Should I Commit?

[GhostBus]

I've been with my partner for a year and a half. We started out casually dating, tried to keep our distance but fell madly in love, emphasis on "madly." We approached the topic of an open relationship at the same time and outlined what we needed to feel safe. One of mine is that outside relationships are casual. No getting deeply involved in other peoples' lives, meeting their children and friends, going on trips with them, etc.

At first it all seemed fine until a few months in when my partner told me the day before that he was going on a weekend trip with someone he'd been dating. I knew about her but it turned out I didn't know the depth of their relationship because he'd hidden it from me. As time went on, I started to see a pattern with my partner where he knows he'll do something that will upset me and he'll minimize it by omitting details. We're working on this and it's gotten much better. I'm trying to chalk this up to the awkward unintended harm people cause each other when opening a relationship up.

What I want out of an open relationship is a bit of freedom to explore though I mostly want to be with him. I don't want to feel trapped like I have with monogamous relationships in the past. I'm trying to just listen to him and trust him, though because of past actions I struggle to listen when he says: "trust me."

We've both done a lot of work to meet each other where we're at since our dating habits are so different. I'm more of an occasional "If I meet someone" type and he wants to go hunting for it often. Lately it's been flawless and awesome. We decided we want to move in together and get married within the next year. So I'm now completely freaking out.

I had an incredibly difficult childhood (straight out of a Vince Gilligan script) and my worst tendency is to assume other people will tell me they love me in order to abuse me. I know that's not the case here but I'm struggling with the fear that he will always choose his desires over my needs. We also have a bad pattern where I try to tell him how I feel and he reacts defensively, his pride gets in the way and he can snap and become aggressive with me.

So I feel stuck. One thing I know that I need to do is just meet the woman who has been in his life all of this time. I probably should have done it awhile ago but, you know, I'm scared. Scared I won't like her and things will get worse, scared that it'll be a shitty experience, etc. Other than that, I don't know how to handle my fear that he'll slide back into doing whatever he wants no matter how it makes me feel. The answer is just "trust me" and in my worst moments all I can think is: "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior."

Should I move forward? What should I be looking out for? Am I freaking out over nothing?

 

[Inyourendo]

I think it's fine to continue as things are but you don't sound like you want relationships where he does, how will that work long term? I don't know if I would move in with someone, get married, etc to someone who had a different poly style than me. He's already pushing the boundaries, what if someday he decided he wanted to marry this other woman too? have her move in with you guys?

 

[Inyourendo]

and my boyfriend also sneaks and lies to avoid conflict, it's a huge character flaw.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi GhostBus,

It doesn't sound like your partner is very good at "casual." I think you'll need to revisit your rules/agreements, or abandon the relationship.

And I'm not sure I'd advise you to trust him. He broke the rules and only told you so after the fact.

Don't know if this helps, but it is what I could think of so far.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[WhatHappened]

If I'm reading this right, you want the freedom to do what you like with other people, but also the security of this relationship with him. But you want him to be casual with other women, not fall in love, right?

It's often been pointed out on these boards that emotions are very hard to control. When people get involved with 'casual' dates and 'casual' sex, feelings very often, and I would say very naturally, come into play, for him, for the women, or both.

I think it's playing with fire to expect people to date and have partners, but somehow promise they'll never fall in love.

 

[IndieSolo]

We approached the topic of an open relationship at the same time and outlined what we needed to feel safe. One of mine is that outside relationships are casual. No getting deeply involved in other peoples' lives, meeting their children and friends, going on trips with them, etc.

These rules are the source of all your problems.

How does policing and limiting his interactions with others "make you" feel safe? Safe from what, exactly? What are you afraid of?

Fixing your insecurities is an inside job, and no amount of reigning another person in will mean you will feel safe. That will only give you a false sense of security on top of a rumbling fear that something will go wrong.

If you love someone, and think they are pretty great, don't you think that person deserves as much love that comes their way? Don't you think other people should be able to experience the beauty of who that person is? Do you not respect and honor your partner as an autonomous individual who is trustworthy?

If the answer to any of the above is "no," you may want to reconsider whether you are ready to embark on having multiple relationships, or if a more tightly controlled swinging (where you're monitoring their every move) is more for you.

. . . One thing I know that I need to do is just meet the woman who has been in his life all of this time. I probably should have done it awhile ago but, you know, I'm scared. Scared I won't like her and things will get worse, scared that it'll be a shitty experience, etc.

What makes you think you need to like her? You're not dating her.

I am just wondering why these things scare you so much. You are wrapped up in a lot of fear. I think you need to drill down and see what kinds of beliefs and inner talk is fueling all these fears you have. Otherwise, you'll just be putting Band-Aids on them instead of resolving your issues.

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm sorry your bf made an agreement to only date casually, but then didn't let you know sooner, when he had to break that agreement.

I hear that you had an abusive childhood, and so you are triggered by his dishonesty. I hope he is being straight with you now. Protect your heart. Be careful. Trust, but verify.

You can learn to be comfortable with him having another serious gf without meeting her. But if he and she are both willing to have you meet, you could step out of your comfort zone and meet her. Often, meeting one's metamour makes them seem less threatening. "Oh, she's just a flawed human, like me," can be the realization. You don't have to become best friends, or like her, but you can be cordial when your paths meet. OTOH, my gf often becomes friends with my other long term partners, since I bring home likable guys.

How long have you been with your bf? Have you not moved in together yet? Once you live together, will you want to host his OSO(s)? Will he be comfortable with you bringing lovers home?

Maybe put marriage plans on hold until you have the living together, and the "loving others" bit more sorted out.

 

[Tinwen]

We've both done a lot of work to meet each other where we're at since our dating habits are so different. I'm more of an occasional "If I meet someone" type and he wants to go hunting for it often. Lately it's been flawless and awesome. We decided we want to move in together and get married within the next year. So I'm now completely freaking out.

I had an incredibly difficult childhood (straight out of a Vince Gilligan script) and my worst tendency is to assume other people will tell me they love me in order to abuse me. I know that's not the case here but I'm struggling with the fear that he will always choose his desires over my needs. We also have a bad pattern where I try to tell him how I feel and he reacts defensively, his pride gets in the way and he can snap and become aggressive with me.

I there any reason to haste? Why don't you agree to move in together once your fears have settled down? And perhaps revisit the marriage idea after some time you've been actually living together, and found out how living together and having other partners at the same time even works for you? Give yourself, and both of you, time enough to work on issues?

You seem aware of problems. You are just not sure which of them are your's only and which are actual problems between you and bf. You are afraid of repeated dishonesty, of selfishness, of defensive-aggressive(!) reactions. You could have a closer look at each of these over the extended timeframe, both in your bf's behaviour and in your inner world.

 

[BlueShoes]

As time went on, I started to see a pattern with my partner where he knows he'll do something that will upset me and he'll minimize it by omitting details. We're working on this and it's gotten much better. I'm trying to chalk this up to the awkward unintended harm people cause each other when opening a relationship up.

You can only give someone credit for unintentional harm so many times. You've seen a pattern. Do you want to live with that pattern? I wouldn't, personally.

What I want out of an open relationship is a bit of freedom to explore though I mostly want to be with him. I don't want to feel trapped like I have with monogamous relationships in the past. I'm trying to just listen to him and trust him, though because of past actions I struggle to listen when he says: "trust me."

Well, when someone betrays your trust repeatedly, the problem you're having isn't struggling to *listen* when they say "trust me." It's struggling to overcome your personal experience of their specific untrustworthiness.

I had an incredibly difficult childhood (straight out of a Vince Gilligan script) and my worst tendency is to assume other people will tell me they love me in order to abuse me. I know that's not the case here but I'm struggling with the fear that he will always choose his desires over my needs. We also have a bad pattern where I try to tell him how I feel and he reacts defensively, his pride gets in the way and he can snap and become aggressive with me.

I am not convinced that you know that's not the case here. He may say he loves you, but he's lied, omitted, had exactly the kind of relationship he agreed not to have, and has a pattern of other lies and omissions.

(I don't think "no serious relationships" is a good boundary, because feelings don't always stay under control that way. But I think that's beside the point because "no lying" is a much bigger and more serious deal. And "I don't want to be in a relationship if..." is a completely reasonable boundary.)

And when you attempt to say how you feel, he snaps and becomes aggressive. Hey - I divorced a guy over that kind of thing, and if I were giving out advice, it would be to skip the marriage. Save yourself the legal fees, get the heartache over with, don't even move in.

So I feel stuck. One thing I know that I need to do is just meet the woman who has been in his life all of this time. I probably should have done it awhile ago but, you know, I'm scared. Scared I won't like her and things will get worse, scared that it'll be a shitty experience, etc. Other than that, I don't know how to handle my fear that he'll slide back into doing whatever he wants no matter how it makes me feel. The answer is just "trust me" and in my worst moments all I can think is: "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior."

If you meet your partner's partner, and it's a terrible experience and you hate each other, that's information you need to have.

The best predictor of future behavior is indeed past behavior. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

What I want out of an open relationship is a bit of freedom to explore though I mostly want to be with him. I don't want to feel trapped like I have with monogamous relationships in the past.

This is what you want. (Do you also want to be in healthy relationship you can feel safe in? Because I wonder if you are putting up with shenanigans because you want to be with him and are now finding it increasingly hard to do.)

What does HE want?

We approached the topic of an open relationship at the same time and outlined what we needed to feel safe. One of mine is that outside relationships are casual. No getting deeply involved in other peoples' lives, meeting their children and friends, going on trips with them, etc.

I started to see a pattern with my partner where he knows he'll do something that will upset me and he'll minimize it by omitting details.

Is this a case of telling you whatever to get access to you? Making a bad faith agreement he never intended to keep in the first place?

What is the purpose of this agreement for you? Is he keeping it or asking to modify it or just ignoring it? What is his behavior?

We also have a bad pattern where I try to tell him how I feel and he reacts defensively, his pride gets in the way and he can snap and become aggressive with me.

So... he has poor listening skills, takes things personally and acts out so you shut up?

You could do some soul searching and be super honest with yourself -- is that how you imagined problem solving with a partner in marriage? Seeking support from a partner in marriage?

I'm trying to just listen to him and trust him, though because of past actions I struggle to listen when he says: "trust me."

Understandable. It's hard to trust someone who snaps and flips it around when you are trying to share your vulnerable. You do not feel emotionally safe around him.

I think you guys could postpone marriage.

And you could work on this:

my worst tendency is to assume other people will tell me they love me in order to abuse me. I know that's not the case here but I'm struggling with the fear that he will always choose his desires over my needs.

Well... what's his behavior? Does he put himself first all the time? Or not? Is this a two way street or is this always about him?

I probably should have done it awhile ago but, you know, I'm scared. Scared I won't like her and things will get worse, scared that it'll be a shitty experience, etc

Rather than fuel your "coping-ness" you seem to be letting anxiety fuel your fears.

Could add this sentence to it: "I am worried about things but whatever happens, I can handle it."

One thing I know that I need to do is just meet the woman who has been in his life all of this time.

If that is a behavior you need, get on with doing it. Meet her.

And assess if you really want to be with this guy.

Remember no matter what happens, You CAN handle it. Marriage is serious business. One must engage in some serious thinking before making that commitment. Get on with the business of Engagement and really assess deep compatibility with this partner. Stop being afraid, and do the job in front of you. Do NOT rush the wedding.

The answer is just "trust me" and in my worst moments all I can think is: "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior."

You could ask for behaviors so it isn't blind trust. There is some expectation of accountability. Then see if he keeps his Word. Trust is built over time.

• Like have a very SHORT 20 min meeting for coffee with not attempts to stretch it out.
• Like you go separately so you have some control over your exit.
• He keeps the conversation light and does not talk about X, Y, Z.
• Like you squeeze his wrist twice if you get overwhelmed and need to bail early, and he doesn't make a big deal about it.

He either meets the bar or not. Watch his behaviors.

If the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior?

• And this guy does not meet your standards and keeps letting you down? Don't keep on with him. That is your behavior there -- your staying-ness. You do not have to stay if he doesn't make the cut.

• And what's that say about your behaviors? You don't sound like you are happy about that habit of focusing on doom with your thinking. You never want to risk changing it? You could work with a counselor so your anxiety doesn't become so paralyzing. Do something different.)

Face the fears, tell yourself you CAN handle this, and get to the bottom of this. Confidence is grown by DOING.

And def don't marry if there's these bad behaviors -- you want a solid partner for marriage. Not a flaky one. get on with the business of Engagement. Successful engagement end in one of two ways to me.

1) You find you are NOT deeply compatible and end the engagement with no wedding. And spare yourself a bad marriage and the costs of wedding and costs of divorce.

2) You find you ARE deeply compatible and you end the engagement with a wedding. (Take a pre-marital class -- see if he's up to snuff or not. They are at houses of worship, county extension offices, and online.)

Galagirl