Should I have...?

IvanTrentBrown

New member
I was involved with a women who was in poly relationship with her husband. My relationship with her has since ended, so this might be moot. But I've always wondered what I should have done.

I've known the couple for years. When I started a sexual relationship with the Wife, my friendship with the Husband deteriorated.

The Wife proposed that we have a threesome. Her thinking was that it would patch up things between all of us.
The Husband agreed, but I think it was more because his Wife wanted it. He tends to follow her lead even when he doesn't want to.

I thought about it, but ultimately was not interested for a bunch of reasons:

- Personal preference. I'm straight. However, I wasn't expected to engage with the Husband.

- Didn't feel I'd be able to perform or enjoy it with Husband around. I never felt he had 'sexual energy'.

- I felt a threesome wouldn't help. I would've preferred hashing it out in conversation, but it never materialized.
The Wife disagreed. She thought that the sex would open up communication. She explained why, but I didn't really grasp it. I felt that me and the Husband would hate it.

I've always wondered how events would have unfolded if I went ahead with.

Thanks for listening.
Ivan
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
Given your reasoning, I think you made exactly the right decision. MFM sexual experiences can be a minefield (in my limited experience) and I can't see how it would possibly have helped matters. Communication helps open up communication, not sex.

Honestly, stop wasting time wondering and just move on. You tried a V relationship, you lost friends because of it, that sucks but shit happens. Go make better friends.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
If the problem has to do with communication issues? The husband going along with stuff he doesn't really want to be doing just to avoid breaking up with wife?

Group sex in a threesome doesn't solve any of that. Group sex is also not a requirement in poly.

To me it sounds like wife wanted to get her kicks with a threesome and/or try to use it to sweep the real issues under the rug.

If anything, unwanted threesome sex, feeling like a third wheel, not being really prepared to see a partner in a group sex situation, comparing bodies, sounds, movements, doing stuff you really don't want to be doing just to try to please someone else, etc? That just ADDS more issues to the pile. Does not take away or reduce existing issues.

I'd pass on that. It's too hinky sounding. I'd wonder what the heck the wife is thinking.

I think you honoring your OWN values and giving this a pass was the correct choice. You don't do hinky stuff just to please her. Esp if thinking about doing it makes you go "Umm.... no."

I don't think you need to wonder. I think you could just call it bullet dodged and be ok with this relationship being over. It was not a good first experience. You can learn from it, but don't repeat mistakes that happened.

Galagirl
 
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IvanTrentBrown

New member
@Evie
Thanks for the input :)

I suppose in the wife's mind, sharing a sexual experience would 'create' a conversation. Maybe me and the husband would discuss how we could work together to satisfy her like a co-operative exercise.

It was a strange discussion with the Wife.
 

IvanTrentBrown

New member
@GalaGirl

I have had groupsex with the wife (FMF) which we were both into. So she thought that groupsex (MFM) with the husband would be in the cards. Which it was not and I had to tell her.

You are correct in saying that it was her way of avoiding her issues with her Husband.

I suppose there was a split second where I was going to agree to the threesome out of morbid curiosity. But in the end I'm glad I didn't.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
She sounds naive about consent. Just because you were up for an FMF threesome with her once in a particular grouping/time, doesn't mean you are up for ALL threesomes she suggests ALL the time.

If you are curious to try an MFM threesome, it doesn't have to be with these "marriage on the rocks" people. Look after your own well being.

Might look at the consent cartoons too.


If in the end you are glad you didn't? Then you made the right choice for you. Don't have to wonder. You know already. You are glad to have given it a pass.

Galagirl
 

Marcus

Well-known member
She thought that the sex would open up communication. She explained why, but I didn't really grasp it. I felt that me and the Husband would hate it.

Who knows, sometimes awkward and difficult events can bring people together. That certainly doesn't sound like the likely outcome here though, because people get real twitchy about sex and it would likely have hurt feelings and the communication it "opened" might not have been the kind of communication Wife was aiming to get.

I think you made the right call. No one has a crystal ball and can say for sure, but I'd say the odds were stacked against a threeway suddenly bringing you and Husband into buddy status again.

MFM sexual experiences can be a minefield (in my limited experience) and I can't see how it would possibly have helped matters. Communication helps open up communication, not sex.

Sexual experiences tend to get people into their least reasonable state, and threesomes are no different. People just have so much baggage wrapped up in sex that it tends to be a mine field if everyone present doesn't have their head on straight. I've had a number of different mixes of group sex, some have been great and others have been cringe.

In my experience the gender of the people involved is not linked to causation of unfortunate experiences.

She sounds naive about consent. Just because you were up for an FMF threesome with her once in a particular grouping/time, doesn't mean you are up for ALL threesomes she suggests ALL the time.

It's certainly naive to think that a gang-bang is going to teach people how to be constructive communicators lol

I'm not sure what the connection is to consent though; can you clarify how you are connecting those dots? From what I see the wife made a suggestion that's a little goofy, but I didn't see any evidence that she was doing anything but making a request.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Sure. I'm willing to try to clarify.

Maybe I read the sentence wrong and I'm not parsing it right but this...

So she thought that groupsex (MFM) with the husband would be in the cards. Which it was not and I had to tell her.

sounded weird to me. Why would the BF say what the husband does?

Just because BF did threesomes with her in past? Or maybe the husband did in the past? This is a NEW thing. Each participant would need to be asked for updated consent separately. Not just ask one leg of it and assume for the other leg.

From this thread:

He tends to follow her lead even when he doesn't want to.

That doesn't sound like joyful consent to me from the husband.

The other thread didn't sound great either:

However, I should mention that she sort of runs the marriage. Sometimes it feels like he's a puppet and it's her words coming out of his mouth.

The couple has issues.

I could be wrong, but my impression is that wife was not being clear about obtaining new consent from both her partners. She needed to ask each one. Not be like #2 cartoon just running right over the husband. (If that's what was happening here. If so, husband could be firmer in saying "No." )

A: Thanks for letting me borrow your car.
B: You are welcome.

(next week)
B: What are you doing?
A: Borrowing you car! You said I could!

B: You can't take my car whenever you want.
A: That's bullshit! You said I could have it once so I should be able to have it all the time.

I think Ivan is best out of the whole thing. Whatever issues this married couple has to work out is between them.

Galagirl
 
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Marcus

Well-known member
B: You can't take my car whenever you want.
A: That's bullshit! You said I could have it once so I should be able to have it all the time.

If your examples were taking place I would that it could be categorized as a consent issue, but only because they argued after it had been clearly demonstrated that their limited consent was not intended to be taken as ongoing.

However, your examples were all fictional to illustrate a point, because that sort of thing has not been described by the OP. All the OP has said is that they think Husband is a bit of a doormat and kind of follows Wife around. Wife made an assumption of future behavior based on past behavior, which is pretty reasonable.

Even if it were true that their relationship was "wife leads, and husband follows", I would classify that as a doormat/boundary issue. If it were true, I would say the issue is that Husband isn't making their boundaries clear because they are more passive than Wife. That certainly is an issue that would likely build resentment, but it isn't because someone is blasting past someone else's clearly defined boundaries. Saying that someone "is naive about consent" is a reach and it villainizes someone based on projection and assumption.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Saying that someone "is naive about consent" is a reach and it villainizes someone based on projection and assumption.

Which is why I said "She sounds naive about consent." Because I don't know what is actually going on over there. Ivan hasn't yet had a chance to say, if Ivan even knows. I don't think anyone is a villain. Just saying how it sounds to me at this point in time. I acknowledge that could be totally wrong in my impression.

Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Ivan,

I tend to agree with you, a threesome would not have patched things up like the Wife thought it would. I could be wrong of course, but I think verbal communication (between the three of you) would have been far more productive. In any case, the dynamic that caused you to be ejected was not of your doing; rather, it was something that existed between the Husband and Wife before you arrived on the scene. The Husband just going along with whatever the Wife dictated doesn't seem like a very healthy way of doing things. I think that's what they should have been working on.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 

IvanTrentBrown

New member
@kdt26417
In any case, the dynamic that caused you to be ejected was not of your doing; rather, it was something that existed between the Husband and Wife before you arrived on the scene.
Before I started a relationship with the wife, I hung out with the husband. I never suspected they were poly. The wife only saw other women until I came along. Their marriage seemed fine.

I highly suspect that the combination of me being male and a friend is what started the decline in our friendship. Also, the type of sex the wife and I were having probably didn't help with his self-esteem.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Possibly he was more comfortable with things (and had better self-esteem) when his wife dated women only.
 

IvanTrentBrown

New member
It certainly seemed that way. He felt less intimidated by women.

Also, I suspected that he never pursued other women. Probably because he's kind of reserved and shy.

I asked the wife if he saw other women. She said she didn't know for sure, but also suspected he never did. She told me she talked to him about seeing escorts, but apparently he didn't like the idea of paying. Something to do with feeling down on himself that the only way he could meet someone is to pay for it.

She also never invited him to join in a threesome with her other partners. She said it was because she felt he wouldn't be able to perform and didn't want him or her to be embarrassed. She only started doing threesomes with me.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
It seems to me that his self-esteem was very feeble to begin with. Just the idea of dating other women was something he didn't have enough confidence to do.
 

916woman

New member
I was involved with a women who was in poly relationship with her husband. My relationship with her has since ended, so this might be moot. But I've always wondered what I should have done.

I've known the couple for years. When I started a sexual relationship with the Wife, my friendship with the Husband deteriorated.

The Wife proposed that we have a threesome. Her thinking was that it would patch up things between all of us.
The Husband agreed, but I think it was more because his Wife wanted it. He tends to follow her lead even when he doesn't want to.

I thought about it, but ultimately was not interested for a bunch of reasons:

- Personal preference. I'm straight. However, I wasn't expected to engage with the Husband.

- Didn't feel I'd be able to perform or enjoy it with Husband around. I never felt he had 'sexual energy'.

- I felt a threesome wouldn't help. I would've preferred hashing it out in conversation, but it never materialized.
The Wife disagreed. She thought that the sex would open up communication. She explained why, but I didn't really grasp it. I felt that me and the Husband would hate it.

I've always wondered how events would have unfolded if I went ahead with.

Thanks for listening.
Ivan
Ivan,

You know yourself. If you don't think it wouldn't have worked, it wouldn't have. Sex rarely fixes anything. In fact, it usually complicates situations. If you had gone into the situation with apprehension, it would have likely ended in a bag place. Either way, reflection is good but regret isn't. Hope this helps. Good luck in the future.
 
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