SEXTING AND CAMMING BOTH INFIDELITY??

[JeffandDrew]

I’m in an open relationship, I think . We have had the most difficult time to navigate thru the do’s and don’ts of our commitment of respect and Love. I am truly and madly in love with him but I keep hurting for reasons I don’t completely understand or agree with but it’s him who I want to be happy so I try to meet him halfway. The thing is he doesn’t meet me half way. We have multiple gay social Media apps on our phones and some we share an account and some we have separately. Twitter, Xhamster, dudesnude, Skype, zoom, manyvidz, and maybe more, I’m not sure anymore if he’s being completely honest with me. But I chose to decide that he is. Until we get in argument about why did you write that person this and why did you write that person that way, so on so forth… So I jump on my cam apps and jerkoff with other Men but 90% in a zoom room/group setting, as we feel it’s less intimate and more like just wanting the raw urge to jerkoff and cum. Before moving forward, sorry we are 22 years apart 42 and 64 respectively.

The Major issue is… sexting and camming are they same kind of infidelity?? For me it’s really not cheating at all per say, as long as it’s not repetitively with the same person…grey area??? If it is then let your partner in to be in the know and discuss how it makes them feel.

He believes that camming is cheating but sexting is not, so that’s where I’m confused. If we are going to classify cheating as an intimate moment with another person then why is one different then the other. Does the action speak louder than words concept work here??? I have no fucking idea anymore

 

[Evie]

Cheating is breaking your relationship agreements. Different relationships, different agreements, so it's basically impossible to fully qualify cheating for someone else (at least when you are on a polyamory message board; monogamy tends to have a bunch of assumed agreements and cheating is rather "easy" because there are so many.)

So it seems like what's happening here is you both want different agreements regarding camming. I honestly don't know enough about gay male culture to give any opinion on the actual group zoom thing, but if one partner is okay with it and the other isn't, it's usually a good idea for the not-okay-partner to examine their own beliefs about why it's feeling like a threat, and how they might navigate becoming more comfortable and not feel like they have to control their partner's sexuality in order for feel secure.

The partner who is okay with it can help by setting a reasonable time bound pause on that activity (a month, two?) so the not-comfortable-partner can work through it with a breather on the actual thing happening.

And help each other out along the way, of course. After all, you're in a relationship, with love, respect and care for each other. Be kind to each other as you're working through this.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle. FWIW? Here are my impressions.

There seems to be several issues here.

1) You are hurting in this relationship. You try to meet him halfway. He does not meet you halfway. (About what?)

2) You aren't sure he's honest with you. (About what?)

3) There are arguments about being on apps. I am not sure if he's mad you use them or you are mad he uses them. But something is going on there with apps use that causes arguments.

3) When you have arguments? You like to cope by using camming to masturbate with. Sounds like you don't have actual agreements around sexting and camming at this time. And view it differently.

• He thinks sexting is ok. But camming is not. Maybe because in sexting you don't see each other? With camming you do see each other?
• You think they are both ok so long as you don't keep doing it with the same person.

Maybe take a step back? Have a time out for heads to cool off first? Then deal with one issue at a time?

Are sexting and camming important to you? Or would you be willing to let them go as coping tools if he'd stop arguing with you about using apps? Why is using the dating apps causing fights? What would you like in terms of behaviors that show he's being more honest? Or meeting you half way?

What it is you actually would like to have in this relationship that you aren't getting?

We have had the most difficult time to navigate thru the do’s and don’ts of our commitment of respect and Love. I am truly and madly in love with him but I keep hurting for reasons I don’t completely understand or agree with but it’s him who I want to be happy so I try to meet him halfway. The thing is he doesn’t meet me half way.

I could be wrong, but I'm getting a "damned if I do, damned if I don't" vibe here.

What's that all mean? That one of you wants open/poly and the other doesn't? So all the rest of the problems stem from that? Lack of honesty, not seeing eye to eye, fights about talking to people on apps, sexting, or camming?

Why are you hurting in this relationship? Are you bending into pretzels just to keep it going?

I cannot tell if this can be worked out or if this needs to be a parting of ways so you can stop hurting.

Here's an assessment tool. It can be for all ages and you don't have to answer any of it here. Just to help you reflect.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.

www.scarleteen.com

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello JeffandDrew,

Camming and sexting can both be the same in terms of infidelity, what it comes down to, in both cases, is whether both original partners agree that they are okay with it. "Yes I am okay with camming with whomever," "Yes I am okay with sexting with whomever." Those two magical sentences make all the difference in the world, but they must be spoken honestly, no, "I'm okay with it, on the following conditions." Although that can be okay too, it just depends on the specific situation. Everyone is different. Every couple is different.

As for my personal reaction, as far as, what if my partner was camming, versus, what if my partner was sexting, I would consider them both to be the same thing. Either they are both infidelity, or, if my partner gets my consent ahead of time, then they are both open/poly. I do not place special identifiers on either of them.

I take it your partner feels that he should be able to do all the sexting he wants, but you should not object to it. I think you feel that camming and sexting are the same thing, so you are confused as to why your partner feels like they are different. I personally feel like they are the same, but I am not your partner. You need to have a heart-to-heart with your partner.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Marcus]

The Major issue is… sexting and camming are they same kind of infidelity?? For me it’s really not cheating at all per say, as long as it’s not repetitively with the same person…grey area???

The only rules that ought to exist in a consensual relationship, need to be enthusiastically agreed upon by all parties. I specify "enthusiastically", because begrudging adherence to a rule in a voluntary relationship is a mondo bad idea. When people begrudgingly agree to a rule, that's a sign of any number of corrosive realities in that association.

The response to an agreement needs to be "all in", or it needs to be thrown out and the relationship needs to be adjusted to fit the new reality.

 

[Magdlyn]

It seems like you are both confused as to what kind of non-monogamy you and your partner are involved in. I am guessing the writer of the OP is Jeff, the 42 year old? Please correct me if I am wrong. We generally recommend both members of a couple sign up for separate accounts. You two are not a couple blob. You are individuals with different bodies, minds and hearts, even if you do feel love and a bond as a couple. Since you disagree on what is OK to do as far as sexual activities with others, being clear about whom is posting would help your readers to give advice.

If Jeff posts on this shared account, he can sign it as Jeff. If Drew posts on this shared account he can sign his name. I'm guessing you guys thought you'd share an account here, and let each other read whatever one of you posts, in order to feel like you're both being "honest" with each other here. But you have differences of opinion on what is going in your relationships with each other, plus with the casual partners, and why.

OK, that said-- this is not a board for cheaters, nor a board for swingers (i.e., partners who are both engaged in casual sex with others). Those are other forms of non-monogamy. There are boards for that. This is a board for polyamorists, or those interested in learning more polyamory. Polyamory means multiple loves (not just casual sex, whether that be in person, or online, or sexting). Poly people are willing and eager to share their full persons with their lovers, not just their genitalia.

If you, Jeff, or you, Drew, think the other is cheating, you need to come to some sort of agreement as to what you each believe cheating is. You might need a counselor to help you come to this agreement. Once you agree on what is cheating, you both need to not cheat. If one of you does cheat, per your agreed-upon guideline, you need to confess and work to regain trust. Maybe you have to go back to the drawing board and renegotiate. Maybe you'll never agree as to what constitutes cheating. In that case, you are not suited for each other romantically or sexually and it would be best to break up.

I am not a gay male. (I am female-presenting, non-binary, pansexual and polyamorous.) As a queer though, I have gay male friends and I have read and talked about gay male culture. I know there is a very long tradition of where 2 gay men will commit to each other romantically, but agree to it being OK to have casual (often one-night stand) sex with other men. In this day of the internet, there is a new grey area of online sex.

However, in polyamory, partners agree that each member of a couple has the right and consent to not just have casual sex but to also fall in love with others, date others, and even sometimes gain a serious partner, with as much status as the first partner.

However, you guys do not even agree at this time as to whether it is OK to have cam sex. Only sexting has been agreed upon. So you, Jeff (if I have this right) are currently cheating by camming with men in some kind of Zoom group. And you are not willing to give this up, even though Drew calls it infidelity. If you are both insisting it's your way or the highway, it sounds like continued bad feelings: hurt, anger, and mounting mistrust, are your lot. If you want good feelings, trust and peace to prevail, you need to get on the same page.

I recommend reading the book Opening Up, which covers swinging (casual sex) and polyamory, and how to do it, as an individual, or as part of a couple, triad, etc.