Should I enter a polyamorous relationship?

U

utopia

New member
Hello,

First of all, I'm sorry for this long message. But please, if you could read all of it and give me some feedback, I would greatly appreciate it. I feel really anxious and confused about my situation.

My relationship is somewhat of a mess. I'll try to explain it the best I can.

I've been married to a man for approximately 15 years. After a few years we started having intimacy problems, with him losing interest. Do note, it's not and never has been a potency / erectile problem, he does not have a problem with any of that, he just is not interested in sex! We kept trying to improve it, but instead it just kept getting worse. Not only was this frustrating for me, but it also made my low self esteem ever worse, as I cannot erase the thoughts of it being because my husband is not attracted to me (even though he claims he is).
We have sought professional marriage therapy about it, and he kept saying he have no idea why he is not interested in sex anymore, but promises he would try to improve, but nothing got better.
Sometime along the way, I got to know a man over the internet who became a friend. There was indeed an attraction between the two of us, but for starters we were only friends. This was not behind my husband's back, by the way, and he knew I was attracted to that friend.
After a couple years, this friend (who does not live nearby) came to visit us. I managed to convince my husband that we would have a threesome, which we did. None of them are attracted to eachother, and the threeway was sort of a fiasco, and we never tried it again since.
I must point out, that if our marriage was good at the time, I would never have acted on any advanced from a third person, or been interested in a threeway.

Anyway, the years went by, and I fell in love with the other man. We have kept daily contact and he has kept visiting us and we have visited him multiple times, we have gone on vacation abroad together, etc. We also have sex when we meet - just him and me, not my husband, but with his knowledge. I know my husband is not particularly fond of the sex part, but he accepts it since he is not willing to provide me with intimacy. By now, this third person is so close to me, it would be very hard to ever exclude him from my life, but the problem is, I feel the same way about my husband. We barely ever have sex (when we do, it's always me who instigates it and it feels very forced), but we both love eachother - not just as friends but as lovers. Despite the lack of intimacy and not feeling desirable in the eyes of my husband, none of my love for him has faded. I don't think neither one of us could live without one another.

At this point, I feel I would not be able to live without either one of them, and being away from the third person whom I think of as my boyfriend, is getting harder and harder. I want both of these men in my life. I want us to start a life together.

While the friend/boyfriend is not attracted or have any feelings for my husband, he is open to the idea of the three of us moving in together, I know my husband is not thrilled about the idea, but I mentioned to him that if he would agree, I would want us to move in together. I also said I don't want him to feel forced to agree on it. He said he would consider it. I think even though he don't like the idea, he wants to do it for my sake, because the last few years I have sunk into a horrible depression and been on medication, and right now, for other external reasons, I am an emotional wreck. I believe he thinks perhaps this is a way out of the depression for me, if I could become happier somehow.
There is more to this story than what I have written, but in order not to go too deep into it and make this message longer than it already is, I'll stop here and just ask, from your first impression, what do you think I should do?
I have really done everything for my husband and been there for him. I've been willing to do whatever is neccessary to improve the intimacy (although he could never point out anything I was doing wrong), and I have given him a trillion of chances to figure out what his problem is. I have asked him if he wants us to split up (I never could, but I just wanted to know his opinion), and he says no he could never live without me.
The third man makes me feel desirable and alive, but I love them both and I want both of them.
Should I pursue it, or could it never work? Thanks for reading. Any suggestions appreciated.
 
Is there a reason that you have to live together since your husband sounds like he'd only be doing it reluctantly? Can he move close and you can just go between the 2 homes? Being in a poly doesn't mean that you all have to live in the same house, you can do whatever works best for all involved.
 
I have two husbands. I travel between the homes I share with both.

Neither of my husbands would want to share a roof. Yet like having their own castles so to speak.
 
I agree with the others. "Convincing" your husband that having them both live with you would cure your depression isn't very fair. Your husband deserves to have his own space if he wants it. You say that he isn't exactly enthusiastic about you having sex with another man, although he understands it. Living with that man may be too much to expect of him.
 
Yet another voice for having separate domiciles for both of the guys. You could find homes close to each other so that you can travel between them.

To me, your relationships do not sound like a mess at all. Why not just accept that the sex part with your husband is not working and stop stressing about it? If you love each other and want to live together - perfect. Keep loving and keep living. Reduce stress and don't force sex to happen between you two.

Sex and intimacy are two different things. I bet you have intimacy with your husband - shared deep discussions, words of appreciation and love... that is intimacy. Sex is just a part of it, and not always a necessary one.

Edited to add: A terminology thing: you are already in a polyamorous relationship! The real question you are asking is whether you all should be living under one roof. That is not a requirement in a poly relationship. Both of your relationships are equally valid even if you all don't share a home.
 
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I also think it would be best if the bf lived nearby, but not with you - unless your husband is clearly happy with that arrangement. If he is, it can work - I have friends who have almost exactly your history and solution. The bf moved in, and they lived congenially together for about 10 years, at which point the bf moved on for various reasons. Anyway, it will work best if your husband is happy with whatever living arrangement you all agree to - if he isn't, then you may lose him eventually.
 
I agree with the above posters.

I want to add, that your husband seems "asexual." It isn't necessarily a "problem." For him, I mean. It's obviously a problem in your relationship.

Plenty of people that get involved in polyamory do it because their partner does not meet all their needs. In fact, it seems weird we could ever expect one person to meet ALL our needs, all the time. That is why we have friends! Why we have children. Why we seek to maintain relationships with siblings, parents, grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles. Why we join social groups and churches, etc., etc.

So in your case, your husband doesn't provide you with sex. Some of us NEED sex, and a good amount of it, to feel fully alive. It is a biological drive, it feels great, it reduces stress. I see nothing wrong with seeking it elsewhere as long as your husband consents. Your husband has mostly gotten over his jealousy around you getting sex from bf, and that's great. It's so hypocritical in mono marriages for one partner to be unable to give sex to their partner, but then go nuts when that partner openly and honestly seeks it elsewhere.

I think you've found a good solution. Just don't push the cohabitation if it's hard for your hubby to compromise on that.
 
Hi utopia,

I, too, recommend that your boyfriend move to live nearby, but not in the same house as your husband. Then you could live in both houses, going back and forth between them. It's extra effort but I think it'd be worth it. It would certainly make things easier for your husband.

Later on, maybe the three of you will decide to share a home after all. Maybe your boyfriend will visit you and your husband and the visits will get longer. But don't try to force it, let both guys have their own space, and you just travel between the two places.

I don't think there's anything major that you're doing wrong. And like Magdlyn says, maybe your husband would be happiest if you left sexual matters as they now stand. Something to think about.

I hope you can get things worked out with both of them.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I am sorry you struggle. Let me repeat back what I understand in my own words. You correct me if I am wrong. I have problems with no names so I will name them generic things. You change them if you like, ok?

The third man makes me feel desirable and alive, but I love them both and I want both of them.
Should I pursue it, or could it never work? Thanks for reading. Any suggestions appreciated.
Click to expand...

It already sounds like you are in a consenting V. You have a husband and a boyfriend. You are the "shared sweetie."

So what is "it" that you want to pursue? Cohabitation?

  • You want want both of these men in your life.
  • You want to start a new life cohabitating together as a trio.
    • Bob the BF is wiling to live together as a trio.
    • You are willing to live together as a trio.
    • Harry the Husband is not thrilled with the idea.

So... no cohabitating. All 3 people are not on board. Why force it? :confused: Could brainstorm other living configuration instead.

What do you think cohabitation as a trio would solve for you? :confused: It would make living with Harry less depressing? Wouldn't moving out solve that too?

If Harry is asexual and you feel undesired and you end up calling yourself things like "undesirable" and whatever other names? And that behavior leads to feeling depressed? Well... could stop calling yourself names and doing all this down talk. You might be taking it too personally. Why do this to yourself?

Could stop living with Harry if living with him is trigger-y or depressing. That doesn't mean you do not love him. It just means that maybe living with him 24/7 is not so great.

Could try living with the Bob who DOES make you feel sexually desired so you stop being depressed. And do a 4 nights with Bob and 3 nights with Harry. Or week nights with Bob and weekends overnight visits with Harry. However you do the schedule... but have your main domicile with Bob. See if that feels better to you over the next year.

You don't have to "lose" the relationships with these men if all of you still want to be there participating, but you might have to allow the relationship shapes to change and where your "home base" is to change so you can all arrive at something that fits all these people better. Clinging to a model where living with Harry 24/7 is causing you depression. So... try being married to Harry NOT living together 24/7.

Again... What does trio cohabitation solve for you? Could it be better solved with nearby or even next door apartments and you shuttle from one to the other? I encourage you to think this out.

Galagirl
 
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PURINA Tegryn

Thank you so much everyone for your replies!

In our case, I really don't think it could work living in shared households and me going back and forth between the two of them. In fact, I think it would make my husband more jealous if I just took off on my own to be with the other man.
If I ultimately had to choose between the two of them, I'm afraid I'd have to say I would end up choosing my husband, even with the lack of intimacy and sex. Yes, intimacy as well, to a certain degree. Yet there are things my husband gives me that the other man doesn't. This is very hard to describe. They somehow make me complete. At the beginning, the boyfriend was just a friend and a solution for the lack of sex in my marriage, but over the years I developed feelings for him as well.
I kept questioning myself if it was really possible to be in love with two people at the same time, I have learned first-hand that it definitely is.
 
utopia said:
If I ultimately had to choose between the two of them, I'm afraid I'd have to say I would end up choosing my husband, even with the lack of intimacy and sex. Yes, intimacy as well, to a certain degree.
Click to expand...

I think you should talk about this further with both of them, given this realization. It would not be fair to the bf to move for the relationship (especially if he has to make sacrifices by moving) if doing so may create a situation where you must make this choice.
 
I am confused. I don't understand.

Could you be willing to list the problems in order? I'm not sure what they are any more.

Right now you seem to have a functional poly "V." There is Bob the LDR boyfriend that you visit sometimes and he visits you. Bob is ok being in a "V" where everyone us up front about it. And there is Harry the husband who is ok being in a "V" where the BF is LDR. It seems to be working. You love both men. You sound happy in it and love them both a lot.

What about this arrangement is not working that you want to change things? :confused:

  • Is it that you want acknowledgment/reaffirmation from all participants? It started out as you having a sex partner on the side, who became a BF? And you want to ask all participants that they know this and still consent to be here?

  • Was it that you couldn't believe that you could fall in love with another guy? And now you understand that you can love more than one person?

  • Is it that you hate the LDR and want BF closer? So you first thought that living together could solve it? But now you think that BF living nearby would be better, and you and Harry just keep sharing the home you share?

  • Is it that you are afraid this will all end? Like you have a good thing going, cannot believe it, and are fearful it will all disappear?

I guess I'm not seeing where the problem is in the V. You sound kinda all over about it in your mind, like maybe you are doing "what if this? What if that?" stuff and cranking up your own anxiety.

But what is actually happening is both guys are being up front in their communication and seem to treat you well. FWIW, from the outside looking in... that actually sounds ok.

Is THAT the problem? You are an emotional wreck right now for other external reasons and it is coloring you perspective of your V? Even though it has nothing to do with the V? :confused:

If the main problem is depression/anxiety stuff....

horrible depression and been on medication, and right now, for other external reasons, I am an emotional wreck.
Click to expand...

I would attend to that first. Nobody can think things out well when dealing with health stuff like that. You could be kinder to yourself and attend to your self care.

The guys don't sound upset or anything in your posts... Have you been running yourself ragged as the hinge trying to please everyone and then neglecting your own self care? :confused:

Galagirl
 
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