Self-exploration

L

locha

New member
Hi,

My name is Alice, and I'm new to the forum and new to the idea of polyamory. I'm not exactly sure where I stand in this regard, but I'm definitely curious about it.

I'm married, and I recently discovered that I can love more than one person. Last year, I met a couple of guys and noticed that I started developing strong feelings for them. At the same time, the strong love I feel for my husband never went away. It all got confusing for me. I always believed that monogamy was the only way to experience love, but I'm slowly assimilating the idea that possibilities are infinite. I'm in the process of embracing this new side of me, and I think being part of this forum will be helpful.

I'm not in a relationship with the guys I met last year. Actually, we lost contact pretty quickly :(
I've talked to my husband about my interest for a non-monogamous lifestyle, but he disagreed with it right away. I would like to retake that conversation at some point, but first I'd like to understand myself better and find out what I really want.

Looking forward to making new friends here!
 
Greetings Alice,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You certainly have a challenge on your hands, as far as your husband being opposed to nonmonogamy while you are developing an interest in it, but I think you are doing the right thing in exploring Polyamory.com for now, clarifying within yourself exactly what you want or are looking for, and fixing to talk again with your husband later on. I encourage you to take your time, and work through this process with very small and gradual steps. Continue to read and post here and there, and let us know of any questions that arise for you. We're here to help.

It's good to have you with us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
kdt26417 said:
Greetings Alice,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You certainly have a challenge on your hands, as far as your husband being opposed to nonmonogamy while you are developing an interest in it, but I think you are doing the right thing in exploring Polyamory.com for now, clarifying within yourself exactly what you want or are looking for, and fixing to talk again with your husband later on. I encourage you to take your time, and work through this process with very small and gradual steps. Continue to read and post here and there, and let us know of any questions that arise for you. We're here to help.

It's good to have you with us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
Click to expand...
Thank you Kevin! Small steps is definitely a great way to start. I appreciate your advice <3 Looking forward to learning more in the forum.
 
Glad to have you with us, and happy to help any little way I can. Looking forward to more of your posts!
 
Hi Alice! Sending hugs of welcome and much respect for your embarking on the worthy journey of knowing yourself better <3 <3
 
locha said:
Hi,

My name is Alice, and I'm new to the forum and new to the idea of polyamory. I'm not exactly sure where I stand in this regard, but I'm definitely curious about it.

I'm married, and I recently discovered that I can love more than one person. Last year, I met a couple of guys and noticed that I started developing strong feelings for them. At the same time, the strong love I feel for my husband never went away. It all got confusing for me. I always believed that monogamy was the only way to experience love, but I'm slowly assimilating the idea that possibilities are infinite. I'm in the process of embracing this new side of me, and I think being part of this forum will be helpful.

I'm not in a relationship with the guys I met last year. Actually, we lost contact pretty quickly :(
I've talked to my husband about my interest for a non-monogamous lifestyle, but he disagreed with it right away. I would like to retake that conversation at some point, but first I'd like to understand myself better and find out what I really want.

Looking forward to making new friends here!
Click to expand...
Hi, welcome. A quick way to get familiar with what polyamory is and how it works is to read the book, Opening Up, by Taormino. (This book is not just for couples, FYI.)

Something that stands out to me from your post: you wouldn't have been in "a" relationship with those 2 men you mention, even if they were friends or bi male lovers. You would have been in 2 relationships, one with each guy. Too many people think, when they date a couple, that they are in "a" relationship with them, as if a couple equals one person. But don't forget they are individuals. So, say the guys' names were Ben and Joe and they were lovers. There would be 3 Vs stacked up:

Ben + Joe
Ben + you
Joe + you

Each one-on-one relationship would have its own set of dynamics, boundaries, agreements, interests, type of sex or kink and living/dating/cyber-communication/visiting arrangements and schedule.

Then there would be a 3way relationship with its own entirely different unique set of dynamics. So, sometimes you would spend time with Joe, sometimes you would spend time with Ben, and sometimes you would spend time with all 3 of you together. Triads are rare. Most poly people find them to be too complicated and rife with problems of scheduling and jealousies, so they avoid them, and only date people one-on-one. This goes contrary to what is shown in mass media, which usually depicts polyamory as meaning a triad, most often composed of one man and 2 women, with lots of group sex. That's just a male fantasy used to sell TV shows, etc., and doesn't reflect reality.
 
Magdlyn said:
Hi, welcome. A quick way to get familiar with what polyamory is and how it works is to read the book, Opening Up, by Taormino. (This book is not just for couples, FYI.)

Something that stands out to me from your post: you wouldn't have been in "a" relationship with those 2 men you mention, even if they were friends or bi male lovers. You would have been in 2 relationships, one with each guy. Too many people think, when they date a couple, that they are in "a" relationship with them, as if a couple equals one person. But don't forget they are individuals. So, say the guys' names were Ben and Joe and they were lovers. There would be 3 Vs stacked up:

Ben + Joe
Ben + you
Joe + you

Each one-on-one relationship would have its own set of dynamics, boundaries, agreements, interests, type of sex or kink and living/dating/cyber-communication/visiting arrangements and schedule.

Then there would be a 3way relationship with its own entirely different unique set of dynamics. So, sometimes you would spend time with Joe, sometimes you would spend time with Ben, and sometimes you would spend time with all 3 of you together. Triads are rare. Most poly people find them to be too complicated and rife with problems of scheduling and jealousies, so they avoid them, and only date people one-on-one. This goes contrary to what is shown in mass media, which usually depicts polyamory as meaning a triad, most often composed of one man and 2 women, with lots of group sex. That's just a male fantasy used to sell TV shows, etc., and doesn't reflect reality.
Click to expand...
Hi Magdlyn,

Thanks for your reply! Very important to keep in mind individuality.
While I'm still not sure how I want to experience polyamory, I tend to visualize it as having individual relationships with men without mingling with my husband. My husband would still be my primary relationship.

Sounds like it can be challenging to figure out dynamics, but communication would be key. There's lots to figure out, but I'll take it one step at a time.

Looking forward to your posts!
 
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