Sharing a boyfriend with my cousin?

[MinervaSuspect]

So I’m at a super confusing crossroads right now. I’ve been friends with this one guy for a while, and he just so happens to be dating my cousin. As of yesterday, we shared our feelings for each other, despite him dating my cousin. It turns out we’ve both liked each other for a while now. Thankfully, my cousin is very open about the fact that she is polyamorous, and so is he. Just an hour ago, I talked to the guy and he mentioned that she fully gave us her blessing if we wanted to date.

We just don’t know the morality of dating while he’s dating my cousin. Would it be weird? This is so stressful.

 

[Magdlyn]

I wouldn't judge this as whether it's a matter of being "weird" or not. It's not incest, if that's what you mean.

The problem with dating someone who is dating a close friend or relative is what kind of damage it can do to your own friendship with the relative/friend. Most relationships do not last forever. Breakups can be ugly.

For example, what would happen if you dated him, but it didn't work out, and he broke up you, while you still loved him? You could get very envious of your cousin, and that could cause you to resent her. That would be a shame for your relationship with her, and it could also damage her relationship with him.

 

[MinervaSuspect]

I wouldn't judge this as whether it's a matter of being "weird" or not. It's not incest, if that's what you mean.

The problem with dating someone who is dating a close friend or relative is what kind of damage it can do to your own friendship with the relative/friend. Most relationships do not last forever. Breakups can be ugly.

For example, what would happen if you dated him, but it didn't work out, and he broke up you, while you still loved him? You could get very envious of your cousin, and that could cause you to resent her. That would be a shame for your relationship with her, and it could also damage her relationship with him.

Thank you for this! I see what you mean honestly

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

Or the other way around. What if you two start dating, and he decides he no longer wants to date cousin? It would be easy for her to blame you (even though it would clearly be his decision).

Also, how would your extended family respond to you and your cousin having the same partner? Or would they know?

I personally wouldn't mix family (bio or chosen) and romance. It's not worth the risk to me.

If you're not that close with your cousin or the family, who might feel like they need to choose between you and cousin if things got messy, and you two no longer wanted to share physical space, it might be worth the risk for you.

I think the only way it would feel weird would be if you both ended up having kids with the guy. They'd be siblings, but also generally considered cousins. That could be awkward for them. If kids aren't possible (like at all-- permanently prevented, because accidents happen), then again, it's your personal preference.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello MinervaSuspect,

In my opinion, morality is defined by mutual consent. If you have mutual consent, it doesn't matter how "weird" it is. You have consent from this guy, and you have consent from your cousin. I guess the remaining question is, do *you* consent to this? If you do, then you shouldn't have to worry about it. For me, it wouldn't be a big deal, but I know you're struggling.

Sympathetic regards,
Kevin T.

 

[dingedheart]

How old are all of you? There is a difference between consenting adults of 18 and consenting adults of 45. And maybe maturity matters more in this than straight-up age.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hello MinervaSuspect,

In my opinion, morality is defined by mutual consent. If you have mutual consent, it doesn't matter how "weird" it is. You have consent from this guy, and you have consent from your cousin. I guess the remaining question is, do *you* consent to this? If you do, then you shouldn't have to worry about it. For me, it wouldn't be a big deal, but I know you're struggling.

I don't think there's true consent yet. They could rush into this impulsively, and devil take the hindmost, but Minerva is asking about the repercussions down the road, which might actually cause her to not consent to this, and, if discussed with the other parties, make them rethink whether is seems wise to do this, too.