Should I Go For It?

Bay Leaf

New member
I’m not sure where to start, so please bear with me. (Edit: I apologize for the length, my bad 🤷‍♀️)

So basically, I’m in my first year of undergrad, and me (f) and my group of friends bonded really closely in the dorms over the first semester. (We now all live together in on-campus apartments though.) One of my friends (m) instantly sparked with another friend (f), but didn’t “officially” get together until the start of the second semester for personal reasons. For the record, she’s bi and he’s straight, and as far as I’m aware they’re both monogamous.

My issue is that I’ve been getting increasingly closer to him since fall break. We called or texted almost every day during winter break, and some of them were pretty deep. Over spring break we did the same thing, only sometimes it would be a Group FaceTime with her too, and we would intentionally all fall asleep on the phone. Him and I have also become incredibly physically comfortable with each other (cuddling on the couch, holding hands, leaning on shoulders, forehead and hairline kisses, running hands through hair, resting or falling asleep with his head in lap or on my chest, etc.). And since her and I live in the same apartment he pretty much lives here as well, and will deliberately seek out or squish his way into sitting between us in the couch instead of next to one. Most nights now end with the three of us hanging out for a bit in her room, and her and I cuddled up to opposite sides of him for several minutes before I leave so they can sleep (it’s been indicated that if the bed were bigger, I would stay some nights). He’s never looked at me in a way that’s remotely sexual, and her relationship with him is definitely different from mine (more playful, I think?).

I know I love him, and we’ve said “I love you” to each other often, but I don’t know if he means it romantically or platonically. I’m pretty sure it’s romantic from my end (but not sexual, since I’m ace), and I really like her too (right now just platonically). I am 100% open to a polyamorous relationship with the both of them, be it a V or a triad. Does it sound like the potential is there, or like it’s something I should talk to them about? Or should I stick to being just their friend, and work to get over him and move on?

This is completely new territory for me, my only other relationship was at the beginning of high school and was super short, I have no idea what I’m doing.
 
Most relationships don't last. More so when they begin in late teens/early adulthood. You live with some of these people. A relationship breakdown could make all of that and school an awkward place to be.

You're ace. You report a disinterest in sexual connection. You're currently enjoying an affectionate if platonic relationship. Maybe just enjoy what you have instead of pushing for more.
 
Hello Bay Leaf,
You should definitely go for it.

He seems to be interested in you, in more than a platonic way. He cuddles with you a lot, squishing between you and the other friend. But you are ace, this may not be a relationship that could work out mutually. You may have the workings of a V here, you just need to explore the interactions with him and her a little bit more to find out.

I guess my advice would be to ask yourself what you want, and what you are looking for, in a relationship. Perhaps you would be interested in something more with him -- but what would that look like? Does he know you're ace? He needs to think about what he would want in a relationship as well. You do seem to have the makings of a great relationship with him.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
and as far as I’m aware they’re both monogamous.

Have you ASKED?

Him and I have also become incredibly physically comfortable with each other (cuddling on the couch, holding hands, leaning on shoulders, forehead and hairline kisses, running hands through hair, resting or falling asleep with his head in lap or on my chest, etc.). And since her and I live in the same apartment he pretty much lives here as well, and will deliberately seek out or squish his way into sitting between us in the couch instead of next to one. Most nights now end with the three of us hanging out for a bit in her room, and her and I cuddled up to opposite sides of him for several minutes before I leave so they can sleep (it’s been indicated that if the bed were bigger, I would stay some nights). He’s never looked at me in a way that’s remotely sexual, and her relationship with him is definitely different from mine (more playful, I think?).

So keep it more firmly in the friend bucket. And stop doing all this cuddling stuff if this behavior leads to you having romantic feelings and you don't want to deal in that.

Some people like the "fuzzy boundaries" thing with their friends. Some people do not. What kind are you?


I know I love him, and we’ve said “I love you” to each other often, but I don’t know if he means it romantically or platonically.

So ask how he means it so you can have the clarity you seem to want. Why are you avoiding? Talk to him direct.

I’m pretty sure it’s romantic from my end (but not sexual, since I’m ace), and I really like her too (right now just platonically).

You are not obligated to date both. You are not obligated to date either.

I am 100% open to a polyamorous relationship with the both of them, be it a V or a triad. Does it sound like the potential is there, or like it’s something I should talk to them about? Or should I stick to being just their friend, and work to get over him and move on?

That is your call.

If you want to ask and find out if dating him only or dating both is a possibility here.

Or if you prefer to let the idea go and leave it at friends only.

Or if you like a cuddling friendship... but want to talk to each and clarify expectation that this is a cuddling friendship and that's it.

Make up your mind what you want. Then align your behaviors to the goal and stop doing this fuzzy boundaries/unarticulated expectations stuff you are currently doing if "floating along into grey areas" only confuses you.

I suggest you become more firm of purpose and more clear in expectations with these two.
 
What does a V or triad, that you seem to want with them, mean to you? Getting more intimate with cuddles (to the point it makes sense with your ace self-identification)? Making life plans and commitments together? Something else?
I suggest to think about that before you bring it up.
 
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