Sex, why is it always about sex?

T

TheWind

New member
Good morning all. My wife and I have gone back and forth with poly, especially polygamy. How many of you think past sex and to establishing a family, a business, rather than just sexual relations. Our daughter, now 16 has heard from us, we need a wife! Mom Dad has a wife, you. No Daddy and I need a wife. Someone who likes to cook, clean, and do laundry.
In all seriousness. my wife s not that domestic. She would rather work on her beginning business. Her luck is I have no issue crossing lines, I cook, started out as a cook in High School. I help clean and know how to do laundry. Having some single times in life, you learn this. But what is wrong with three adults that work together to have a home and business?
Polygamy is an old system. It started due to men being killed in war, increasingly high women to men ratio. Also having a store or a farm needs hands. What better employees than spouses? Husband and wife 1 run a business, wife 2 takes care of the family. It just seems to me as a better way to do it. Three adults in a house is more cost effective than 2 adults.
How about it? Weigh in on it, please.
 
There are already people on the boards here that live like this. But it doesn't have to be polygamy. It could be a wife with 2 husbands. 3 wives with zero husbands, 3 husbands with zero wives.

I don't think that anyone here has an issue with more than 2 adults creating a family unit. The problem I see with what you've written is that it has a very patriarchal view where there still needs to be a woman running the home. Your wife is just "lucky" that you cross gender stereotypes and happen to cook and do laundry rather than it not mattering who takes on what role as long as the people working together are doing so as a team.

Also, your post makes it sound like you're looking more for a maid service than a loving relationship. You're not looking for someone because you both want to have a loving relationship, you're looking for someone because neither of you wants to do housework. That's not really polyamory. That may not be how you mean it, but it's the way your words come across, and words are powerful.
 
We call that a maid where I live. It's much easier to find than another wife but they expect to be paid for their work.
 
A loving caring relationship is important, But that, a sexual component, and family life are required for a family to exist. It just seems that the loving sexual component out weigh a family-work component. We had one woman that we had the loving sexual component but she would help out a little, call out sick more than go to work and put a strain on my wife and I, s we wound up paying her bills a lot. I just wonder how others run their relationships.
Oh and the two full time workers/one part time worker was an old model from the 1990s.
 
My nesting partner and I are women. I kind of feel what you're saying, only from the other side, and to a lesser degree.

My partner Pixi is very handy. She's great with technology, and fixing things. We both cook. I do the huge majority of cleaning, laundry and dishes. We get by.

But now and then I have a boyfriend who is happy to do some heavy lifting... and it's a great thing. Pixi and I both have ability issues, as well as having less upper body strength than the average male. So someone willing and able to carry firewood, or climb the ladder to the attic and lift things up there, or help hang a shelf, it's nice when it happens.

Otherwise though, my adult son helps out sometimes. We have hired help to mow the lawn and plow the driveway and shovel the walk and front stairs and deck when it snows more than 6."

But I don't seek a boyfriend to be a handyman. I seek a boyfriend to be an amusing companion, to stimulate me intellectually, and to fuck my brains out. The heavy lifting bit is just a bonus. I'm not gonna be a "user."
 
Hi TheWind,

I agree with your thread title, why does it always have to be about sex. It can always be about splitting the work equally, everyone wins as long as everyone is consenting. I think you want a wife to do the work you and your current wife would prefer not to do. That doesn't mean sex would have no part of it, it just means sex is not what you emphasize. You could also give your second wife one third of the profits from the business. As I said there is not a problem as long as she consents to the arrangement.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi TheWind,

I agree with your thread title, why does it always have to be about sex. It can always be about splitting the work equally, everyone wins as long as everyone is consenting. I think you want a wife to do the work you and your current wife would prefer not to do. That doesn't mean sex would have no part of it, it just means sex is not what you emphasize. You could also give your second wife one third of the profits from the business. As I said there is not a problem as long as she consents to the arrangement.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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Thanks Kevin. As for what is in it for wife #2, Equal treatment, that is all. With our second live in, we put the cards on the table. Nothing hidden, I could tell them both I love you, in front of each other. Which is how I prefer it. I don't lie and can not hold things back. Of course our daughter will be a partner in the business. But Wife #2, if it gets to that is equal in all ways.
And the both get individual time with me. That was 2 dozen roses on Valentine's day
 
Too jammed up for me. I prefer my relationships to be more spread out. 4 people in one house would drive me insane. Also, running a business with a romantic partner has always been disastrous for me.
 
Hi Wind,

To your question, I don't believe it's all about sex. However, I do think sex plays a large part in relationships. If the primary focus is on domestic and business cares, it's easy to get burnt out quick. This energy can filter into the dynamic of personal relationships and self care. I think you have to find a balance for all parties involved so that everyone is reaping the benefits but is also induced into putting in the work...hopefully equally.

-Tabz
 
I think there is a bit of a language translation involved.

What I think you are asking is if there are people that have a fully integrated three person relationship living under one roof.

I think you'll find several people on here (and thousands more not on these forums) have that kind of relationship. I am starting on that journey though we are going slow.

There are risks. The non-legal spouse is put in jeopardy without legal financial protection. Personal relationships are harder because it's not just one relationship that needs worked on; it's three... and that doesn't include your daughter.

I think it certainly can work, but it's much more complex than just creating the first marriage.
 
Apologies, TheWind, if I come across as dismissive. It's just that some of us have seen many variations on what you propose.

You seem to be indicating that wanting sex is somehow less... well, lacking a better word, noble than wanting partnership.

First, let me say that I have a "housholder" streak in me too, & have had groups with 3-5 people. But I've also had friends try to emulate us, & fail terribly because they simply weren't very good at having roommates.

Having multiple loving relationships is difficult enough. Making them housemates piles more expectations, more pressures on everyone involved. Then creating some sort of communal business increases potential problems & the damage that could occur if any of the "connecting points" runs into difficulty.

The root error is that it isn't what is expected, but that there are expectations at all. Expecting someone to join the household or business WILL cut significantly into the available candidate pool. Expecting sex is certainly not "less than" expecting housework... & at least when someone thinks she's might be establishing "an intimate relationship," most adults kinda have the idea that sex could be involved (while doing chores might not be anywhere near the list).

The more expectations, the less likely it is that any given person is going to be able to fulfill ALL of them.

And often (in my observation), people trying to "add someone in" doesn't work well. When presented with a candidate who doesn't immediately run away from the plan, it's NOT good to start making one compromise/exception after another in order to "shoehorn them in" rather than letting that relationship become what it will become. Rationally, they ought instead continue searching for someone who actually fits the plan, or massively revise/discard the plan as unworkable with everyone involved.
 
But what is wrong with three adults that work together to have a home and business?
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Nothing wrong with it if that's what the three adults want.

How many of you think past sex and to establishing a family, a business, rather than just sexual relations.
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I am not looking for jsut sex. I ok with it if things naturally grow in that direction -- to sharing a home. Though I would probably stop at (lovers + roomies.)

Because I don't want to work with my partners. I think it is better if everyone has their own work separately. Too much togetherness gets a bit "cabin fever-ish" to me. It's also a better bet -- because if the business folds, we are not ALL out of work at the same time.

If the need is more home help -- it's easier to me to hire a lawn person, a maid, etc.

If the need is financial help -- it's easier to me to find a roomie who I am NOT dating.

Galagirl
 
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That is what I was looking for, discourse on more than sex. I am good with sex, more than good, all our live ins have been more sex oriented relationships than household related. To me they didn't last because no matter how good the sex is, you need more in a relationship.

In the past polygamy was family oriented. Family was the center, you produced goods, traded for what you did not make. Widows and their children were taken into a brothers family. Granted times are changed. Women have more independence now. A qualifier to that, I for some reason am a throwback to my Celtic roots. Women in Celtic countries had the freedom that women experienced now, until Christianity took over.

With society changing now I wonder if going back to earlier model would benefit those of us that are poly. For centuries poly relationships were forbidden. Christianity banned them in the 1100s, Judaism in the 1300s. Is it time for a comeback?
 
Good point, maybe it is time for a comeback.
 
TheWind said:
That is what I was looking for, discourse on more than sex. I am good with sex, more than good, all our live ins have been more sex oriented relationships than household related. To me they didn't last because no matter how good the sex is, you need more in a relationship.

In the past polygamy was family oriented. Family was the center, you produced goods, traded for what you did not make. Widows and their children were taken into a brothers family. Granted times are changed. Women have more independence now. A qualifier to that, I for some reason am a throwback to my Celtic roots. Women in Celtic countries had the freedom that women experienced now, until Christianity took over.

With society changing now I wonder if going back to earlier model would benefit those of us that are poly. For centuries poly relationships were forbidden. Christianity banned them in the 1100s, Judaism in the 1300s. Is it time for a comeback?
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You make some sound points, TheWind. Ones that, oddly enough, speak to and help explain and clarify (to myself) WHY I was so averse to the very idea of non monogamy/polyamory for decades, until very recent events in my own personal life helped gradually re-shape my viewpoint on these relationship styles.

In "poly" circles, it's accepted that most people have been conditioned (indoctrinated) by a Westernised, New Testament Christianity-inspired standard which dictates that more than one wife/husband/sexual partner is straight-up "wrong".

But besides this, I guess the only examples I'd hitherto been exposed to regarding multi-partner domestic arrangements involved (usually) older, wealthy men with multiple (often substantially younger) wives in Old Testament stories; across many other patriarchial/religious-based societies throughout the world in which women are viewed more as chattels and child-bearers rather than having free agency to conduct relationships however they wish; in some modern-day Mormon enclaves where the culture of "sister wives" serving a OPP persists; and of course, in porn and some realms of the contemporary male mindset in which FMF threesomes and the idea of "hot" lesbian sex for the MALE's pleasure is rife.

In other words, the very idea of non-monogamy appeared to me until very recently, to be mainly about what the MALE could get out of it in terms of endless sexual gratification and domestic service, rather than something that would be freely chosen as a lifestyle by any sane, self respecting woman. As such, polygamy, and group sex in particular, just seemed sleazy and something to be avoided if one didn't want to be used as a sex toy, breeding cow or domestic slave.

Sure, intellectually I understood the aims of poly-AMORY and concluded there were probably isolated pockets of people who were practising this as a lifestyle in an ethical way and for the "right" reasons. However, until very recently, I still found it super difficult to completely drop the suspicion that the "-amory" notion was often just a ruse to either "cheat in plain sight" or "have one's cake and eat it too" (have more/casual sex, with more partners) while maintaining the illusion that no one is being treated like an easily discardable object or piece of meat.

It has taken a good two years to shed that mindset and I'm still not all the way there. Having said that, as the hinge of a "V" with one male and one female partner who are co-primaries, I am now seriously contemplating a living situation akin to the one you mention in your OP: a shared poly household in which our "V" will conduct itself more like an egalitarian triad. We don't plan on going into business together, mind you, at least not at this stage. And we all plan on having separate bedrooms, because each of us are privacy "gimme some space!" nuts. Besides that, as the hinge, I'd feel too pressured or like I was choosing sides if I were to share a room with one partner over another.

However, you're right... at our age (mine and my partners) and stage of life, it's NOT all about the sex, as important a part of a relationship as that is. It's about cooperation and companionship and shared resources and friendship and fun.
 
Sort of where we are at. Neither of us likes the party. We barely drink, she at the moment is building a business. I do domestic and help her out. We were in poly relationships in the past. Two live in women at different times. Some girl friends, mine some we shared. She has an occasional male sex buddy. But as we get busy with the home, work and now business. Sex with another is fun, stress relieving, and part of a relationship. But there is so much more to a relationship. One thing is we know many women close to my wife's age, which makes them 'hot single women' to me, that can not find and keep a relationship.
Add to that that most of them make barely enough to live alone. We are a depressed area. Would it not make sense to have a three adult home? Whether outside work or a mutual business, would cause the a benefit to the household.
 
TheWind said:
Sort of where we are at. Neither of us likes the party. We barely drink, she at the moment is building a business. I do domestic and help her out. We were in poly relationships in the past. Two live in women at different times. Some girl friends, mine some we shared. She has an occasional male sex buddy. But as we get busy with the home, work and now business. Sex with another is fun, stress relieving, and part of a relationship. But there is so much more to a relationship. One thing is we know many women close to my wife's age, which makes them 'hot single women' to me, that can not find and keep a relationship.
Add to that that most of them make barely enough to live alone. We are a depressed area. Would it not make sense to have a three adult home? Whether outside work or a mutual business, would cause the a benefit to the household.
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Well, sure, it would make sense on some level to get a roommate to help share expenses. You can't expect her to clean up YOUR messes though.

And if you expect one of these hot single women to become your sex partner, I can see someone having reservations about that. If she went to the effort of moving in, to save money, and then the sexual/love relationship with you didn't work out, and it became very uncomfortable to live with you, she'd then be worse off than before, and need to pay the expenses and emotional energy involved in finding a new place to live, while grieving a failed relationship as well.

There just isn't much in it for a woman who is expected to be the "third" in an already established MF relationship. The assumed benefits don't really outweigh the risks. It might sound good "on paper" or in your mind's fantasy, but the reality is much different.
 
We are not interested a roommate or hot sexy woman. We don't even date under 45 and are more interested in someone that fits in as a partner. As for cleaning up messes, in our household we all share responsibilities and benefits. We want nothing less. Others we have been involved with wanted monogamy and something on the side.
 
Certainly, an integrated triad is doable, so to speak. (As I said, after much consideration, it is what me and my partners have decided to aim for.)

Thing is, the successful ones tend to come about organically, as I understand it. I'm not sure it's wise or really even possible to ask a new partner to just slot themselves into this role UNLESS that is also what they really want out of life and a number of their own goals mesh with both yours and your established partner's. i.e. Any new person would have to be romantically/sexually attracted to you both, have no qualms sharing a domestic space with an established couple, want to assist with the running of the household AND help out in the "family" business, have no objection to combining finances, etc. That is a LOT to expect of anyone straight off the bat.

It's not impossible that you may luck out and find someone who not only loves and is compatible with you both AND is willing to give up their own career ambitions in order to re-direct their time, resources and skills into a this communal endeavour... but it's somewhat of a long shot.
 
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