Should I ask?

L

Lizparker89

New member
Here's my situation. I'm married-been married for five years now. My husband and I just don't seem to vibe sexually. He is or was bi and I accept that but he cheated on me once when we first got married and it kinda hurt. But whatever that's not why I want this. I feel like sexually I'm not getting what I need from him and I'm someone who is very sexual-I love it, I can stay in all day and just screw like rabbits if he wanted to. But he never really does, he's not into kinky things and telling me his fantasies. I love him and know he loves me and wants to make this work. We've talked about how our marriage is sexless and passionless so many times but nothing changes. I feel like if we have an open marriage it can help us. He can get out his wants with men without going behind my back and I can get what I want without hurting him. I want to be with him, he is my best friend but I need that extra passion and sex in my life. Should I even ask him what he thinks about an open marriage? Or do you think it will make us fight and just grow further apart? If you have any similar stories that would help. Thanks
 
Hey you posted this in the blog section, instead of in the Relationships section. Click the ! in the red triangle on the top right corner of your post to have a mod move it.

Yes, you two sound like good candidates for an open marriage or polyamory! You get sex with men and so does he, and still get to stay connected emotionally. Win win.
 
I would also add that throughout the whole process: COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE!

Lack of communication will kill any otherwise perfect process like this. My partner and I talk things to death before following through, and we still sometimes have issues on the other side; then, we talk about it again!

Make sure that even if you don't know the answers, that you two should expect to answer some questions like:
  • Can you accept or do you want him to pursue his own open relationships? (i.e. symmetry)
  • Is it just for sex?
  • What happens if it starts out just for sex but someone ends up developing deeper feelings?
  • Any boundaries on initial meetings, overnights, whether you tell him or not, first time of each "event" (first time kiss, first time sex), kissing, bringing your lovers to events/your shared home, etc.?
  • How to ensure your relationship stays strong during the transition and after things stabilize? Will you have date nights? Spend time together another way? Show each other your love another way?

Some of these are practical, some are harder to wrap around, but you'll encounter all of them in the process.
 
Hi Lizparker89,

Nothing and no one can guarantee that it can be done without damage to your marriage, but I still recommend that you talk with your husband about open marriage. You have some hang-ups that could be solved by open marriage. It seems obvious that you should talk about it.

We'll try to help on this forum.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

I think you could focus on what is best/healthy for the people.

Do not focus on clinging to relationship shapes. A (Closed Marriage) shape isn't working out here. So you have to ask for changes.

Should I even ask him what he thinks about an open marriage? Or do you think it will make us fight and just grow further apart?
Click to expand...

I think you could ask and find out. Because saying nothing and building frustrations or resentments could also make you fight/grow apart.

He cannot be a mind reader. So ask.

Basically he's going to be up for practicing Open Marriage. Then you can both seek other lovers in a clean way. And that alleviates the sex part.

Or he's not up for it. You guys change the conversation to disbanding the marriage to becoming (good exes/friends) instead. Then you are each free to see other lovers in a clean way. Which alleviates the sex part.

Galagirl
 
My wife and I opened up for similar reasons, but it took a long time. The answer depends on what you've heard so far. Does he have a problem with the lack of passion? Frankly, I'm surprised the subject hasn't come up in the discussions you mentioned.
 
My wife pushed me into Poly (although she really doesn't think of it as such) because she wanted to have a specific relationship - and yet wanted to be honest about it and not disrupt our marriage and family any more than necessary. So my situation is different.

However, if I were in your position, I believe that I would bring up the topic in general - and what it might hypothetically look like for you and him without actually suggesting it at this point - and gauge his reaction. That way he would be less threatened and might be more likely to consider the possibility. Just a couple of cents worth....

Best,

Al
 
sexless marriage

In marriage love is essential for it to last, sex isn't.

My own marriage is statistically sexless, e.g. a handful of times a year for years now. My DH and I just agreed to open it up and at the same time go fully sexless. Its an option and it might be something for you folks to discuss, reflect upon and consider.

Jenn
 
Lizparker89 said:
Here's my situation. I'm married-been married for five years now. My husband and I just don't seem to vibe sexually. He is or was bi and I accept that but he cheated on me once when we first got married and it kinda hurt. But whatever that's not why I want this. I feel like sexually I'm not getting what I need from him and I'm someone who is very sexual-I love it, I can stay in all day and just screw like rabbits if he wanted to. But he never really does, he's not into kinky things and telling me his fantasies. I love him and know he loves me and wants to make this work. We've talked about how our marriage is sexless and passionless so many times but nothing changes. I feel like if we have an open marriage it can help us. He can get out his wants with men without going behind my back and I can get what I want without hurting him. I want to be with him, he is my best friend but I need that extra passion and sex in my life. Should I even ask him what he thinks about an open marriage? Or do you think it will make us fight and just grow further apart? If you have any similar stories that would help. Thanks
Click to expand...

Maybe ask him why he wants to SETTLE for a sexless marriage.

How long did you date before marriage ??? How good or bad was your sex life then ?

What's your downside in asking ????less sex ?
 
islandgal said:
In marriage love is essential for it to last, sex isn't.
Click to expand...

Not really. Marriage in most cultures and throughout most of history is not founded on love, but on economics and social stability. The very last thing you want to base marriage on is love if stability is the goal. That we revere love in marriage as we do is a very, very recent and Western development. Even in our current Western culture, many many many long term couples stay married long after the love has gone. It's extraordinarily unusual to find couples (in my experience) who consider themselves to still be in love after 30 years.

Thankfully, the world around here has changed and there are many options for those of us who find our marriages loveless or sexless. But stability is not our highest cultural goal anymore. If you're looking for a marriage to last throughout the decades, base it on economic and social/family/community needs, not on love.
 
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