the "hinge" partner maintains separate homes with each of his/her partners. The two metamours live separately and the hinge splits his/her time between the two homes.

It sounds like that could be an appealing option for you?

The obvious obstacle is usually financial. It's not realistic to assume the hinge could afford to contribute financially to two separate houses.

But stick to your guns about not wanting to live with your metamour. Many poly people (myself included) would NEVER want to live with a metamour.

When metamour first moved here from out of state a couple years ago, that was the idea. She wanted to buy a place of her own in the neighborhood after she was settled (she's in a small apartment nearby at the moment). At that time I think everyone was thinking it would be "her house" and my and NP would still have "our house". We haven't really considered having it be more, our house and their house. I can certainly propose it! Finances are an issue, we live in a pricey area and part of the appeal of all moving in together would be saving money. But I can definitely suggest it as something to think about. I admit we as a group haven't talked about many alternatives, just "status quo" vs all moving in together.

And thank you for the validation on not wanting to live with a meta. I actually think we'd all make decent housemates on the surface, but while I care about her and we're definitely friends, I realized I'd started dreading the idea because of personality conflicts that I was mentally sweeping under the rug.

About you and your partner having different views on whether there is a "relationship" to build that is separate from the two of you as individuals. I get where your partner is coming from--I am a really independent person and one thing that always made me shudder is the idea that a relationship is sort of a third entity that exists apart from the two people in it. As if those two people are working to maintain some sort of giant creature or pet together. Like, the idea of going to marriage counselling to save "the marriage" as if that's a separate thing than the two people in it...just never sat well with me.

When I met my partner Eli, we bonded over sharing the same horror of the idea of a "relationship" as a separate entity. That's one of our compatibilities.

However, other people feel differently. Many couples view their relationship as a garden that needs tending and nurturing and weeding and building. It can be a cute and healthy way to view relationships.

This is super helpful! I've struggled to really understand his point of view, but this makes it easier and really helps me be able to empathize. And I love the garden analogy, that's such a great way to articulate how I feel!

I can't assess how incompatible you and your partner are because of your different views. You might be happier with someone who views a relationship the same way you do.

Yeah. Depending on how the moving conversation evolves, I'd like to dig into this a little more with him. I know I'm not currently getting what I want, but we haven't really talked about this much. Worth at least discussing and seeing if there's a place where we're both happy and getting what we need. But I've also pretty much accepted the possibility that we're simply not compatible in this way, so it's more...due diligence so I don't have regrets

Thanks so much!

 

[IrishWolfie]

Could this still work out?

She rents a flat or buys a house. You have a flat or house too. Also near by. And he lives with you both just splitting his time?

Or are meta and him set on all in one nest? If so, they may have to seek that with someone else and not you.

I will suggest the idea of two places! That's not something we've discussed but it could be possible. And I think it would suit myself and meta. I have no idea how my partner would feel but it's worth thinking about for sure.

Could that work in your talks with hinge and meta?

Sounds like it's been

(you+ him) in one boat or house. Meta in another boat, connected by a string.

Now he and meta want everyone in the same boat. And you don't.

Could it work if it was two boats -- your boat and meta boat connected by a string and he spends time on both boats?

Or everyone in their own boat/flat? No strings, just sailing in the same direction? Or some other kind of boat combo?

I'm not sure I've actually used this boat metaphor with him before, so I'll try it! I find it descriptive, personally

In the end, if what he suggests is not something you want? You may have to part ways because his style of polyshipping doesn't resonate for you. Which is a bummer because no one breaks up like "Hooray! Cookies!" Even when it's the best choice in the situation and wanted, breaking up comes with some grief. But it's better than just going along with whatever just to avoid a break up.

I hope things work out one way or another for you so you can be happy again over time.

Galagirl

Yeah. I'm coming to grips with this possibility. It would be utterly heartbreaking, but I deserve the have the kind of relationship/s that fulfill me and make me truly happy, not just "good enough", as you said before.

Thank you so much <3

 

[kdt26417]

Hello IrishWolfie,

I get the impression that the main sticking point for you, is the moment at which the "three" of you decided to combine households. Your partner (and meta) want/s that -- and you do not. At the same time, you love your partner a lot, and maybe you and he have like, a million things in common, so, I don't know if leaving him would even be something you would consider. To me it sounds like the best solution would be two smaller domiciles, with your partner switching back and forth. But I don't know how set he is on the "all living together" idea. You will have to sit down with him, and talk about these things. I hope that talk will go well, good luck.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.