They assumed that because the default, the norm, is that your communications with a friend or lover are private. Even in regards to their spouse. It's not routine for people to read all their partner's text messages etc. Even if they could because they have access, they normally wouldn't.
She wants him to herself...
- Thread starter castle33
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They assumed that because the default, the norm, is that your communications with a friend or lover are private. Even in regards to their spouse. It's not routine for people to read all their partner's text messages etc. Even if they could because they have access, they normally wouldn't.
WhatHappened
Active member
My understanding was that he lied. But regardless of whether he lied or believed what he said, asking would likely have garnered the same response: reasserting what he'd already said.
Additionally, it would seem a peculiar and sad world where we have to constantly ask about what we've already been told.
True. And yet, as said above, what kind of world does this become if we all come to expect that we need to ask about what we've already been told? If we have to constantly assume we're being lied to about something or other, if we have to constantly guess which of the things we were told today might be a lie, and thus which things to ask about again?
As I remember, in this case, Hera was new to poly. Having been in normal monogamous relationships before, it likely would not have occurred to her to assume her private texts and emails were being shared, because in prior relationships, they wouldn't have been. And yes, sorry, but there are normal, default ways of doing things. Of course there are exceptions to the rule-- which only clarifies that there is a rule.
Again, what kind of world would this be if, in order to have interactions, we have to start from Ground Zero in each and every relationship, clarifying every single expectation, behavior, action, questioning every word, etc.? There are thousands upon thousands of such individual actions, etc., such that we could not function without some common ground, and things that can be assumed about what is proper, and therefore reasonably expected behavior.
You're right that plenty of posts here show that people assumed privacy and got burned. I'm one of them. I have no idea if his wife ever read my e-mails, but that's not the point. She had complete access to what I thought, quite reasonably, given I was told this was like any other relationship by the so-called poly expert (XBF), were private messages. Nobody bothered to tell me otherwise.
I would counter that if we're going to accuse people of assumptions, it's a much worse assumption to just assume that your new girlfriend knows her private texts and e-mails may be read by your wife, and to assume that she's fine with that. Why would anyone assume such a thing, given that a relationship, by its very definition, involves some level of privacy between two people?
I agree there is an expectation of privacy for conversations between partners, or close friends, or whatever. If Boots, for example, wanted to share a conversation of ours with Glow, he'd damn well better check with me first. (That hasn't come up yet, but I did give him permission to share my OKC profile with her, and she gave him permission to share her profile with me. Neither of which has actually happened yet.) Likewise, if I wanted to let Hubby read a conversation, I would check with Boots first.
On the other hand, I think there is a difference between actually letting one partner read your communications with another partner and just telling one partner, "Hey, my other partner said he really liked my dress Saturday," or whatever. The first, to me, is an invasion of privacy; the second is sharing information or being excited about a compliment or something.
But personally... I know I overshare sometimes, so I've made it clear to Guy, S2, and now Boots that I might tell Hubby about something they've said. I won't let him *read* it, but I might *talk* about it. And I've told Hubby that I might share things he says with one of the others. But I've also told all of them to let me know if there's something they want me to keep just between us. So I do make sure there's some understanding that, while I won't let anyone else *read* a conversation, I might mention what's been said, and I give them the option to tell me not to mention it. I don't expect them to assume Hubby will read my texts or emails, because I don't expect Hubby to do so. I expect my own privacy from him, let alone the privacy of any other partners.
But Hubby's big on privacy anyway. The one time I wanted Hubby to read a text conversation (with Guy, and Guy had given me his permission to share the conversation), Hubby refused. He said he will never read any conversations between me and another partner, even if the other partner and I both say it's okay. When we first opened the marriage and Hubby was interested in another woman, he tried to show me their messages, and I told him to make sure it was okay with her first.
Regardless of how open a couple is with each other, I don't think it's right for either partner to share a conversation they've had with a third party unless that third party has been asked if they're okay with it being shared. It isn't only about the couple letting each other know what's going on; there's someone else involved who has a right to say whether they're okay with their privacy being compromised, or at the very least to know it's going to be. That isn't something that should be "assumed." It's something that should be DISCUSSED.
On the other hand, I think there is a difference between actually letting one partner read your communications with another partner and just telling one partner, "Hey, my other partner said he really liked my dress Saturday," or whatever. The first, to me, is an invasion of privacy; the second is sharing information or being excited about a compliment or something.
But personally... I know I overshare sometimes, so I've made it clear to Guy, S2, and now Boots that I might tell Hubby about something they've said. I won't let him *read* it, but I might *talk* about it. And I've told Hubby that I might share things he says with one of the others. But I've also told all of them to let me know if there's something they want me to keep just between us. So I do make sure there's some understanding that, while I won't let anyone else *read* a conversation, I might mention what's been said, and I give them the option to tell me not to mention it. I don't expect them to assume Hubby will read my texts or emails, because I don't expect Hubby to do so. I expect my own privacy from him, let alone the privacy of any other partners.
But Hubby's big on privacy anyway. The one time I wanted Hubby to read a text conversation (with Guy, and Guy had given me his permission to share the conversation), Hubby refused. He said he will never read any conversations between me and another partner, even if the other partner and I both say it's okay. When we first opened the marriage and Hubby was interested in another woman, he tried to show me their messages, and I told him to make sure it was okay with her first.
Regardless of how open a couple is with each other, I don't think it's right for either partner to share a conversation they've had with a third party unless that third party has been asked if they're okay with it being shared. It isn't only about the couple letting each other know what's going on; there's someone else involved who has a right to say whether they're okay with their privacy being compromised, or at the very least to know it's going to be. That isn't something that should be "assumed." It's something that should be DISCUSSED.
Inyourendo
New member
I think it's far more common that people read their partner's messages.
Inyourendo
New member
What are you basing this on?
Legion
New member
Thanks! This forum is such a wealth of perspective! <3
It's also nice to revisit some of Nyx's old posts and mine as well for further perspective.
Really? Then why is it so common to hear/read "I shouldn't have been snooping but..."
Their surprise to find out that it wasn't as they assumed it would be.
You are both probably basing it on your personal experiences and those of your poly friends. I think we need a poll!
IndieSolo
Active member
In 12 years of monogamous marriage, my ex-husband and I never read each other's emails or texts unless one of us asked the other to do so for a particular reason (like getting a date for an event or an account number from a specific sender). We knew each other's passwords because we both used the same one for everything, but the underlying assumption we both had was that our email and text communications were private, and if there was no explicit permission to look at it, that would be snooping and not right.
Hell, my husband felt uncomfortable with looking in my handbag, even if I asked him to! He would bring me the whole bag and let me look through it. I never once went through his wallet, either.
The same respect for privacy was automatically assumed and practiced in every other relationship I've ever had, as well. I would never assume that a partner just gets carte blanche to check or rummage through my stuff, nor I in his. If I ever found a partner snooping, it would be something to talk about.
So, when I meet a poly guy who is partnered, I ask whether he would be sharing my communications to him with his partner. If he expects to do that without my permission, it could be a deal-breaker.
Hell, my husband felt uncomfortable with looking in my handbag, even if I asked him to! He would bring me the whole bag and let me look through it. I never once went through his wallet, either.
The same respect for privacy was automatically assumed and practiced in every other relationship I've ever had, as well. I would never assume that a partner just gets carte blanche to check or rummage through my stuff, nor I in his. If I ever found a partner snooping, it would be something to talk about.
So, when I meet a poly guy who is partnered, I ask whether he would be sharing my communications to him with his partner. If he expects to do that without my permission, it could be a deal-breaker.
Castle, I hope you feel better soon!
Alt and Country's father was one of the most suspicious men I've ever met, and constantly accused me of cheating on him. He made a point of sabotaging every single friendship I ever had except with members of his family.
But *even he* never read my emails, instant messages, or texts.
Alt and Country's father was one of the most suspicious men I've ever met, and constantly accused me of cheating on him. He made a point of sabotaging every single friendship I ever had except with members of his family.
But *even he* never read my emails, instant messages, or texts.
Privacy is an inherent relationship RIGHT. It is a given. No different in my mind than using the restroom. Private, thank you. One does not need to 'ask' for common privacy. I will state to any future mate, do NOT read my emails or texts. I would feel Violated. My trust would be broken forever with that person.
WhatHappened
Active member
Privacy is an inherent relationship RIGHT. It is a given. No different in my mind than using the restroom. Private, thank you. One does not need to 'ask' for common privacy. I will state to any future mate, do NOT read my emails or texts. I would feel Violated. My trust would be broken forever with that person.
Thank you, MsS. You have stated it perfectly.
I was appalled when I realized that not only had my e-mails been open to someone else, but even more that it had not even occurred to them to tell me this. It made me feel as if I, as a human being, was simply immaterial to them; that I really was nothing more than a blow-up doll in their world, because people in relationships are given privacy.
I have mixed feelings about privacy because there's essentially no filter between Snowbunny and me. Any information I have is hers to examine. On the other hand, when I have shared with Snowbunny other people's emails to me, I've let them know I was doing that and made sure they were okay with it.
@ castle33 ... really sorry to hear about how things have been going for you, and hope you get feeling better soon.
@ castle33 ... really sorry to hear about how things have been going for you, and hope you get feeling better soon.
Privacy is a multiple-yes system, as Hubby would say. If you and your partner have no expectation of privacy from each other, i.e., you read each other's emails, texts, etc., that's your choice. But that doesn't take into account the expectations others have for their privacy.
If you're sharing texts or emails from someone else, to me, it's only right that they be made aware that you and your partner share those things with each other, and that the third party has the right to say, "I don't want you to share this."
Personally, I would be furious if someone shared my texts or emails with another partner without telling me. I would likewise be furious if Hubby read any of my texts or emails from others without the consent of me and the other person, because he and I do have an expectation of privacy from one another. It's very important to me to be able to express myself freely, without worrying about the wrong person seeing it, which was why even when it frustrated me, S2's insistence on not visiting this forum so I could keep it as my "safe space" was appreciated.
If you're sharing texts or emails from someone else, to me, it's only right that they be made aware that you and your partner share those things with each other, and that the third party has the right to say, "I don't want you to share this."
Personally, I would be furious if someone shared my texts or emails with another partner without telling me. I would likewise be furious if Hubby read any of my texts or emails from others without the consent of me and the other person, because he and I do have an expectation of privacy from one another. It's very important to me to be able to express myself freely, without worrying about the wrong person seeing it, which was why even when it frustrated me, S2's insistence on not visiting this forum so I could keep it as my "safe space" was appreciated.
vinsanity0
Active member
I always work under the assumption that emails and texts could be read. I also assume that any of our relationships may be discussed with one or more of their other partners.