Should I introduce them?...

[Cholita]

Hi everyone.... I am quite new to poly.
I have been in a monogamous marriage for 6 years but about one year ago my husband and I opened our relationship and now I have another boyfriend.
My husband and I are pretty open with each other about our relationships with other people and we really trust each other and communicate really well.

However, the new guy i started seeing a couple of months ago has a strong mono preference. But as we started to really fall for each other and I cannot offer him a mono relationship, he has had to try to adapt to having a married girlfriend who can only see him for 2 days/nights a week. He aways says its hard for him, but it seems like he is slowly accepting our relationship for what it is.

Something that concerns me though is that my 2 guys have never met and my BF has trouble getting his head around the idea that my husband gives his full consent to this and that there is no jealousy from him...

Even though my husband is totally chilled with all of this. My BF keeps asking me to delete our conversations and pictures from my phone, and not to add him on social media sites like facebook....and just generally wants his privacy protected as he is concerned that this situation could be dangerous for him if my husband flipped.

Also because my BF isn't poly inclined he has had some issues with jealousy and insecurity (much more so than my husband).

Sometimes i think that if they just met each other in a very casual social situation it might help to de-mystify the other, and then they would stop imagining things about each other that might negatively affect how they feel. My husband is a really down to earth, non-judgmental and sociable person... He is really good at breaking the ice with a polite joke or 2 in awkward situations like that. So i cant imagine that much would go wrong.

What do you guys think, should i get them to meet or just leave things separate for now?

 

[Inyourendo]

If they want to meet sure but unless your boyfriend wants to then that is unlikely to happen. I can understand how awkward meeting a metamore must be. I don't like meeting people either

 

[GalaGirl]

I can see where you might think it could make it easier on you if they meet because you are having a hard time watching BF struggle.

But your BF's willingness to meet your husband belongs to HIM. You cannot control that. You could offer once, and then let it be.

If your BF continues to behave in ways that are off-putting and take away from your enjoyment of him because he's being all paranoid and weird? Cannot relax? He really prefers mono?

You could decide to stop dating him. Free him from his struggle -- make it so it becomes "does not apply any more."

Esp if he's suffering and not freeing himself as he could do. (There are some people who cling to something that does not fit them because they are afraid to be alone. Is he that type?)

He aways says its hard for him, but it seems like he is slowly accepting our relationship for what it is.

He can only go but so fast. It is only a few months in.

At the same time? You know your situation best -- what YOU are willing to deal in. You can either be patient, or decide its too slow/troublesome for you and bow out.

I am not saying that in a mean way either -- just that it is what it is. The only one who knows your patience / tolerance with other people's stuff is you.

Galagirl

 

[KC43]

When I realized my relationship with S2 was actually a relationship, and not just us getting together once in a while (there is a difference, to me), I wanted him and Hubby to meet. Partly because it made *me* more comfortable, and partly because I wanted S2 to hear Hubby say the relationship was okay, rather than having me be the go-between.

From both guys' perspectives, when I broached the subject, meeting made sense. They wanted to have a face to put to the other's name, for one thing. For another, S2 had expressed willingness to be a back-up if we needed transportation for Alt or Country, or needed help with anything else, so he thought it would be best if Hubby knew who he was. The three of us went to dinner, the guys teased me mercilessly, and overall it went quite well. That was back in October, and they haven't spoken or seen each other since, but at least we're all on the same page now.

As for social media... S2 won't let me add him on Facebook either. He's afraid that somehow or other, one of his friends or one of mine would somehow magically figure out that we're together. It's not a logical fear, but I understand fear isn't always logical, so I don't push the point. Then again, I don't spend a whole lot of time on Facebook anyway, so it doesn't really matter to me. But even if your boyfriend and husband did meet, your boyfriend still might not be comfortable being added on your Facebook, for similar reasons as S2.

 

[Norwegianpoly]

Definetely introduce! Then they can see for themselves. Their fears may go away, or they can find out more on what to work with.

I can't imagine metamours not meeting. My husband were on Skype with my boyfriend less than too weeks after we started dating. Boyfriend is also new to poly. We have all lived together on three occations,the first two times for a week and this winter for a month. They have their own contact, a little to and fro, mainly they talk about me but they also give each other updates on school, work and the likes.

I am friends with both on FB, and I have listed that I am married, not specified to who. My boyfriend's folks somehow interprete that as to mean I am engaged to SO, I think. Which I sort of am anyway.

Really, it makes things SO SO much easier when the metamorus know and like each other! Of course it is different when you have waited so long to do it. It was easy for my bf to meet my husband because he was hungry for people who could tell him something about me, after dating a while the hunger is not there so you can't go with that flow. But still wouldn't it be nice to arrange for them to meet? It didn't have to be a seperate meeting, it could be at a party or at a restaurant if having more people around makes it less akward.

If they don't meet, you will definetly miss out of potentionally having the V energy that I personally like very much. It is not sexual per se, but sort of---doubly romantic to have more than one person there who like and love you.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Cholita,

Re (from OP):

"What do you guys think, should I get them to meet or just leave things separate for now?"

It sounds like a nice thought. I would encourage them to meet but I wouldn't push it. Let them decide.

 

[Marcus]

Sometimes i think that if they just met each other in a very casual social situation it might help to de-mystify the other, and then they would stop imagining things about each other that might negatively affect how they feel.

You're probably right. However, the decision of whether or not two grown human beings decide to get into the same room together and make small talk is up to those two grown human beings. I encourage you to stop thinking this is a decision you can make for them (without some serious backlash).

You can encourage, offer to facilitate, but in the end I hope you will realize that this simply isn't your call to make... problem solved.

My BF keeps asking me to delete our conversations and pictures from my phone, and not to add him on social media sites like facebook....and just generally wants his privacy protected as he is concerned that this situation could be dangerous for him if my husband flipped

I realize you didn't ask for advice on this so I apologize if this pinches a nerve, but something you said here is raising flags to me.

It's not unusual for people new to poly/open associations to experience a myriad of unpleasant feelings and can take a great deal of time to work through them. So I'm not passing negative judgement on your boyfriend for being touchy and jealous... but are you sure he knows that he's not just banging a married person? I ask because it's a *completely* different situation if your BF thinks this is some side thing and doesn't believe that you're in an open relationship.

I know you've made him aware of it, and I get that, but I would advise caution in getting attached to someone who wants to be a side-piece. Have you talked to your husband on the phone in front of your BF and mentioned "yes, I'm here with BF, I'll be home later" kind of thing? Does he think you're bullshitting him?

I don't know your situation fully, so I'm just checking in.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

I would advise caution in getting attached to someone who wants to be a side-piece.

That would be something, eh? In our "cheating culture" I can totally see someone finding a partner who's so used to being the "other man" that even when he's with someone who's actually in an open marriage, he still feel a need to continue the sneaking behaviour...

 

[Cholita]

Yeh I had to tell him over and over again, Yes my husband knows about you and he's cool with it. It took a few weeks for it to sink in that such things are possible. Yes I have answered the phone in front of him and let that happen as a kind of confirmation that it is true.

He still has never been to my house yet... The other day i was home alone all day doing some craft projects and BF was in the area so I said would you like to pop in for a cup of tea as my husband is not due home until much later. He wasn't comfortable with the idea even though i said I meant a cup of tea and not anything else.

 

[KC43]

Sometimes partners are more comfortable not crossing physical boundaries, e.g. entering their metamour's home. Even though it's *your* home as well.

When Hubby and I started this whole thing, we agreed that no other partners would come to the home we share. Not for sex, not for anything else. We felt it was important for the home we share to be *our* space.

S2 has been to my house, but only because one of the times my car broke down this winter, he drove me to pick up Country from school. In that situation, Hubby was okay with S2 coming to the house Since I was supposed to go to his place that night, and was spending the night (against typical protocol) because I wouldn't have any way home, S2 chose to come inside while he waited for me to get my stuff together. But he stayed by the door and seemed pretty relieved to get out of here.

S2 knows full well that Hubby's okay with things, because they have met. But he still prefers not to enter my home, because it's also Hubby's home. Likewise, Hubby doesn't even really want to know where S2 lives, let alone go there. He does know S2's address, because I made sure he had it in case of an emergency, but that's about it.