Sex between the three of us

A

alanred

New member
My wife and I are married, and we have a girlfriend, More of a relationship between gf and wife. This is something my wife wanted and I agreed (started off by my wife wanting a threesome and turned in to more)

Gf lives in away and this is her second visit.

I also agreed to not get upset if wife and gf had sex when I am not home as long as my wife told me about the encounter. My main goal is to keep the communication channels open during all of this. Our first threesome was not all that great for me. I felt a bit left out. But overall for our first threesome I think it went very well.

I voiced my concerns and my wife agreed to include me more during our next threesome. I also ask if we could set some ground rules we all could agree on. (the ground where set)

Last night was our second threesome. It was not a very good experience for me and has me thinking that this may not be the best situation for our marriage. What happened was wife and gf started kissing and so fourth and acted as if I was not even in the room. Ii felt hurt and well i dont really know what to think. I am not jealous but just feel as if my needs and myself personally dont matter to my wife and gf. I tried to get intimate with my wife and she just focused on gf. I guess what really upsets me is that it is like I was invisible the whole time. I followed the rules set and wife and gf did not.

I am not asking for full attention but even a look and smile or even touching my would be nice. Yep it was like I was not even in the room ( i know I said that before but just had to say it agian) I could have probally got up and left the room and wife and gf would not have noticed.

Wife and gf are sleeping now and have not had a chance to talk about it just need some advise on how to handle this.
 
I know i rambled a bit and sorry for that. I am wounder the beast way to handle this.

A bit more history bout our relationship. Wife and gf are more than romantically involved, gf and myself are not so much more friends then anything i guess. It all just seems to be going in the direction of wife having a gf and I am left on the sidelines. I would be ok with this as long as I would be allowed to have a gf but my wife would not allow. Seems that the exceptions i had from all of our previous talks before every thing got serious are changing and I am the one left out.
 
alanred said:
Wife and gf are more than romantically involved, gf and myself are not so much more friends then anything i guess.
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Sounds like a team dating and NRE situation to me.

Team dating is a problem because the assumption is that this shared person is going to dig each person equally. This is a broken expectation because people don't necessarily work that way. Even if GF does happen to be in to both of you it isn't like she has some kind of switch she can flip to make sure everyone gets "50/50 treatment". More likely is that this person is going to be in to one of you more than the other - if at all. It sounds to me like your wife has a girlfriend and is willing to let you watch the two of them fuck.

That sounds like a win in my book.

Puppy love (NRE) is a freaking force of nature. GF and Wife are almost certainly enjoying the sweet sweet drug of puppy love. Everything else in life gets the volume turned down for a period of time. Some people get it worse than others but trying to fight it or control it is just going to piss them off.

All in all, you just need to throttle down your expectations. It sounds like you had this perfect kind of three prong love affair in your head and it isn't working out that way. Life often (usually) surprises us and teaches us to be mindful of trying to predict the future. It sounds like you are getting that reminder right now.
 
alanred said:
I would be ok with this as long as I would be allowed to have a gf but my wife would not allow
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I didn't notice this before, dingedheart is right... why would you not be "allowed" to have a girlfriend? Is your wife in charge of your life? Is there some kind of dom/sub power exchange going on?
 
I am sorry your attempt at a "triad" relationship is not working out. Don't despair! I'd say that is the case 90% of the time. Especially when you search for a "unicorn" who is expected to love and lust for for both the MF in a couple equally. This is one of the most common mistakes of committed couples new to polyamory. (I did it too! See below.)

If the gf is not into you sexually, it is time for renegotiations. They won't include you in a 3some? OK. It hurts to feel rejected.:mad: What to do?

Your wife meets your sexual needs when gf isn't there, and you sleep separately from them when gf visits. Or at least do something else when they are actually fucking.
You communicate clearly about finding a gf of your own if you feel you need or want one.

Your wife may have thought she wanted a 3some, but actually what she wants is one on one sex with another woman. Her actions belie her words. If she says, "Well, I am exploring my bisexuality. You, however, already have a woman: ME. Therefore you do not need another woman (since you're straight)."

This is bs. A "one vagina policy" in your marriage is unfair if you are uncomfortable with it.

When my ex-h and I opened our marriage years ago, we found a unicorn who was into him, not me! So, I was supposed to "explore my bisexuality" and instead he got a gf and I got nada. He told me I couldn't date another guy. One penis policy (OPP). I didn't think that was fair either.
 
As to not allowed to have a gf, wife wants one person we can both have a relationship with and I am ok with that as long as I feel like I am part of that relationship. If I feel as if I am not a part of it then I think we need to reevaluate the situation. My wife also told gf that in the beginning and she was ok with that also.

I know that there is not gonna be a 50/50 split, I guess I would evaluate the current relationship as a 25/75 split out side of the bedroom and a 10/90 split in the bedroom.

It seemed to me that the situation is not what I expected in the beginning and that the relationship is more of my wife and gf having a relationship and i am on the sidelines.

It does seem like nre and We all talk this morn and both agreed to try to included me more the next time. We all agreed to sit down again and go over are exceptions about what each can and can not do during sex.


It helped a lot to get over my feeling of being left out see that this is most likely nre.

Per all your advise and talking with my wife and gf I am going to keep my expectations to what ever happens happens and be happy with that for the time being.

Just gonna go with the flow and see what happens and be happy with what I have.

I do think that if the relationship between myself and gf does not progress to be more that friends I will ask my wife If I can have a gf myself.

Thanks for the support.
 
Thanks Magdlyn If things to not improve as I would like I think I may push for what you suggest. I will give our current situation more time to see how progresses and go from there.

How much time do you think I should give the current situation. I am leaning on giving it a few months to see how it progresses.
 
alanred said:
As to not allowed to have a gf, wife wants one person we can both have a relationship with and I am ok with that as long as I feel like I am part of that relationship.
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You are encountering one of the main problems with this approach to relationships. This forced triad is an unrealistic expectation and it seems extremely rare for it to actually work out.

alanred said:
both agreed to try to included me more the next time. We all agreed to sit down again and go over are exceptions about what each can and can not do during sex.
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If someone needs to "try" to include me in a sexual encounter then they are not interested and I would feel disgusting for getting their pity attention. If someone isn't digging me that's totally fine; the very last thing I want someone to do is to "try" to be interested in me sexually (or otherwise).

This is a bi-product of the fundamentally flawed approach to trying to jam some third person into an existing slot and expecting them to fit into it perfectly.

alanred said:
I do think that if the relationship between myself and gf does not progress to be more that friends I will ask my wife If I can have a gf myself.
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Be sure to ask nicely.
 
Marcus said:
If someone needs to "try" to include me in a sexual encounter then they are not interested and I would feel disgusting for getting their pity attention.
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^^This^^

Sorry mate but...have a bit of pride will you? Tell your wife that you are not a lackey, this relationship is hers, not yours and you won't try to shove yourself into it and you want to get your own girlfriend. Do you really think sex with them is going to be fun and satisfying if all they want is to be alone and instead they have to think about entertaining you?

Hell to the No.
 
Natja said:
^^This^^

Sorry mate but...have a bit of pride will you? Tell your wife that you are not a lackey, this relationship is hers, not yours and you won't try to shove yourself into it and you want to get your own girlfriend. Do you really think sex with them is going to be fun and satisfying if all they want is to be alone and instead they have to think about entertaining you?

Hell to the No.
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I thought it wasn't sex unless there is a penis involved in some way. How DO two women "have sex" anyway? :confused:
 
Why would you want to force yourself on someone who is not interested in you.

Bow out an find your own gf.
 
As to not allowed to have a gf, wife wants one person we can both have a relationship with and I am ok with that as long as I feel like I am part of that relationship. If I feel as if I am not a part of it then I think we need to reevaluate the situation. My wife also told gf that in the beginning and she was ok with that also.
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Great -- you guys all expect evaluation points then. GOOD. Talk in trio.

So what time are you and the GF spending outside of the bedroom together WITHOUT THE WIFE to cultivate some kind of relationship and see if you have things in common?

Do (WIFE AND GF) get enough alone time without YOU?

Do (WIFE and YOU) get enough alone time with the GF?

When is the next "check in" point to see how all the players are doing at that point in time?

It all just seems to be going in the direction of wife having a gf and I am left on the sidelines. I would be ok with this as long as I would be allowed to have a gf but my wife would not allow.
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You could tell Wife that it's looking like it naturally wants to be a "V" with wife as the hinge person, and not a triad. And you and wife could just let it be that way then.

And on your end of things, you would like to date and want to talk to wife about making the plan to assimilate that new change smoothly too. And GF's input so she knows how these changes might be affecting her time management too.

Could all sort it out. As well as bringing up if GF herself wants another partner besides Wife here if (you and GF) are not destined to be more than metamours.

You each have your own set of wants, needs, and limits. Could learn what they all are for each person.

I do think that if the relationship between myself and gf does not progress to be more that friends I will ask my wife If I can have a gf myself.
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Good. You sound like you are willing to try things on and be flexible as well as realistic.

Remember that you are asking for your wife's blessing and goodwill and her willingness to participate in concurrent relationships with you. You are not asking your wife's "permission" to have relationships with other people.

So when you ask to have that conversation, could steer the conversation that way.

Could ask her what it takes for her to grant her blessing and goodwill so you can move on to dating a separate GF in a peaceful/harmonious way for this polyship. Puts the attention on articulating what exactly needs to happen here.

And if wife's expectation is that wife dates and you don't, and you are not satisfied with that arrangement long term? It's not like a soft limit to allow people time to adjust at a pace they can deal with and all agree to?

Could talk NOW how you plan to cope with that situation if it comes to pass. Does the wife break up with GF? Do you all become single? Something else?

You are responsible for your own emergency preparedness.

Could spend some time talking and figure out what the "hard limits" are for each of you (will never change, no way, Jose!) and where the "soft limits" are (could change in time as people's confidence and skills strengthen) as you navigate this experience.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
 
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We all talked last night.

In the bed room. Wife wants to see me with GF and GF said she wants to have sex with me. It just seems that when We are in the bed room it never happens and I am not even there. Wife and GF seem to be focues on each other. I voiced my concerns and got the standard answers everyone seems to want the same thing in the bed room but I just feel so left out. Things where better last night wife and gf did show me some attention.

Some one brought up that I should not force myself into their relationship and get my own. It does seem as if I am doing that and wife and gf both said this is what they want all three of us. Still it seems as if I am just a third wheel.

I did bring up letting them do their own thing and I seek a gf, Wife said she has a problem with me just going out and having sex with just any person.

My point was that that is not all that I am looking for. I feel a little cheated (I guess is the word to use), I want that feeling of a new relationship also.
I am happy for my wife and gf and love seeing them happy.

Time spent with each other, My self and wife do not get much alone time as we have two children 4 and 7. Wife and gf do get alone time. All three of us get alone time. I have not had any alone time with gf but we all have talked about the need for it. It just does not seem to happen as I do work alot,(I work a part time job and also run my own business) Wife works part time and gf does not live with us. I also do not want to sacrifice time with my children.

It seems that when the chance to get alone time and our children the time is used for all three of us or If I am at work wife and gf.

So at this point I think I will just go with the flow and see what happens. If we have another situation where I feel left out in the bedroom I think I will leave the bedroom let them have their fun.

I think I should just let things develop as they may and go from there. I have not been pushy about the sex thing if it is not meant to be then I am fine with it. I just don't want to be in a situation where I feel rejected and not wanted. I just keep getting mixed signals from wife and GF, Both are saying thing but the action are so much different.
 
GF will be leaving in a few days so there will be time talk more and deal with all the issues. As far as communication when GF is away (not in driving distance)

I am a very introverted person and wife and gf are both extroverts.

Wife and GF text constantly and on the phone every other day or so.

Myself and GF text sometime and hardly ever talk on the phone.

I also think that one issue is that my wife needs More attention then I give her as my time is split so much between her, kids, work, business ect..

You know I don't even know If I could make the time for a gf of my own. I think that my issue may be that I feel so rejected in the bedroom as I am a very sexual person (i like sex). Do I even want a relationship?

I think I just figured some thinks out.

For me do I just want sex, not a new relationship. Wife and I have a great sex life and the rejection I get when GF in bed with both of us is my main issue. I do want the feeling of a new relationship but do not have to have it. I think I am content with just sex.

Wife has always been bi so maybee that is what see needs. Tho I would say we have a healthy relationship. I think she is looking for more than I can/have offered.

What gf really wants IDK,

I think we all have been communicating for the sake of communicating but we have not really got to the core issues of what we all REALLY want and NEED in our relationships.

I think we all need to have a serious convo about this but I am afris that I will just get the standard answers, any advise on how to move the convo to get to the real issues.
 
Honestly actions speak louder than words. They are showing what they truly want when they leave you out of bedroom activities. The fact the gf doesn't communicate with you of her own free will also speaks volumes. BUT she has been told you are a package deal and she is head over heels for your wife, so she is going to say what she needs to say to keep her.

This is Not fair to you or the gf. Your wife is being extremely selfish. Why should she get to have her cake and eat it too? Why should you pay the price for her happiness?
 
What are the "standard answers" you are getting?

For now since it makes you feel yucky -- stop going in the bedroom for threesomes. And STOP having threesome sex. Slow things down on your end and stop jumping right to sex.

Cultivate relationships first.

If you cannot have time alone with GF entirely, what about time alone with GF WITH the kids? Wife somewhere else? This tier of relationship needs building if you all say you want this. But if GF says she wants a relationship with you but doesn't put in the time to grow it, let it go. Don't force it. You yourself seem lukewarm on the GF -- so don't go there just because wife and GF say they want it. Just be ok being metamours with wife's GF and not lovers AND metamours with her.

You and wife need time alone -- so how about GF babysitting? Or some other babysitter? That tier of relationship needs reaffirming. Wife could appreciate you and the fact that she doesn't GET to be a hinge in a harmonious polyship without the willingness and goodwill of the "V" arm people. She could do her part to KEEP it harmonious by not taking her partners for granted or neglecting them.

You talk about sex but all I see is the need for CONNECTION to your people. You seem to want to get it THROUGH sex behavior -- but could you get it through other kinds of behavior?

http://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory

What connection needs besides belonging, inclusion and intimacy do you have? Could circle them and help you articulate your needs.

Are you having poly hell feelings? All three of you could read that together and address feelings being felt by each player. Is the goal a shared polyship that is harmonious? Or a wonky one?

And your wife being afraid of you dating because you'd go off an have sex with just anybody -- well... could talk out what that is all about for real. Because that is selling you short isn't it? You aren't some sex fiend with lack of self control are you? Probably not. I don't think it is about that -- figure out what the fear is REALLY. That she can't compete? That she'd have to share your attention? Fear of the unknown stranger? Well... bring the potential around to meet and greet then! Become NOT strangers.

If it is that she wants to be the V and you stay closed and this pleases you, yay. If this does NOT please you -- stop participating in this model. It really is as simple as that. It may be hard to feel, but the actions really are as simple as that.

Bottom line -- it takes a while for the "new normal" to become "normal" and not feel weird. If you are willing to participate in a "V" with Wife as the hinge, then do so and expect some NRE lalas where you could feel left out of the party temporarily. They will calm down in time -- NRE lasts about 6 mos - 24 mos and then reality returns.

Figure out how long you want to give it a go. Figure out what your needs are in the meanwhile and how to get them met. You can ask wife and GF if they are willing to meet your needs. You can always ASK. Talk with your people.

But if after the length of time passes and you don't feel willing to participate any more because they aren't holding up their end of maintaining a peaceful, harmonious polyship? It is wonky?

Tell the wife you are no longer willing to participate in a "V" configuration because of needs not met, neglect, etc.

Then sort yourselves out from there to a clean split. Get yourself out of the wonky polyship.

Galagirl
 
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Dagferi said:
BUT she has been told you are a package deal and she is head over heels for your wife, so she is going to say what she needs to say to keep her.
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Mmmm... team dating.
 
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