Short story, how did you know?

[leeflaufloef]

Dear Readers,

I am new to this platform. I am thinking that I might be poly. I have always crushed on multiple people at the same time. As I'm getting older, the crushes are tending to grow more serious, as well.

I've been dating this older guy on and off for more than two years now. The love we have for each other lies incredibly deep and it's very mutual. We have a strong and special bond, but we are not together. He wants to be, though. I have fallen in love with someone else, as well, and I'm now 6 months in. We have kissed sometimes, but it's not serious or anything, yet. I fantasize about a life with him and having fun together. He says he might be asexual. I think he might be aromantic, as well.

I notice that in my dream world I would be with them, both, separately. They'd probably think this is ridiculous, but choosing between the two makes me sick to my stomach. I've been an emotional wreck since Guy A pleaded his love again, plus his desires to really be together. I cannot be with him. I am a student and I need to fly freely. It breaks my heart. Thinking about a life without him seems undoable, as well..

Does this mean I am sort of polyamorous? How did you find out? I am very curious.

Kisses,
Me

 

[Evie]

It's long been a bit of a debate whether polyamory is an orientation or a relationship style choice, or both. I would say it's both. You can choose to intentionally design your relationships so that they always allow room for you to be polyamorous. Or you could feel capable of loving more than one person but choose to remain monogamous (or single) because you don't have the time or energy to develop the skills that make for peaceful, effective polyamory. Perhaps you are happy to have feelings for more than one person, but freak out if they have feelings for someone else too and you can't agree on a fair relationship structure other than monogamy. Or a closed V but then you begin to realise how much work it is being the hinge and if one relationship ends, you simply don't feel the need for a second again.

I didn't "find out" I was polyamorous, I made a deliberate decision to discuss the possibility of transitioning a closed relationship back into an open one with my then only partner. I wanted to both reconnect with my fwb, and develop new *anythings* - fwbs, long term partners, or comet hook ups. (Note: I generally have feelings for fwbs and comet hook ups, too, but don't see them as relationship partners). It was because I really enjoy loving the people I'm attracted to and connect with both intellectually and sexually. And I really enjoy having the autonomy to act upon my attractions.

I hope you find your answers for yourself about what type of relationship structures you're capable of maintaining.

 

[leeflaufloef]

It's long been a bit of a debate whether polyamory is an orientation or a relationship style choice, or both. I would say it's both. You can choose to intentionally design your relationships so that they always allow room for you to be polyamorous. Or you could feel capable of loving more than one person but choose to remain monogamous (or single) because you don't have the time or energy to develop the skills that make for peaceful, effective polyamory. Perhaps you are happy to have feelings for more than one person, but freak out if they have feelings for someone else too and you can't agree on a fair relationship structure other than monogamy. Or a closed V but then you begin to realise how much work it is being the hinge and if one relationship ends, you simply don't feel the need for a second again.

I didn't "find out" I was polyamorous, I made a deliberate decision to discuss the possibility of transitioning a closed relationship back into an open one with my then only partner. I wanted to both reconnect with my fwb, and develop new *anythings* - fwbs, long term partners, or comet hook ups. (Note: I generally have feelings for fwbs and comet hook ups, too, but don't see them as relationship partners). It was because I really enjoy loving the people I'm attracted to and connect with both intellectually and sexually. And I really enjoy having the autonomy to act upon my attractions.

I hope you find your answers for yourself about what type of relationship structures you're capable of maintaining.

Thank you a lot for your reaction. It is interesting to hear about other people's experiences.

I personally would not mind my partners being intimate or involved with other people as well but they simply won't. I have wondered for a long time now why monogamy is so important. I've always loved loving the people around me and that's just what I want to keep on doing. I do experience short periods of time where I develop feelings for people when I sleep with them but it never really lasts. I find myself heartbroken about others making me 'choose' one. I too hope that this sadness will lie down a bit because I normally really enjoy my life a lot, and that I am one day able to find answers for my questions.

Thank you lots!!
-kisses, me

 

[Evie]

If someone requests I choose...I choose me. I choose the direction that helps me feel most authentically myself, as as you put it, I love loving the people around me, too, so I choose the way that allows me to keep doing that the most.

 

[leeflaufloef]

If someone requests I choose...I choose me. I choose the direction that helps me feel most authentically myself, as as you put it, I love loving the people around me, too, so I choose the way that allows me to keep doing that the most.

Thank you Evie!!

 

[Magdlyn]

Dear Readers,

I am new to this platform. I am thinking that I might be poly. I have always crushed on multiple people at the same time. As I'm getting older, the crushes are tending to grow more serious, as well.

I've been dating this older guy on and off for more than two years now. The love we have for each other lies incredibly deep and it's very mutual. We have a strong and special bond, but we are not together. He wants to be, though. I have fallen in love with someone else, as well, and I'm now 6 months in. We have kissed sometimes, but it's not serious or anything, yet. I fantasize about a life with him and having fun together. He says he might be asexual. I think he might be aromantic, as well.

I have a hard time understanding which guy you're referring to in the paragraph above. Would you please choose nicknames for the 2 men? I am not sure which one wants to be with you full time, which one has been kissed, which one is asexual/possibly aromantic, which one you fantasize about having a life/fun with.

I notice that in my dream world I would be with them, both, separately. They'd probably think this is ridiculous, but choosing between the two makes me sick to my stomach. I've been an emotional wreck since Guy A pleaded his love again, plus his desires to really be together. I cannot be with him. I am a student and I need to fly freely. It breaks my heart. Thinking about a life without him seems undoable, as well..

Does this mean I am sort of polyamorous? How did you find out? I am very curious.

Kisses,
Me

There is so much poly information out there now, if you just start to dig. This board is a good start. But there is even polyamorous stuff in older media. We have a list of movies here with poly content, with the theme of people making multiple relationships work without having to choose.

My favorite movie with a poly theme is from 1969, a time of "free love." It's called Paint Your Wagon. It's set in the gold rush west of the mid-to-late 19th century. It's a classic musical comedy and really quite entertaining, and the poly theme is very well worked out. Check it out!

 

[kdt26417]

Hello leeflaufloef,

You seem to be polyamorous, although I don't know whether you have told Guy A about Guy B yet. Personally, I knew I was polyamorous when I fell in love with a married woman, and we didn't want her to divorce her husband. Prior to this, I had already realized that true morality is defined by mutual consent.

Monogamy should not be considered as all that important. It is only an integral part of our world because it has been forced on us over time. There is reason to suppose that in prehistoric times, humans were usually nonmonogamous.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.