Seeking Advice to Reassure Situationship

[SeekingAnswers64]

Hello everyone!

I was hoping to gain some insight as to what I could do in my situation from other non-monogamous peeps on here.

My primary partner and I have been together for a while now, and non-monogamous for more than 2 years. For about 6 months we have been doing long distance due to personal life circumstances, but are still committed to each other and reuniting to start our lives together. (We are engaged.)

We label our relationship as an open relationship, but over the period we have been non-monogamous we have learned in our discussions that we treat this more with a polyamorous mindset, and both have different needs and approaches to exploring this. What remains consistent for us both is the following:

• We both have agreed that our relationships outside of each other do not need to strictly adhere to physical boundaries, and we can "date" others so long as these relationships do not take precedence over our primary partner.
• We are not interested in the details of each other's relationships with others, but trust each other to adhere to the physical and emotional boundaries we have put in place regarding our relationship structure.

I have been seeing someone on and off for the past few months, and we have been hitting it off. They are aware of my partner, and I have been honest about my relationship structure with them. My partner is aware that I am exploring the dating scene in my new place of residence, but out of respect for each other's feelings I do not share details with her.

The person I am seeing and I check-in frequently on our "situationship." We check how the other is feeling, and what our expectations are. While we really enjoy each other's company, friendship, and to some degree partnership, we have both made it clear that neither of us are able to commit to anything serious enough to be more than what it is now in the future. We are both okay with enjoying whatever this is in the moment without feeling the need to commit to anything more.

One concern from their end that has come up multiple times is the worry about any emotional connection I have with them. They say they are able to trust that I am allowed to explore sexual experiences outside of my relationship, but without confirmation from my primary partner are worried that they are forced to just trust me when it comes to the claim that emotions are allowed too (within reason). However they also understand that confronting my partner directly would be something she isn't comfortable with, and doesn't want to disrupt that.

My question is as follows - has anyone experienced something similar? And does anyone have any suggestions as to what could be a good way to provide confirmation from my partner to the person I'm seeing? The only thing I can think of is being open with my partner that someone I'm seeing wants some kind of confirmation that my partner is okay with non-monogamy so long as our boundaries are respected. Any suggestions and advice would be appreciated!

 

[Bobbi]

I do quick video meets when my partner is Facetiming with any new partner. He will just say, "Hey, this is Sally. Want to say hi?" And I'll say "Hi, nice to meet you. I'm going to do dishes now, so you two can do whatever you are doing." To me, that's enough. Everyone will feel differently.

 

[SeekingAnswers64]

I do quick video meet when my partner is Facetiming with any new partner. To me, that's enough. Everyone will feel differently.

Thanks for your input. Unfortunately, knowing my partner, she will feel too confronted by this.

 

[Evie]

Out of curiosity, what are emotions "within reason"?

Also, what happens if you get hit by a bus tomorrow and end up in hospital for a while? Would primary tell situationship? Or would situationship think you ghosted?

 

[SeekingAnswers64]

Out of curiosity, what are emotions "within reason"?

Also, what happens if you get hit by a bus tomorrow and end up in hospital for a while? Would primary tell situationship? Or would situationship think you ghosted?

Sorry, that was a typing error on my part. I meant more like "with good reason." English isn't my first language.

To answer your 2nd question, I am geographically closer to situationship, primary is overseas. Both would be informed by my emergency contact, my Primary first, and my situationship later out of courtesy. My friends and family know my primary as my fiance, and my situationship as my close friend.

 

[Magdlyn]

Many poly people practice "parallel poly," where the two metamours don't meet, or rarely meet. Now that your Situationship and Primary are far apart, there is no reason for their paths to cross.

If Primary refuses to meet Situation, for whatever reason, that can be respected. She probably feels better keeping her distance, at least for now. This could change as she gets more used to ENM.

As for Situation, I don't know. It seems she just has to trust your word. If you seem trustworthy in other areas, then she might eventually feel better trusting you on this too. But maybe she's had her trust in others broken time and time again, or in horrific ways, and so it's running over into this relationship.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello SeekingAnswers64,

The only thing I can think of is being open with your partner that someone you're seeing wants some kind of confirmation that your partner is okay with non-monogamy so long as your boundaries are respected. I know that's probably not what you wanted to hear.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.

 

[icesong]

To be honest, I'd be worried if I were Situationship as well. I'm not saying you need to be non-hierarchical enough that "everything is equal" - clearly that's not for everyone. But here are some things that jumped out at ME from your post (bolding is mine):

We are not interested in the details of each other's relationships with others, but trust each other to adhere to the physical and emotional boundaries we have put in place regarding our relationship structure

they are forced to just trust me when it comes to the claim that emotions are allowed too (within reason).

Both would be informed by my emergency contact, my Primary first, and my situationship later out of courtesy.

I know you said English wasn't your first language, in terms of the "within reason" - but from everything else you've said here? You were right the first time."Situationship" is, from the sound of it, always going to be in your life conditionally - and I'd be concerned about resolving that, before allowing any significant emotional attachment to develop. Although you've described it as Situationship being concerned about having Partner's permission, what I'm hearing is that Situationship is saying "I can't trust you to protect my feelings" - and they're right.

(Also, there is somewhat of a tradition here on the board to give people names (not real ones of course) instead of just using their roles; just using roles feels rather dehumanizing of everyone involved. I won't pick for you but I do recommend it.)