Sense of urgency

Nettle

New member
How do you handle the sense of urgency in new relationships, when actually the wisest way is to go slowly and give everyone time to adjust?

I have been dating a friend of mine for a while now. I am married, and so are they. This is quite new for all four of us, not the first try with non-monogamy but new anyway. And we all agree that taking things slow is very good idea. I think I am the one who needs this the most. Still I have this constant need for something more to happen, to go faster and be more involved. Even when I don't want that in reality (yet)!

I guess it's the relationship escalator idea in my head, some leftovers from monogamous thinking. "Act fast or be left out." How do I stop thinking like that? We have a good thing going on here and thinking like this is unnecessary and harmful.

I chose this forum because I don't really need relationship advise for me, but wanted to have a more general discussion about the subject. I'm hoping you have some brilliant ideas about this.
 
I chose this forum because I don't really need relationship advise for me, but wanted to have a more general discussion about the subject.

So, you don't want anyone here to address your specific situation, but instead speak in abstract terms only?
 
I don't mind if someone wants to say something specific about us (though it might be a bit hard since I didn't really share many details). But I'm especially interested in other people's ideas and experiences in general.
 
You sound like you are asking how I make decisions about some things.

I check the "toggles."

  • Some things are (important) AND (urgent.) Like the house on fire. We have to deal with it NOW and it is major. Being trapped in a burning house could kill us!

  • Some things are (important) but not (urgent.) Like updating my will to include a new grandkid. It doesn't have to be right now. Next week is soon enough. Not like the burning house situation.

  • Some things are (urgent) but not (important.) I'm out doing errands and I have to pee. But I don't like the bathroom at the gas station, so I can wait til I get to the grocery down the street. They have nicer bathrooms.

  • Some things are neither (urgent) nor (important.) I got a coupon in the mail for pet food and I own no pets. I can toss it here on the table til I feel like dealing with getting the trash together. Nothing will happen if it sits there for a week or even a month.

At this time? You feeling excited or anxious and it making a sense of urgency? That's urgent but not important. Or at least not as important as maintaining good relationships with your people. So sit with it/on it and don't rush. There's no "fire" here. It's ok to wait.

Or I check the values.

  • Right now it sounds like you place "remain in good relationship with my people" as a higher value than "get something going here fast."
  • When you cannot have two values at the same time? You could answer to the higher value. Which is remaining in right relationship with your people.

So you end up at the same conclusion using that method -- have to sit with the feelings of urgency and not rush.

That's two ways I use.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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The sense of urgency you feel sounds like a side effect of NRE (new relationship energy). It's an amazing feeling with both physical and psychological roots. As humans, we are somehow wired to strive to obtain anything that gives us more pleasure (for example, street drugs) and only the knowledge that some of these pleasurable things (like street drugs) can be harmful, is what keeps us from overdoing them.

I feel that your question revolves around "how can I temper my cravings to enjoy more NRE because I know that there is a negative side effect" on my existing relationship and other life priorities. I'm not 100% certain that this is your question, so forgive me if I'm going off on a tangent.

I think, many good things in life that have negative side effects (street drugs was mentioned above, but the analogy can extend to any addiction - gambling, alcohol, cigarettes, binge shopping and even to milder things like binge TV watching to the exclusion of household chores, etc). Your job is to identify the negative side effect and use that to temper the positive cravings. I self-identify my intro story as an example of failed polyamory primarily because of the sense of urgency. It failed because I couldn't adjust to my wife's new desires in the short timeframe she wanted.

How is your old partner reacting to all this? How is your new partner's old partner reacting to all this?
 
Thank you for your answers! All of this makes sense, yes. And the point about NRE is good, that is definitely a factor. I hadn't thought about that. So, does it mean that after NRE is over I will feel more peaceful about everything again? I'd like to feel peaceful about my life...

Our situation is actually that, peaceful. There has been no conflicts so far and everyone involved seems to be doing fine. We all spend time together too, and communicate. But I still keep freaking out every once in a while... I'm restless, even when I know everything is OK and I should just live in the moment. I feel like we should keep moving forward. Towards what? Something none of us might not even want? Well that is just silly.
 
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NRE... I hadn't thought about that.

Hey Nettle, glad to hear things are making more sense to you. I'm surprised you hadn't thought about NRE. I don't know if your husband is feeling jealous, but NRE and jealousy can pull an original couple apart in different directions as you transition to polyamory. If you've never given this serious thought, here are 2 threads I started to explore this topic for myself recently.

NRE vs jealousy
"falling in love" vs "growing in love"

Many others have written on this, but links to their writings will be within my opening post in each thread.
 
I have thought about NRE in general, but hadn't really made the connection between NRE and this... anxiousness or restlessness I feel. Usually people talk about NRE as an awesome, strong positive thing. But yeah, I see the connection now.
 
The restlessness and need to speed things up is, I think, a symptom of wanting things to be locked down - it's still a new relationship, there's still some insecurity intrinsic to that, even with no conflict, just because you haven't had time to have a lot of experiences that you can look back on and reassure yourself that your new source of happiness isn't going to evaporate. And in mono-land, one is assured that the farther up the relationship escalator one goes, the less likely you are to break up - so our instincts are sometimes to get up it as quickly as possible.
 
Usually people talk about NRE as an awesome, strong positive thing. But yeah, I see the connection now.

We've shared experiences of NRE in this forum and it's a mixed bag. Some people think it's an amazing high and for others, it's a time full of uncertainty and anxiety. Personally, I have no idea ho anyone could be an NRE junkie. The experience is exhausting to me and however delightful, the very opposite of peaceful.
 
No brilliant thoughts here, but wow, y'all are much more cautious in love than I've ever been. With my first husband, we got engaged after three months of dating. The relationship lasted 18 years. My now husband moved in with my family six weeks after we met. This relationship has lasted 12 years and counting.

I understand how caution can be the intelligent response, but it certainly doesn't come naturally to me.
 
Dear Castava,

This difference might be due to cultural or religious differences, as I discussed on your intro thread. I have friends who belong to some small christian denomination who decided to marry 2 weeks after dating. Granted their dating pool was very small (both belonging to the same small christian denomination). Anyway, just saying that marriage means different things for different people. For polyamorists who understand that love does not last forever... maybe polyamorists are more cautious with marriage. I dunno. Just a hunch.
 
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It really was a matter of me feeling like I knew a relationship could work really quickly. I'm pretty much your generic white American, with no special religious or cultural pressure to commit quickly. It just seems to be something I do.
 
y'all are much more cautious in love than I've ever been.
Likely because some of us aren't particularly monogamous. :D Monogamists are really good at talking themselves into believing in fantasy stuff like One True Soul-Mate For Life. My imagination ain't THAT good. :( So I tend to stray toward the old adage: "measure twice, cut once."

Besides, kinda depends on how "cautious" is defined. Sure, I might be taking weeks or even months to get to know someone with whom I seem to have a mutual attraction... but at the same time I might have had sex with five or seven recurring partners, some of whom have figured large in my life for a decade or more.

(If I was just looking for fleeting sexual encounters, opportunities would be at least an order of magnitude greater. With all that potentiality in the world, why NOT be choosy...?)
 
For me, the fact that there's no guarantee a relationship will last makes me want to enjoy it to the fullest while I can.
 
I have always been very cautious. Even when I was young I never really believed in the Disney version of love. I have always seen it more as choosing a compatible partner rather than just following an attraction without thinking. So, yeah, it takes time.

And now, when we all have busy lives with work and kids and other commitments, jumping in fast and deep would be foolish. We have time. That's what I keep telling myself... :D
 
How do you handle the sense of urgency in new relationships, when actually the wisest way is to go slowly and give everyone time to adjust?

I have been dating a friend of mine for a while now. I am married, and so are they. This is quite new for all four of us, not the first try with non-monogamy but new anyway. And we all agree that taking things slow is very good idea. I think I am the one who needs this the most. Still I have this constant need for something more to happen, to go faster and be more involved. Even when I don't want that in reality (yet)!

I guess it's the relationship escalator idea in my head, some leftovers from monogamous thinking. "Act fast or be left out." How do I stop thinking like that? We have a good thing going on here and thinking like this is unnecessary and harmful.

I chose this forum because I don't really need relationship advise for me, but wanted to have a more general discussion about the subject. I'm hoping you have some brilliant ideas about this.

Well half the battle is recognizing possible problematic behavior so you are off to a good start.

For me the problem comes when I try to balance not wanting to rush up the escalator with appearing to be disinterested. What has worked for me is to kind of have the attitude of "well if it works out, great, but if it doesn't I'll enjoy what I had."
 
No brilliant thoughts here, but wow, y'all are much more cautious in love than I've ever been. With my first husband, we got engaged after three months of dating. The relationship lasted 18 years.

Some people are cautious, but i'm not sure how you got "Y'all are cautious" from what was said in response to the OP's feelings of urgency. Don't confuse cautious with perceptive.

Myself, I wouldn't identify with "cautious," although I am also not careless. I go forward in relationships based on intuition and a good deal of experience. I met and married my husband inside of 3 months and we had 15 great married years - continuing on now as unmarried, coparenting comrades. That's a successful relationship in my book and I wouldn't characterize us as cautious or rash - just experienced, true to what we value and we don't waste much energy on what (and who) isn't going to work for us.
 
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