Sex in a triad... Is every party always present?

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NorCalK

New member
I am involved in a three-way relationship with a couple that has been together for six years. All of us have been dating for four months.

Last night we had a perfectly awful argument that I may vent about on here in the future. But the catalyst for said argument was that my boyfriend complained that he didn't like how sex is initiated between all three of us the majority of the time.

This is the scenario: usually when I am over at their house, my girlfriend and I are on the bed watching TV, or on our laptops, or reading, studying, doing origami, or whatever. Our boyfriend is sitting at a chair in front of the computer playing video games, or whatever. Often I initiate sex with her (kissing, touching, etc.), and then we ask our boyfriend to come join us.

He complained that he wanted to be the other party that gets sexually approached first more often. This sent me and her into a tizzy initially because
A) He is always on the computer. Obviously the closer physical proximity between me and her would make us naturally turn to each other first, and B) He definitely mandates more attention during sex than either of us, almost always needing his genitals touched.

So this bring up my question for all of you who have ever been in a triad. Does having three-way sex as the primary sexual interaction in the relationship work? Or would it be worthwhile to perhaps work out some kind of schedule in which, in addition to the sex my gf and bf have when I am not over, since they live together, we work out some schedule in which I can have sex with him separately at some point, I can have sex with her separately at some point, and we still have sex all together, but less frequently?

Please help! Advice needed.
 
NeonKaos said:
You can do whatever you want.
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I would like some input on whether or not anyone had run into the same problem, how others in a triad arrange their sex lives, etc. Obviously, I can do whatever I want, but I was not raised to have to deal with the dynamics of both a boyfriend and a girlfriend, so input from others who have dealt with this situation would be great.
 
Give and Receive! If he wants to be on the other side of the equation, then you must communicate with him why it is not happening.

Dominating in the threesome sex is not something that I'd let continue. There are three of you. It takes longer for everyone to be satisfied. It can be an ongoing process of fun.

I see Wifey and Nik going at it even after I have reached orgasm. When they are done, I want more. Then Nik watching me and Wifey after she has reached orgasm makes her want more. And so on and so forth. So nip the "all about me and my nuts" crap in the bud soon. :D

As far as the separate sex-- in theory this seems to be something that should happen naturally, but in reality, it depends on the comfort level of all involved. In my triad, we only have sex when it is the three of us. This way there is no one feeling like someone is getting something they are not. I know at some point we will evolve, but I'm happy with the current status as of now. But you should discuss it with your partners to see if that is something that can be put into action.
 
One size does not fit all, and your mileage may vary. Any configuration can work, and any configuration can fail.

What works for my tribe may not work for y'all. The three of you need to find what will work for your particular situation. This may mean some experimentation, some trial-and-error, some give-and-take. My advice is to try lots of different approaches until you find the one that works best, and keep plenty of Lube handy. (Are you there, Imaginary? :cool: Can a sister get an amen?)

That's the main thing I wanted to say. Since I'm posting anyway, I'd like to add:

If your bf wants to be the initiator, he should initiate. Eek! What a revelation! This will be easier in bed with his lovers than at the computer.​

If you feel your bf is insisting on too much of the sexual attention, you should express that and work with your lovers to a find a solution that works for all of you.​

Scheduling sex doesn't work for me, never has, but I know for some people it's the way to go. Again, one size does not fit. all. Try it out; if it doesn't work for y'all, try something else.​

And finally:

As y'all are working through these issues, try to keep in mind all the people who would love to have this be the big issues they're working on!​

Good luck as you move forward. Happy solution-seeking!
 
What was the fight about? I'm having trouble seeing how what you have mentioned would create a fight. Maybe the internet/gaming thing? Is he online too much, in your opinion?

In the threesomes I have had with my men, it's been me who has said I would be interested and then they work it out to make it happen. They set the scene and I take the bait and initiate. (Ha! Rhymes!) Maybe you should set the bait so he can initiate.

As for group sex all the time, I would think that would wear thin at some point. It's only been a short time, perhaps it's time to evolve into something that gets everyone's needs met more. Time to start communicating needs and boundaries again, perhaps?
 
Not sure if this is gonna help, but here's my experience. I'm also in a triad. We all live together and sleep in the same bed. Believe it or not, sex with all of us works just like it did when it was just my wife and me. By that I mean it happens when it happens.

We don't have a schedule or anything like that. It does tend to lean towards most fun times happening on the weekends, because that's when we all have free time together. Romps happen either first thing in the morning, or at night before bed. Sometimes it's all three of us, sometimes only two are in the mood.

For us, having to schedule sex takes something out of it. But that's how things work for us. I am in no way saying that it would be the same for you. As many have mentioned, communication is the key. Have a talk about where he's coming from. Good luck!
 
redpepper said:
What was the fight about? Maybe the internet/gaming thing? Is he online too much?

In the threesomes I have had with my men, it's been me who has said I would be interested and then they work it out to make it happen. They set the scene and I take the bait and initiate. Maybe you should set the bait so he can initiate.

As for group sex all the time, I would think that would wear thin at some point. Its only been a short time. Perhaps its time to evolve into something that gets everyone's needs met more. Time to start communicating needs and boundaries again, perhaps?
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We got into a fight because he brought up yet another instance in which he feels like he needs MORE attention. The fact that it was closely related to the sex act itself, which he always insists he needs more attention during, really set us off. He is constantly saying during sex, "Can someone touch me? Can someone grab my penis, etc.?" if he's not being touched. Believe me, my gf and I make an effort to always have his genitals in the action.

It is frustrating to us, because there is plenty of times when our genitals are not involved during sex, but we don't complain and still have fun. He was even saying at one point that if he's "not hard, it's not fun."

PolyTriad, I wish my boyfriend could have a man-to-man with you so that he gets his preconceived notion that all guys feel the same as him out of his head. I was under the belief until I met him that guys are not always hard during foreplay, and that's okay. I would really like him to think of ways he could change his love-making style to more sensual rather than penis-oriented. As I suspected, he rarely, if ever, goes down on his gf without needing simultaneous reciprocation (69ing). Yet if we are all having sex, and one of us girls is going down on him, we don't insist on 69. Most of the time, my girlfriend gets down there with me and helps out with the BJ!

He just has this mindset about sex that is radically different for us. Quite frankly, I interpret it as somewhat selfish.
 
Don't most men in threesomes with women think they are their for their own pleasure, to be pleasured by the women? Perhaps he is too invested in that fantasy to realize it's not all about him, and that there is actually something very sexy and gratifying about giving and watching and helping. Have you had this kind of talk with him?
 
NorCalK said:
We got into a fight because he brought up yet another instance in which he feels like he needs MORE attention. The fact that it was closely related to the sex act itself, which he always insists he needs more attention during, really set us off. He is constantly saying during sex "Can someone touch me? Can someone grab my penis?, etc." IF he's not being touched. And believe me, my gf and I make an effort to always have his genitals in the action. It is frustrating to us because there is plenty of times when our genitals are not involved during sex but we don't complain and still have fun. He was even saying at one point that if he's "not hard, it's not fun". PolyTriad, I wish my boyfriend could have a man-to-man with you so that he gets his preconceived notion that ALL guys feel the same as him out of his head. I was under the belief until I met him that guys are not always hard during foreplay, and that's okay. I would really like him to think of ways he could change his love-making style to more sensual rather than penis-oriented. As I suspected, he rarely, if ever, goes down on his gf without needing simultaneous reciprocation (69ing). Yet if we are all having sex and one of us girls is going down on him we don't insist on 69. Most of the time, the other girlfriend gets down there and helps her out with the BJ! He just has this mindset about sex that is radically different for us and, quite frankly, I interpret it as somewhat selfish.
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Wow. I'm so opposite! I'd love to talk to him. Doesn't he understand how fortunate he is to not only have one woman willing to put up with that, but two? He wouldn't survive with Wifey and Nik.

I need a peach in my mouth, as much as I can get. My ladies have to put me in weird positions to get at my Snickers while I'm down on one of them. I couldn't care less about my own genital pleasure, because I'm focused on theirs. I'd like to think they are thinking about mine (I know they are), but it doesn't matter. I can achieve orgasm just from eating a peach. :D Matter of fact, I get them both naked and go back and forth between both of them all night. I even keep my clothes on. I often do this until they are exhausted into sleep. When they want to "Hungry? Grab a Snickers," one of them, in most cases, ends up sitting on my face while the other enjoys her snack.

But I'm a giver, very much selfless in bed.

Danny, I agree that naturally works best! Sleeping in the same bed helps, or cuddling on the couch.
 
So how old is this guy? Because all I'm seeing is someone that's involved in a sexual threesome, not a polyamorous relationship. He's living every man's dream and that's all he can think about? I used to be more selfish when I was younger, until I realized that it's AS MUCH FUN TO PLEASE MY PARTNERS AS IT IS TO HAVE THEM PLEASE ME! What a concept!!!

Okay, didn't mean to be that sarcastic, but he's obviously being VERY selfish in the bedroom and he needs to be told. It's not going to be a pleasant conversation, but if you both feel the same way, then maybe having you both sit him down and have a frank talk will hit home. Or he could feel that you're both attacking him. If that's the case, then maybe you should drop him, and you and your gf should find someone who'll be a bit more fair.

Just my 2 cents. :D
 
Danny40179 said:
So how old is this guy? Because all I'm seeing is someone that's involved in a 3some, not a poly relationship. He's living every man's dream and that's all he can think about. I used to be more selfish when I was younger until I realized that it's AS MUCH FUN TO PLEASE MY PARTNERS AS IT IS TO HAVE THEM PLEASE ME!!! What a concept!!!

Ok, didn't mean to be that sarcastic, but he's obviously being VERY selfish in the bedroom and he needs to be told. It's not going to be a pleasant conversation but if you both feel the same way, then maybe having you both sit him down and have a frank talk will hit home. Or he could feel that you're both attacking him. If that's the case then maybe you should drop him and you and your gf should find someone who'll be a bit more fair.

Just my 2 cents. :D
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He's 27. He and our gf have been together for 6 years. And he did say he felt like he was being attacked when both she and I were agreeing on some things when we were having a discussion about his more self-centered tendencies. But I think that as time goes on, he may get used to the fact that sometimes when his partner disagrees with him, the other one will, too, and it's not just going to be a 50/50 disagreement anymore. I think it was hard for both my bf and my gf to see me agreeing with her on stuff that they have disagreed on for years.

And Danny, I'm sure he DOES care about me as his gf, but he just seems to insist on more attention all the time. Ever since we have been seeing each other (for a month now) he has voiced that it seems that I prefer my gf over him several times. Which is bullshit, until it comes down to times like this.

I believe that he's self-centered and paranoid like this because he is an only child. I don't think he'll take kindly to me suggesting that, though...

Danny40179 said:
If that's the case, then maybe you should drop him and you and your gf should find someone who'll be a bit more fair.
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The shitty thing is, this argument has had me flirting with that idea the last couple of days. She just seemed so burnt-out on her relationship with him by the end of the talk we were having, that I sometimes wonder if she would be better off without him. Which sucks. She is deeply in love with him, and I love him too. If he could just open his eyes a little bit and be less stubborn this relationship would be amazing.

However, I haven't been able to help but look up places to live on Craigslist. I wonder if 30 hours a week at work would work out with my classes. And I especially hate that I am even considering letting this relationship interfere with my schoolwork. I am bent on transferring in a year and a half to UCSD to finish my Bachelor's and then hopefully go to law school. I'm trying to live with my parents while I do my lower-division work so I can save money. I've just really fallen for these two people, and if she needed my help, I'd do anything.
 
You're definitely in a rough spot. I didn't mean to imply that he didn't care about or having feelings for you, but he's still number 1 in his world. I've never even thought about asking to have my penis touched while in a threesome. I thought I was blessed simply by being in a threesome. Ya know?

Relationships don't have expiration dates on them, but they can expire. Something to think about.

Unless he changes, I can't see where you're going to be happy with the sexual side of this relationship. His gf has put up with it for six years, and in doing that she's spoiled him into thinking that's how all women are going to act. Some might be content, but my guess is that you'll get fed up sooner rather than later. That's not to imply that you're a quitter or going to give up easily. I'm just saying that if this is a problem now, it's only going to continue to grow, again, unless he does something about it.
 
Danny40179 said:
You're def in a rough spot. I didn't mean to imply that he didn't care about or having feelings for you, but he's still number 1 in his world. I've never even thought about asking to have my penis touched while in a threesome. I thought I was blessed simply by being in a threesome. Ya know?

Relationships don't have expiration dates on them, but they can expire.

Unless he changes, I can't see where you're going to be happy with the sexual side of this relationship. His gf has put up with it for 6 years, she's spoiled him into thinking that's how all women are going to act. My guess is that you'll get fed up sooner rather than later. If this is a problem now, it's only going to continue to grow, again, unless he does something about it.
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Don't worry. I didn't think you were implying he didn't care about me. I had mentioned to him that I was under the assumption that most guys would not mind seeing two girls kissing and then invite him over for sex. He then claimed that most guys would only think that in the context of a spontaneous threeway, not in a relationship. My gf butted in saying that I was not wrong in my assumption, and she's pretty sure she knows guys sexually better than him, considering she's been in relationships with men and, as I pointed out, I highly doubt that he has frank discussions about sex and relationships with any of his guy friends.

I'm definitely not ready to give up on this relationship, but working out our problems will take a long time. Not only have these problems developed over four months, but also the six years they were together before me. And there's definitely a limit on the stubbornness and bullshit I'll put up with, from both of them, for that matter. I just don't know where to start, almost, to solve our problems. I think we'd all benefit from reading some relevant books and/or relationship therapy.

And to Danny, PT, and others who have posted, thank you so much!! If it's okay, Danny and PT, I might PM you on some later occasion for some more wisdom.
 
NorCalK said:
And to Danny, PT, and others who have posted- thank you so much!! If it's okay, Danny and PT, I might PM you on some later occasion for some more wisdom.
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Please do!!

I agree that some sort of counseling would benefit all of you. However if he's not big on talking to you or his gf of six years, do you think he'll open up to a therapist? Maybe he's gotten comfortable in the fact that his gf won't ever leave him. I'm not saying that's the case, but in his brain he may be thinking that.

Unfortunately, we men can be very selfish and stubborn. From what I've seen so far, he seems to fit the bill on both. I like to think that all people are capable of change, but that's not always the case. I hope he realizes how great he has it, and does what he needs to do to keep it going. I couldn't imagine my life without my girls in the picture. *shudder*
 
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